Okay, I'll admit it. I have a little blog crush on today's guest, Michael Mele, author of TWO blogs: http://the-nerdy-side-of-life.blogspot.com and http:// the-insane-asylum.blogspot.com. Michael just GETS my warped sense of humor because we are cut from the same cloth. This guy never fails to make me laugh out loud and ask, "Did he really just SAY THAT?!?" Michael is a fearless blogger---he writes about private things we THINK about but never discuss in polite company. I love the way his twisted mind works and would give my left kidney for an ounce of his humor. He's one of my favorite bloggers out there and I cherish our friendship because underneath all the snark is a soft teddy bear whom I adore. I think you will, too. Please give this awesome blogger some comment love and be sure to check out both of his blogs. Need an extra kidney, Michael?
“This Old Man”
I'm going to be an old man with triple Ds, and I don't mean the ones on some floozy’s chest who's trying to steal my bingo winnings, but rather drool, diapers and dentures, baby.
I’m going to hire Xzibit from Pimp My Ride to pimp my stairlift, because I want it to do more than just stairs; I want it to take me all around the house with some speed and some flare, and if you are in my way, I will run you over in the blink of an eye.
I’ll walk around with an M60 machine gun as my cane, the bullets wrapped around my arm like a blood pressure cuff. The mere sight of me will have all those young punks crapping their underoos and thinking twice before messing with this old man.
I’m also going to have my grandkids call me something cool--- none of that corny cliché stuff. I want a name that represents who I am and what I’m about; something like grand pimp pa…..what do you think?
You can keep all that walker nonsense, too. F’ those stupid tennis balls on the legs, because I’m going to be rocking a 4 wheeler for my means of transportation, and if you don’t like it, you can just kiss my ass when I fly by.
When people see me coming down their street they’ll avoid me like as if I was a bill collector and their asses were delinquent; like as if I was a Jehovah Witness with a police door ram or like as if I was a homeless man begging for change on the side of the road…you get the picture.
I’ll put your lights out like an unpaid light bill; you will get blasted by a badass bastard that smells of Bengay and moldy cheese.…nuff said.
I’m going to be the dirty old man who is molesting all the nurses in the doctor’s office while I’m getting my annual physical--- popping Viagra before coming in just to make sure my raisined pickle is standing strong and tall.I want them all to know that just because there’s snow on the roof doesn’t mean there’s no fire in the furnace.
I would also make sure to slather on the Old Spice and smooth out all my wrinkles so I look fine as a mutha. I would be like the Brad Pitt of old people and on the cover of “Old People” as the sexiest senior alive.
I'm not going to be the cranky old man who is constantly yelling at all the brats to get off my lawn; if those bastards come up on my property they are going to get bombed with my soiled Depends.
Go ahead and call the cops on me, it’s all good; I’ll just get off because I’m old and senile…take that, bitches!
I’m not going to be one of those weak old men who don’t know what’s going on in the world around them, I’m also not going to be telling stories about walking to school, miles in the snow with no shoes on my feet. I’m going to be a straight up old man thug with AARP tattooed across my chest wrapped in barbwire.
And then I woke up, realizing I’m in a retirement home, sporting bedsores and eating my checkers, wishing I had some more of that good shit so I could go back to dreamland where I was the bombdiggity.
Who's MJM, well let me ask the voices in my head, I am someone who likes to laugh and who does not take life too seriously.
There is no rhyme or reason to my ramblings, there is no method to my madness, I write for fun and for the entertainment of the people who are not uptight and not afraid to have a good time.
I currently write two blogs, one for the mentally insane person "The Insane Asylum" and one for the nerd "The Nerdy Side of Life", feel free to stop by anytime.