Friday, May 2, 2014

Stupid Jobs For The Unemployed

 
     My husband was recently laid off from work when his job title was dissolved, and he has been searching for work ever since. In order to collect his unemployment benefits from the state, he has to apply for a minimum of five jobs per week.  When I handed him a list of home repairs that I've waited all year for him to do, he bumped up that minimum to fifteen per week.
     There are only a handful of years left before my man can retire, and at this rate, he's willing to do just about anything to contribute to his retirement fund. However, finding a suitable job at his age hasn't been easy. He's either overqualified, unqualified, or the salary is less than what the kid down the street is raking in with a lemonade stand. Despite needing a job, he really has no interest in being a Walmart greeter or a professional pooper scooper.
     I found it hard to believe that with his talent and expertise he couldn't find work, until he shared with me a list of odd jobs available in our area.  Some of these interesting opportunities include the following:

GOOD YEAR BLIMP PILOT:  As long as my husband doesn't mention his fear of heights on the job application, he'll do just fine.

DAY CARE CAMP COUNSELOR:  Chances are the Hubs would get fired after taking the kids on their first field trip to a brewery.

OSTRICH WRANGLER & CAMEL INSEMINATOR:  No. Just. No.

TOMBSTONE POLISHER:   This could be a fun job as long as Hubs doesn't mind wearing a necklace made of garlic or carrying around a wooden stake and a machete.

EMU LUXURY LOUNGE DANCER:  Dressing up as an emu and giving lap dances to the ladies? I might be able to talk my husband into it if free beer is involved.

ASSISTANT TO A PROCTOLOGIST:  The Hubs would never do this for fear of making an ass out of himself.

DEPARTMENT STORE CLERK:   My A.D.D. husband gets bored very easily, and chances are he'd entertain himself by switching around the size labels on all the clothing.

SEXY YOUNG FEMALE ACTRESSES NEEDED:  I'm not sure how the Hubs would feel about shaving off his goatee and slipping into a sexy negligee. The bump in his britches might ruin his chances of starring in a sequel to "Debbie Does Dallas."

JOCKSTRAP ASSEMBLER:   Fuggedaboudit. My husband would be the one to rally his coworkers into a jockstrap slingshot competition in the parking lot during lunch hour.

DINER DISHWASHER:  Judging by what goes on in my own kitchen, the Hubs would eat all the untouched leftovers on the plates before washing them. This would help lower our grocery bill but I'd end up spending a fortune on man maternity pants for his growing food baby belly.


     I'm sure something will turn up soon and my husband will join the ranks of the employed. Until then, it's kinda nice having my Tupperware containers organized according to size and all the light bulbs sorted by wattage in the storage closet. His next big project is to build a lizard village in the backyard.
     I'm looking forward to the day the Hubs retires and we hit the road in our RV to explore the great outdoors. Maybe by then he will have perfected his emu lap dances for all the retirees to enjoy at the KOA campgrounds.  





****This week you'll find more Meno Mama at HumorOutcasts where my weekly feature is about my addiction to Facebook. You can read it here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/facebook-fossil/

ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?!? JOIN THE FUN THIS COMING SUMMER!!!


     Many of you dear readers have been asking me if I would ever consider putting my nutty life in a book so that you can enjoy my wackiness 24/7. That time has come, and I hope you will spread the word, join my author site here: http://www.marciakesterdoyle.com and sign up for news of the official release here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1Sktj_KWKQgRlj4-YJWMD4eeuwROs2bGXJkdpq5B1fqI/viewform.


62 comments:

  1. I have been taking a blog and social media break, I think I told you. I have been reading a few blogs here and there... I saw yours and of course had to read. First, I hope your husband finds employment soon.... second, wow those are interesting jobs, lol... I will catch up with you when I get back... :) Have a great weekend:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am honored that my blog is one of the ones you chose to read. Thank you, Launna! I hope you are getting some of that much needed rest you are seeking, my friend. I'll be thinking about you!

      Delete
  2. I'm FASCINATED by the emu lounge dancer idea. Fascinated.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I need to video tape that one….

      Delete
  3. Tombstone Polisher wouldn't be that bad. Cemeteries are so quiet and peaceful, at least during the day. I don't know about night...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love walking around them during the day, but at night….ohhhh no thanks!

      Delete
  4. My husband is also very A.D.D. and was off work 6 weeks with his shoulder. It was so nice at first got alot organized but on the fifth week I could not wait for him to go back to work!!! Hope he finds employment soon for the sake of your sanity!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amen to that, sista! I'm already going batty!

      Delete
  5. Boy am I glad I found a job, with you as my headhunter things could get a little scary! LOL You should have your hubby read the post I wrote comparing job hunting to "the world's oldest profession". :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOVED that post----the job with the men's underwear would be PERFECT for my hubs!!!

      Delete
  6. OMG! The photos! Those are what had me cracking up the most! At least you are both keeping your sense of humor in all of this and not letting it get you guys down. Kudos!

    And those jobs? I admit some I'd actually consider just for the fun of it. But camel inseminator? Oh heeeeellllll no!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It could be worse---have you ever seen the poor guys who have to do the elephant inseminating? Yikes!!!!

      Delete
  7. Well, everyone could use a Tupperware Organizer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll send him over when he's done here, LOL!

      Delete
  8. I've inseminated a cow; it ain't so bad. Another job was someone who works at a spa called a hydrocolontherapist--that one made me scream at the computer and slam it with a "hell, no!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG I heard about those jobs!!! EEEEEWWWWWW!

      Delete
  9. LOL! My guess is that people wouldn't mind being one of those sexy young actresses!!! And I guess a tombstone polisher or two does come in handy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those "actress" ads pop up a lot where I live----pretty gross but I might be able to talk the hubs into shaving….

      Delete
  10. Wowsers! I never knew such jobs existed. I will keeping your hubby in prayers to get a job. My hubby just got a job so I understand the worries. Jill from www.calledtobeamom.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! We're going to need all the help me can get!

      Delete
  11. Hilarious! And your hubby is hilarious too!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Darcy! Loved meeting you at ERMA---I think you are one helluva funny lady, too! XO

      Delete
  12. Ostrich wrangler and camel inseminator? For real? Definitely a conversation starter at the brewery!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES!!! I think he'd be the life of any party with that job title!

      Delete
  13. Hi Marsha! Well of course I'm going to share this list with my husband. He's been unemployed for quite some time now...facing the same issues as your husband. Yuck. Right now he's painting one of the spare bedrooms. It needed it, so I guess that works.
    Day Care counselor? I think not. Spouting off about current events.. Where's that job???
    (My daughter went to the Univ. of Dayton, did I tell you that?)
    You know you are all in my prayers,
    Ceil

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Ceil! I'll be sending some prayers your way as well that your husband finds work. We just have to make the best of things for now, and that includes a sense of humor. XO

      Delete
  14. This made my day. However, I'm going to need photos of this "lizard village." My bearded dragons would love if I let them roam outside during the day.

    Good luck to your hubby on the job front... although here's hoping your Honey Do list gets more things ticked off first ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You bet! My house needs to be painted and he can do it for FREE!

      Delete
  15. Judging from the pictures I think we need to get that man back to work as he is going insane!

    ReplyDelete
  16. MY tupperware needs organizing if you want to send him my way. But then I probably won't pay as much as that Lemonade stand does so I guess I'm no help.
    ALTHOUGH I must admit that given what those lemonade stands rake in, he may want to consider being an entrepreneur. I'd visit a Spiked Lemonade stand. . . daily. He could even franchise. You'd be rich.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your idea is BRILLIANT! Spiked lemonade---heck, we should make spiked lemonade POPSICLES!!!!! Whoo-Hoo! I think I'm gonna be rich!

      Delete
  17. Marcia, somehow you always manage to make lemonade out of lemons (spiked, I Love that)!

    A book, how awesome!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Barbara! I couldn't survive without the humor---honestly! Otherwise I'd go insane!

      Delete
  18. A lizard village in the backyard. How cool is that?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I prefer it over an ant village, for sure…..

      Delete
  19. When I was unemployed some of the jobs that were listed were absolutely ridiculous. This made me giggle. THanks for laughs! :-D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was thinking you and I could be the jockstrap assemblers….beats being the camel inseminator!

      Delete
  20. I've always wanted to know more about Blimp piloting. Also? Once, I came across a job that had a "company vehicle," flexible hours and commissions. It was driving a van around (company vehicle) to sell FISH door to door. I'm guessing not lots of people buy fish from a van, but what do I know?
    I'm SO excited about your book. What's the best link to share for it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh GAWD selling fish door to door??? ACK! Imagine what YOU would smell like at the end of the day?? The best link for book updates would be the subscription one…..but I sure do love how she designed the author page, which will also have book updates in it. Okay let's just say www.marciakesterdoyle.com I'll be splashing it all over the place since it's out in July! Thanks, Kristi!!!

      Delete
  21. There are some really weird jobs around I wouldn't like to be looking for work

    ReplyDelete
  22. I was unemployed a couple of years ago. Who knew there are all those exciting career options available to me. If it happens again I will have to check them out!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It all depends on if you're willing to dress up as an emu…..

      Delete
  23. Good luck on the job search! What about blogging? ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've decided he can work as my manager whenever I get famous…..NOT. BAHAHAHA!!!

      Delete
  24. Ooooo, I think the hubs should do each job (Yes including the actress.) for a week. Think of all the material you'd have for your blog plus the stories he would have when he retires! Best of luck to him but I have a feeling something will turn up for him!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Wishing him luck with finding just the perfect position. Depending on the area you live in, I know finding the right job can be hard! I'm a little in the same boat, about to head back to work in a rural environment, having been a big city girl my whole life. I don't drink hardly ever, but I might need wine for this one. And lots of it. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL so true! Hope you find something soon, Rosey!

      Delete
  26. Oh my, these are hilarious! Good luck to him and to you while he's still home. :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. I think he should continue to be your blog model. He does such a great job!

    I'm incredibly intrigued by camel inseminator. I have so many questions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Google it….you might be surprised…LOL!!!!

      Delete
  28. ROFL....I should add...MAO!!!! lol! Nice job and I love the pics! My hubby is still in the same boat, now adding his healing/recovery time to the list of the unemployed!lol! I love how your hubs participate w/the wacky photos!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm lucky to be married to such a patient man, for sure!

      Delete
  29. Might I suggest as his new career...The 'Hormonal Husband' Blog? :)

    Since you're blogging about The Hubs and his potty habits and his wacky sense of humour et al, maybe he can blog about living with a Menopausal Mother, a pug with IBS and farting issues and a family that looks crazier than the Manson gang, except more fun and a lot less criminal :)

    We all look forward to his guerrilla pics of you putting on a bathing suit or making a weird face at the neighbourhood kid who's feeding leftover burritos to all the lizards in the village, which is going to make your yard a lot more...uh...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHAHA!!!! I love the way your wicked mind works, Nicole! I'll pass on this info to the Hubs!

      Delete
  30. omg Marcia, your husband cracks me up! I think he's found his calling in the Blog Model category.
    The expression on his face where he's looking at the beer on the counter is exactly how the pugs look at me when I chop veggies. You know the look! lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG YESSSS! His face DOES have that expectant PUG look! No that you have met Mac, you KNOW how weird he can be---pretty easy to get him to pose for these pictures!

      Delete
  31. I'm just reading your blog for the first time & I can see why you have so many readers - it's hilarious although I do hope your husband finds something he likes!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Me too! Thank you for stopping by!

    ReplyDelete

Shareaholic

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...