1. No More Periods: You can swim with the sharks and not worry about becoming fish bait. You can also go camping in the mountains in Montana without fear of grizzly bears shredding your tent in search of raw meat.
2. Weight Gain: This can be great, but only if the extra weight is distributed in the right places. If it goes to the breasts, you've got a built-in floating device to prevent drowning in a pool. If it gives you a badonkadonk butt, you can sign up as a backup singer for a Beyonce music video. But if the excess weight settles in your stomach, you're going to have to tell everyone it's an inoperable food tumor that you are forced to carry for the rest of your life.
3. Hot Flashes: Sporting a shiny, red face and sweat rings under your arms has its advantages. It fools people into thinking you just had an invigorating session at the gym or in the bedroom. Hot flashes also keep your heating bill down in the winter and help you sweat out those extra calories from the chocolate Nutty Buddy cone you scarfed down in your car at the gas station.
4. Memory Loss: It's sorta like early dementia. It erases all those nasty movie reels from the past that you'd rather forget. Like the night you puked spiked cranberry juice all over your white birthday party dress. Or the time your husband thought it was a good idea to clear the dance floor at your best friend's wedding reception by doing The Worm in his tuxedo.
5. Loss Of Libido: You no longer have to feign headaches. Just remind your spouse that your lady parts are as dry as tumbleweeds rolling across Death Valley and he'll leave you alone.
6. Mood Swings: You can be Freddy Krueger one minute or a Care Bear the next, and nobody will accuse you of being bipolar like they did in the car pick-up line at the elementary school when you were a hot mess mama in your thirties.
7. No Longer Fertile: You'll never have to worry about birth control again. The money you save can then be invested in Viagra stock.
8. Insomnia: You get to add an extra 4 hours to your day since you'll only be sleeping for 3. All those pesky items on your to-do list will be finished in no time. But you're going to need some spackle in your makeup box to hide those duffel bags under your eyes.
9. Dry Skin: This is your excuse to go shopping and spend a fortune at the Lancome counter at the mall. No one wants to look at a face that resembles an elephant's ass or a 10 year old Shar Pei.
10. Fatigue: Your body shifts into narcoleptic mode every day after lunch. To combat the fatigue, you have an excuse to invest in a gold card membership to Starbucks or convince your boss you have a medical condition that requires a midday nap on the floor under your desk. Be sure to carry a pillow with you at all times.Once you change your attitude, menopause isn't all that bad. You just have to learn how to roll with the hot flashes, bloating and roller coaster mood swings.....and it wouldn't hurt to have a healthy stock of wine on hand at all times, just in case.....
I would think that 5) would take care of 7)
ReplyDeleteHahaha you caught that, huh? It's different for each individual--some ladies are a bit more amorous after menopause because they no longer worry about birth control. This could be a good thing or a bad thing for the spouse, depending on his age....
DeleteI'm not getting any. And trust me, it's a bad thing.
DeleteI'm betting most husbands would feel exactly the same…… :)
DeleteI am all for the hot flashes when I get to this point, because seriously I am always cold. The only time I wasn't was when I was pregnant, so thinking that on the opposite spectrum is menopause and have this to most likely look forward to, lol!! :)
ReplyDeleteOh, you'll be warm all right! No need for coats anymore!
DeleteI love how you turned all those shitty symptoms into positives. Okay, you sold me.. I want to go through menopause! Really just for #7.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laugh.
xoxo
Haha! Tell your husband in about 10 years he needs to be prepared!
DeleteCurrently pregnant with my 5th (and last), I'm looking forward to #7!!! Thanks for the morning laughs, mama! I needed them :)
ReplyDeleteGod bless you for the 5th child. You are far braver than me. I always thought I wanted 5 but after the 4th one I changed my mind real quick--he was hell on wheels and wore me out! So yes, I can totally see why you look forward to no#7 on my list!!!
DeleteSwimming with the sharks with built-in flotation devices? Sign me up.
ReplyDeleteBut wait, I'm already infertile, I need a new #7!
Haha! I'm sure you'll think of something....maybe trade #7 to getting to enjoy new grandkids one day??
DeleteWhen my mom was going through menopause her biggest symptom was #3. We'd be sitting somewhere and she'd be fine then the next second she was literally pouring sweat down her face and trying to open her blouse. I honestly had never seen her sweat one drop before then!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great post.
Yeah, those hot flashes are AWFUL! And I quickly discovered they get worse when you drink wine. But that still hasn't stopped me!
DeleteHusband this morning: I miss my sweet wife.
ReplyDeleteMe: Get used to it bub. ~hisssss~
All in fun, right? RIGHT?!
Popping in from Oh, Mrs. Tucker!
Thats great--I love it! Watch out--he may just run out and get that new type of Viagra for women the news has been chattering about! Then we're ALL in trouble!
DeleteHaha the swimming with the sharks one just made me laugh. :)
ReplyDeleteI swear after seeing the movie Jaws, I was always afraid to go to the beach with my friends whenever I was on my period. Both sharks and Grizzlies have a nose for blood like you wouldn't believe!!!
DeleteThis was h.i.la.r.i.o.u.s. ! I am in the midst of hot flashes and can so relate. Argh.
ReplyDeleteMy best advice for that: Keep a small hand towel in your purse at all times if you don't want to end up with melted makeup and raccoon eyes!
DeleteWhat I would really like to see is a new undergarment that pulls the belly up to the boobs, flattening the belly and amping up the boobs. I would call it the "Boobelly"! You can be my partner and we could make millions :)
ReplyDeleteI think it's a FAB idea! That sucker would sell like crazy in an infomercial. I'd buy a caseload myself! Let's do it!!!
DeleteFunny post, I just had a blood test at the gynos office and learned that at age 51, my hormones are working like a youngster's and menopause is nowhere in sight. This is good news because a year ago I kept my ovalries after a hysterectomy. I'm glad they are still doing their job keeping me normal crazy instead of 100% Loony Tunes.
ReplyDeletehttp://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2013/05/survival-of-cutest.html
Wow! That's really unusual, isn't it? Hey, enjoy it now while you can. You may just be one of the lucky few who really has little to no symptoms of menopause. It happens... I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!
DeleteI don't know if I'm still perimenopause or menopause. But I've been "regular" my entire life and I just skipped a whole cycle! Then some cycles are closer together. But I can wake at 3 or 4 and be WIDE awake and ready to get up. Didn't know insomnia came with the package, lovely. Not hot flashes yet...as to memory loss, sadly I can't forget those nasty moments, but I can forget an appt in 2 seconds...
ReplyDeleteHaha sounds like the start of it. I gave up on the insomnia awhile back--I just use the extra hours to blog and get caught up on things. The memory loss sucks---I have to carry a note pad with me everywhere I go now.
DeleteI'm turning the big 5-0 this year and still regular as freakin' clockwork. I'm beggin' for menopause. BRING IT ON BABY!!!! I figure when it happens it gives me license to slap the shit outta anyone who pisses me off.
ReplyDeleteYes it does! Slap away! And btw, you look freakin' AWESOME for turning 50 this year, my friend! XO
DeleteThis was great! I love how you took a "horrible" thing and turned it into a positive!
ReplyDeleteXoxo
I had to or else I would probably lose my sanity--well, my mind is already half gone from menopause anyway...
DeleteI have the perfect solutions..... You know what helped me through it all ;)
ReplyDeleteI certainly do, my friend, and one of these days I just may have to try out one of those solutions!
DeleteHahahahahhahahah! This. is. AWESOME.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Liz!!! So glad I could get you giggling!
DeleteYeah, like when you go 8 months with out a period and think you are in the clear then out of the blue, mother nature plays a nasty trick on you and brings it on! Ah!!! When will it be over!!!
ReplyDeleteOh I know!!!! I thought mine was gone---it showed up 6 months later at my daughter's college graduation. It disappeared again for another 6 months, then showed up when I was at the local Renaissance Festival, in full costume, in 85 degree temperatures. Not fun dealing with THAT in a port-a-potty!!!
DeleteOkay, I just cried down my left leg whilst reading this...and when I said cried, I meant peed.
ReplyDeleteWell after reading that list, I now have something to look forward to, apart from death.
Hilarious as always! :)
Awww Lily, you always say the nicest things to me! Be careful or I just might get a girl crush on you Lol! XO
DeleteI have eight of the ten... I don't have dry skin but my hair is very dry... and I did not lose my libido... I just lost the desire to be with anyone but my David... who I can't be with:)
ReplyDeleteThe rest of this was utterly hilarious... the best side effects are my favorite thing about menopause... no more periods.. yay and no longer fertile... woot...
You hit the nail on the head on each one of these on the list... I laughed so very hard even though a lot of these side effects suck... you made them funny:D
We have to laugh, right, Launna? I am so sorry about your David. I know how much he means to you. It totally sucks to love someone THAT deeply and yet know that it's just not meant to be. Trust me, I know where you are coming from!
DeleteThese are funny. And it's great that you're embracing menopause instead complaining. Hope you have a great day.
ReplyDeleteHeidi’s Wanderings
It really isn't ALL bad---I try to have fun with it as much as possible. Thanks for stoping by, Heidi!
DeleteI'm 51 and this is the greatest time of my life. That's something I'd have found hard to believe 25 years ago. :) Totally agree with you--it's an issue of mind over matter! T. http://tickledpinkwoman.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteIt really is a type of "awakening", don't you think? Glad to hear you are enjoying your age--you are an inspiration to the others out there who may be struggling with this menopausal mayhem!
DeleteYou know I love #1... Ha!!!
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed. Another winner. Have a great weekend, Slu
I was almost too nervous to put #1 in the post--I thought people would read that and think I was sick in the head or something Lol! Glad you like my twisted sense of humor, Slu!
DeleteThe menopause sounds absolutely brilliant. See how a bad day can change things in the life of a woman. No more feeling bad whilst you splash the cash for larger clothes due to weight gain, and no more guilt after buying the most expensive moisturizers from the beauty counter. After all, you NOW need those things :) Women need not complain anymore and if I hear one word, I shall send them your way MM.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what's in store for the men!
Just loved all the great tips. Have a wonderful weekend.
That's right, RPD! Send 'em my way and I'll set those ladies straight. The men will be going through some of it as well by sharing sympathy pains...and they will probably hate every minute of it!
DeleteWell, my fat has ALWAYS gone to my stomach, and the pit stains? I've been getting them since I was like 20 years old. So dammit, Marcia, what you're telling me is that it's only going to get WORSE?? ARGH!! :)
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, yes so keep your fridge stocked with wine and ALWAYS have some chocolate on hand....
DeleteI'll trade having periods again for ALL of the symptoms I now suffer.
ReplyDeletePopped by from Paula's no rules hop
thriftshopcommando.blogspot.com
Oh no! That's not good! Sorry to hear your symptoms are so lousy......
DeleteYour about me was seriously hilarious. I am a new follower from the friend connect blog hop.
ReplyDeleteGlad I got you laughing and thanks for the follow!
DeleteGirlfriend, you are right about the periods. I love I don't have them anymore. My period was very heavy for years due to fibroids so I had a lot of accidents. I always had fear when I taught my fitness class that it would show through my clothes. Now, FREEDOM!
ReplyDeleteOh yes, the "accidents" were the worst for me, too. I was wearing white shorts once to a PTA event at my son's school....well, let's just say "Aunt Flo" came unexpectedly---it was not a pretty site!
DeleteHi my name is Ashley. I'm an avid blogger and Creative Graphics & Web Designer. I am stopping by your blog from Aloha Blog Hop. I would love it if you would stop by ours as well. We have an awesome giveaway running right now. A winner will be chosen June 15th. Come join in on the fun!
ReplyDeleteWebsite/Blog: www.ashleychapmandesigns.com/blog
Thanks so much!
Ashley
Thanks, Ashley! I'll be sure to stop by your site!
DeleteIs there any way...and I'm asking for a friend...that post-baby symptoms are similar to menopause? And by post-baby, I mean two years post-baby...
ReplyDelete:-)
Yes!!!! A LOT of it is the same...except, well.... you still get the blessing of a period, Lol!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, I'm laughing out loud at this post! I think I'm going to save it and refer to it when necessary, and remind myself I have nothing to fear! I also sent it to my mom :))
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome sauce! Thank you for sharing and I hope your mom likes it!
DeleteI'm looking forward to no more periods and insomnia because I could really really really use an extra three to four hours of productive time at night. This was awesome, as always, Meno Mama! Seriously awesome. And I may have to use your line that nobody wants a face that looks like an elephant's ass to my husband when I cave in and buy the $80 facial cream. Thank you in advance!
ReplyDeleteI say GO FOR IT and buy that expensive cream--it's never too early! Thanks for stopping by, Kristi!!
DeleteThis post was hilarious! I esp. like the part about Death Valley vagina and face like an elephant's ass. And not having to worry about birth control anymore, but rather your partner not being able to get it up. Well, actually that one made me cry a bit. Because by the time I'll be ready for a relationship I'll no doubt be going through menopause. That is, if I can find someone to deal with me during this tulmultuous time. I cannot imagine being any more of a bitch than I am now.
ReplyDeleteYou are the menopausal bomb!
You know I love you, right? Hey, you write about cougars---so, go find a younger dude, yo! Then you won't have to worry about the Viagra stuff! We are on the same page here! XOXO
DeleteThat was hysterical! I'll bet Erma Bombeck wouldn't have *dared* to write about menopause. For sure, they tackled it on All In The Family, but it was otherwise The Unspeakable Syndrome. Of course, it was men who preferred we never speak of it :)
ReplyDeleteIs that true about the grizzly bears? Do they stay away from menopausal women? Is it because meno chicks are a thousand times fiercer than grizzly bears? :)
HAHA I wish!! Read the old 70's classic--Night Of The Grizzlies---it is a true story on how a bear killed a bunch of campers--found through a menstruating woman! My parents of course had to tell me this story while I was a teenager hiking on the exact same trail the young girls were mauled on just years earlier.... I have never been so scared in my entire life as I was that night because I was on my damn period!!!! But yes, it is true--Grizzlies can smell the blood MILES away! Beware!!!
DeleteTHank GOd you talk about it. I think I could check off every one of those babies. The worst right now are the hot flashes. I was standing in the card department at Target and all of these other customers were around searching for cards too. I looked at my husband and said 'Are you KIDDING me with all these people??" Poor guy. Poor People. I need my space and a margarita. Is that too much to ask?
ReplyDeleteIt is never too much to ask. I cannot stand crowds since menopause for this very reason! I think you should carry frozen margaritas on you in a thermos for this very reason! Cheers!
DeleteHey there! Great post... Too funny. But just for your info, don't put too much stock in number 1. Sharks and bears will still snack on you given the right opportunity! Just trying to keep you safe... ;)
ReplyDeleteGuess that means no more midnight swimming in the ocean for me.....
Deleteseventeen years now. Seventeen years. Sigh. My Husby thinks that global warming has a direct correlation to all of the flashing menopausal women in the world. I think he's on to something . . .
ReplyDeleteI think you're right! :-)
DeleteHaha! This is a FABULOUS post! I think when the hot-flushes starts attacking me, I'll be in my workout clothes all the time even if I am not working out.. ;) Your no.2 is hilarious!
ReplyDeleteVisiting from the Link Up, do swing by mine!
GREETINGS FROM DUBAI
MRS JACK OF ALL TRADES (a fashion and life-style blog)
http://mrsjackofalltradesdaily.blogspot.ae/
Yeah, I'm pushing the food tumor myth! Thanks for the visit, Mrs. C. I'll be sure to stop by your site!
DeleteWell, this stage is just around the corner for me and I didn't even know some of the benefits, like insomnia. Crap, I could start a second blog, or even get the first one going someplace. Ha! Great post!
ReplyDeleteYou are so funny, Kate! YES, insomnia really does have its benefits. I get some of my best blogging done during that time! But there is a price for all this extra time---- beware of the baggy eyes in the morning....
DeleteThese were fantastically funny! Although I'm not quite there yet, I'm getting close. I think I'm going to stock up on the wine now so I'm fully prepared! :)
ReplyDeleteIt wouldn't hurt to stock up on some tequila too while you're at it....
DeleteYep. I'm on the roller coaster - night sweats, memory loss, fatigue and all. Wait. What were we just talking about? Goddamit! I'm tired...
ReplyDeleteJust join me in a glass of wine and we'll forget all of this stuff together!
DeleteEwww to #1 lol - never thought of that. But I'm not going swimming with sharks or camping either way. Sad that half of this list has already come true for me. I could seriously go back to bed right now. I tossed and turned and sweat to death last night, yet I couldn't swim with the sharks today or I'd be lunch. SUCKS to be in limbo.
ReplyDeleteOhhh you are in the peri-menopasual stage--even worse because you still have periods but you also get many of the menopause symptoms! You have my sympathies, Kenya. Hang in there! But for now, no swimming in the ocean!
DeleteBacking away on silent feet. Oh wait, you've already had coffee. Right?
ReplyDeleteYou're safe...I'm on my second cup.....
DeleteThank you for joining our Let's Get Social Sunday Party Have a great week :-)
ReplyDeleteLove your hop and I will be back again next week!
DeleteWell now I just can't wait for menopause. Snort. Thanks for linking up with Terrye!!
ReplyDeleteNice to see you here, Julie! Yes, I love the hop that Terrye started. Also love the Facebook one you started on Bloppy Bloggers--GREAT idea!!
DeleteMy oldest son bought me that bumper sticker (I'm still hot, it just comes in flashes now). He's a cute one, that one is. ;)
ReplyDeleteThis write-up is hilarious. :)
Awwww..see, he's thinking of you, mama!!! XO
DeleteOh Gawwwd Marcia I just wrote about feeling quite ugh w/myself yesterday!lol! You are so dead on w/all that list!lol! I'm working on that 40-something list as I write this too...it's taking me forever!lol! Love reading you!
ReplyDeleteAwww...thank you, Donna! I love seeing you here! Yes, we all have those "ugh"moments when we don't even want to get out of bed or look in a mirror. But it seems like I have more and more of them now during menopause!
DeleteLooks like a lot of fun is heading my way at the speed of a comet crashing into the planet. SO can't wait for it to hit. Great post, Marcia! This made me laugh my badonkadonk butt off! So glad you linked up with our humor hop! :)
ReplyDeleteI am THRILLED that you hosted the hop! As soon as I finish visiting all the blogs here, I am headed over there to catch some more good reads!! AND I need my son to post your hop badge here since I have NO CLUE how to do that!
DeleteIsn't it amazing/odd/terrifying that many of your top 10 are also things you feel when you're pregnant? Did you ever see that Golden Girls episode where Blanche thinks she's pregnant, but it's really just menopause? Oh my. You had me at number one. Swimming with sharks.
ReplyDeleteYou know, you're right! And I DO remember that episode! Strange how they are similar--kinda like the circle of life Lol!
Deletelol I love this! I use number 9 all the time! My husband is always saying are you sure you need that? Then number 6 pops up and he stops :) Thanks for all the laughs!
ReplyDeleteHave a great day!
Lorna
http://www.lifewithraisapain.com
That's so funny, Lorna. Yes, I think #6 occurs a little too often over here, and the Hubs is usually happy to help out when it does!
DeleteHey there! Thanks for checking out A Plethora of Pondering's! I am now a new subscriber via GFC!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the follow, Sara!
DeleteAlways good to look on the bright side.
ReplyDeleteDon't have much of a choice in this case---can't change menopause...though I sure wish I could sometimes!
DeleteI have everything on this list except not being fertile. But then again, I might not be fertile. I don't know. I've never been pregnant, so maybe I'm not even fertile.
ReplyDeleteCrap! WHAT IF I'M NOT FERTILE?!
Thanks for this post. Now I have to call my OBGYN. :-)
Oh Lisa, you always give me a good belly laugh. I swear the day just gets brighter after I read one of your comments. Thank you for that! XO
DeleteGlad you like it!
ReplyDeleteCan't wait! I'm pre-menopausal now. Already playing the temperature and weight game. So much fun. Sound like I've got a ton to look forward to. Thanks for the heads up.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your SITS day. I hope it's a great day for you.
It has been a great day so far--thank you for stopping by!
DeleteSaw you on SITS, and I look forward to hot flashes. I'm tired of being cold all the time!
ReplyDeleteOh, you'll be warm all right!
DeleteThe bright side of menopause -- I love this! Your list is hysterical! I'm not quite there yet, but I know its coming soon. Thanks to you, I will now look forward to it! Hahahaha Have a great SITS day Marcia!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Michelle! I love seeing you here all the time!
DeleteMy husband makes fun of me because I am actually looking forward to menopause! And you listed several of the reasons why here! LOL Happy SITS day!
ReplyDeleteThat's too funny! Thanks for stopping by!
DeleteCracking up at this list and the pictures make it even better! The weight gain one was my favorite! Happy SITS day!-Ashley
ReplyDeleteMe too--because the weight gain thing is so true!
DeleteSomething to look forward to! Happy SITS Day!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by from SITS!
DeleteOh, the things I get to look forward to! Yay...Or something. ;) LOL
ReplyDeleteHave a Happy SITS Day! I hope it's a great one!
It has been a great day, Thanks!
DeleteThis is a fabulous list, I'm counting down to my 'last' period...anyday now (God willing!)
ReplyDeleteYou will LOVE not having periods anymore!!!
DeleteStopping by from SITS AND Postpartum Funny Lady! Great advice, especially since I'm right on the cusp. Thanks for the heads up about what's coming down the pike!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for stopping by!
DeleteHahaha that is hilarious! Thanks for returning the laughter here!
ReplyDeleteOh my Gosh, let me tell you...I don't have a sense of humor, I'n not at all a funny person, I'm the last person to get a joke, that said.....I haven't stop laughing after visiting and reading 3 of your posts already!!! Oh Boy you are hilarious...either that or It's funny because I can relate to some of the things you are saying! It's my first time visiting your blog and I'm here to stay! I came over from the fly on the wall post...just can't stop reading!
ReplyDeleteThank You so much for posting, love this blog!
Following you now of Pinterest, G+ and FB, Lizy@http://justdipitinchocolate.blogspot.com/
Hi Lizbeth!! You have made my day! I'm so happy you stopped by and now I am going over to check out your site---I know it's going to be good because it has the word chocolate in it!
DeleteFull of laughter as always..
ReplyDeletehttp://fashionwithfitness.blogspot.com
Thank you, Irfan! I'm always happy to see you here!
Deletehaha that's gold. I think my hens are menopausal ... they don't give me any eggs, that's for sure :)
ReplyDeleteThat's too funny!
DeleteHilarious!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ellen!
DeleteLOL!! We really do have the weight of the world to bear, don't we? Why do the guys get it so easy? The only symptom I have not had is that insomnia problem... I would love to gain a few extra hours that I waste sleeping.
ReplyDeleteI never thought of it that way, but yes, I'd probably be unhappy for missing out on a few hours if I fell asleep so easily. But then again, it would be nice to feel refreshed for a change, LOL!
DeleteThis is hilarious!!! I needed to read this! I can sooooo relate to all of these!!! I'm def sharing this post with my fellow menopause mamas!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Lissa! YOU ROCK!!!! :-)
Delete