This Is Not About Having “You-Know-What”
by Gina Valley
This is not about having “You-Know-What.” It’s about not having “You-Know-What.”
And, how that seems to be more and more the case after the jewelry exchange takes place.
Why is it when you finally reach a stage in life where everyone, even God and your mother, finally thinks it’s OK for you to engage in “fellowship” with your beloved that that whole part of your relationship suddenly seems to become Mission Impossible?
Well, much as I wish I could give you some ideas on what will work well for successfully completing your fellowship transaction, I can’t.
But, I can tell you some things that don’t work. Please use this information to prepare yourself and to take evasive action.
Don’t ask me how I know, but I know that you will not be able to complete fellowship successfully in any of the following situations:
If the dog is outside, you will not be able to successfully have fellowship. He will undoubtedly hear some strange noise by the trash cans. He will dash over to the trashcan area, pound on the gate until it opens, and rush in. At this point he will determine which of the trash cans he believes to be the source of the offending sound and will attack it.
Somehow, in a way I have never been able to understand, the dog will manage to get his left front leg and his head stuck in the trashcan. This will cause the dog to panic. He will bark in panic, the loud noise then being reflected back at him from the bottom of the trashcan will panic him more, causing him to dash around the backyard on three legs running into patio furniture, plants, and the other dogs, all the while making a racket reminiscent of a pack of hyenas attacking an antelope.
If the dog is in the house, you will not be able to successfully have fellowship. Apparently, the noises of fellowship sound somewhat similar to the noises of distress, causing the ever-vigilant dog to hurl himself through the air in an effort to protect you from what he is clearly assuming to be an alien force.
He will chomp down on the most obvious, first available part of the “alien” in an effort to save the lady, who provides him with food and a clean blankey. The “alien” will need 6 stitches and a very soft chair for more than a week.
If your children are not at home you will not be able to successfully have fellowship. Your mother-in-law, who ironically wants you to have more children, will call to have you settle the argument between her and your father-in-law about which year they purchased their refrigerator.
She will call repeatedly, leaving ever more panicky messages. She knows you work from home, and, since you’re not answering the phone, she will assume you have fallen and are lying on the floor in your kitchen with a broken neck, because you would not buy the non-slip rugs she told you you should get at IKEA the last time you were there.
If your children are at home sleeping, you will not be able to successfully have fellowship. The second you are in the throes of fellowship you will suddenly become aware of a small silhouette standing in the doorway to your bedroom saying, “I don’t feel too good, and Ryan’s tummy hurts, too.” This will cause you to, in one fluid, ninja-like motion, both grab for your clothes and to race toward your ill child.
Upon reaching the little darling you will find yourself unable to stop, as your feet have suddenly begun to act independently from your body. You will realize, as you feel yourself entering into “must-avoid-landing-on-my-child-as-I-am-about-to-crash-onto-the-hardwood-floor” mood, that you have put both legs into one pant hole in your pajamas, and, to further complicate matters, your feet have found the puddle which evidences Ryan’s tummy is, in fact, very upset.
If you are visiting at your spouse’s nearly -deaf grandparents’ house you will not be able to successfully have fellowship. In the middle of the night, just when you have activated the launch sequence while on the slightly squeaky guest room sofa bed, you will hear his grandmother in the hall call out to his grandfather, (be sure to read this in a very heavy, old world accent for maximum understanding) “Oh dear. I think they are copulating now,” bringing the countdown to an immediate halt and canceling lift off for the foreseeable future.
If you are visiting at your mother’s house you will not be able to successfully have fellowship. You will realize that there is no lock on the guest room door. So, realizing that there is a lock on the bathroom door you will attempt to find an angle of action long enough for the both of you to interact without damaging limbs or kicking holes into tile.
You are, of course, bound to bump into the shower at some point. This will cause tiny, nearly imperceptible vibrations to travel up the sides of the shower and across the top of the shower doors. The tiny “shower quake” will cause a precariously balanced bottle of shampoo to tumble down, its fall being broken by your partner’s face, creating a hard to explain, yet impressive shiner.
If you think your backyard is a secluded hide away for fellowship while your kids are visiting your sister, you will not be able to successfully have fellowship. Backyard raccoons are a lot bigger, a lot bolder, and a lot more curious than you would ever think they are. And, if you throw a shoe at them, not only do they not scamper away to their treetop home, they catch it, throw it back at you, and begin to screech so loudly that the neighbors come out to see what the problem is.
If you attempt to christen your new van late at night in your dark, tree-lined driveway, you will not be able to successfully have fellowship. Your neighbor’s teenage daughter’s boyfriend will pull his car into your driveway behind your van to attempt to have a bit of fellowship with the aforementioned neighbor’s daughter.
When he sees you climb out of the van, it will startle him so much that he will accidentally slip his car into reverse, causing it to roll down your steep driveway. Naturally, he will attempt to stop the car by stomping on the brake, but, as he is a new driver, he will hit the accelerator instead, and careen across the street at the base of your driveway.
Don’t worry, though, the fire hydrant in front of your neighbor’s house will stop his car. And, the resulting fountain will insure that no one needs to water their yard for a month.
If you lock your bedroom door because your children are home and awake, you will not be able to successfully have fellowship. Your 4 year-old will have a sudden need to tell you about the enormous praying mantis he just found on the table in the breakfast room.
He will, of course, be unable to open your locked bedroom door. Then, you will hear a loud thump and the splitting of wood as the door frame breaks, and your door flies open. You will recall that this child started pushing the sofa out of his way as soon as he could walk, as your pint sized Hulk says,
“Mom, your door was stuck. I fixed it for you.”
Or, maybe he’s just defending his spot as the youngest in the birth order.
Laugh Out Loud!
Nothing is ever easy when you’re trying to “you know,” is it? Ever gotten creative? I’m looking forward to hearing all about it. Shoot me a comment before someone breaks your door down!
Gina Valley is a humorist, who lives in Los Angeles, California, with her husband & their 7 children, who provide her with more inspiration than she needs for her blog Gina Valley – The Glamorous Life Of The Modern Day Soccer Mom. She finds humor in parenting her pack, figuring out marriage, navigating life, and trying to show up anywhere on time. She loves to cook, if someone will put the ingredients in those little glass bowls, & spends much of her time carpooling and inventing new curse words (at the same time!). She’s not your typical soccer mom, loves ridiculously high heels, & is addicted to her smart phone. If she’s out of chocolate, run and hide!
Gina was a featured humor cast member in Listen to Your Mother – San Francisco 2013. She has served as a guest host for #DadChat, the largest Chat community on Twitter. Her work appears widely on the web including at Voiceboks, Dads’ Round Table, Inspiring Women Magazine, and The Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. Laugh along with Gina on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and ginavalley.com.