Thursday, April 3, 2014

8 People I Love To Hate At The Gym

I'm a sucker for those late night weight loss infomercials, and as a result, own a library of workout DVDs and a machine that transforms into a torturous, in-home gym. At first I enjoyed exercising on my own schedule in the privacy of my home. I wore my ratty, Lycra shorts from the late 1980's and didn't care if I looked like a Richard Simmons reject.

After months of listening to the same, peppy instructors encouraging me to sweat through the pain, I wanted to kickbox the television. It didn't help that my daily exercise regimen included an audience of snickering children.

I ditched the DVDs in favor of a membership at a women's gym. Now I actually look forward to my workouts, but this enjoyment comes with a price. And I'm not talking about the cost of a one-year membership. While most of the gym women are considerate, there are those who make the experience less than pleasurable:

MIRROR HOGS: These are the women who run into class late and scoot in front to get a spot by the mirror. Coincidentally, they're the same people who lack coordination and throw the entire class off. I can't be responsible for what happens if my elbow connects with their face.

YAPPERS: After living on rabbit food for a month, the last thing I want to hear about is your orgasmic experience with a seven layer brownie cake.

POOPERS: These ladies drop their stink bombs off in the gym bathroom before hitting the treadmills. I understand the need to clean out the bowels before working out, but do us all a favor and take your fiber supplements AFTER you exercise.

DNA SWAPPERS: Some people think nothing of leaving sweat puddles on the equipment or hacking up a lung while recovering from the flu. DNA samples are not necessary unless a forensics team needs them after drawing your chalk outline on the gym floor.

CHRONIC FARTERS: These women have blow holes like whales and no interest in corking it for the sake of other people's olfactory systems. When I zumba into their fart clouds, my nose hairs feel singed and my eyes water as if I've been hit by tear gas.

EXHIBITIONISTS: Women who come to the gym in shorts that reveal every inch of uncovered lady bits and tank tops begging for a Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction. Go buy a freakin' bra.

EQUIPMENT HOGS: These people get lost in a daydream and sit for an hour on the machine instead of doing their reps. Makes me wish I had a pocket defibrillator or a taser to shock them into moving.

BARBIE DOLLS: You know the type. Perfect bodies. Botoxed out the butt....and yet they whine, “OMG, I need to lose 20 pounds!” Just. Shut. Up.

The real heroes of the gym are the 70+ crowd of ladies still shaking their retired money makers in class. I admire their fortitude and hope to be just like them when I'm older. Flatulence and all.


***This week you can also find Menopausal Mother dishing on what it's like to be married to a menopausal man at: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/menopausal-man/   

***I also did a funny interview over at Questionable Choices In Parenting this week. You can find it here: http://74.220.207.116/~questir1/2014/04/02/mother-perfect-mother-unique-mothers-day-giveaway-interview-menopausal-mother/

***Last but not least, Meno Mama was featured again on one of her favorite sites, The Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop! You can read my funny take on aging here: http://humorwriters.org/2014/04/04/vultures-waiting

Wish me luck, Folks-----heading out next week to my very first humor writer's conference (Erma Bombeck Conference) in Ohio!! WHOO-HOO!!!!!

57 comments:

  1. Lol, I couldn't agree more.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes!!! Now I know why I hate going to the gym! It's not about the whole hard work and sweating. It's because of THEM!! And one more... The ones who hog the equipment!! They seem to have their own rotation going between two or more machines and have towels on both so they can do a set on one, switch to the other, and switch back again. Hello!!! Share please!! Plus the phone talkers!! I assume that's what you meant by "yappers" but just to confirm. So glad I can blame my lack of gym time on others instead of my own motivation now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm right there with you. THEY SAVE A SPOT ON THE EQUIPMENT WITH THEIR SWEATY TOWELS????? Gah! I've never seen that----which is probably a good thing because I just might throw up if I do see it. Or get seriously pissed off.

      Delete
  3. Amen . . . all the reasons above have me still hesitating on the whole gym membership thing. Well, that and I just don't want to go. LOL! Oh yeah, and I'm afraid I'd end up in the chronic farters category . . . how wrong would that be? I'd have to go into witness protection so no one would know who I was.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wear large sunglasses while you work out and buy those farting butt shields to hold in the smell. BWAHAHAHA!!!!!

      Delete
  4. I. Can. Relate. Completely. Thank you. LOL Tweeted

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you liked it Carol, and thank you for sharing it!

      Delete
  5. I've never been to a gym, for several of the reasons you describe. Instead I jog at 6.00 am in the morning 3-times per week and have an exercise bike in my back room. I prefer to do my sweating alone! Astute observations, as alway Marcia.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I fear that if I didn't have the gym, I would never be inspired to exercise since I am basically lazy by nature. I just have to put up with a lot of lady farts to stay in shape!

      Delete
  6. YES- to all of the above, but especially the Equipment Hogs, which at my gym are the MEN. Get OFF already. This girl wants to pump some iron!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thankfully I belong to an all-female gym. I definitely could not handle the fart clouds from men!!!!

      Delete
  7. I can strangely tolerate the farters (probably because I can be a farter and I have a husband who could clear a room) but the Barbie types and exhibitionists piss me off.

    Yes, sweetie. I get it. You think you're fat even though it's clear you probably don't weigh more than 120 pounds soaking wet. How about STFU and go eat a carrot while the rest of us try to burn off that brownie we ate last night.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly!!!! I can't stand the Barbie doll types!!! They're also the same ones who have all the matching work-out accessories. Ugh!

      Delete
  8. I sort of held my breath reading through hoping I wasn't one of those types you hate. But no, you didn't hate on the one who slinks to the back of the room bumping into walls (but happily flatulence free).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those are always the sweetest women at the gym---and usually the ones I friend so we can commiserate over the stinkers, LOL!

      Delete
  9. I don't frequent a gym but I found much to laugh at here. Take care and have a terrific weekend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Stephen! Glad you dropped by! You have a great weekend, too!

      Delete
  10. Oh, I laughed! I recognized every single one of these! In full colour and smell-o-vision.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Diane, you are so freaking funny!!!! "Smell-O-Vision"??? Only YOU would think of that ( but OMG I wish I had!!!!)

      Delete
  11. Yeah I think everyone hates those woman

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am so with you... I think the people who sweat all over the machines and then walk away are rude... and omg to the skinny girls who complain they need to lose weight... yah okay... lol

    I think that is why I don't hang out at the gym too often... I do my exercising outside...

    I hope when I am 70+ I will be hanging out with the cool old ladies at the gym.. maybe I can teach the class :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey you are so right! Last week, the younger zumba teacher had to cancel at the last minute, and I'll be damned if a lady 70+ didn't take over the class--- and she did an EXCELLENT job!!! I wanna be HER when I grow up!!!!

      Delete
  13. I can't stand equipment hogs. My biggest peeve is the two guys that come in and do one rep and then sit and talk for an hour while keeping me from using the bench press. LOL! I have seen all of these people at one time or another. Great post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. knew you would relate since you go to the gym. Isn't it is soooo annoying? Enough already!!!!

      Delete
  14. I have never seen you at my gym but you must go there because I know all those people! Great post

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHAHA!!!! Thanks, Kathy! You'll find me hiding in the back row during zumba class!

      Delete
  15. I want to be like the 70yo money maker shakers, too and cannot stand the stupid mirror hogs and the pooper dumpers. As somebody who only poops at home, I find them disgusting and icky. And HHAAHHA this post was, as always, beyond hilarious. Gross to the sweaters too who leave the machines all wet and icky. I'm afraid I'm going to catch something. Also I have not been to the gym in months. Can I blame the jerks you highlight here?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely! Perfect excuse---the amount of DNA left behind is enough to make anyone really sick or at least GAG!!!!

      Delete
  16. This is awesome. It's the female version of my rantings about the douchebag guys at the gym!

    Except the Poopers. I don't get that one. Women poop? I thought that was a myth? I refuse to believe women drop a load.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ohhhhhh Phil, if you could step foot into a woman's restroom you would see what it's all about. No, literally----you could SEE everything they ate in some of those toilets because "ladies" sometimes do not FLUSH!!!!

      Delete
  17. Women fart in the gym? Tell me it ain't true! Do they blow off when they're on the treadmill and their butt-cheeks are moving? It should be possible to fart in a ladylike way, I think.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would hope so, but since some of these "ladies" have uncorked blow holes, sadly the room can get pretty stinky at times.They should pass out gas masks at the front door.

      Delete
  18. Chronic farters are the WORST!! And then, sometimes you've got a person on the treadmills on either side of you, and you're not sure at whom to direct your stink eye. (Pun totally included!) This is a great list, Marcia!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahahaha! Good thing they play the music really loud at the gym, otherwise you could HEAR their farts a mile away.

      Delete
  19. I hate the naked sauna people-creeps me out-

    ReplyDelete
  20. I second that comment about the sauna people...it's just not necessary and TOTALLY creepy! Fun post Marcia :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. LOVE every word.

    The person I despise the most is BARBIE dolls cuz they make me feel damn bad about myself!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I hate the women who campout in the group exercise room, spreading their supplies (workout towel, mat, water bottle, etc) around them to establish a perimeter. As the room fills up and people are looking for a space where they are not going to poke out the eye of the person next to them -- they cheerfully ask campout girl if she can move her supplies to one side or another -- but will she? NO -- because she is a space hog and obviously the most entitled and selfish person in the gym. God, I just hate bitches like that!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I like it, I like it MM.

    Some folk have no mercy for others in the gym changing rooms. They bend, stoop, dig things out from their naked bodies whilst standing much too close for comfort. I don't want someone's backside in my face. Neither do I want their sweat being flicked all over me. Thanks for the taser tip, ha ha ha. Good idea to help people keep their distance.

    Don't get me started on the sauna issues........ I need the disinfectant right now.

    Brilliant post mate. I had to read it twice, it was such a laugh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YAY!!! I'm so glad you liked it so much! I had fun writing this one because this is my life every day at the gym, haha!

      Delete
  24. Ha... Totally agree with you!!! I so have this picture in my mind. lol Take care, Slu

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is a picture that will haunt you for a very long time…..

      Delete
  25. I mostly object to the ones for whom the gym is more of a pickup spot than a workout facility. Usually younger women who spend more time on their gym "look" than on the Stairmaster (and they're in great shape, so they're using the facilities). But...they're clearly there to scope out muscledudes. At my old gym in CT, I was the loser in the t-shirt and shorts doing my workout and keeping my eyes to myself (or on a book when I was doing cardio). Never picked up a dude, but I lost a lot of weight ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I forgot about those types---they primp and hardly sweat because they're just there for a hook-up…...

      Delete
  26. Bienvenue chez Entreprise Peinture Déco, Plus de 20 ans
    Entreprise Peinture - Entreprise Peinture-Déco
    www.entreprisepeinturedeco.fr/
    devis peinture salle à manger ma maison comme ikea 91 ile de france. devis dégâts ... Bonjour et bienvenue sur le site internet de l'Entreprise Peinture Déco !

    ReplyDelete
  27. CHRONIC FARTERS!! I swear to God, I was looking on the list for some sort of fart activity, because in yoga and pilates, I am always next to somebody tootin' at me like they just came from a Chili cook off. You're spot on with these Marcia. Drives me crazy. And speaking of the 80s - or was it the 90s? - remember that Stop the Insanity lady? lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes!!!! She had that short white, spiky hair! I think I even had her work-out videos!!!

      Delete
  28. LOVE your sense of humor, honest. But seriously, don't people have the decency to hold it in? You don't have a choice but to smell their sweat, they could at least hold in a fart. Great list.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, right??? Thanks for stopping by to read and comment! :-)

      Delete
  29. So that's what the gym is like! I think I'll stick with my little fitness routine. I'm immune to my own menopausal farts.

    Thanks for the laughs! (Visiting from Bryan Jones' Diary)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So glad you came by----I LOVE Bryan Jones' Diary!!!

      Delete