Friday, August 2, 2019

A Day In The Life Of A Women's Rest Stop Bathroom Stall On Interstate 95

     I dread using public restrooms on the interstate during a long road trip, but sometimes it can't be helped, especially if I'm traveling with a large iced coffee from Dunkin's. Whenever my husband and I make a pit stop I try to get in and out as quickly as possible because I never know exactly what I'll find behind the stall doors.

     The other day when I was on my way back from a mini-vacation in Palm Beach, I needed to make a potty stop. The restroom was actually quite clean, but it got me thinking....what sort of things does a bathroom stall witness in the course of a day? (Yeah, I know, I think about strange things sometimes while I'm using the bathroom.) I imagine the women's restrooms on the interstate have seen it ALL. What would their daily itinerary look like? If only the stalls could talk....


6:00 a.m. Janitor check-in time: Ahhhhhhh smell that? Bleach! Finally, I've been cleared of the olfactory sorrow left from that busload of teenagers heading back home after a day at Walt Disney World. Let's see if today's travelers do a better job at keeping me from smelling like a fisherman's wharf.

7:32 a.m. Prepare for women who don't read the disposal sign for feminine products: Seriously, lady? Clearly, you didn't read the sign above the metal receptacle where there's already a collection of mummified tampons waiting to be tossed. What are you trying to do, choke me?


9:01 a.m. Poop alert: Uh-oh, she has her headphones on. That means she brought her poop playlist. She's gonna be here for a while.

10:45 a.m. Send out the first daily reminder.:Wash your hands. WASH YOUR HANDS!

11:13 a.m. Tinkle alert: Don't blame me if the seat is wet. That last tinkler hovered above me and sprayed like a cat. You might want to wash your backside with some hand sanitizer when you're done.

12:00 p.m. Lunch break: I don't know what you're smoking but I'd love a hit.

1:01 p.m. 15-minute group therapy: Well, Carol, I don't know who Brad was texting while you were scanning the road for the Fort Pierce exit, but I'm pretty sure Kandy with a "K" is NOT his cousin. Cry and talk a little louder on your cell so the rest of the women waiting in line to use this stall know what you did last night at the Motel 6.

1:15 p.m. Play Potty roulette: What's behind stall door number one, two or three? Take your pick---we're all filthy!

2:04 p.m. Clean up in stall #2: Holy crap, WHAT IS THAT SMELL?? Call the plumber---we have a floater!


3:00 p.m. Naptime: I really look forward to this quiet time in the stall, just before rush hour hits. Shout out to all the ladies with Paruresis. This hour belongs to you, my bladder-shy friends!

5:36 p.m. Send out a second daily reminder: Flush the toilet. FLUSH THE TOILET!

6:10 p.m. Art class: That's a lovely drawing of the male anatomy but my walls are not designed to be your personal canvas. Also, I don't think Kevin would appreciate your SMALL drawing.

7:22 p.m. Pray to the patron saint of air fresheners: The senior citizens' bus just rolled in from the bingo tournament in Vero Beach. Brace yourselves; flatulence is coming.

10:38 p.m. Toilet paper refill time: Honey, you're gonna need a LOT more paper for that.

1:00 a.m. Puke alert: That's okay, I got you, girl. I'm guessing too many Jager Bombs? Here's some advice: Pop two aspirin, chug a bottle of Gatorade and eat a bag of greasy potato chips. You'll feel good as gold in the morning, and no one will ever know you spent your Friday night praying to the porcelain god.

2:44 a.m. Border run: Seriously, you had to have Taco Bell's Steak Rattlesnake Fries?

2:45 a.m. Flush?


2:46 a.m. Flush again: Hello??

2:47 a.m. FLUSH! WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL ARE YOU?

4:30 a.m. Contemplate life's greatest mystery: Why does corn look the same coming out as it does going in?

6:00 a.m. Janitor clock-in: I'm so happy to see you! I've had a crappy 24 hours, dude. Whoa, another busload of teenagers? They're the miscreants of bathroom etiquette! Let's just slap a "BIOHAZARDOUS MATERIALS INSIDE" sign on my stall door and call it a day...















     

    

    

     







19 comments:

  1. Ah,yes. All the wonders of bathroom visits- but the saving grace- nary the smells!

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    1. I'm thinking I should carry nose plugs on the next road trip.

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  2. Oh my goodness... that is a rough day! Many thanks to those who clean bathroom stalls. It isn't a glamorous job, but it sure is needed! A friend of mine is part of this... https://sprinkletinkle.com/ Seems like a good idea to me:)

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    1. Absolutely! And I admire those brave souls willing to go in and clean public restrooms.

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  3. haha! Of course you think of these things. You're a comedy writer and this was GOOD. :D Poop playlist? Bathroom etiquette miscreants? And potty roulette, HA! These are hilarious.
    I still am convinced gas station bathrooms are even worse. Thanks for the smiles and giggles today, Marcia. Have a great weekend.

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    Replies
    1. So glad I made you laugh today!! I did have a lot of fun writing this one.

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  4. Very funny and gross, but what do you expect when a toilet is talking? Kind of glad they can't, lol.

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  5. Thanks for the laugh today. Kind of glad that toilets can't talk. Oh the stories they all could tell -- not unlike yours. Yuck!

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    1. They have certainly seen the things that our nightmares are made of.

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  6. Sometimes I really worry about how your mind works, but then you get me laughing . . .

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    1. My mind can be a scary place indeed---but I'm happy to bring you some laughter <3

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  7. All the people who clean public restrooms, especially in rest areas, deserve special medals. But nothing would ever outdo the ladies room at the Coney Island Aquarium. A visit to same in 1993 scarred me for life. Nor do I ever wear sandals while traveling. Hubbie doesn't get it.

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  8. I always wondered, 'If bathrooms can talk.'

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  9. Life’s Greatest Mystery almost caused some vodka and lemonade to come out my nose ~ but I NEVER waste a good cocktail.
    Thanks for the laugh.

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    1. Ha-Ha! Definitely don't want to waste good vodka!

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  10. Oh no! I have done the same thing. The secret's out. I thought I was the only weird one who thought about these things. Thanks for the laugh!

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