My husband was recently laid off from work when his job title was dissolved, and he has been searching for work ever since. In order to collect his unemployment benefits from the state, he has to apply for a minimum of five jobs per week. When I handed him a list of home repairs that I've waited all year for him to do, he bumped up that minimum to fifteen per week.
There are only a handful of years left before my man can retire, and at this rate, he's willing to do just about anything to contribute to his retirement fund. However, finding a suitable job at his age hasn't been easy. He's either overqualified, unqualified, or the salary is less than what the kid down the street is raking in with a lemonade stand. Despite needing a job, he really has no interest in being a Walmart greeter or a professional pooper scooper.
I found it hard to believe that with his talent and expertise he couldn't find work, until he shared with me a list of odd jobs available in our area. Some of these interesting opportunities include the following:
GOOD YEAR BLIMP PILOT: As long as my husband doesn't mention his fear of heights on the job application, he'll do just fine.
DAY CARE CAMP COUNSELOR: Chances are the Hubs would get fired after taking the kids on their first field trip to a brewery.
OSTRICH WRANGLER & CAMEL INSEMINATOR: No. Just. No.
TOMBSTONE POLISHER: This could be a fun job as long as Hubs doesn't mind wearing a necklace made of garlic or carrying around a wooden stake and a machete.
EMU LUXURY LOUNGE DANCER: Dressing up as an emu and giving lap dances to the ladies? I might be able to talk my husband into it if free beer is involved.
ASSISTANT TO A PROCTOLOGIST: The Hubs would never do this for fear of making an ass out of himself.
DEPARTMENT STORE CLERK: My A.D.D. husband gets bored very easily, and chances are he'd entertain himself by switching around the size labels on all the clothing.
SEXY YOUNG FEMALE ACTRESSES NEEDED: I'm not sure how the Hubs would feel about shaving off his goatee and slipping into a sexy negligee. The bump in his britches might ruin his chances of starring in a sequel to "Debbie Does Dallas."
JOCKSTRAP ASSEMBLER: Fuggedaboudit. My husband would be the one to rally his coworkers into a jockstrap slingshot competition in the parking lot during lunch hour.
DINER DISHWASHER: Judging by what goes on in my own kitchen, the Hubs would eat all the untouched leftovers on the plates before washing them. This would help lower our grocery bill but I'd end up spending a fortune on man maternity pants for his growing food baby belly.
I'm sure something will turn up soon and my husband will join the ranks of the employed. Until then, it's kinda nice having my Tupperware containers organized according to size and all the light bulbs sorted by wattage in the storage closet. His next big project is to build a lizard village in the backyard.
I'm looking forward to the day the Hubs retires and we hit the road in our RV to explore the great outdoors. Maybe by then he will have perfected his emu lap dances for all the retirees to enjoy at the KOA campgrounds.
****This week you'll find more Meno Mama at HumorOutcasts where my weekly feature is about my addiction to Facebook. You can read it here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/facebook-fossil/
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