We've all seen those late night commercials that advertise products we can't live without. Gadgets that some lucky joker invented in the basement of his home with scissors, duct tape and a broken fan. My gut reaction to these commercials is always the same: WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!? I've gotten sucked into these ads more times than I care to admit, and I have a closet full of weird junk to prove it. Right now they're collecting dust in a pile labeled, "Garage Sale Crap" that I need to foist on some other bargain hunting sucker.
I'm going to save you some time and money by sharing my experiences on these generic, off-brand items with you. And yes, you're welcome.
GINFOO KNIFE SET
When you first get your knives, they're sharp enough to cut through a rock. But after using them to whittle logs into miniature chipmunks for your novelty store, they won't cut through a tomato. Or a mattress tag.
GREY ROOTS BE GONE
Be careful how you use this product. Don't spray it directly on your head in a rush or else you'll end up looking like you've been dunked in tar or be mistaken for a startled ferret.
This is designed to wipe clean your car, not your backside. If you're using it in the bathroom, chances are you thought you ordered a similarly named product, "Clean Poo." ***Never order items from an 800 number when you've been drinking or if your eye glasses are missing.
This genie may support your cankles fine, but if you rub it several times, don't expect it to grant you three wishes.
MAGNETIC WAISTBAND EXTENDERS
These are great if you've gained a little weight, but be wary of walking through an airport scanner. You'll end up with a pat down that will either make your day or leave you feeling dirty.
Everybody deserves a comfortable, Snuggle Buggle blanket/robe, but a word of warning: if your Snuggle is brown, don't wear it out in public or else people will think you're a monk.
This is more like a SamPad missing the Pow. Too small to do any good, unless you like cleaning with a rag the size of a moist towelette.
You can go to church in them and shop in them, but these comfy pants still need a button fly in the front for easy access, especially if you're a guy. Think of the funny looks a man will get when he has his jammy jeans pooling at his ankles while peeing in a sports stadium urinal.
PIGGLY WIGGLY BOWL
Everything tastes better wrapped in bacon, right? Obviously the inventor of Piggly Wiggly Bowl thought so, too. But he forgot two things: to include a free cholesterol test and a warning that excessive use will cause rapid weight gain. I'm thinking this product needs to be renamed, "Heart Attack in a Bowl."
BIG PEOPLE WEARABLE ANIMALS
If you've ever wanted to crawl inside a stuffed animal and become one with it, this is the product for you. The ad states that these outfits are comfortable enough for casual dress, but this also means you can't wear them to a wedding, funeral or a bat mitzvah. Chances are your boss will not appreciate it if you show up to work dressed as a giant wombat, either, unless Fridays have been designated as Casual Animal Dress Day.
SEED PET HEAD
These seeds in a clay pot grow a 1970's afro faster than you can say the word "groovy." They require a weekly visit to a hairdresser, but thank God they don't need to be scheduled for a Brazilian wax.
MIRACLE GUT GIRDLE
Think you can gorge on chicken wings and pizza for weeks but hide the evidence of your weight gain with a Miracle Gut Girdle? Think again. If you throw the contraption into the dryer, it'll come out four sizes smaller and cut off your circulation when you wear it. My husband claims that the restrictive fabric compressed his stomach so much that his testicles swelled three times their normal size. The upside? He's thinking his globes will make great lawn ornaments next Christmas.
These commercials all promise that their products are the best $19.99 you'll ever spend. But wait! If you order now, you too, can eat your cholesterol-induced Piggly Wiggly Bowl while dressed as a platypus. And you'll never have to worry about gray root growth again!
***This week you can catch more Meno Mama on Midlife Boulevard, where my very first article on menopause is featured! Here's the link: http://midlifeboulevard.com/symptoms-of-menopause