Thursday, July 10, 2014

As Seen On TV…...

     We've all seen those late night commercials that advertise products we can't live without. Gadgets that some lucky joker invented in the basement of his home with scissors, duct tape and a broken fan. My gut reaction to these commercials is always the same: WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!? I've gotten sucked into these ads more times than I care to admit, and I have a closet full of weird junk to prove it. Right now they're collecting dust in a pile labeled, "Garage Sale Crap" that I need to foist on some other bargain hunting sucker.

     I'm going to save you some time and money by sharing my experiences on these generic, off-brand items with you. And yes, you're welcome.


GINFOO KNIFE SET

     When you first get your knives, they're sharp enough to cut through a rock. But after using them to whittle logs into miniature chipmunks for your novelty store, they won't cut through a tomato. Or a mattress tag.


GREY ROOTS BE GONE

     Be careful how you use this product. Don't spray it directly on your head in a rush or else you'll end up looking like you've been dunked in tar or be mistaken for a startled ferret.

CLEAN NEW

     This is designed to wipe clean your car, not your backside. If you're using it in the bathroom, chances are you thought you ordered a similarly named product, "Clean Poo." ***Never order items from an 800 number when you've been drinking or if your eye glasses are missing.

CANKLE GENIE

     This genie may support your cankles fine, but if you rub it several times, don't expect it to grant you three wishes.

MAGNETIC WAISTBAND EXTENDERS

     These are great if you've gained a little weight, but be wary of walking through an airport scanner. You'll end up with a pat down that will either make your day or leave you feeling dirty.

SNUGGLE BUGGLE 

     Everybody deserves a comfortable, Snuggle Buggle blanket/robe, but a word of warning: if your Snuggle is brown, don't wear it out in public or else people will think you're a monk.

SAMPOW 

     This is more like a SamPad missing the Pow. Too small to do any good, unless you like cleaning with a rag the size of a moist towelette.

JAMMY JEANS

     You can go to church in them and shop in them, but these comfy pants still need a button fly in the front for easy access, especially if you're a guy. Think of the funny looks a man will get when he has his jammy jeans pooling at his ankles while peeing in a sports stadium urinal.

PIGGLY WIGGLY BOWL

     Everything tastes better wrapped in bacon, right? Obviously the inventor of Piggly Wiggly Bowl thought so, too. But he forgot two things: to include a free cholesterol test and a warning that excessive use will cause rapid weight gain. I'm thinking this product needs to be renamed, "Heart Attack in a Bowl."

BIG PEOPLE WEARABLE ANIMALS 

     If you've ever wanted to crawl inside a stuffed animal and become one with it, this is the product for you. The ad states that these outfits are comfortable enough for casual dress, but this also means you can't wear them to a wedding, funeral or a bat mitzvah. Chances are your boss will not appreciate it if you show up to work dressed as a giant wombat, either, unless Fridays have been designated as Casual Animal Dress Day.

SEED PET HEAD

     These seeds in a clay pot grow a 1970's afro faster than you can say the word "groovy." They require a weekly visit to a hairdresser, but thank God they don't need to be scheduled for a Brazilian wax.

MIRACLE GUT GIRDLE 

     Think you can gorge on chicken wings and pizza for weeks but hide the evidence of your weight gain with a Miracle Gut Girdle? Think again. If you throw the contraption into the dryer, it'll come out four sizes smaller and cut off your circulation when you wear it. My husband claims that the restrictive fabric compressed his stomach so much that his testicles swelled three times their normal size. The upside? He's thinking his globes will make great lawn ornaments next Christmas.


     These commercials all promise that their products are the best $19.99 you'll ever spend. But wait! If you order now, you too, can eat your cholesterol-induced Piggly Wiggly Bowl while dressed as a platypus. And you'll never have to worry about gray root growth again!



***This week you can catch more Meno Mama on Midlife Boulevard, where my very first article on menopause is featured! Here's the link: http://midlifeboulevard.com/symptoms-of-menopause 






   



62 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I know, right?? This commercials are hilarious and addicting!

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  2. THIS IS HILARIOUS

    And I am SUCH a sucker..I want ALLL the made for TV products. All of them. I want to make brownies that all have edges and the little towel for your head..and....and...I dunno. I have to go watch TV

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  3. Haha! "dressed as a wombat" Hellz no! I ordered the pug wearable animal! And the bacon bowl goes to the pugs. lol

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    1. Now I would DEFINITELY wear the Pug outfit! But does that mean I have to go around sniffing butts?

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  4. The sad thing is I own most of these stupid products! You are too funny! I love starting my day of this way! Thanks for a great laugh this morning!!!!

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    1. Thank you for stopping by, Rena. You just made MY day! :)

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  5. These products are so ridiculous, yet it can't help but wanting some of them. Some of the commercials make me laugh even harder than the product does. The woman who can't peel potatoes is probably my favorite.
    Hope that girdle didn't cause your husband any permanent damage. :)

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    1. I'm still thinking I want to order that green fry pan they keep advertising…..I need to just walk away from late night infomercials…..unless they come up with a product for Men's enlarged testicles….

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  6. Thank you for this very funny Public Service.

    My wife wanted to buy one of those things to trim your pets nails. She Gogled "Pet-a-file" and we were visited by a child service agency.

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    1. OMG I should have thought of that name…..or maybe not!!

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  7. You are one funny lady Marcia. Such a fun post!

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  8. I used to work for an informercial company. I can't tell you how many people would call up after the fact and swear they didn't make that call!

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    1. LOL! I can only imagine….well, I was probably one of those people……shhhhhh!

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  9. LOL at the last picture, that's classic! My husband's parents always joke about when he was younger because he always fell for these and bought them the latest and greatest TV thing for Christmas. :)

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    1. I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how many drawers of gadgets I have. Some work quite well, actually, but I forget about them once I put them away. I swear I must have five of those potato peeler thingys in my kitchen…..somewhere…..

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  10. Marcia, with due respect, you need to get out more!!

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    1. LOL what's wrong, Bryan? My little bubble of insanity too much for you? BAHAHAHA!!!

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  11. Your husband is just hilarious!!! I enjoyed looking at his expressions in the pics as much as the description of the products!!

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    1. He's a good sport to put up with my photo requests!

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  12. Clearly I am watching the wrong channels because I have never heard of any of these - I'm missing out! The pictures of your husband - too funny for words. Thanks so much for the laugh - I really needed it today!

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    1. If I got you to laugh today then my work here is done, LOL! Thanks, Lana!

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  13. Regardless, I still need to give those waistband expanders a try. I'll just stat out of airports.

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  14. Your husband is a gem! I've never bought anything on TV but my mother has.

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    1. Ha-ha! I'll admit, it gets addicting once you start….

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  15. At first I thought many of those commercials were supposed to be a joke, like the old Saturday Night Live skits that made you think you were watching a commercial and then you realize it's just a take off on the absurdity of some of them.
    In the years of reading your blog I've seen your husband do some pretty "different" things, but this one truly takes the cake (so to speak).

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    1. I'm still giggling over the girdle picture. I had to do some heavy duty convincing to coax him into it….

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  16. Some of these are so unknown to me! But they made me laugh.

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    1. They are quite real, I assure you…but the names have been changed, hahaha!

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  17. LOL!!! So so funny! I ordered one of those vacuums that drives itself around the room - total junk. And that photo of your husband at the end is freaking priceless. I scheduled it to Pin on my Funny Stuff I like Board! You are awesome.

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    1. Thanks, Kristi! So the iRobot is no good? I REALLY wanted that one!

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  18. HILARIOUS!! Hate to tell you, I have the "Jammy Jeans"....TWO PAIR and I LOVE THEM! I got mine at KMart, not on late night TV (I guess KMart and late night TV could be considered one and the same though lol)

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    1. I swear, I've always wanted a pair. You just convinced me to get some!

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  19. I read this in the morning as I was waking up and ended up damn near dying of laughter thanks to the photos of your husband. He is an awesome dude to be so willing to participate in such hilarious shenanigans.

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    1. Isn't he a good sport? Although I'll admit, when he saw himself in that last picture, his reaction was, "OH MY EFFING GAWD!!!!!"

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  20. Oh my gosh! The images of your husband are priceless. The girdle one is the best! Ha,ha,ha. So true about these products. My friend ordered the Shake Weight and brought it to one of our Bunco girl's night and we had so many laughs. You can imagine what things we did with that weight. :)

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  21. I loved these! And you win! You are married to the best man on the planet. Where can I purchase a pair of his testicles to use on my lawn?

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    1. I read this aloud to the Hubs and he is dying laughing!!!!

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  22. Entertaining, creative, and you are an amazing writer.

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    1. Thank you so much for the kind words, Daniel!

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  23. Hi Marcia! I always thought that Jammy Jeans were a great idea! Not that I'd ever be caught dead in them, but I like the idea :)
    Your husband is real trooper...those photos of him are a scream!
    Ceil

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    1. He is a VERY patient man who puts up with a LOT. And yes, I want a pair of those jammy jeans!

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  24. Thanks for the laugh, and I reckon it is the same here down under

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    1. Hahahaha!!! Too funny, Jo-Anne! My husband is a good sport!

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  25. Great Article. it's Really Amazing Also your Blog is Superb. I Learned Many thing from your Blog. Thank you So Much for Good Writhing. Keep up it.

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  26. Marcia... your husband is such a good sport posing for all these pictures.. it shows how much he loves you... I had a great laugh as usual girl :)

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    1. Thanks, Launna! Yeah, I agree---he MUST love me to slip into a girdle!

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  27. Look at the bright side. At least you've never bought a pet rock. Or a Ronco Slicer-Dicer. Or K-Tel's FIFTY AMAZING ABBA HITS AS SUNG BY DAVID CASSIDY AND BOBBY SHERMAN!!! Or that thing that adds studs to your jeans (no, not the kind that'll make your husband divorce you :)

    You, my friend, are a slave to Ron Popiel. :)

    http://www.biography.com/people/ron-popeil-177863

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    1. You are too funny! Hey, I swear I think I DID own a pet rock at one time or another. I guess it died because I can't find it anywhere around here.

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  28. LMAO Marcia!! Have to admit I’ve bought or been tempted to buy “As Seen On TV” products too. Well, some of them seemed like such good ideas at the moment LOL! The pics of your husband are hysterical, what a good sport he is! :)

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    1. He sure is! Oh yes, I am very guilty of buying stupid stuff from the 800 numbers. One night I ordered 500 songs from the 1960s-1970s for a fortune. Needless to say, a LOT of wine was involved in that decision….

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  29. Did I miss the window of "the next 10 minutes" in which if I call I get a free Cooking with CheezeWhiz Cookbook??
    So you really think those metal waistband extenders will get me a good grope at the airport?! Calling now....

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    1. HAHAHA!!!! I totally forgot how those ads always say, "IF YOU CALL IN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES, WE'LL GIVE YOU…." Yeah, that's just what I need---TWO metal waistband extenders!!

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  30. Replies
    1. OMG I remember those ads!!! Hilarious!

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  31. Spot on hilarious reviews! If only bacon were healthy...

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  32. Funny (as usual) – I just love how your husband is so supportive of your writing!

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