Friday, January 10, 2014

You Might Be Menopausal If…..

 
      Google symptoms of menopause and you'll probably find my face underneath the list of traits that define a woman on the brink of menopausal insanity. That crazy lady with the wild eyes and the tufts of hair in her hands as she yanks it from her scalp? That's me. I've been menopausal for YEARS. Yes, you heard right. Menopause set up camp in my uterus four years ago and hasn't vacated the premises since the first heat wave from hell arrived in the form of a scorching hot flash. Menopause pulled up a lounge chair and made herself comfortable as she waved goodbye to my estrogen levels while they packed their bags and fled for younger ground. That's when the real fun began, and Mother Nature has been laughing at me ever since.
     If you're a middle-aged woman who is experiencing any of the following symptoms, I'd say that menopause is getting ready to set up house in your lady parts and turn your fertile ground into the Mohave Desert.

HOT FLASHES:  Has there been a sharp increase in your electric bill along with a decrease in the temperature of your home? Is everyone in your family wearing sweaters at the dinner table while you're fanning yourself and using a rag to wipe your sweaty brow? If you feel like you're trapped in Hell's sauna without an exit door, then you might be menopausal.

WEIGHT GAIN:  Have you broken into your savings account for a new wardrobe that includes stretch fabric pants and knee-length muumuus that are wildly popular at Walmart? When you squeeze into a bathing suit, do strangers try to rub your Buddha belly for good luck? If you feel like an over-inflated balloon ready to burst, you might be menopausal.

MOOD SWINGS:  Are you envious of your bipolar uncle who is on meds to balance out his roller coaster emotions? If you feel like Mother Theresa one minute and Attila the Hun the next, you might be menopausal.

NIGHT SWEATS:  Do you wake in the middle of the night in a warm, sticky puddle that was once your bed? If solar flares spark your sleep and leave you melting into the bed sheets, you might be menopausal.

LOW LIBIDO:  If your vagina has turned into a quicksand trap and your sex drive is like that of a spayed animal, you might be menopausal.

HAIR LOSS:  Have you lost enough hair to open a wig shop? If you suddenly find hairless cats and shaved chihuahuas adorable, you might be menopausal.

MEMORY LOSS:  Have you wallpapered your house in Post-it Notes to remind yourself to turn off the stove and flush the toilet? If you share symptoms of Granny's dementia and get lost easily in the cereal aisle at the grocery store, you might be menopausal.

FATIGUE:  Do you have a toddler tantrum when you find that the coffee pot is empty at 3:00 p.m.? If narcolepsy sets in and causes you to function on autopilot with a Red Bull in your hand, you might be menopausal.

INDIGESTION:  Do you feel as though someone lit Roman candles in your throat or cannons in your stomach after dinner at the local Mexican restaurant? If you have the urge to yell, "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"….you might be menopausal.

FREQUENT URINATION:  Have you recently bought an adult diaper bag masked as a purse to hide your supply of Poise Pads? If your road trips are mapped out according to how many pit stops there are between your driveway and your vacation destination, you might be menopausal.

ANXIETY:  Do you grind your teeth like an agitated badger in your sleep? If your fingernails look like they've been dipped in a piranha pool, you might be menopausal.

INSOMNIA:  Do you like to play mind games in the middle of the night like Name That Tune or Workplace Trivial Pursuit? Do you find the inner workings of a glowing, digital clock fascinating at 2:00 a.m.? If someone named Mr. Insomnia frequently knocks at your door after midnight with a six-pack of beer in one hand and poker chips in the other, you might be menopausal.


     If three or more of these symptoms apply to you, RUN, don't walk, to your nearest drugstore. If the pharmacist can't help you, try the liquor store next door. And don't forget to grab a box fan on your way out.


***Don't forget to check out my column this week over at In The Powder Room. This time I'm dishing on in-laws.  http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/home-time/2014-01-in-laws-from-hell.html

***Menopausal Mother was also featured this week at Midlife Boulevard.  Find out why I'm always hungry in the menopausal Hunger Games: http://midlifeboulevard.com/menopause-hunger/

***Last but not least, please don't forget to vote for "Menopausal Mom" at Voice Boks if you haven't already. Thank you, I appreciate the support! http://voiceboks.com/top-50-hilariously-funny-nominated-parent-bloggers-2014/ 

46 comments:

  1. Oh how I can relate. I have the hot flashes, the night sweats and the mid-section weight gain - ARGH! I have been known to stick my entire head into the freezer section at the local grocery store when I'm having a hot flash, with little regard to all the people around me because the hot flash is so strong that I need to COOL DOWN anyway I can. It sucks! And, because I'm on Tamoxifen, it's exacerbated, holy smokes. Love your post, made me laugh this morning.

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    1. Oh Claudia I am SO with you! I almost get a panicky, trapped feeling when a bad hot flash come on--feels like I'm in an oven and all I want to do is get OUT of the heat!! Hey, thanks for the kind words---you made me smile big time! XO

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  2. You write the story of my life right now. On the plus side, my co-workers and people close to me have learned the warning signs and run away quickly. LOL!

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    1. Ha-ha! My kids are the same way---I swear they can see the shift in mood swings before I even realize I'm about to blow my top!

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  3. Eeeekk I'm just in my (ahem) EARLY 30's and I have some of these symptoms! I can foresee that it's going to be a lot worse for me when I get there Hahahahahaah

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    1. Look on the bright side---if you're already going through some of these symptoms, maybe you'll be one of the lucky few who breezes through menopause! :-)

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  4. haha, yup, I might be in menopause - you know that it had to be a married man that named it right? LOL

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    1. Exactly!! I always wondered why the word started with "men"!!!!

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  5. I can so relate to alot of these! Especially needing a Fan, and the MEMORY LOSS! =)
    Have a great day!

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    1. The memory loss is VERY frustrating----and kinda scary!

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  6. I know I am not menopausal but well, Mother Teresa and Attila, the Hun , Insomnia and Fatigue seems to be a part of my life and I have embraced it. :(

    Yes, I am 26. How uncool is that!
    I always love your posts no matter what you write about!
    xoxo

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    1. Awwww…you are so sweet, Nivedita, thank you for the kindness! Sorry to hear you are already dealing with insomnia and fatigue. Hope you can get a good night's rest soon!

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  7. I am menopausal :( ... I haven't had the weight gain yet and it can stay away for a looooong time... I have another contest I have to win!!!

    I think I am pretty sure I checked of yes to most of these... especially those lovely (sarcastic) night sweats and hot flashes... maybe that is how I am losing my weight... haha

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    1. Oh man, if only that were true---I've been having hot flashes and night sweats for 4 years now and I keep gaining weight! Whaaaa!

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  8. Ah, yes, menopause is so much fun, isn't it? And it lasts for such a long time. We women are so lucky!

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    1. I'm terrified after talking to someone recently who said she was menopausal for TEN YEARS!!!! NOOOOOO!

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  9. Been there. Still there. Never-ending! Going on 12 years, give or take. I can't remember.

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  10. I've only been menopausal for about 14 years myself. Oh, did you say me, or my lovely bride?? You know, we both sleep with fans on our sides of the bed. Maybe I'm "man-o-pausal." :)

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    1. HAHAHA you crack me up, MJ! Wow--it is so good to see you back here and have you back in the blogging world. I missed you!!

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  11. I should print this out and put it on my fridge for future reference. Then I can just start checking stuff off... LOL!

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    1. Or you can just call me and we'll commiserate together…..

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  12. HAAHA to grabbing a box fan on the way out of the door from the liquor store if the pharmacy doesn't help. I'm in that weird place (45) where I think it might happen soon and then I get (again) the worst period of my life, making me instead feel like a 15 year old girl who wasn't planning on leaking all over her white pants. I have a doc appt next week and I plan to ask what the f is going on. In the meantime, I LOVE this post as it's hilarious, informative, and overall perfect.

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    1. Oh my---you sound like you might be peri-menoausal---that's how it starts.My periods got really bad for about a year and then….the first hot flash from hell. Call me when it starts---I'll mix up a batch of margaritas and we'll commiserate together.

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  13. Women go through so much on this earth. Childbirth is just one of them, and to add to the list 'Menopause'. How long does all of this last because you said you've had it for 4 years? And someone in the comments mentioned 14 years. Isn't there something medical that can speed up the process or stop it?

    People say that women are the weaker sex, I don't think so.

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    1. I've known a small handful of women who were lucky enough to bounce back after only year. Then there are others who, like you said, have it for YEARS. There are hormones that can be taken to lessen the symptoms but some have been linked to cancer, so I'm not going that route. Just going to "sweat" it out until Mother nature decides I've paid my dues! Thanks for stopping by, RPD!

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  14. Sounds like it's going to be fun, and it's right next door for me, with the welcoming door wide open. *sigh*

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    1. Call me when it starts---I'll bring over the wine! :-)

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  15. I've had most (if not all) of these symptoms since I had my tubes tied ten years ago. For extra fun- I get to still have excruciatingly painful and messy periods too!

    Best of both worlds. Yay.

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    1. That SUCKS! Not fair! I'm hoping that once you get older and hit menopause, your body will breeze through it, after everything you've been through!

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  16. wow...the future looks bleak! I'm skeered now. You know, I survived years of overly-heavy periods (due to benign uterine cysts) and also migraines. I'm thrilled to have had neither in years, thanks to daily migraine meds (that I'm now off of, as of two weeks ago, yipppeee!) and a hysterectomy in 2010. I hope this lasts many years more. NOT looking forward to menopause! DAMNIT!

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    1. Beth, you might be spared since you've already had the hysterectomy. I've heard that once you have been through all that, it's a cake walk!

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  17. All of the above, Marcia. All of the above. But I'm jealous of your Mr. Insomnia. Mine shows up in a ragged clothes and plants his dirty shoes on my bed and breathes his horrid sour-egg breath in my face. Who can sleep with that?!

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    1. Eeeeewwww! You are correct---I'll keep my beer toting, poker playing insomnia!

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  18. You women think you have it tough? What about us menopausal men? Our list of symptoms dwarfs yours! Here we go:
    1. Constant worrying that we are past it.
    Eh - ok that's it - but it's a real toughy. I await all the sympathetic and supportive comments from all you ladies!

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  19. I'm so glad I don't have to go through this, but am now in fear for when my gal does!

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    1. Keep reading my blog and you'll have a good handle on what to expect---and how to coexist peacefully when your wife is in the throes of a menopaual meltdown!

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  20. Oh Marsha, you hit every nail on the head. Why oh why do we women have to go through this. I am so tired of it all you'd think I'd get a good nights sleep, but no...Thank you, thank you for sharing at least I know I am in good company.

    Barbara @ www.allmylivesnow.com

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    1. You betcha! We're in this together, Barbara!

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  21. Perfect! No need to go to the doctor. I just diagnosed myself. I don't like the bitchiness part but someone's gotta do it ;)

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    1. That's right! I wear the crown in our family!

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  22. I love this!! I was laughing so hard I nearly peed!!

    Laura @ Mice In The Kitchen

    I am putting together a cash giveaway if you would be interested in being part. Love to have you!!

    http://www.miceinthekitchen.com/2014/01/tax-day-cash-giveaway.html

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  23. Haven't really started this big-time but I do my research (like hanging out with the Meno Mama, lol) so's I know what to expect and hopefully won't be too much of a monster to my nearest and dearest :) I really can't stand women who use hormones as an excuse to be bitchy (otherwise I know a few women who are on the rag 30 days out of the month and/or who have been going through menopause since they were 21 :) but I know there are some very real mood and hormonal changes that one has to deal with. I dread being in a face to face meeting at the office some day and getting a hot flash...haven't had one yet but I know the little bitches are just waiting for me just around the corner :)

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    1. Oh Gurl, just you wait----your office will not know how to handle you once you hit full-on menopause. It unleashes the inner bee-otch in all of us!

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