Thursday, February 21, 2013

You Inspire Me: Two Awards And A Party Hop

     I'm never certain how many people actually read my blog posts, but today I know of three, awesome bloggers who decided that Menopausal Mother was good enough to be nominated for a few awards (no, I did NOT bribe them with a lifetime supply of boxed wine or chocolate covered cherries!).
     I was also invited by Janene and Christine over at The More Than Mommies Mixer to be their "Life Of The Party Hostess" (yeah, that certainly sounds like me!) this week. Please link up with the blog hop below once you check out the bloggers I've handed out these lovely awards to today.
     The first award is the Inspiring Blog Award, thanks to the Insomniac's Dream @ http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com. I am honored to be nominated by this talented lady since her blog posts are some of the finest writing I've seen in a long time. Her brilliance shines through in every entry she posts.

 As with any blog award, there comes a set of rules:
1.  Display award image on your blog page.
2.  Link back to the person who nominated you.
3.  State 7 facts about yourself.
4.  Nominate 15 other bloggers for the award.
5.  Notify the bloggers that they have been nominated and link to their posts.

7 Things You Were Dying To Know About Menopausal Mother:

1.  I'm addicted to the History Channel and I'm a freak for old sci-fi shows such as Twilight Zone, Lost In Space and Outer Limits.

2.  My favorite song in 2012 was Swedish House Mafia's "Don't You Worry Child."  I still listen to it at least once a day. I'm just weird like that.

3.  I don't do shots unless it's Patron Tequila.

4.  I cuss like a sailor every morning when I struggle to put my contact lenses in.

5.  I think Guy Fieri is sexy and I want to bake him a special rum cake....but I'm not gonna tell you what we're going to do with it.

6.  I'm a HUGE fan of Foghorn Leghorn. I think every father out there could take a lesson or two in parenting skills from this feisty, outspoken rooster.

7.  Yes, my husband actually does say, "Dadgummit," "Y'all" and "Now listen to me, Boy!" I think I might have married Foghorn Leghorn.

The 15 outstanding bloggers I am nominating for this award are:

http://theincoherentramblingsofasingleparent.blogspot.com
www.amotherlife.com
dontchewonthedinnertable.blogspot.com
www.bakinginatornado.com
sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com
www.lifecherries.com
xcartwright.blogspot.com
www.awriterweavesatale.com
gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com
mydailyjenn-ism.blogspot.com
taoofpoop.blogspot.com
jleesblog.com
badwordmama.blogspot.com
www.sisterhoodofthesensiblemoms.com
abandoningpretense.blogspot.com

     The next award is the Very Inspiring Blogger Award given to me twice by two of my favorite bloggers----Sandra @ www.awriterweavesatale.com  and Sarah @sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com. Sandra is one of the first bloggers I met when I was new to the blogging community, and she helped me numerous times with getting my blog off the ground. I could always turn to her for advice---and pretty soon our blog relationship turned into a true friendship. Sandra is my go-to gal and a damn good writer!  Sarah I just met a few months ago and quickly discovered we're kindred spirits. Our wacky sense of humor is so similar, it's scary. Who else can I talk to about ear wax casseroles and Barbie bidets?  We've even fantasized about joining the Navy Seals together---now THAT'S what I call a REAL friend!

    The rules for this award are the same:
1.  Link back to the person who nominated you.
2.  Post award image on your site.
3.  List 7 random facts about yourself.
4.  Nominate 15 other bloggers.
5.  Notify the bloggers that they have been nominated and link back to their site.

7 MORE Things About Menopausal Mother:  (If you're not comatose yet, you're getting to know me a little too well by now...)

1.  I have a secret stash of Christmas cookies left in my freezer. Shhh....don't tell the kids....OR the husband.

2.  I have a heart murmur, and the irregular beat scares the shit out of me sometimes. But I refuse to give up caffeine. Coffee is my crack.

3.  I have 60 squirrel figurines in my house. Yes, I'm obsessed.

4.  I also love zombies but I can't collect them. They'd stink up my house.

5.  I get my best blog post ideas while I'm soaped up in the shower or at 3:00a.m. during a bathroom run.  Go figure....

6.  I make lists for everything.  I even add "make a list" on my list. I'm OCD like that.

7.  Last year my husband and I scheduled our colonoscopies together (you can read about it here). All they gave us was coffee and graham crackers in the hospital when we woke up from the procedure . After having a tube shoved up my ass, I think they should have given me Prime Rib.

     Since I was lucky enough to receive this award twice, I think it's only fair that I be allowed to nominate double the amount of bloggers to receive it. The 30 deserving bloggers I'd like to bestow this award on are:

tzookeeperswife.blogspot.com                               rumpunchdrunk.blogspot.com
followmehome.shellybean.com                              jonwhiting55.blogspot.com
hypnoticbard.blogspot.com                                    modmombeyondindiedom.blogspot.com
snarkfestblog.blogspot.com                                    singlewritermomrants.wordpress.com
www.theblacksheepmom.blogspot.com                 www.justkeepinitrealfolks.com
www.whencrazymeetsexhaustion.com                   stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com
forever-51.com                                                        mommybags.blogspot.com
lettersfromlaunna.blogspot.com                              www.mygirlyparts.com
whatthepoohdude.blogspot.com                             www.nicolechardenet.com/blog/
lipstickmargaritasandhairspray.com                        www.trashyblog.com
myheartblogstoyou.blogspot.com                           shitidonttell.blogspot.com
theterriblethrees.blogspot.com                                thegreekhousewife.blogspot.com
dustyearthmother.com                                            jdeneen.com
75percenthippie.blogspot.com                               panchalibolchi.blogspot.com
www.themomoftheyear.net                                   www.mail4rosey.com

     Now that you've gotten through my list of "Who's Who" in the blogging community, let's get this blog hop party started! Want to meet some more bloggers and continue the fun? Link up below and be sure to follow your hosts and co-hosts. Please hop around the links and visit other bloggers. Follow them, leave comments and make some new friends!


Here are the "rules" 
(Don't make us post bouncers at the door.)
  • Follow your Hostesses - Christine and Janene from More Than Mommies
  • Follow our Co-Hostess - Meredith at The Mom of the Year
  • Follow the Life of The Party - Marcia at Menopausal Mother We have decided to change our LOTP spot a bit.  We were worried that we might have been missing some people who tweeted and wanted to make it fair . . . sooo - we will choose someone who signs up via Twitter on the Linky below to be our LOTP each mixer.  (We choose a different Life of The Party EVERY week!  We would still TOTALLY appreciate a shout out on Twitter if you don't mind!  Tweet
  • Follow our Mixologist - This week our Mixologist is Ramona at Create with Joy Every week we will choose one participant to get our party started at the #4 slot.  All you have to do is link up under the first Linky (and follow the "rules") to be considered!
  • Follow the person directly BEFORE you on the hop!  
  • Finally, we ask that you post one (or both!) of the following buttons in either a post or on your sidebar to let other people know where you are partying today!

http://www.morethanmommies.net/2013/02/the-more-than-mommies-mixer.html






 



 


Link up your Blog Here: Link up your Facebook Page Here: Link up your Twitter Handle Here: Link up your Pinterest Boards Here: Link up your Instagram Feeds Here:

Friday, February 15, 2013

Fly On The Wall In The Nut House


     Welcome to my second group blog posting of Fly On The Wall, hosted by Karen at www.bakinginatornado.com. There are 16 bloggers brave enough to participate today in this "How-Many-Ways-Can-I-Embarrass-My-Family" project.
     The following are snippets of conversation I've stolen from my family when they were most vulnerable and clueless. In other words, when they were:
1.  Lost at the zoo
2.  Trapped for hours in the car on the highway to hell
3.  Yelling at each other over a blaring episode of mating warthogs on National Geographic
4.  Stuck in aisle 7 at the hardware store....with nary a cell phone in sight.

WARNING!!!!  IT'S ABOUT TO GET A LITTLE WEIRD HERE!!!!

"No farting by the fire pit---you might blow up the neighborhood!"

"Who wrote 'Lazy Ass' in pen across all of my Breathe Right Nose Strips?"

"I just pooped so hard I think my intestines fell out."
"Hey, at least you went! I haven't pooped in 3 days. I feel like a trash compactor."

"Dear Lord, this family is poop-obsessed!"

"Hey, your 1099 tax form just came in."
"Is it addressed to 'Loser'?"

"I thought you were on a diet."
"I am, but the chocolate bar was mocking me."

"Can you clean out the rain gutters today?"
"I'd just as soon have hemorrhoids."

"That Prozac you're on just makes you stupid silly."

"What are those brown specks in the dog's water bowl?"
"It's special pug fecal water---made from the finest backyards in America."

"I was never gross until I met you."

"Those pork chops were great but I think I have an entire pig stuck in my molar."

"I can't walk that fast! My thighs are going to chafe and create a fire."

"Just tell them if they don't vote for you that you're going to make a voodoo doll out of them and stab it every night."

"I'm so full from dinner---I think my colon just popped."

"You've exhausted me and wiped out all my memory cells."

"Did you just fart?"

"Nope. That was a flock of Canadian geese flying over the house."

"Mom, you're running on dinosaur time."

"Why is your stomach so squishy?"
"Oh, that's my human inner tube. It's filled with beer."

"The dog's diaper slipped off. We have a PENIS ALERT!"

"Get smashed, do something stupid and make memories. Just don't get arrested while you're at it."

"Have I told you lately how much I love you?"
"No, but a martini and a foot long sub would sure prove it!"


WELCOME TO THE INSANITY THAT I CALL HOME!



You can check out the other bloggers participating in the FLY at:


www.BakingInATornado.com                                     
http://www.bigaandlittlea.com/                                  
http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com/                        
http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                               
http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com                       
http://followmehome.shellybean.com                      
http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/              
http://mybrainonkids.net/                                       
http://www.findingfelicity.com                                 
www.therowdybaker.com                                      
http://smn0409.blogspot.com/                                  
http://raising-reagan.com/                

Friday, February 8, 2013

Who The Hell Is Menopausal Mother?

     I've been tagged by Karen over at www.BakingInATornado.com (who was tagged by www.theadventuresofthefamilypants.com) to answer a list of questions from a game that originally surfaced on Facebook many years ago (before I had any clue what Facebook was). Although there are 45 questions in this game, I lowered it to 25 to save your sanity, and I combined various questions from both of the above bloggers. I wouldn't hold it against you if you just wanted to jump down to the comment section and type in the generic response, "Great post!"  I'll understand.

1.  WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
          In a hospital, silly! I was not hatched from an egg or raised by wolves in the forest, contrary to
     what some people may think.

2.  WERE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE?
          My mother already had 3 children and was stumped for a name, so she decided to name me after
     her best friend, Marcia. And ever since The Brady Bunch came out, I've never heard the end of it.
     "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"

3.  IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE?
          4, not including my pug. He wears doggie diapers and tears up my house everyday. Doesn't that
     count as a toddler?

4.  HOW MANY PETS DO YOU HAVE?
          We have 2 dogs, 5 chinchillas and a rabbit. There once was more---a hedgehog, sugar glider and
     2 albino rats, but I was afraid people were going to mistake my home for a zoo and sponsor guided
     tours through the exotic pet section.

5.  YOUR WORST INJURY?
          Depends on what you're referring to. Physical injury would be the Frisbee accident I had in
     college. Snapped both bones in my left arm. Internal injuries---a 6th grade teacher who told me I
     was a stupid girl who would never amount to anything. That reminds me---I need to send him my
     blog link.

6.  DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
          Yes. I am a Squirrel Whisperer. I'm also really good at pinky wrestling and singing like Pat
     Benetar.

7.  WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING TO BAKE?
          Everyone should know this one by now---Butterfingers Rum Cake because it combines 2 of my
     favorite things---chocolate and rum.

8.  FAVORITE FAST FOOD?
          Impossible  to name one thing, unless you can find fish tacos, fried egg rolls and German, beer--
     soaked brats all under the same roof.

9.  WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
          I can't even set foot in a damn airplane---what makes you think I'd be stupid enough to jump
     off a bridge with nothing but a springy cord preventing me from becoming a human pancake?

10.  WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
          Their eyes. You know that saying, "the eyes are the window to the soul"? That stuff is true.

11.  WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
          A week ago when I was telling someone about my sister Cherie who passed away a few years
     ago.

12.  ANY CURRENT WORRIES?
          Nothing. I'm on Prozac and these rose-colored glasses fit just fine.

13.  NAME 3 DRINKS THAT YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
          Coffee. Margaritas. Wine. Guess I should've put water in there someplace, huh?

14.  WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOOK?
          Anything by Erma Bombeck. She's the icon of early housewife humor and my biggest role
     model when it comes to writing.

15.  WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A PIRATE?
          Only if I could raid ships with Johnny Depp and get stranded with him on a deserted island. I'll
     even bring the rum.

16.  FAVORITE SMELLS?
          Cinnamon, marinara sauce bubbling on the stove, Calvin Klein's Obsession For Men and my
     baby granddaughter's hair after her bath.

17.  WHY DO YOU BLOG?  Duh! World domination, what else?

18.  WHAT SONG DO YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?
          That's a creepy thing to ask. Someone must have been sitting in a closet all day crying with their
     knees drawn up to their chest to come up with this one. But since I'm being asked, the answer
    would have to be Evanescence "My Immortal"---still one of my favorites after all these years.

19.  WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
          I can only list one? Appearance wise---my stomach. I'm carrying the food baby from hell who
     has no intention of ever being born. Personality wise---my phobias and insecurities. Sometimes
     they prevent me from completing simple tasks or taking risks.

20.  FAVORITE HOBBY?
          I know I should say something snappy here like, "Hiking in the mountains near a steep cliff";
     "Swimming with sharks during menstruation" or "Sky diving in adult diapers",  but I can't.
     Facebook stalking---that's all I got.

21.  WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A FRIEND?
          Loyalty, honesty, humor and being non-judgmental. Oh---and they've also got to be able to hold
     their own in a beer pong contest.

22.  NAME SOMETHING YOU'VE DONE THAT YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D DO:
          Overdose on laxatives. NO NO NO just kidding! I can't tell you some of the things I've done
     because it might scare you away from ever reading my blog again.

23.  FAVORITE FUN THINGS TO DO?
          Other than swilling cheap wine and starting food fights, I'd have to say playing with my toddler
     pug.

24.  ANY PET PEEVES?
          Dirty feet. Ear wax. Unflushed toilets. People who only want to talk about themselves (hey,
     this doesn't count! I was ASKED these questions, people!).

25.  WHAT'S THE LAST THING THAT MADE YOU LAUGH?
     Answering all these questions as honestly as I could.



     Wow! You're still here? Impressive. Now I'm going to tag 20 bloggers for this challenge. Some are new blogs to me while others have been "bloggy buddies" for awhile.  Hopefully
they'll take me up on this. AND you'll get a chance to crawl inside the humorous minds of some of my favorite, funny, gal pals!

http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com
http://followmehome.shellybean.com
http://modmombeyondindiedom.blogspot.com
http://mydailyjenn-ism.blogspot.com
http://www.awriterweavesatale.com
http://taoofpoop.blogspot.com
http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com
http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com
http://www.nicolechardenet.com
http://singlewritermomrants.wordpress.com
http://jleesblog.com
http://www.lifecherries.com
http://www.amotherlife.com
http://myheartblogstoyou.blogspot.com
http://lipstickmargaritasandhairspray.com
http://thegreekhousewife.blogspot.com
http://xcartwright.blogspot.com
http://www.bigaandlittlea.com
http://www.justkeepinitrealfolks.com
http://www.whencrazymeetsexhaustion.com


     Like what you read here? Great! Now go vote for Menopausal Mother in the Circle Of Moms Contest ( ENDS FEB. 13). Thank you! http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-Funny-Moms-2013.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Valentine's Day Gift Horrors

     This is my third time participating in the Secret Subject Swap with 15 other talented bloggers, hosted by Karen @ http://www.bakinginatornado.com. My prompt question today comes from the awesome blogger Tracy @ http://www.momaical.com.
     I've decided to do something different this time with my prompt question, which happens to be: "Your significant other just gave you the worst Valentine's Day gift ever. What is it and how do you react?" This is my off-the-wall interpretation of the prompt, written in the form of a tacky, rhyming poem. Let's see who can make it to the bottom of the page without running for the hills.


VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT HORRORS

I asked my husband for a Beemer
he misunderstood and gave me a lemur

I had hoped for a diamond ring
years later I ended up with four offspring

"How about a fancy dinner?"
He said, "Forget it--you need to get thinner."

I asked for a pug puppy
I ended up with a Bubble Guppy

I was looking for romance
he offered to buy me implants

All I wanted was his heart
he pulled up in the driveway with an ox cart

I asked for a night on the town
instead he sent me a scary, fat clown

When I asked for steamy sex
he told me he was out of latex

I mentioned flashy jewelry
he took me instead to a warehouse brewery

I really wanted chocolate candy
I ended up with a mean guinea pig named Andy

I asked for sexy lingerie
but to my dismay
he gave me a pink bidet

I wanted roses that were red
he bought himself a tool shed

When I asked for a sign of his love

he sent me one white, pooping dove

I was craving a chocolate eclair
but I got a man with no hair
who danced like Fred Astaire

After years of misunderstood Valentine's gifts
we've had our share of tiffs

I know his gifts were from the heart
but they were all wrong from the start

Rather than cursing him to Hades
I bought him instead, a pair of hearing aids!


Here are the other fab bloggers participating in SSS. Be sure to stop by and say hello to them!





Love what you read here? Check out the Circle Of Moms contest I'm in (click on link below and it will take you right to it) and cast your vote for Menopausal Mother. She needs some lovin' today! http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-Funny-Moms-2013

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