Friday, April 25, 2014

One Size Fits None

 
     I hate clothes shopping, which explains why I've never been accused of being a fashionista. It also explains why my daughters always call first to ask what I'm wearing before they bring their friends over to the house.

     Shopping is a miserable way for me to spend a day, but when my underwear drawer looks like its been attacked by hungry moths, I know it's time to hit the mall.

     After birthing four babies by c-section and sweating my way through menopausal hell, having a root canal is preferable to me than clothes shopping. I might enjoy it more if I was twenty-five pounds lighter, but shopping isn't fun when I'm forced to skip the petite section in favor of the Orca department where everything comes in black, white or shower curtain pattern.
   
     My husband often accompanies me during my clothes hunting expeditions because he is: (A) Bored with all 500 cable channels (B) Needs to replenish his tube sock collection or (C) Wants to make sure I don't spend all my cash on animal print house dresses and takeout from the Burger Barn. Normally he's pretty helpful while I scan the aisles for something I can squeeze into. It's always a challenge to find an outfit that doesn't leave me looking like the exploding dough from a Pillsbury Crescent Roll tube.

     While I'm on the other side of the store pondering zippers v.s. elastic waistbands, my husband feels no shame in shouting across the room for everyone to hear:

     "Honey, can you still fit in an XL?"
 
     "Hey Babe, you want those jeans with a control top panel, right?"

     I try to be frugal while I shop, but by the time I hit the clearance section, there are only two clothing sizes left on the racks---hummingbird or mastodon.

     Once I'm able to find a dress that doesn't resemble a large paint tarp, I head for the dreaded dressing room. It's always at this moment that I wish I lived in the 1500's where everyone bought one-size-fit-all clothing from Dirty-Smocks-R-Us and dressed by dim candlelight to mask the effects of a mead and potato diet.

     Another reason I dread entering the dressing rooms is because there are some shoppers who use these cubicles for more than just trying on clothes. How do I know this? Several of my children worked in major department stores during their high school years and shared a few nightmare tales that have scarred me for life. These popular stores should consider posting signs so that paranoid people like me don't have to worry about stepping into DNA samples left by the previous occupants. Simple signs that would be helpful, such as: "FECAL FREE ZONE" or "MOTEL 6 IS DOWN THE STREET…. THEY'LL LEAVE A LIGHT ON FOR YOU!"

     It never fails that by the time I get to the checkout counter, the angry woman in front of me with three returns and a missing receipt was once the president of her high school debate team. My eye starts to twitch the moment she engages in refund warfare with the young girl behind the cash register. Obviously neither one of these women knows I'm two hours late getting home to walk a dog known for bouts of IBS. That's one "WELCOME HOME" surprise I can do without.

     Along with the shopping spree comes the daunting task of cleaning out the old clothes to make room for the new. I'm a firm believer in recycling and have found some creative ways to repurpose my granny panties with a needle and thread. By sewing them together, I can make an outdoor patio umbrella, a tent for camping trips or an heirloom quilt for the grandkids. Pinterest has nothing on me.

     The reality is that when I try on the new clothes at home, they don't look as good on me as they did in the dressing room. I'm convinced that department stores use trick mirrors so that every woman appears as shapely as an hour glass. When I get home and look in my own mirror, all I see is a pear dressed up in a shower curtain.

     Chances are I'll be returning my one-size-fits-none clothing to the mall….but only after a quick stop at the Burger Barn.



***You can find more Meno Mama this week at http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/devil-juice where I dish on the (funny) effects of too much wine.

        ***********************BREAKING NEWS!!!*************************


 I'm pleased to announce that Menopausal Mother's first book, "Who Stole My Spandex? Midlife Musings From A Middle-Aged MILF" will be released this coming July 2014!!!


     Many of you dear readers have been asking me if I would ever consider putting my nutty life in a book so that you can enjoy my wackiness 24/7. That time has come, and I hope you will spread the word, join my author site here: http://www.marciakesterdoyle.com and sign up for news of the official release here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1Sktj_KWKQgRlj4-YJWMD4eeuwROs2bGXJkdpq5B1fqI/viewform.





91 comments:

  1. HA HA HA! You're right! Pinterest has nothing on you! Loved this. And I'd love to see a pic of that recycled patio umbrella. Not because I'm a creeper, but because I could use some hints on how to recycle my own larger intimates! :)

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    1. LOL you're too funny Crystal! I'll take a picture of the heirloom quilt too. Won't the grandkids love that?

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  2. Congrats on the book! I'm not (yet) menopausal and only had 3 c-sections, but I feel you. I just shop online now and pretty much wear the same thing all the time.

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  3. If you can handle needle and thread you could design and make your own clothes, or better yet, launch your own label, there must be LOL (lots of ladies) who'd be thrilled to order from "MARCIA's SPANDEX & more"? Especially if every delivery would include a bottle of wine!?
    And I am with you about the trick mirror. Big time!
    Happy Friday!

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    1. Hey, I think you're onto something there, Tamara! If I can't make any money writing, I'm going into the clothing business!!

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  4. Great Article. This is Also a Great Blog. Thank you very much for Sharing. Keep up it.

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  5. Lord, I have fallen off my chair, peed my pants and am now having a hot flash! This is so hilariously funny I will be thinking of it all day (I have to go buy new underwear today!) All I can say is YES! Exactly how I feel!

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    1. Hahahaha WOW! I think you just made MY day with the awesome words! Thanks!

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  6. I don't enjoy shopping either. Seems like nothing fits, and the lights in the dressing room emphasize every flaw I would rather ignore. Don't even get me started on bathing suits.. the worst!

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    1. I am ashamed to admit that I have not shopped for a new bathing suit in twenty years. Yes. TWENTY YEARS. Which also explains why I went into a swimming pool last summer in a t-shirt and spandex shorts. My first time in a pool in probably twenty years as well!

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  7. This piece is just filled with gems! I love the lines "everything comes in black, white or shower curtain pattern" ... "only two clothing sizes left on the racks---hummingbird or mastodon." And the patio umbrella crafted from your underwear is priceless! Thanks for the laugh this morning! You neglected to mention one more thing, though ... how clothing manufacturers seem to think that if you wear anything larger than a medium, they need to craft it from synthetic fabrics that would melt to your skin in a flash fire!

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    1. OMG you're right, Parri! With my wardrobe, I'm bound to become BBQ if the house catches on fire!!!

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  8. Agree about the mirrors. For sure. But mostly am impressed that your husband is actively participating. My husband would rather do anything else.

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    1. I swear, I think he only comes with me because he is bored or wants to buy something for himself. It has nothing to do with the fact that the mall is right next to his favorite restaurant that has all sorts of imported beers…...

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  9. My husband hasn't shopped with me since he was trying to pretend it would be our thing when he was trying to get me to marry him. Never again...

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    1. Too funny-----but don't tell my hubs…..

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  10. Oh my gosh, you always make me laugh, but this post just made me belly laugh! So hilarious. I hate any kind of shopping, but clothes shopping is the worst!

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    1. Glad you liked it----I have to admit, I was cracking up the whole time I was writing it…..like, for days, and my hubs thought I was losing my mind…..

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  11. This is hilarious! I can see why you've been giggling about it all week ;-)

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    1. I couldn't sleep the other night because I was still laughing about it. Glad it made you giggle, too!

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  12. "in favor of the Orca department where everything comes in black, white or shower curtain pattern."
    This blog post is hitting it out of the park! Thanks for the laughter, and my confirmed commitment to shopping online despite needing to return 3/4 of what I buy.

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    1. Thanks, Amy! I'm with you---online shopping is it for me---too scarred by the dressing room stories to go back to the mall…..

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  13. Hilarious and so relatable! I used to feel like I was the only one with these issues, but my size, or the closest thing without tailoring, is always GONE! So there must be a lot of people my size?? Or a lot of people repurposing these mumus for outdoor furniture covers :) that part was hysterical!

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    1. Frustrating, isn't it? And why can't they make the same cute clothes in larger sizes that they have in petites???

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  14. I wish you could hear me right now. It sounds like this: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :)

    You are the Queen of hilarious similes and metaphors.

    Hummingbird or Mastodon....LMAO.

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    1. Awwwww….thanks, my lovely friend. You have made my day. Love you, Bethie!! XO

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  15. Clothes shopping sucks...the end. By the way, your husband only does those thing because you drag him with you, he's trying to get you to let him just stay home...trust me, I know this from personal experience. Awesome post, very funny.

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    1. LOL Michael---now how do you know I haven't bribed him in a creative way to get him to go with me to the mall, hmmmm??

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  16. Those one size really are for smaller sizes...yep. Doesn't work for me either!lol!

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    1. One of these days the department stores will wise up to the fact that not all of us are shaped like Barbie dolls. I was born shaped like an apple and will forever BE an apple.

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  17. Shower curtains can be ordered online. And you've already got needle and thread. You may never have to go to the mall again (well, just to Burger Barn).

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    1. Great idea! Just think of the variety of colors I'll have to choose from!

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  18. LMAO at what your husband yells out across the store! Even though you want to kill him that is funny.

    I know what you mean about the dressing rooms. Here in NYC at Macy's I have seen what looks like biological science experiments in some. Others just smell like body odor.

    As a guy I actually don't mind shopping for clothes, but I do dread it as I also need to refresh my wardrobe. Might as well do it while drunk!

    Funny post!

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    1. Yeah, only until I start trying on women's clothes. Then I know it's time to quit for the day!

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  19. I must have led a sheltered life - you mean people actually 'do it' in the changing cubicles? I thought that only happened in those seedy porno films (not that I've seen any - honest!)

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    1. I don't know which is more disturbing--sex in the dressing rooms or pooping in the corners. Ack!

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  20. Marcia, I think this is one of my all-time favorite posts. I was laughing out loud from start to finish as you slipped your cracks in there! HILARIOUS!! And holy sheot--CONGRATS on the book!! You KNOW I'll be getting a copy...actually, I'd like a signed copy. Gonna go check on your author site to see how to get one!

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    1. I would be thrilled if you bought a book (don't forget some for your funny family as well!) and I would be more than happy to sign it for you!

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  21. Heeeeelarious! I'm not sitting under your patio awning when I visit though . . . LOL!

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    1. I guess this means if we have a slumber party, you're not going to want to use my granny panty quilt either, huh?

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  22. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Meno Mamma, you need a shopping intervention, girl! Unfortunately your story resonates with a lot of women I see every day. I wish I could save them all! Advice from a pro? 1) Shop someplace where the people can actually help you. 2) Shapewear. 3) Don't assume something will look horrible based on what your mother told you growing up. Trust me, if all horizontal stripes made all fluffy women look fat, they wouldn't make clothes for fluffy women in a horizontal stripe. Baby doll tops do not equal maternity, and black is not the answer. 4) Learn to love your body, and stop comparing yourself to either other people or the size you used to be. I used to be a dumb and stupid teenager too. Doesn't mean I was better off. And 5) Stop trying to hide your perceived flaws. If it's 108* outside who gives a good gosh darn if your arms look like Popeye's before he ate his spinach. Wear sleeveless with pride (because wearing something to cover up would be stupid) and ain't nobody gonna notice or care what your arms look like...except you. They might notice if you are dying of heat stroke and offer to call an ambulance, and wonder why the heck you felt the need to wear a sweater...

    xo
    tzkw

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    1. HAHAHA I love this! I have the effect visual about Popeye's arms---OMG how did you know??? You just described me to a tee!

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  23. I think I laughed the hardest at how you re purpose your granny underwear as a quilt for your grandchildren..lmao..

    I know how you feel about trying on clothes ... I may not be really small, nor do I want to be but I am grateful that I can shop in so many other stores as they had little style in the upper sizes. We wanted to look good too... Have a great weekend Marcia and congratulations again on your book that is so amazing ... yay :)

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    1. It's rare that I find something that I REALLY like and when I do--I am super grateful…so much so that I will buy the exact same thing in every color it comes in….too much?

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    2. I do that with tank tops... I buy every color :)

      I wanted to let you know I will be taking a break from blogging after tonight and all social media... I need to figure out how to sleep again... :) I will miss your posts but I will definitely catch up with you when I get back :)

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    3. Oh my goodness! I hope you are able to rest up---I know how badly you need it. Will be sending prayers your way! XO

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  24. Don't even get me going. I hate clothes shopping. It's either mail order for me, or the cute little boutique right downtown when I need something nice. The thing that I love about the owner...she says yes that looks good on you, no that doesn't and once my daughter tried to pick out something a little too trendy for me and the owner said, "honey, your mom will never wear that." I love it when people know you well enough to help you pick out the right thing and accessorize it too, otherwise I am a disaster waiting to happen. And I don't wear bathing suits anymore.

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    1. I NEED a store like that! I am surrounded by major retailers here---no small little boutiques except for the ones down on the beach that cater to the old ladies….well, maybe I AM one of those little old ladies now….

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  25. I sat down to enjoy my Friday night, read your post and laughed my silly. My dog is now looking at me strangely. I think we all have looked in that store mirror then looked at our home mirror and let out a shriek. Thanks for sharing

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    1. YES!!! You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! How can the mirrors be SO DIFFERENT?!?

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  26. I hate clothes shopping at times too, ok most of the time, why because finding something that doesn't make me look like a side of beef in a dress is usually very hard and finding shorts that do not ride up between my legs also bloody hard, and let's not even think about the nightmare of trying to find a pair of jeans. My daughter Natasha thought I was over acting when I would say I could find jeans that fit well and that are in my price range, until she came jeans shopping with me one day and changed her opinion she was stunned that we tried on a dozen pairs of jeans and none looked good on me

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    1. Wow! I feel your pain. I HATE shopping for jeans, and just forget about bathing suits--I don't shop for those anymore…. that's NEVER gonna happen for me!

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  27. Oh, you are so right about the clearance rack! I can never find my size! Congrats on your new books. It looks fabulous!

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    1. Thanks, Ginny! I'm really excited about it!

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  28. The guys and gals at the VF here in town say that the fitting rooms are a danger zone... you never know what you're gonna find! I love clothes but don't love to go shopping for them. I find it hilarious when my husband accompanies me. He tries to get me to fit my butt into skirts at Express! HELL NO!!!!!! I love this my funny friend. XOXOXO!

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    1. I knew you would like this post---it has your name written all over it. OMG I haven't been able to set foot in an EXPRESS store since after the first year they opened, hahahaha!

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  29. I love this Post!! I do not like clothes shopping!!!
    and most of the time..I just try on tops over what I have on..( to avoid going into the dressing rooms ) lol
    Im going to resort to ordering clothes online, much easier that way! And, I can try my clothes on at home!

    Congratulations on your new book!

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    1. Thanks, Melissa! I'm with you---I think it's time to start ordering all my clothes from online catalogs. I hate going to the mall---unless it's for food!

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  30. You are beyond hilarious and I just adore you. F#cking shopping!!! I'm the one who always leaves thinking "it's a LITTLE BIT tight but I'm going to lose weight" and then? I have a drawer full of too damn small clothes, because once, I used to be skinny. The fact that it was years ago? I seem to forget everydamn time I go shopping! What is that? Also huge congrats on the book, it's going to do amazing. For real.

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    1. Thank you, Kristi! I'm really excited about the book. Hey--I do the same damn thing, too---buy stuff a little snug thinking I'll lose weight. This explains why I have a SECOND closet full of clothes I have NEVER worn….with the price tags still hanging from the sleeves…..

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  31. hahaha ROFL at your husband's comments. I have a different problem. I have a hard time finding shoes of my size. Having small feet is a nightmare. I see all those glittering heels only to find that the smallest they have is two sizes bigger than mine :D

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    1. That would drive me crazy! What size shoe do you wear? I wear a nine--sometimes a boat size ten---which they always seem to be out of. Lots of people with big feet walking around out there….

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  32. Still laughing so hard I'm crying~I too belong to the Orca verses Petite. And those colors offered to us Orca girls...spot freaking on!! ;) Loved this post more than I can tell ya!! Sharing it no Menomama!! ;) <3

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    1. Cheers to Orca girls! Thanks for sharing this--you ROCK!

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  33. Hilarious post! Your hubby reminds me of a kid with no filter. They just blurt out whatever! I hate shopping too!

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    1. He definitely needs a filter! Other than that, we have a pretty good time together. He mostly takes the sting out of shopping. A stop at the Burger Barn and some beers afterwards helps….

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  34. A fun post. Like many weight challenged people I also hate shopping for clothes. Take care and have a terrific weekend.

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    1. I remember when I was much younger (and thinner) it was a thrill to shop because EVERYTHING fit so nicely. Now it is more of a chore. I prefer good food over good clothing.

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  35. I think you've got a best seller there MM. The patio umbrella made up with knickers can be a great concept. Just hold on to those old undies from your family and friends and get yourself a sewing machine.Ha, ha ha ha.

    I'm not keen on buying clothes but when I do, I like to try them on at home, so no-one can hear my fits of uncontrollable laughter. I then scurry back to the shop for a refund. Size matters :)

    Congratulations on your first book MM. One of many that will be a great hit. I'm so pleased for you mate :) Keep it up girl, and keep writing.

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    1. You are so correct!! That's why I often buy my clothes from online catalogs….but then they charge a fortune to return stuff. It's so disappointing to find something I love only to try it on and it looks HORRIBLE. Ugh! This is the love-hate relationship I have with clothing.

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  36. Hi Marcia! I did a blog post on shopping for clothes. I despise it too!
    So excited for your new book!! I had no idea you had this going, you must be one busy lady. What fun to see the cover too. Best of blessings on it's release and sales. I know it will be well received, you are such a great writer! Erma Bombeck would be so proud...
    Ceil

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    1. Awwww…thanks so much, Ceil! I hope you'll pick up a few copies when it comes out in July! :)

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  37. Oh my Marcia, you are so right when you say that nothing looks like it did in the dressing room. I swear they have mirrors that reduce your size by at least -2. This is so funny. Why oh why do we torment ourselves? These are the days that I wish the sewing lessons I was forced to take as a young child would have stuck.
    Thanks for the laugh, I can surely appreciate your woes.
    Barbara @ www.allmylivesnow.com

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    1. I wish that I had paid more attention on Home Ec sewing classes….then I could at LEAST make my own clothes... that actually fit right…..

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  38. Ha... I go with Donna as well. Very similar: lol!!! And just last night... we walked into a "WELCOME HOME" surprise. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

    Enjoyed, Slu

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    1. Oh no!!! Doggie surprises are the WORST!!!

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  39. Ha,ha,ha! This is hilarious and so true. Ew on the low down you got from your children regarding department store changing rooms. AHHHHH! Very exciting about your book, I look forward to the release! :)

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    1. Awesome! I hope you'll read it when it comes out! Thanks for stopping by to check out another week of craziness at Chez Doyle!

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  40. You get stuck behind the 'return this item' gal, and if I'm shopping w/my MIL, I accompany her (which is worse, trust me, because I'm associated with her). ;)

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  41. HA! I'll take one in every color in mastodon please. And elastic ALWAYS wins. Zippers lose.

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    1. Yes! I knew there was a reason I loved you so much, Linda! Hey, can you imagine what the internet trolls would do with THIS post if it ever got on BlogHer?!? LOL!

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  42. Ordinarily I'd say the things your husband shouts to you across the crowded shopping scene are cause for immediate disembowelment with a rusty nail file, but given that he's just schlepped your red-velvet-haired arse to Dayton, Ohio (17 hours up and 17 hours back, in case you've forgotten!) so I think we should just cut him some slack on this one. :)

    As for the dog with IBS, just be glad you don't have a cat who regularly horks up hairballs. Just glad Canadians don't do wall-to-wall carpeting as hardwood floors are much easier to clean.

    Anyway, I *would* accuse you of being a fashionista...at least at the RenFaires, m'lady :)

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    1. DEFINITELY a fashionista at the Ren-Fest….but sadly, nowhere else. My kids would tell you about this shame…..

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  43. I rarely shop (I HATE shopping), but when I have to, or when my kids convince me that I have to, they won't allow me to shop for myself without supervision. I'm still waiting for somebody to invent the home liposuction kit.

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    1. If you find someone who invents it, let me know---I'll be standing in line right behind you to buy it!

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