Friday, January 25, 2013

In The Beginning There Was...Twitter?

     Today is a special day at Menopausal Mother's site. I'm introducing you to one of my favorite bloggers, Sarah over at http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com. Her blog caught my attention several months ago when she left hilarious comments on my Caveman Twitter post. I just HAD to check out this talented lady and I've been stalking her blog ever since. I knew the moment I read her bio that I had  met a kindred spirit and someone I could call a true friend in the blogosphere. In the short time that I have known Sarah, I realize our brains are wired the same---pretty soon we won't need to email one another---we'll just communicate telepathically.
     Sarah is still fairly new to the blogging world (she started many, many moons ago back in June 2012), but she already has a large audience and quite a few blogging awards under her belt. Her bio reads:   "The Sadder But Wiser Girl is the mother of two children and is married to an evil genius. Suffering from A.D.D., Anxiety, and a phobia of washing dishes by hand, she blogs to save the world from boringness. Though she is college educated, she would gladly trade her degree in for something useful, like a grilled cheese sandwich. She also goes by the name of Sarah Almond, writer, blogger, and dreamer looking to find her niche somewhere in the great big world."
     I think Sarah has already found her niche, and now we are the fortunate ones on the receiving end of  her humor.

                                          *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

A couple of months ago, Menopausal Mother and her darling husband debated about what might happen if Cavemen had Twitter.  This intrigued me.  I started thinking about what if they had Twitter during other notable times in our history.  I’m still learning Twitter, so I’m no expert, but I think that if Twitter was around long ago, things may have been quite interesting. 
So what if they had Twitter in Biblical Times?  The following are tweets that I think really could have happened, complete with horrible reenactments by Barbies.  
For example, what if God tweeted about creating the world?
God@LordOfCreation
BOOM!  I made some great stuff this week!  Check out my pics on Pinterest.


Boo-yah!  World creation complete!  (Grandpa Snake in a Barbie bathrobe makes a fabulous God, or maybe Hugh Hefner?


Now of course no one would tweet back…yet.  What about the Garden of Eden?
Serpent@TheGarden
@Eve Want to grab a snack later?  Come on, no one will know…
Eve@FirstGal
Just got my fig leaves.  #fashion
Adam@FirstDude
I hate shopping, especially for fig leaves.  Thinking of having the Earth’s first beer.


Adam and Eve hanging out in the garden.  Nice apples.

Of course as time went on God would get more popular:
God@LordOfCreation
I’m so excited, I have more than 1000 followers!  #sweet


God would communicate via Twitter.
God@LordOfCreation
@Moses  Do you have a couple of stone tablets and a chisel? I have something I need you to write down for me.
God@LordOfCreation
@Noah  I need a favor, and I really hope you like animals. #EpicFlood


Noah and the only animals I could find.  I don’t think there were dragons on the ark.
(Yes I’m well aware that God and Noah look the same.  I only have so many guy Barbies!)

God@LordOfCreation
@Moses  Hey me again.  Another thought-this whole Egypt thing isn’t working.  We need a new thing. I’m thinking a plague of boxelder bugs.  Thoughts?
Moses@BurningBush
@God  LOL!  That would be annoying but not effective.  What about a plague of earwigs?
God@LordOfCreation
@Moses Nah… I need something more flashy.  Cockroaches?  I’m not really using them for anything.
Moses@BurningBush
@God   Cockroaches are creepy and they do spread disease, but here’s a thought.  Locusts? People hate locusts!
God@LordOf Creation
@Moses Perfect!  Make it so!

Pretty soon everyone would be tweeting!
Moses@BurningBush
Woo-hoo! Just parted the Red Sea! I rock! #Canaan
Jonah@WhaleTales
Awfully dark in here.  Something’s fishy.
Noah@FloatMyBoat
Last call for anyone who wants to take the ark for a spin. #EpicFlood

Joseph@JesusDad
No room at the inn! A manger? WTF? #DamnCensus


Who knew that Hello Kitty and My Little Ponies were present for the Divine Moment?  Um Joseph, you might want to adjust your robe.

Jesus@OhMyDad
Just rose from the dead. Take THAT nonbelievers!
I hope you enjoyed my little venture into the imaginary world of biblical times with Twitter.  Want more?  I’ve got a whole brain full of stuff!  If you want more insight into the scary place that is my mind, come on over to http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com and check out my blog!



Be sure and check out Sarah's blog at http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com  and show her some love by visiting and liking her Facebook fan page at http://www.facebook.com/thesadderbutwisergirl  and tell her that Meno Mama sent ya!


Want to show Menopausal Mother some love, too? Vote for me in the Circle Of Moms Top 25 contest! Click on the link below, then scroll down until you find my blog. Click "vote" and BOOM! You're done. You can vote for Meno Mama once a day, every day (within a 24 hour time frame), until the contest ends FEB.13. You can also click on the badge at the upper right corner to get to the site as well. Thanks for showing the love!!
http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-Funny-Moms-2013
Posted by at 141 comments:

Friday, January 18, 2013

Fly On The Wall

     Today I am participating in a group blog posting called "Fly On The Wall", created by Karen over at www.bakinginatornado.com. There are 14 other bloggers participating in this fun little project that allows our readers a sneak peak into a day in the life of a blogger. Or as I call it, "Embarrassing Things We Really Shouldn't Share With The Public".
     Before entering my home, there are several signs posted outside that forewarn visitors what they might encounter inside.
     Our Family is nuts:

     We belong in the looney bin:

     We take NO responsibility for unattended children:



     If you are faint of heart, turn back now because this blog post is not for you. If you find the mentioning of certain bodily functions offensive, click out of my site now and find a nice blog post on DIY sofa covers or frilly lamp shades.
     I have a teenager and 3 adult children. When we are all together under the same roof, things get interesting. If you were a fly on the wall in my house during this time, here are some snippets of conversation you would have heard:

     "Dad is just a crusty old man who sunbathes with dinosaurs and eats bologna sandwiches."

     "Stop singing Whitney Houston songs! My ears are bleeding!"

     "Don't eat corn! That junk ricochets back at you in the toilet!"

     "It's a sign of sisterly love that our toenails fell off on the same day. That's what I call true bonding."

     "Why did you let me eat that much orzo? Now I need a stomach pump."

     "I want a penguin. And a kangaroo."
     "Yeah, well I wanted a yard gnome but I never got one."

     "Don't you hate it when you burp and throw up in you mouth at the same time?"
     "Can't be any worse than pushing out a fart and then end up peeing a little bit in your pants."

     "Cut your damn Hobbit toenails!"

     " I gotta pee so bad my bladder is gonna burst in my throat!"

     "You let the dog lick your face? He just ate his own poop outside!"

     "Stop hoarding all the peanut granola bars in your room. What are you, a squirrel?"

     "Oh, she pooped in her diaper. That was a nice little surprise package."

     "You need to get out of sloth mode and get busy doing your chores!"

     "Don't cut your toenails next to me while I'm eating lunch. I don't want those flying missiles landing in my macaroni salad."

     "I'm not putting my laundry in with his. I don't want our clothes rubbing together in the washing machine. I can't even dry my face off on those towels because they all smell like his dirty under ware."

     "No, sweet potato casserole does not come from ear wax."

     "Who the hell had a picnic in the bathroom?"
     "What do you mean?"
     "There's a meatloaf in the toilet and lemonade all over the seat."


     And in the past week, I have been referred to by my children as a:
     Rotten vagina
     Poopsicle
     Blogger whore
     Wine bee-otch
     Fatty McFarty

     Don't get mad, people! These are terms of endearment in my home. Which is why I love my family so much.
     Welcome to the nuthouse!

Check out the other bloggers at: 

www.BakingInATornado.com                      
http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com/                            


Posted by at 92 comments:

Friday, January 11, 2013

Secret Subject Swap #2: Zombie Plan



     We survived the Y2K "computer crash" on December 31, 1999, and we surpassed the deadline of the Mayan calendar. But what about a zombie apocalypse?
     I am once again participating in a Secret Subject Swap with 17 other bloggers, hosted by Karen@http://www.bakinginatornado.com. My prompt this time comes from Jenn over at http://www.somethingclever2point0.com. Her question to me is: "What is your zombie plan?"
     I was actually pleased to get this prompt, because I live in Florida, home of the most notorious flesh-eating zombie stories of 2012. Zombie defense plans were all the rage last year, and after watching enough episodes of The Walking Dead, I think I am prepared to do battle. This folks, is how I plan to survive a zombie apocalypse:

1.  First, disguise myself as a zombie to fit in with the rotting rogues. I will do this by refraining from bathing for weeks, rolling in garbage and raw sewage, shredding my clothes, tossing out my toothbrush and skipping my daily naps for awhile. Of course at this point, none of my fellow humans will want to be downwind of me, either.

2.  Hone my growling, moaning and slobbering skills.

3.  Practice precision slicing of cantaloupes with a large machete.

4.  Stick wood planks down my pants in an effort to walk stiff-legged.

5.  Stockpile toilet paper, chipped beef, canned corn, beans and Little Debbie Cakes to eat secretly in my attic while the zombies are outside gnawing on human chicken wings.

6.  Build a mote around my house and fill it with zombie-eating alligators. Or perhaps piranhas would be more effective since they don't leave anything behind. The vultures in my special, ugly bird aviary will be allowed out each morning to eat the zombie leftovers. If they are too full to finish the gruesome banquet, I can always haul out the wood chipper/shredder to finish the job.

7.  Blast Judy Collins, Bette Midler and Barry Manilow songs from loud speakers to deter the zombies and make their brains explode.

8.  Douse myself in a perfume repellent known as "Eau De Zombie Poop".


9.  Trap the zombies by digging big holes in my yard and camouflaging them with leaves and branches. Once the zombies fall into the trap, I'll torch their asses.

10.  Place a large banner across my home that reads: "1st Annual Zombie Barbecue. If You're Human, They Will Come".  Then I'll sit behind the machine gun turrets on my roof and wait....


     As I go through my check list in preparation for the apocalypse, I realize all that is left is for me to slip into my special zombie gear.

     I'm ready for battle. Are you?


These are the 17 bloggers participating in the Secret Subject Swap. Check them out!
www.BakingInATornado.com                              
http://suburbiainterrupted.com/                             
http://www.bigaandlittlea.com                               







Posted by at 80 comments:

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Time In A Pocket


     Now that winter is actually approaching Florida (it's sixty degrees out..BRRR!) and the palm trees might be threatened by frostbite, I pulled out the winter clothes from the attic. Inside the trunk I found an old, leather jacket from my early mommy days. As I tried it on (and noticed it was a bit snug at the waist), I slipped my hands into the pockets and discovered unidentified objects from years past. My fingers delved into the deep depths of the unknown for hidden treasure, and this is what I found:

* One lint coated breath mint

* A faded receipt from a Star Trek convention along with one rubber Spock ear

* Fossilized stick of gum from 2001

* A key to a piece-of-crap minivan I unloaded 10 years ago

* Wadded-up tissue that had disintegrated into a pile of white ash

* A used strand of floss from a steak house

* An unwrapped tampon that had swelled up to the size of an airline pillow

* A clump of moss

* An uncapped, hairy stick of lip balm

* A petrified granola bar

* Ticket stubs to an outdoor concert where the Hubs got smashed and stumbled into the ladies room

* A champagne cork and two sea shells from a night of celebrating on the beach when we...well, you know...

* An arm from a Batman action figure

* A scrap of paper with a phone number to a turtle taxidermy shop

* Two quarters, a Heineken beer bottle cap and a baby's pacifier (sounds like a party to me!)

* A Barbie doll head. No comment.

* A cocktail napkin from Al and Suzy's wedding...the party lasted
longer than the marriage

* A matchbook from a hotel in Orlando where the fire alarm went off at 3:00 a.m. and we were herded like cattle out into the parking lot.  I learned that people at that hour of the morning look like they belong in a circus act or an episode of Swamp People


     After much consideration,  I decided to leave the contents in the pockets---it was a time capsule of sorts. One day my kids will inherit the jacket and wonder about the contents. I like to keep them guessing.


Posted by at 155 comments:

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Sweets With A Side Dish Of Humor

     If you've been reading my blog for any length of time now, you already know about my love affair with anything sweet. I LOVE to bake---that's a no-brainer. Baking relaxes me.  After all, nothing soothes the soul better than a thick slice of chocolate, peanut butter cake.
     Blogging is another hobby that relaxes me, and when I combine it with a sweet treat, that's my definition of NIRVANA. This past year I've participated in several blog hops and was fortunate enough to come across a blog that immediately caught my attention---and I've been hooked ever since my first visit.  I'm talking about Karen over at www.BakingInATornado.com. I find myself stalking her site daily because the recipes, combined with her funny & heartwarming stories, are a major draw for anyone who loves sweets with a side dish of humor.  I've made several of her recipes, and folks, let me tell you, they are ALL delicious (and addicting). Just the other day I baked her egg nog bread for the three of us....and let me just confess here and now that the loaf was NOT divided evenly into thirds.
     Karen has graciously accepted my offer to do a guest post here and I am honored to have her. Luckily for us, she has brought one of her mouth-watering recipes sure to satisfy everyone's sweet tooth----especially if you have a house full of bottomless pits, also known as teenagers!


Guest Post on Menopausal Mother 

Just this past November I was “talking” to a fellow blogger on FB and she happened to mention that she has a signature cake and offered me the recipe. I suggested she write about it and Menopausal Mother became the first to Guest Post on Baking In A Tornado. Today I’m happy to have packed up my baking supplies and come to visit her back.


My blog is mostly (sometimes I’m guilty of going off on a tangent) about the baking that I do as an outlet for stress relief. Here’s why: 

I didn’t get pregnant easily. That’s actually an understatement. I never thought I’d have children, but I did and there was a time when I was the Mom of two adorable little boys. It was such a fun time for me and I’d like to think that they enjoyed their childhood as well.

As the boys got older they began spending more time with friends than with me. It was during this time that I started baking to keep the kids in snacks and found out two very important things. First, baking relieves stress. I can get lost in a recipe and tune out the world while creating something kids enjoy. Second, bake it and they will come. Literally. I was like the Pied Piper. My house was filled with kids who knew that after school they were assured a good snack and at 5:45 anyone still here got a ride home before dinner. And I knew where my kids were, who they were with, what they were doing.  

And then suddenly, out of nowhere all hell broke loose. My boys declared war, and I was the enemy.  Everyone knows that teenagers are a challenge, but here’s what they don’t tell you: adolescence is a fluid term. It doesn’t strike at any given chronological time. Don’t think that just because your child isn’t a teenager yet means that they won’t act like an adolescent. Put up your defenses, you are not safe.  I’ve developed these warning signs. Forget age, this is what you need to look out for:

1. Their bedroom door suddenly spends more time closed than open.
2. They start using words you don’t know the meaning of and are sure they made up, yet all their friends understand them.
3.  They start dousing themselves in perfume (girls) or Axe (boys), literally until you can’t breathe.
4. They never call, only text, and all those acronyms and abbreviations don’t mean a thing to you. You don’t know whether they’re telling you to throw a party or call 911.
5. Food disappears. All of it. The day you buy it. And nobody took it.

Now once you’ve hit this point, it’s time to start baking.


Crunch Cookies

Because I’m sorry to say, there’s more to come: 

6. You feel the need to “google” what their t-shirt says to be sure it’s OK for them to wear it out of the house.
7. What you once would have called a “messy bedroom” you’re now willing to accept because although it’s certainly not clean, you have to admit it’s clean-ER.
8. When asking them to do something, you’re regularly told “that’s just not going to happen”.
9. You frequently find yourself asking “why in the world would you . . .”
10. The answer to the above is usually “well, you never said I couldn’t . . .”

And once you reach this point your mixer and baking sheets are going to need a permanent home on your counter. Because if you’re anything like me, you’re about to get very busy.

I hope you’ll come visit me at my blog: www.BakingInATornado.com


Crunch Cookies

Ingredients:
1 stick butter, softened
1 stick margarine, softened
2 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
2 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/4 cups Cocoa Krispie cereal
1 cup mini chocolate chips

Directions:
*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease cookie sheets.
*Beat butter, margarine, sugar, egg and vanilla for one minute.
*Mix in flour, baking soda and salt.
*Gently mix in the cereal and mini chocolate chips. Try not to break up the cereal.
*Gently roll into balls and put about 20 on a baking sheet. Press down slightly with the heel of your hand.
*Bake for 12 minutes. 
*Let cool for one to two minutes on cookie sheet before removing.
Posted by at 105 comments:

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Five Wishes

     I was tagged in a holiday post two weeks ago by one of my favorite bloggers---Rachel @ http://taoofpoop.blogspot.com. She tagged me to list 5 Christmas wishes and to pass the "honor" down to 5 other bloggers. As usual though, I am late to the party and here it is only a few days before the BIG DAY. I'm not vengeful enough to pass this little project along to 5 other stressed out bloggers busy with the whole shopping/baking/decorating/wrapping/getting-drunk-on-spiked-egg-nog thing, so I'm going to share my 5 wishes here and leave it at that. Merry Christmas to the 5 prospective candidates I was GOING to tag (and cause the undue stress of writing a last minute blog post). BOOM! My Christmas shopping is done.

FIVE WISHES FOR SANTA

1.  I want to party like a rock star with Santa and his merry band of elves. But there are certain conditions----I am NOT cleaning up after those sloppy, drunk elves, and Santa MUST wear something other than that tiresome, red suit. How about a kilt? Or maybe some jeggings. An industrial strength girdle might be in order too, after all the milk and cookies he sucks up like a Hoover vacuum on Christmas Eve.

2.  I want to ride in a pimped out sleigh with Santa, as long as there is a bottle of cognac in the glove compartment. Rudolph won't be the only one with a red nose. Which reminds me---Santa needs to switch out that nose to an LED light to conserve energy.

3.  I'd like to have my own reindeer. He could live in my backyard, and I could charge admission ( to support my blog habit, of course) for reindeer rides to all the kiddies in the neighborhood. He could also nibble on our grass during the spring so we wouldn't have to mow the lawn as often.

4.  I want all the elves to show up the day after Christmas to dismantle my ridiculously large collection of holiday decorations and neatly pack them away in our attic. Ever notice how those lazy bastards suddenly disappear once the last gift has been unwrapped and the Christmas feast devoured? They don't even stick around long enough to help with the dishes.

5.  I want to live in a world where acorn squash is high in fats and calories, and chocolate truffles are a nutritious element in your daily, dietary needs. While you're at it, Santa, how 'bout a home liposuction kit? Cookies in, cookies out....no more gingerbread on the thighs.


     All kidding aside, what Menopausal Mama really wants for Christmas is peace. I know that sounds cliche, but at my age, I yearn for simplicity---a time when people marveled at a sunset, not the latest technological gadget. I miss respect and the kindness of strangers. Social media, as enjoyable as it may be, has also created a major disconnect in personal interaction.  A certain coldness permeates society now---we live in a world where greed is becoming the norm and compassion has waned. I want to feel safe when I walk down the streets. And I don't want to have to worry about the world my granddaughter will grow up in. I wish, as many do, an end to violence, hatred and racism.
     Despite the frightening things we have been surrounded by lately, there is still beauty to be found--in a smile, a kind word and laughter. Embrace these simple pleasures and you will discover beauty and love in the world, and in love there is hope.
     This is my wish for you, dear readers, and your families.
     And cookies...lots of cookies...




Posted by at 74 comments:

Friday, December 14, 2012

The Secret Subject Swap

     Today I am participating in a fun little blogging project known as Secret Subject Swap, which is the brainchild of blogger Karen @ www.bakinginatornado.com. She has started something special here that motivates other bloggers to get creative by working off a prompt that has been secretly assigned to them by another blogger. Fifteen brave bloggers are participating today, simultaneously revealing their prompts and writing a blog post based on their interpretation of the topic chosen for them. Here are the links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject
Swap:




     My prompt, "Write a list of things you are NOT going to do today and why"--- was submitted by http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com

WHAT I'M NOT GOING TO DO TODAY....AND WHY:

 * I'm not going to shave my husband's back because if I do, I'm going to get creative and trim it into an FSU logo.

* I'm not going to eat the worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle. Last time that happened, I hallucinated I was dancing with the Care Bears.

* I'm not going to allow my husband to wear my Spanx at the next holiday party because that's just wrong on so many levels.

* I'm not going to unpack my long johns with the butt flap because nobody in Florida wears that stuff.

* I'm not going to ride the Goodyear Blimp today---I don't want a repeat of the Hindenberg incident.

* I'm not going to wear a bra today because baby those puppies were born to be free!

* I'm not going to flush down somebody else's anaconda size mess in the toilet---get a damn plunger and do it yourself.

* I'm not going to ride a donkey today. I might make an ass of myself.

* I'm not going to wear my husband's Depend Undergarments because they have a big pouch in the front.

* I'm not going to get drunk tonight because the last time I did, I ended up crawling on all fours in search of the rabbit hole from Alice In Wonderland.

* I'm not going to try on my skinny jeans today...or any other day. I ate french fries last night....

* I'm not going to strap on a mask and cook liver and onions for my husband (even though he loves it)
 because it always makes me feel like I'm on the set of Silence Of The Lambs.


What AM I going to do today after cooking/dishes/laundry/exercising/facebooking/house cleaning/ and sneaking chocolate?

* Feed a baby panda at the zoo.

* Pour myself a glass of pinot grigio.

* Cuddle my chinchillas.

* Make sure I have enough toilet paper for the week.

* Play tug-of-war with my pug.

* Kick off my high heels and dance to my own tune---the Hokey Pokey!


......and then take a long nap.....


Posted by at 72 comments:
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