Friday, July 18, 2014

Why I Hate Horror Movies


 

I've never understood why people love horror movies. I don't enjoy getting the hell scared out of me or pooping my pants in fright. My kids thrive on “jump scare” movies. If my heart needs a jump start, it's going to come from a medical professional slapping some paddles on my chest and yelling, “CLEAR!”

The Exorcist hit the box office when I was in middle school. All the cool kids crammed into the theaters on opening weekend, but my mother refused to let me see the movie. Which probably had more to do with Linda Blair stuffing a crucifix up her nether regions than her actual demonic possession.

Fast forward ten years when the Poltergeist came out. I didn't WANT to see this movie, but it was the talk of the town and I'd be damned if I was going to miss out on all the fun. BIG MISTAKE. My bladder muscles have never been the same since I saw that movie and no amount of Kegel exercises are going to get it back into shape.

Poltergeist convinced me that my home was built over an ancient Indian burial ground and that I'd be sucked into my television set by their demonic spirits. Because of that movie, I haven't slept without a night light since 1982.

For years I lived blissfully ignorant of popular horror movies until my teenagers convinced me to watch The Ring. Yeah, let's scare the shit out of Mom and shave a few years off her life. If they wanted early access to their inheritance, they could have done it in a more humane way rather than tell me this movie was “not at all scary.” Being the na├»ve parent that I was, I fell for their sadistic plot to give me early gray hairs and watched The Ring.

Suffice it to say, I spent the following two hours curled up in the fetal position, chewing my cuticles until my fingers looked like they had been through a cheese grater. I spent WEEKS sitting up late at night, just waiting for a creepy girl with stringy, black hair to come crawling out of my television set. That movie was my early introduction to Mr. Insomnia, and we've been carrying on a cozy affair ever since.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a total wuss. I can watch The Walking Dead and American Horror Story---as long as every light in the house is on and all the doors are locked. And it doesn't hurt to barter sex with The Hubs for extra assurance that there are no zombies roaming the backyard in search of brains or creepy dudes in black, latex suits hiding in my closet.

     
Paranormal Activity, Saw and Carrie? No, no, and HELL no. Unless the theater provides free jello shots and has a Depends Undergarments dispenser, don't expect to see me in line for the next Halloween horror hit.  






***You can catch more Meno Mama this week over at Humor Outcasts where I'm revealing the changes in my life after I discovered the world of blogging. Read it here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/its-the-blogging-life-for-me/

53 comments:

  1. I hate them too. Will not watch them. At all. I've just NOW gotten into some sci fi that has modern horror but not slasher type. But still.

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    1. I LOVE the old Sci Fi movies and am a HUGE fan of Twilight Zone!

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  2. Marcia, first of all, I can't WAIT to get my hands on your book. I'm so proud of you! Second, I'm with you on the horror flicks. I only watch them if someone has already seen them. Then, they can tell me where the scary parts are...
    The burial ground? I STILL think about that every time we talk about putting in a pool. Stay away from the light, Carol Anne!
    Miss you, beautiful lady <3

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    1. I'm still scared my TV will come on in the middle of the night with a staticky screen and a creepy, dead girl will crawl out of it, LOL! I miss you too, Michele, so much! This book has sucked up every minute of my life for the past 6 months. Can't wait until it's done so I can relax a bit. Still wish there was a way I could get to see you! <3

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  3. Me too Marsha! I hate ALL horror movies.

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    1. I have to leave the room whenever my kids rent them, and I close my eyes whenever they show commercials for horror movies. The minute I hear creepy music, I cover my face!

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  4. I love a food horror movie! I just can't handle the blood and gore ones. My stomach isn't as strong as it used to be.

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    1. I love The Walking Dead, but even then, I have to close my eyes on some of the gory parts, LOL!

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  5. Weird, this seems to be a deal where people hate them - like you and carol or love them, like my wife and I. I don't care for the Saw/Hostel "torture porn" type ones because they're just hard to watch. But I like good ones -Silence of The Lambs, The Shining, Psycho, etc. I think horror can tell stories that are really interesting.

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    1. Silence of The Lambs was a GREAT movie but I'm not gonna lie---Hannibal Lector haunted my dreams (nightmares) for quite some time.

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  6. Haha, I won't even watch Game of Thrones--too much graphic murder and mayhem for my taste. I'm with you on the horror, Marcia!

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    1. I remember feeling embarrassed in high school because everyone wanted to go to the drive-in to see the latest horror movie and I was all, "Can't we just go watch a romantic comedy?"

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  7. Nope, no horror movies for me either. They "haunt" me for weeks after...

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  8. I love, love, love horror movies! But the only one I can't finish is the original Halloween. I've tried numerous times and still cannot finish it! Everyone makes fun of me and I tell them, "That mask doesn't scare you!"

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    1. HA! We actually had one of those masks years ago and my husband tried skulking around outside and banging on windows to scare the kids. I just can't watch that stuff….

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  9. My boys have loved horror movies forever. They used to torture me with them. It seems they'd want to spend time with their mom if she'd come into the living room and watch one of their favorite movies with them. It was usually those Saw ones and I'd always end up leaving, just couldn't take it.

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  10. I am right there with you my friend. My ex-husband LOVES horror flicks. I can't get into them for the same reasons you've mentioned. Not in the mood to have the shit scared out of me and I don't need nightmares thank ya much. Course, this is not the reason he is the ex-husband but damn, it might as well be one of them. LOL

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    1. I never understood why people would want a good scare, either. Life itself can be very scary---I don't need horror movies to add to my long list of phobias.

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    2. I already freak out if I suspect I hear a weird noise in the apartment or am convinced I see shadows. It's usually just one of the cats but I have my suspicions at times. Hell, I've been to places that are allegedly haunted and I got creepy vibes from them. Let's just say I hauled ass outta those places.

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    3. I went on a ghost tour of a house last year in Tallahassee----shit got real. We did a recording while there---unbelievable what it picked up. CREEPY!

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  11. Right there with you: no, no, and hell no! I just don't have time to give to curled up in bed for 3 days after watching one.

    Great post, thank you for running it again!

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    1. Hahahahaha! Same here---I value my sleep too much to be kept up all night obsessing about the scary scenes of a movie!

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  12. I am with you I have never liked them at all

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    1. I'll take a romantic comedy any day over a horror movie!

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  13. I'm not overly keen on the slasher-type movies, but I do retain a penchant for those old classics: The Exorcist (the book is even more scary than the film); Poltergeist; Carrie and the early Nightmare on Elm Street.

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    1. Even though those classics would be considered corny nowadays, I STILL can't watch them!!!

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  14. Me neither. I saw one many, many years ago that my bff (still my bff) convinced me to watch, in the dark, in the living room w/her family. That was enough for me. I think I was about 14 yrs. old. I'm 44 now and I still wont' watch a scary/horror movie.

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    1. I think I saw my first horror movie at a drive-in while I was in high school. It was a slasher movie that involved clowns, and I've hated clowns ever since!

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  15. But Most of Kids Like This Horror Movies ! My Little Kids Love Horror Movie Very Much.

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  16. I left you a very long comment and your blog ate it.

    Summary: I don't know if it was you or your publisher who sent me a dead raccoon in a box but KUDOS FOR KNOWING YOUR AUDIENCE. I'm not doing blurbs now bc I'm behind on my own book but you can use "Speechless. I'm utterly speechless." ~ Jenny Lawson, because that's what I said when I found the raccoon corpse. Thank you!

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    1. OMG I'm so sorry I didn't see this until now, Jenny! My apologies! I WILL use this and I am so glad you liked Mabel! My publisher and I KNEW she would fit in happily with your other critters. Thanks! XO

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  17. I always suspected you were smart, but the notion of handing out jello shots at scary movies is brilliant.

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    1. I know, right? Guess I need to smuggle my own into the theatre!

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  18. Look at the bright side...you picked a legitametly scary movie, probably the first that had been made in like 25 years...to be scared by :)

    I thought it was a pretty creepy movie too, and I actually lived through the Slasher Era of the 1970s and 80s...The Ring was actually a well-told story with a mega-creepy video.

    You're right to stay away from the usual "horror" films...if you want to call them that. Torture porn? So not into that. :)

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    1. Ack! It ALL scares the crap out of me!

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  19. I am not into horror films anymore... I used to watch them all when I was younger and now as I am older, I wonder why I would watch things that scared me... oh well. I won't be lining up for any of these new scary shows either :)

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    1. NEVER again. Unless I'm passed out from too many libations and I get to sleep through the whole thing.

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  20. Hi Marcia! I am TOTALLY with you on this one. My husband keeps telling me "It's not real! It's a movie!" which I am completely aware of...I just don't like to spend my time getting scared and having nightmares. Or spend money to do it! I remember watching the "Birds" and "On the Waterfront" when I was a young teenager. Although they would probably get a lot of laughs for its low-tech effects, they cured me for good.
    Glad to find another horror-avoider!
    Ceil

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    1. OMG I remember the first time I saw Hitchcock's Birds! The scene with the man's eyes poked out haunted me for DAYS after when I was a little kid!

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  21. OMGOSH,
    how do you get your hubs to take those photos? Is it him? Hilarious.
    I do watch horror movies, but thru my hands because I'm covering my eyes thru half of the movie,
    asking, "What 's happening now? Did he kill her? What's going on?"
    Nobody will watch them w/ me now.
    Love! Great blog post. xx

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    1. LOL I do the same thing----it annoys the hell out of my family and they yell, "JUST WATCH THE DAMN MOVIE!!!!"

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  22. Good luck with all that editing! I never saw The Exorcist and never wanted to. I like very few horror movies, the only kind I like are the horror mystery type, but No slashing, no flying crucifixes! Poltergeist was nightmare scary! Actually, I rarely watch any horror movies anymore. That pic of your hubby trying to be scary is hilarious!

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    1. He IS scary when he wakes up in the morning looking like that, hahaha!

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  24. The new horror movies don't hold a candle to the old sci-fi and scaey movies we watched. Twilight Zone and Outer Limits rocked. The original Night of the Living Dead and all the Universal and Hammer monster movies were great.

    Jello Shots at the movies does sound like a great idea!

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    1. Outer Limits!!! YESSSSS!!! I think I need to go into the movie-jello-shot business….

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  25. Marcia, you poor thing. Depends might not be a bad idea in the ladies vending at the theaters. It'll help cut back the costs of cleaning the pee off of everything. Glad to hear your editing sessions are done for now and you can catch a little break!

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    1. Thanks! We're almost done---thank gawd because my head is spinning from reading the manuscript over and over again. And I'm still waiting for that Depends dispenser to be installed….

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  26. Girl, if your family was any crazier you'd get your own TV show :)

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    1. MTV said my contract is in the mail….

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