Menopausal Mother

     Coming from a long line of sugaraholics, I have always relied on baking as a means to unwind after a long day. This past year I found another outlet---blogging---and it is just as good a stress reliever as a batch of double fudge, chocolate chip cookies (without all the calories).
     I spend too much a lot of time on the computer searching for new blogs, and was fortunate enough to stumble upon one with similar ideas ("When the going gets tough, the tough get baking & blogging"), and I knew I had found a kindred spirit. I'm talking about Karen, who blogs at http://www.bakinginatornado.com. She writes an awesome, witty blog that includes yummy recipes at the end of each post. WARNING: don't go there hungry or else be prepared to salivate! Karen graciously offered me a guest blogging spot (post date 11/29/12) at her site and I was honored and excited to accept her invitation.
     If you are one of my regular readers, please share the love and hop over to her site to read our collaboration. Karen is the real deal, folks. She's as sweet as the treats she bakes!
     If you arrived from Karen's site to check out my blog for the first time, you're probably wondering who Menopausal Mama is and how the heck I scored such an awesome gig on Karen's blog. I can't answer that but I CAN tell you a little bit about myself:  I'm married to Robin Williams' long lost twin-separated-at-birth; I have 4 mini versions of my comedian husband and unabashedly write about their private lives and mishaps on my blog. I'm mostly menopausal-bitchy-tired-hot flashy, but on a good day have been known to mellow out over a bottle of wine in my backyard garden with friends. I have 6 chinchillas, a rabbit and a few dogs, and firmly believe that I am somehow related to Snow White because birds and squirrels eat right out of the palm of my hand. Seriously. (At least THEY don't care if I'm menopausal). I own way too much nail polish (hoarder), I make amazing (i.e. strong) margaritas, I have two-tone hair (yin & yang), love obnoxious earrings (way too many of those, too), chew my cuticles and avoid left turns at major intersections.  I sell Avon ("Ding dong, Avon calling!" Yeah, I'm one of THOSE ladies). I'm also OCD but a damn fine cook.  Humor is what gets me up in the morning (along with 3 cups of strong coffee). If you want to ride the humor train with me, check out a few of these posts (or just click on the titles of older posts on the right side bar): http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/2012/02/facebook-fossil.html
http://menopausalmother.blogspot.com/2012/04/how-to-annoy-your-children.html

     Thanks again to Karen for letting me kidnap her blog for a day. In the spirit of the holidays, I decided to share with her one of my favorite cake recipes that is in high demand in our household. You'll just have to hop on over to her site for a cup of coffee and a slice of cake to find out which one it is! Please visit Karen at: http://www.bakinginatornado.com



   

     Thanksgiving is upon us, and while most people are counting their blessings on this traditional family holiday, I am the grinchy pessimist seeing a glass that is already half empty. Our world was turned upside down when my husband lost his job recently (no, he did not work at the Hostess Twinkie factory, although he IS my favorite Ding Dong). Somebody stomped on the breaks and we weren't wearing any seat belts. Not only did we lose our income, but our healthcare as well. To say that life is a challenge is an understatement. A trap door has opened under our feet---the rope to climb out within our grasp but hard to reach.
     Our current situation renders negative and positive thoughts on being unemployed:
   
     THE NEGATIVES:

     *My husband, who was born during the Jurassic period, cannot compete with the Generation X applicants clamoring for the same job.

     *We can no longer enjoy a good, Porterhouse steak. We're reduced to eating Spam and baked beans...pretty soon that box of doggie treats on the shelf will look appetizing.

     *Instead of spending 8 hours at a job, my husband spends 8 hours digging under couch cushions or the car floorboards in search of loose change to play the lottery. He can't walk past a vending machine without checking the coin return for stray nickels and dimes.

     *My guy now requires a two hour nap in the middle of the day after consuming mass quantities of cheap food to counteract his boredom. He stands at the kitchen counter and just squirts the cheese from a can directly into his mouth, then washes it down with  handful of crackers.

     *To keep himself busy, my husband has been trimming all the hedges into Disney topiaries, painted the shed in camouflage and dug up our yard for a new sprinkler system, which now resembles a groundhog transit system.

     THE POSITIVES:

     *My husband has tackled the pantry that I have recently neglected by alphabetizing and color coding soup cans, boxed meals and cake mixes.

     *We have time to enjoy a morning walk together. The hubs is trying to work off his beer belly and the man boobs that bounce as he he jogs (no money for a sports bra).

     *The rain gutters and tile grout in the shower have never been cleaner. Even the dust bunnies under the bed have packed up their suitcases and left.

     *We have time now to explore every chapter of the Kama Sutra book. Clowns and unicorns notwithstanding.

     *We get to sleep in as late as we want. Whether it's five hours or eight, we still wake looking like disoriented patients after shock therapy. We have yet to invent a drip line from the Keurig machine to our mouths upon waking.

     Eventually my husband will find a new job and life will return to normal. Sack lunches, regular income and a juicy, Porterhouse steak. Perhaps the glass IS half full. This Thanksgiving, our turkey may be the size of a Cornish Game hen, but I am still grateful. I may be broke, but I am wealthy in so many other ways. I have my family, my health and the last Twinkie off the shelf.

WARNING! This blog post is a result of what happens when I leave my husband alone with my laptop and a six pack of beer. He hacked into my account and decided to have some fun with my email. If you are easily offended, turn back now....

     Before going through "the change of life", I was a very tolerant person. But somewhere between screaming like a wild Banshee in the delivery room to my first hot flash, I became less tolerant. It didn't happen all at once, but gradually, like the leaves in New England; I went from vibrant green to crusty brown. In my youth, I never understood the impatience and general crankiness of elderly people. Now that I am a card carrying AARP member, I have a license to be cantankerous. It doesn't take much to spark my temper or tap dance on my last, sane nerve. For instance:
     It never used to bother me when people bought the newest gadget on the market. Back in the dinosaur days, that included microwaves, cordless phones and cassette tape players. Today, everyone HAS to own the latest technological wonder: iPhone, iPad....iBidet and i-Don't-Care.
     Another thing that bothers the hell out of me? People who hide behind their religion to excuse their repugnant behavior. These people interpret God's word in a language that could only be translated on Mars. If you're going to talk the talk, you'd better be prepared to walk the walk. And while you're at it, don't judge me until you've slipped on a pair of my well-worn shoes and walked a few miles in them.
     I have also become increasingly jealous annoyed by people who feel compelled to update me daily on their latest exercise regimen/diet plan. I'm standing in line at the bakery and they're all like, "Wow, I just lost 5 pounds!" and I'm thinking, "Butter cream or chocolate mocha frosting on those cupcakes?"
     And what's up with the fickle bladder in middle age? I used to be like a camel that could store fluids for days...but now this camel needs a colostomy bag.
     I don't have time for people with Type A personalities. When I was younger, I was accused of being one; I admired those powerful, aggressive people fighting for a cause. Now their passion exhausts me and I just don't have patience for their soapbox drama. I'd rather be playing corn hole with a band of merry meerkats.
     When I'm feeling particularly grumpy, the last thing I want to hear is how great your expensive, African safari was, how awesome your kid is at underwater basket weaving and how excited you are for buying that lucky, five million dollar lottery ticket. Unless you're feeling charitable enough to pay off my mortgage, I really don't want to know how the planets aligned perfectly for you while I'm stuck in the crossfire of a meteor shower.
     What disturbs me more than anything is menopausal fatigue. I used to be like the Energizer Bunny. I could simultaneously flip a pancake, nurse a baby, donate $100 to the penguin tuxedo fund and practice my Irish Riverdancing steps, all within five minutes. Now I'm yawning at 10:30 a.m. (and this is after two cups of coffee strong enough to invigorate the Walking Dead). All I want to do is hibernate under a quilt until somebody rings the dinner bell. I WAKE FOR STEAK!
     I've hit my 50's like the last person in a bounce house stuck in the corner crack with no one there to pull me out. But never fear, Meno Mama will persevere.

     Once again I am thrilled (and amazed!) to be awarded some very special honors from my friends in the blogging community. Nicer still is the fact that this gives me the opportunity to share the love with some newer, well-deserving bloggers in our ever-expanding community of writers. The blogs I have decided to pass the torch down to were chosen for their diversity, creativity and spunk. Each award comes with a set of rules and questions. I decided to have some fun with it and bend the rules a little...just because I can.
     Each award requests that I mention 7-11 "fun facts" about myself. Multiply that times 6 different awards and you will know waaaay too much about me. And besides, there aren't THAT many fun things about me anyway...so rather than bore you to tears reading this stuff (when you could be watching an episode of Swamp People), I decided to condense the facts into a tidy package of 12.

EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MENOPAUSAL MAMA:

*When I was in grade school, I had a mixed dominance eye problem and had to wear a patch over my eye for a year. I learned quickly how cruel some children could be. Perhaps if I'd had a peg leg and a parrot on my shoulder, it wouldn't have been so bad. At the very least I could have been hired out as Captain Jack's sidekick at kiddie birthday parties.

*I run a side job selling my homemade rum cakes to the public. These cakes are known to make people drunk after one bite. Just don't hold a lighter up near their mouth after they have eaten some.

*The most difficult thing I have ever written was my father's eulogy...and my sister's 17 months later.


*I have two-tone hair; blonde on top and black underneath. This is due to a mid-life identity crisis: Malibu Beach Barbie meets Elvira.

*I played the flute and piccolo in my high school marching band. If I knew then what I know now, I would have smuggled a flask of vodka in my band uniform hat.

*If I won the lottery and decided to buy a second home in the U.S., it would be in Cody, Wyoming.

*I broke both bones in my left arm playing frisbee with a LARGE jazz dancer on the front lawn of my college dorm freshman year. Going through surgery and wearing a cast for 3 months was the best thing that ever happened to me because it pulled me out of my shell and jump-started my social life. Who knew male nurses could be so HOT???

*I make a damn good prickly pear margarita.

*While most women collect shoes, I hoard nail polish.

*Most days I want to smash my bathroom scale the way rock stars smash their guitars on stage.

*I chew my cuticles when I am bored, hungry or anxious. On a bad day, my fingers look like they've been gnawed on by rabid gerbils.

*I am allergic to Jaegermeister. It makes me break out in hives and turns my tongue black. Don't even THINK about slipping that shit in my drink at a party for entertainment purposes.


     The first award I received is the Laine Blogger Award thanks to Josie @ http://alia-cartwright.blogspot.com. This award focuses on beauty, so my male readers may want to go grab a beer from the fridge and skip down to award #2.
   
RULES:

Answer 5 questions about yourself (same ones listed here)
Add award logo in your post and thank the person who gave it to you---link back to them as well
Pass it on to 5 other bloggers and notify them on their blog that they won

5 QUESTIONS/ANSWERS:

1. What is your current beauty obsession? Facial creams. Yeah, I look like the Loch Ness Monster most nights when I climb into bed.
2. What is the ONE beauty item you wished you owned? Anything that vibrates and makes me glow.
3. What is your favorite topic to read about? Menopause, mid-life mishaps and the mating cycle of squirrels.
4. What inspired you to become a blogger? Writing is my second favorite outlet after drinking wine.
5. What nail polish are you wearing right now? Black on my fingernails to match my goth, menopausal alter ego. Cheery red on my toenails just to throw you off. I like to keep people guessing.

5 BEAUTIFUL BLOGGERS NOMINATED FOR THE AWARD:

rosdianalittleworld.blogspot.com
stylehighstreet.com
www.naturallycurlykinky.com
shortylegsbeauty.blogspot.com
www.makeupobsessedmom.com

     My second award is the Versatile Blog Award courtesy of Ashley @ http://sorrykid.blogspot.com. I also received this award quite some time ago from several other bloggers but was negligent in posting a blog about it and missed following the rules. Bad, bad Meno Mama!! Thank you also for this award from: www.the rambling couch potato, quirky grandmother.blogspot.com, and shortylegsbeauty.com.

RULES:

Add award logo to your blog post and thank the person who nominated you & link back to them
List 7 random facts about yourself (already did this)
Pass award along to 7 other bloggers
Inform each nominee about the award by posting on their blog site comment section

     Since this award was granted to me 4 times in the past few months, I think I can pass it down to 7 bloggers from each time for being nominated, which comes to a total of 28 bloggers. Wow!

28 VERSATILE BLOGGERS

www.pullmyfunnybone.com
superearthling.com
slusworld.blogspot.com
myownwritersnook.blogspot.com
motherof9.blogspot.com
www.natalieblair.net
distinctlym.blogspot.com
www.naptimereview.com
www.mail4rosey.com
mydailyjenn-ism.blogspot.com
www.peanutlayne.com
crazy-mama-drama.blogspot.com
fireandrabbits.com
sooperdad.blogspot.com
www.wantadumpsterbaby.com
www.therealhousewifeofsantee.com
outofboundswithjay.blogspot.com
lifestooshorttoplaypossum.wordpress.com
www.firsttimemomanddad.com
mybrainonkids.net
itsadomelife.com
OneCreativeProcrastinatingGal.blogspot.com
quirkychrissy.com
www.mjmonaghan
heatherchristenaschmidt.com
www.awriterweavesatale
diapersorwine.blogspot.com
myheartblogstoyou.blogspot.com

     Hang in there, people---I'm going as fast as I can here! My third little surprise is a beauty called The Lovely Blog Award, given to me by Pamela @ pjgraves51.blogspot.com. Thanks, Pamela!

RULES:

Include award logo in post and thank the person who nominated you & include their link
Nominate 5 other deserving bloggers
Give 7-15 random facts about yourself (already done)

5 LOVELY BLOG NOMINEES

snarkfest.blogspot.com
bakinginatornado.blogspot.com
dawnsdisaster.blogspot.com
alia-cartwright.blogspot.com
shecantbeserious.com

     Award no#4 is The Sisterhood Of World Bloggers Award, given to me twice, thanks to Sandra @ shecantbeserious.com and Jenn @ mydailyjenn-ism.blogspot.com

RULES:

Include award logo in blog post, thank the nominee and link back to their site
Post 7 interesting facts about yourself (already done)
Pass the award to 7 deserving sisters

     Since I received this puppy twice, I think it is only fair to deliver it to double the amount of winners!

14 DESERVING BLOGGER SISTERS:

sorrykid.blogspot.com
pjgraves51.blogspot.com
followmehome.shellybean.com
www.chewylicious.com
gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com
healthynaturalbeauty.blogspot.com
pocketfulofjoules.com
forever-51.com
jleesblog.com
mymidlifemayhem.wordpress.com
www.theramblingcouchpotato.com
quirkygrandmother.blogspot.com
www.lifecherries.com
thisbitchrocks.blogspot.com

     Award no#5 is the Sunshine Award given to me by Melanie @ motherofnine9.blogspot.com. Thanks, Melanie!

RULES:

Include award logo in blog post and thank the blogger who gave it to you & include a link back
Answer 10 questions about yourself that you have made up yourself (yeah, I know, kinda weird)
Nominate 10-12 bloggers for the award and contact them at their blog site to inform them

     Because this is becoming a ridiculously long blog post due to the nature of my procrastination techniques in acknowledging these awards, I'm going to make it easy on you by describing myself 10 ways rather than answer 10 lengthy questions.

MENOPAUSAL MOTHER IS A_______ (don't even TRY to fill in that blank!) :

*Caffeine addict (3:00 a.m.? Yeah, I'm good for another hour of Facebooking)
*Animal hoarder ( I'm going to start charging admission to visit my zoo)
*Insomniac (I think I was a bat in a previous life)
*Foodaholic (and damn proud of it!)
*Phobic whackadoodle (fears cockroaches, airplanes, left turns, lights out, apocalyptic zombies)
*Squirrel whisperer (if you build feeders they will come....)
*Moody (in dire need of daily humor or I will chew through my restraints)
*Weekend drinker/partier/girl-with-the-lampshade-on-her-head
*Cranky on the outside, mushy on the inside (like a badly burned marshmallow)
*Sucker for romance (a dozen yellow roses goes far...)

12 AWESOME SUNSHINE BLOGGERS:

neathmyheart.blogspot.com
d-foreverserenity.blogspot.com
www.thriftedbywendy.com
unfoldthefolded.blogspot.com
woodsfamilyofthree.blogspot.com
www.youknowithappensatyourhousetoo.com
thegreekhousewife.blogspot.com
lettersfromluanna.blogspot.com
happy-little-feet.blogspot.com
www.athometake2.com
unspokensilences.blogspot.com
singlewritermomrants.wordpress.com

     Last but not least is no.#6, the Liebster Award, thanks to Sittie Cates @ myownwritersnook.blogspot.com

RULES:

List 11 factoids about yourself (done!)
Answer 11 questions given to you
Create 11 new questions for the bloggers you nominate for the award
Choose 11 bloggers for the award
Go to the blogger's page and inform  them of the award
Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog
Only tag bloggers who have 200 or less followers  ***This was awarded to me even though I have more than 200 followers--I accepted it anyway so that I could pass it along to 11 very deserving bloggers!!

11 QUESTIONS FOR MENOPAUSAL MOTHER:

1. What drives you to continue your blog?  My husband is tired of hearing my endless chatter---I needed an outlet to vent before my husband packed his bags and moved out.
2. If you had a different name, what would it be and why would you choose it?  My Indian name would be "She-Who-Runs-With-Squirrels."  Why? Because I do.
3. What can't you live without?  Chocolate...wine...Facebook...naps...I can only choose one?
4. What is your best loved hobby?  Championship beer pong.
5. Why did you choose the title of your blog?  Because I'm friggin' menopausal, what else?
6. How long have you been blogging? One year, one month, 17 days, 6 hours and about 25 minutes.
7. How do you prefer to spend your weekends?  Baking rum cakes, sampling all the wine in the house, putting my husband to work in the backyard garden while I clip my toenails...
8. What goals have you achieved? Married 28 years, raised 4 incredible kids...and I can out-drink men twice my size...oh wait---maybe that's not something to be proud of.
9. Cite a blog you like and why you like it. I LOVE every blog I awarded in this post! I'm currently getting HUGE laughs from 2 bloggers who are new to me: Sorrykid.blogspot.com and www.pullmyfunnybone.com. Both Ashley and Gwen share my twisted sense of humor and lead my imagination to new frontiers.  But there are 3 bloggers who have been my biggest supporters during tough times (both in my personal life and my blogging life)that I want to thank. They are: Lanthie @ www.lifecherries, Kc @ Ketchupchipsusa.blogspot.com and Jon @ Jonwhiting55.blogspot.com.  I love these bloggers and appreciate them more than they know (well...hopefully they do now)!
10. What's your greatest dream in life?  To publish a book that will entice my fans down the path of menopausal insanity.
11. What month were you born? October. Libra. We like to be the center of attention and the life of the party.

11 FABULOUS LIEBSTER AWARD BLOG NOMINEES:

shittydad.wordpress.com
badwordmama.blogspot.com
myworldaccordingtomeii.blogspot.com
jonwhiting55.blogspot.com
heymommychocolatemilk.blogspot.com
outofboundswithjay.blogspot.com
www.pullmyfunnybone.com
www.oneclassymotha.com
mybrainonkids.net
ketchupchipsusa.blogspot.com
badluckdetective.wordpress.com

     While they are patting themselves on the back, I'm going to surprise them with these 11 awkward questions they have to answer----and they may not be too happy about it once they read them but c'mon, have a sense of humor here, will ya?

11 WEIRD QUESTIONS YOU HAVE TO ANSWER TO MAKE MENO MOM HAPPY:

1. Do you salt your watermelon?
2. Your favorite beverage is?
3. Have you ever tasted cat or dog food?
4. If you were a pro athlete, what sport would you play?
5. What animal best represents you?
6. What is the weirdest job you ever had/or hated?
7. Have you ever gotten stuck in something and had to yell for help to get out?
8. Have you ever "sharted" (SORRY!! MY HUSBAND MADE THIS ONE UP!!!)?
9. How old were you when you had your first kiss?
10. If you were on Death Row, what would your last meal request be?
11. What is one of your most embarrassing moments?

     So.....WAKE UP I'M DONE! Liebsters, let me know when you post your answers to these questions because inquiring minds want to know. Congratulations to all of my bloggy friends! Now go out there and spread your love to all the other fabulous bloggers you know!

     Several bloggers have asked me recently why I don't post weekly or even daily on  my blog site.  Professional bloggers recommend it in order to increase traffic and followers.  I know this is sound advice, but I am ashamed to admit that I am often stumped by writer's block.  And that's when I turn into a professional procrastinator.
     This is how it starts:

5:45 a.m.
     Obnoxious alarm clock jars me awake.  I want to yank it from the wall and toss it out the window onto the neighbor's lawn.  It wouldn't matter because they get up at  the ass crack of dawn to rev up their lawn mowers.
      On my night stand sits the TO-DO list I scribbled out last night when there was still adrenaline coursing through my veins after watching a rousing episode of Top Chef.  In the bleak morning light, that TO-DO list becomes a GO-TO-HELL list.  No way am I getting up early to make everyone breakfast.  That's why God invented granola bars and oatmeal-on-the-go.
     Slap the snooze button on the alarm for fifteen more minutes.

6:00 a.m.
     Just as I have drifted off into Never Never Land, I hear a nagging buzzer go off, and wonder if I'm on a new game show called, "Wheel Of Misfortune."
     I REALLY need to wake up.

6:15 a.m.
     Coffee.  My morning elixir.  Jumper cables to my heart.  Now I'm ready to work.

6:30 a.m.
     Realization that just because my body is doing the happy dance doesn't mean that my brain has caught onto the dance steps.  Need more coffee.

7:00 a.m.
     Staring at a blank computer screen, convinced that my muse bought a one-way ticket to Bora Bora and is completely content to sip Mai Tais on the shore while I struggle to post something witty on my blog site.

7:30 a.m.
     Still staring at blank computer screen.  Pick dog hair off tee-shirt and make a daisy chain out of paper clips.  I end up trolling Facebook for status updates.
     "Wow Camille, you sure look wasted in those office party pictures.  Do people still do that kind of stuff on copy machines???"
     "Aw, Cynthia, I just LOVE little Tommy's mullet.  Is he channeling Billy Ray Cyrus?"
     "OMG Vicky!  Your poodle just pooped in your Jimmy Choos?!"

9:30 a.m.
     Staring out home office window.  When did the neighbors get a hairless cat?  Oh, that's a possum rummaging around in the trash can.  I didn't know possums liked beer.

10:00 a.m.
     Glance at Facebook again to see if anyone commented on my latest status update: "Is it too early to add whiskey to my coffee cup? LOL!"

10:30 a.m.
     Check fridge to see if anyone left an amazing surprise in there for me to eat, like an ice cream bar or a leftover egg roll.

11:00 a.m.
     Back on the computer and begin typing blog entry: "Hello Readers!  I'm hyped up on caffeine and shaky as hell but my brain has a log jam and I.....oh look!  A cupcake!

11:30 a.m.
     Gotta get this blog post going...whoa, what's this?  New outdoor decorating ideas on Pinterest?  Pot-bellied pigs for sale on Craig's List?

1:00 p.m.
     Stalk other blog sites for inspiration.  They're all good.  Damn good.  This leaves me feeling a bit insecure and overwhelmed...so I pick up the phone and call a friend for moral support.

2:30 p.m.
     Damn possum is back.  Brought some of his buddies.  I didn't know they could carry a six pack and beach chairs.

4:30 p.m.
     Wake up to computer keyboard imprints on my forehead.

5:00 p.m.
      Feed and walk dogs, try to figure out something clever yet appetizing for dinner.  My family is starting to catch onto the fact that I'm recycling leftovers tossed into pasta and rice to confuse them.

8:00 p.m.
     Back on the computer.  Something skitters across the floor and under my desk.  Could have been a cockroach.  Or a possum.  Call Husband to exterminate whatever predator is stalking me.

10:00 p.m.
     Loud cheering from the TV room.  My family is either watching a Dolphins football game or The Kardashians.  I need to investigate.

Midnight:
     Computer screen still blank.  So is my brain.  Time to reboot both.  Possums now sitting around campfire singing Kumbaya and making smores.


     Surely tomorrow will be a more productive day...as long as a parade of pugnacious pot-bellied pigs and prancing pink poodles doesn't pass by my office window...

     Got a complaint? Pick a number and stand in line. It will be three lunar eclipses before I have time to address your grievances. I would rather spend the day scraping up the collective gunk in the corners of my refrigerator drawers than discuss these issues, but I just can't keep my mouth shut any longer. In the past, I was a pro at sidestepping conflict, but there comes a time in a woman's life (known as MMP---Menopausal Mean Phase), where we've just GOT to unleash the hormonal beast raging inside of us. I'm tired of being stretched in ten different directions like a Stretch Armstrong doll just to please the entire universe. Some days I'd rather pull the covers over my head and staple the blanket to my mattress to prevent people from disturbing me in my cotton fortress.  Just. Go. Away.
     Maybe I'm feeling this way because I'm menopausal-bitchy-hungry-tired-hot flashy, or maybe I'm just older and wiser and have realized I don't need to put up with the bullshit anymore. My kids and my husband, I can handle. But outside of that comfortable nucleus, if you see a sign posted on my front door that reads, "Beware Of Rabid Otter...Enter At Your Own Risk" trust me, it's up there for your own good.
     Things that REALLY piss me off:

     *People who shove their political agendas down my throat via emails, robo calls, television ads, bulk mail and Facebook. This is especially insulting if the political onslaught hits me early in the morning when my eyes are at half mast. I'm basically brain dead until 9:00 a.m. when the coffee kicks in, so don't ask me to support your cause or I may end up voting for Sponge Bob.

     *Waiting not-so-patiently in the "Ten Items Or Less Express Lane" at the grocery store only to have some jackass in front of me who:  A) Has 15 items in his basket: 8 cans of sardines, 6 jars of pickled pigs feet and a ginormous bag of kitty litter). Dude, what are you doing-- hosting a redneck feline barbecue in your backyard?  B)  Decides he can't afford that many jars of pickled pigs feet and has the check-out girl de-scan them all.  C)  Tries to pay for his purchases with a credit card that has been denied (guess that case of chewing tobacco he bought last month maxed out his card).

     *People who can't pay their mortgage but somehow scrape up the funds to book a room for a weekend at the beach, drive Beemer convertibles and suck down lobster tails at a five star restaurant.

     *Late service calls. "Dear Mr. Internet-Television-Telephone-Electricity-Repair Man: I don't mind sitting in a dark cave for two weeks, waiting for you to show up and restore our service. I'll just sit here in the candle light and crochet a pastel noose while I wait patiently for your visit.

     *People who criticize me or my family behind my back because they're too insecure to face their own demons. Criticize my kids and I'll go all Charlie Sheen on your ass. Yes, I know they've done some stupid things over the years, like sticking bubble gum in a sibling's hair or throwing a hot iron at someone who was poking fun at them...but at least they didn't shove a raisin up someone's nose like my older brother did to me when I was little. Raisins+nasal passage=emergency room.

    *Erratic drivers multi-tasking behind the wheel while speeding down a busy interstate. These people aren't human--they're aliens from a planet that produces colonies of octopus people. Amazing how they can text, apply makeup, slip a contact in their eye and brush their teeth, all while dodging in and out of traffic.

     *Diet products and expensive exercise equipment that promises to turn women into JLo. *NEWSFLASH* The money you wasted on these items could have been invested in a Twinkie factory, because either way you're going to come out looking like Melissa McCarthy from the Mike and Molly show.

     *Celebrities who whine about their lack of privacy and run-ins with the paparazzi. Well duh, after clawing their way to the top, what did they expect? They can always switch careers---I hear they're hiring janitors at the local middle school to scrub spit balls off the bathroom walls. No need to worry about paparazzi showing up there.

     *People who try to involve me in the he said/she said game. I'm tired of playing referee and would rather sit along the sidelines while they duke it out in the Octagon. Popcorn, anyone?

     *Door-to-door salesmen. In the dinosaur days before internet, people used to sell encyclopedias door-to-door. As a kid, it was pretty darn exciting to flip through the glossy pages and look at the mating cycle of the woolly worm. But nowadays, it never fails---we'll just be sitting down to dinner when the doorbell rings and some squirrelly looking guy who seems to be hyped up on meth is trying to sell me an alarm system, a magazine subscription or a set of Ginsu knives. The only sales people allowed to cross my threshold are the ones selling Girl Scout cookies or those giant World's Finest chocolate bars to support the high school glee club.

     *People who brag about their high paying jobs, yet bitch about the lengthy hours they put in each week...as if the rest of us poor slobs do nothing but sit around the pool all day and sip pina coladas. Who do the they think they're kidding? Just. Shut. Up.  Everyone knows they're the ones keeping TLC, MTV and the Bravo channel ratings up by never missing an episode of Honey Boo Boo, Sixteen And Pregnant, Real Housewives Of New Jersey and Toddlers And Tiaras.

     *Cheap people. Don't bring the Walmart wine-special-of-the-week wrapped in fancy trimmings when I know damn well you can afford the good stuff. You can wrap your trash up in a pink bag with purple bows and it's still gonna smell like crap to the garbage man.


     These are the types of people who have been sucking the life out of me for years. To hell with them. Now it's time for me to kick back, pour a glass of wine and watch back to back episodes of Koalas Gone Wild.