I've been grinning for days in anticipation of introducing you to my special WWW guest. Please welcome Aussa Lorens of Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy! I've seen her name floating around the inter webs and is it any wonder? She is a BlogHer Voice of The Year 2014 recipient as well as a 2014 Badass Blog Award winner. I love Aussa's off-the-wall brand of humor ----it speaks to me. She could be my way, WAY younger sista from another mista. Hey, the lady works at a psychiatric hospital, so you KNOW she has some great experiences to share!Please welcome Aussa to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love. If you get a chance to visit her blog (which I highly recommend that you do!), you'll see that she gets more comment love on her posts than almost any blogger I know. This lady ROCKS!
THIS IS WHY WE DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE
Last summer, just before my niece's 7th birthday, I stopped at Target to grab a gift bag and some tissue paper. I was feeling particularly impressive because I am-- of course-- the Favorite Aunt. My four older brothers have given me a growing swarm of ten nieces and nephews, all of whom adore me and publicly declare "I don't have a favorite!" before sneaking over to whisper in my ear "actually… you're my favorite… but I'm not supposed to say that."
I defend my title of Favorite Aunt by purchasing their love with extravagant and unreasonable gifts. This unwavering favoritism is initially instilled in them with old school conditioning while they are small and defenseless. I simply hold that which they desire (a binky, a piece of candy, a treasured blanket) just out of their reach and ask "Who's your favorite Aunt?" until they say "Aussa!" Then I give them what they want. Works like a charm.
So there I was, spending ten million dollars at Target on sparkly wrapping apparatuses and feeling bouncy and blissful in the checkout line. It was a beautiful afternoon so I was wearing a dress and rocking a brand new pair of wedges-- I'm generally not a shoe person but for some reason these had reached out and spoken to me. I thought they were saying "I am adorable and represent your self-worth, purchase me" when in reality they were saying "I will cause you unparalleled levels of embarrassment."
Just as I was swiping my debit card, a woman entered the store with three young children. Two of the kids were having a meltdown over who got the honor of riding in the front of the shopping cart. I watched in amazement as the Mother pulled three huge red shopping carts from the stall, and placed one crying child in each. I couldn't believe it-- I can barely make it through a store without harming anyone when I have one shopping cart, but this woman was going to push THREE at the same time.
I couldn't reach for my phone fast enough-- I simply had to snap a photo of this defeated mother and her three little devils.
Phone in hand, I took two fateful steps out of the express lane-- just enough to enter the middle of a wide open space-- and then... I went flying.
My fall was so dramatic that the earth shifted on it's axis and the Eastern seaboard lost 3 seconds from their day. I watched as a cup of iced coffee flew from my hand in slow motion, it's frothy liquid spilling through the air like a scene in zero gravity. My sunglasses skidded across the floor and my hands reached out with fingers spread just as I made contact with the tile.
All of time and space paused for a moment as the sound of my fall echoed through the store. I lay flat on my face, in a dress, with shopping bags crunched beneath.
In what can only be described as an out of body experience, my soul lifted from within me and hovered about the room, sweeping in a panoramic to take in the shocked and joyously amused faces of my audience. The Deli Counter gave a standing ovation, the Coldstone Creamery girl stopped mid scoop, and every person waiting to be checked out stood frozen in slack jawed wonder.
And then the first responders were on the scene.
"OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY?"
"MA'AM, CAN I HELP YOU?"
"YOU FELL SO HARD, SO HARD!!!"
I flew to my feet, no doubt flashing my arse to the world, pausing briefly to scoop ice back into my dented Starbucks cup.
I looked back towards the entrance but three-carted woman had vanished-- probably because she had the decency not to stand there laughing or taking my photo. People continued to rush towards me with concern for what surely must have been a lethal level of humiliation.
"I'm fine... just look for that on youtube tonight," I reassured them with a little wave.
I smoothed my hair, adjusted my wayward dress, and limped out the building with my head held high. I collapsed into my car and proceeded to laugh myself to tears as I pictured-- over and over-- what it must have looked like to see a 5'11 woman in 3 inch wedges splayed across a white floor in a bright blue dress.
I should have kept my judgments to myself and offered up a Hail Mary or an ounce of empathy for a brave mother who dared to grocery shop with three kids under the age of 5. If I hadn't been so keen on documenting her struggle, I could have avoided the skinned knees and utter devastation to my pride. Instead, I caused an entire grocery store of strangers to PEE THEMSELVES, and that is why we don't judge people.
Have you ever fallen-- or otherwise humiliated yourself-- in public? Do you possess a likeminded cruelty that causes you to laugh when other people fall? Has karma ever swiftly punished you for judging someone?
BIO:
Aussa Lorens, otherwise known as Hacker.Ninja.Hooker.Spy. does not make good choices, but she does have good stories. From dropping out of college to travel the world, to dating men twice her age and working at a psychiatric hospital, Aussa is a firm believer that some mistakes are too good not to share.
Aussa is the winner of the BlogHer 2014 Voice of the Year People's Choice Award for Humor and also the Biggest Girl Crush Blog in the 2014 Indie Chick's Badass Blog Awards.
Aussa Lorens
HACKER. NINJA. HOOKER. SPY.
Twitter: @AussaLorens
Facebook: facebook.com/aussalorens
Google+: google.com/+AussaLorens
Why does that woman sound like me in just a few months?
ReplyDeleteAlso...this is why I don't do wedges. They deceive you into thinking you can walk better in them than heels. It's a lie. A horrible, horrible lie.
Laura, I honestly don't even understand how any adult human can navigate any part of the world with that many children in tow. I don't know how my Mom did it with 5. I saw a woman at the grocery store last Christmas who had two carts full of stuff with one kid in each basket and an additional kid in one of the main parts of the basket. My mind was blown. I offered to help her push them out to the car (like some sort of psycho kidnapper) but she looked at me like I was, in fact, some sort of psycho kidnapper. I imagine she is still out there somewhere, trying to cross the parking lot...
DeleteHAHAHHA.
ReplyDeleteI've lost count at the number of times I have publicly humiliated myself. I don't take a lot of pictures of strangers though..I HAVE...just not often. I'm too afraid I'll get caught and then they will beat me up.
Oh my gosh, I wish I could remember who it was that blogged about this because now I'm just going to regurgitate it, but they went through a drive thru and apparently the person warranted a sneaky photo but they had forgotten to turn the flash off-- horrifying. For the most part, I try to apply the golden rule to these scenarios from now on because I really REALLY don't want to become a meme.
DeleteOkay..you WOULD make a really good meme, though.
DeleteI once offered money to a homeless guy who wasn't homeless - just on a break from the Tim Hortons. I never shopped in that plaza again.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha! Oh my gosh, that's deliciously awkward.
DeleteI've not fallen in public, but I've wished it on others . . .
ReplyDeleteMaybe I should go back and read the 'do not judge' part again . . .
You've wished it on others! Oh my... I think the only people I truly wish will fall are super models on catwalks and pageant contestants. Except not really because my heart always breaks a little and I feel terrible. As I rewind to watch it over, and over, and over.
DeleteI've been lucky enough for the most part to not fall in public (there was that one time when I was 20 though...um, ouch) but I have been known to run into things. Yup. I'm clumsy. I get it from my mom. Thanks, mom!
ReplyDeleteI run into things all the time! So much more than I fall, thank goodness. I think. Not sure why I'm being thankful about running into things.
DeleteI remember you telling this story, Aussa, but it's still good the second time around. I wish I could have performed so well whenever I have stumbled. Someday, I'll have to show you the photo of when I fell down on a bathtub spigot. Picked a fight with me, it did, but it won.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds horribly, horribly painful... like a dark black bruise sort of pain.
DeleteIt's been a little while since I've had that breath-stealing sort of injury, I'm probably overdue.
I'd have liked to see a picture of that woman pushing three shopping carts.
ReplyDeleteI tried! I REALLY TRIED!
DeleteOh my gosh... this was utterly hilarious... I felt so helpless right along with you... I could see you in my mind going up in the air and then landing... First I am glad you were not physically hurt, second I couldn't stop laughing as I would have if I had fallen myself... from embarrassment...lol
ReplyDeleteI don't have anything that dramatic but I did tuck my skit into my panty hose in a bar and walked around like that for all to see ... probably 300 people before some kind woman alerted me to the fact... lol.. It's a funny story now..
Oh, I have one more, I was running for the bus once in a dress and on a very busy street, I looked down and my slip had dropped to my ankles... lmao... I just scooped it up and threw it in my purse. Everyone had a great laugh at work... so yes, I am great at humiliating myself too...
I can still see myself flying through the air as well... it was like an out of body experience. I would give almost anything to have a copy of the security footage.
DeleteAnd OH MY GOSH the pantyhose thing, that is every woman's nightmare! I can't believe it took a while for anyone to point it out to you! Don't people have souls anymore?
And your slip-- that's hilarious. I think I would have panicked in the moment and just stepped out of it and kept going like I had no idea what I'd just tripped over.
I am the favourite aunt, well to some of my nieces I am the favourite to others not so much but hell they don't know me very well if they did I would be their favourite as well...................or maybe I am delusional...............lol
ReplyDeleteThat said thank you for making me laugh which had Tim look at me like there was something wrong with me
I'm glad I made you laugh Jo-Anne! I love it when you bust up over something that no one else is aware of... it definitely earns some interesting looks.
DeleteThis type of stuff happens to my best friend ALL THE TIME. Usually I'm not there to see it, but she's nice enough to share the stories with me so I can laugh. :) I'm sorry this happened to you, but thanks for sharing so the rest of us could start our morning with a little chuckle. :)
ReplyDeleteAh, sounds like your best friend and I would get along great! And/or sustain numerous bodily injuries.
DeleteI judged a young, tattooed, pink/purple haired woman once, who was chasing a pajama'd child out of the (automatic) front door of a store (that led to a busy parking lot). The child was maybe 2 yrs. old, if that.... Turned out that woman frantically chasing the baby had saved the child from going outside, in the dark, in a busy parking lot...and it wasn't her child. She came back in, baby in arms, asking whose child it was... I was flabbergasted with myself for thinking the worst, amazed that neither I, nor anyone else around me for the last ten minutes or so checking out groceries had wondered where that baby's parents were, and mostly I was grateful/thankful that woman was there to "see" and be smart enough to chase that baby. No parent turned up in the remaining time I was there.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh. That story kind of gave me chills :-/ How absolutely horrible. And isn't it true how we're so quick to judge like that? Agh. Have you ever blogged about this? Sounds like a story that needs to be shared.
DeleteYou kidding! I think we are all derived from the Klutzy Clan! Not ony have I fallen , but fallen up the stairs in front of people. I have also walked through screen doors, and also walked into and smashed a glass sliding door!
ReplyDeleteYet, I laugh like a crazy person when I see other people do these things to themselves!
Phil I was at lunch just yesterday and saw a guy trip over a bar stool. I laughed my ass off (on the inside) and then (hopefully very quietly) recounted the entire thing to The Boyfran. I was so amused.
DeleteThis was like 20 minutes before I launched salad into my face and across the restaurant. Little bits of lettuce were falling out of my dress when I stood up.
There are photos on facebook, of course.