I like rodents. I feed squirrels by hand in my garden and have a menagerie of nocturnal critters in my home. At one point our family owned 2 albino rats, a sugar glider (flying squirrel), 7 chinchillas, a hedgehog and one lard ass rabbit....proof that I do indeed like rodents. I do NOT, however, like the uninvited ones who take a detour into my house. I grew up watching horror movies like Willard and Ben, and like every child from that era, had nightmares of rats descending on my body, gnawing off a limb or two, picking my bones clean.
Imagine my surprise recently when I came home from the gym, stripped down for a shower and hopped onto my bed for a quick peek at Facebook....when the unthinkable occurred. Something gray scurried across my bedroom floor. My hands froze on the keyboard. What the hell was THAT? I waited a moment....but nothing happened. Just my imagination playing tricks on me. I resumed typing. Wait...what was that rustling sound in the corner? I ignored it.
And then that terrible moment when I looked up from my laptop and saw IT----the black sheep cousin of the squirrel family----a gray rat staring up at me.
"AHHHHHH!!!!!"
The rat seemed equally horrified to see me in my birthday suit and quickly darted under the dresser (I briefly wondered if my being naked might have that effect on humans, too). Holy hell in a hand basket! I'm the Squirrel Whisperer, not a Rat Whisperer!
"Ohmygawd, ohmygawd, ohmygawd!!!" Of course no one else was home to catch the vile creature, because this is typically the kind of crap that always happens just to me. I was suddenly cast in the sequel to Willard and I knew the outcome wasn't going to be good.
My heart was racing as I furiously typed a message to my Facebook friends: "HEEELP MEEE!" Moments later, that rat bastard scurried out again, took one look at me and dashed under the bed----right beneath me.
There I was, perched naked on my bed like a stone gargoyle, terrified of dipping one toe off the mattress.....afraid Willard might gnaw on it.
I'm not sure how long I stayed that way, but the messages came pouring in on my Facebook page:
"Get a frying pan and kill that little bastard...but be sure to video tape it..."
"What? No! Gross! Oh GAWD, I can hear it making scritchety, scratchety sounds."
"That's your baby rat, snickering under your bed, trying to find a way to crawl up there and visit you."
"NOOOOO!"
"He's making a nest in your box spring."
"You are NOT helping the situation! Seriously, I need to get in the shower now. If you don't hear from me again, Willard killed me..."
"Where's that bad-ass pug of yours? He'll get the rat."
"My pug wears a diaper---what does THAT tell you?"
"If you had a ferret like I used to, he'd maul the rat."
"I can't even get off my bed! How in holy hell am I supposed to get to the pet store to buy a ferret?"
"You'll have to move or burn down the house..."
"Get some industrial sized, ass-kicking boots!"
"I'm going to sick my ninja chinchillas on the rat. I know that damn stalker rodent is still in the house, somewhere..."
"I think your chinchillas will just party down with him. They might even show him where all the good munchies are."
" How am I going to sleep in my room tonight? Totally skeeved here..."
Rather than live in fear every time I entered my bedroom, I tried to think of the rat as a sweet natured rodent straight out of a Beatrix Potter tale. I named him Edgar and I imagined him hanging out with
Peter The Rabbit in a tiny blue vest with reading glasses on his nose as he sipped tea and read the stacks of trashy romance novels stashed under my bed. I assumed he'd make a soft bed out of the dust motes that swirled around the corners of my room and live off the stale crusts of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that my son was so fond of leaving around the house. But every night when I went to bed, I pulled the covers over my head and prayed that I would not wake to little rat hands twisting my hair into a comfy nest.
Peter The Rabbit in a tiny blue vest with reading glasses on his nose as he sipped tea and read the stacks of trashy romance novels stashed under my bed. I assumed he'd make a soft bed out of the dust motes that swirled around the corners of my room and live off the stale crusts of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that my son was so fond of leaving around the house. But every night when I went to bed, I pulled the covers over my head and prayed that I would not wake to little rat hands twisting my hair into a comfy nest.
A week later I discovered a horrible odor emanating from my laundry room. Someone suggested that perhaps it was the stink of sweaty gym clothes left in the laundry basket, or that maybe my teenaged son hadn't showered in awhile. But I knew immediately what I was dealing with----rat zombie stench. Edgar had donned his little, white Elvis suit and left the building. Sure enough---behind the washing machine we discovered a fuzzy, little carcass chillin' with eleven pairs of socks that had mysteriously disappeared from the laundry in 2009.
Au Revoir Edgar, and may you find true happiness in that great big cheese ball in the sky.
I would have moved out and let him have the house!
ReplyDeleteI thought about it.....
DeleteEEEWWWW!!! I hate rats! What a funny experience! I hope it wont happen to me!
ReplyDeleteCuteyPatutyCrochet
It was horrifying at the time...but at least I can laugh about it now...
DeleteI don't like mice or rats... I had an infestation of mice a few years back... I ended up getting my kitty I have now and. if I even have one, she tracks it down and kills it... good kitty :-)
ReplyDeleteMy 2 dogs just looked at it and shrugged. Guess they don't have the hunting instinct in them. Time to buy a cat!
DeleteAnother hilarious look into your life. You always make me laugh, even if underneath it my skin is crawling... Eww...
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure which is worse--rats or cockroaches. They both make my skin crawl...but hey, at least I got a blog post out of it!
DeleteBTW--some of that conversation in the post came from your brother!!
DeleteHaha!!! I had no idea you were totally naked. That makes even funnier. So glad that sucker died! Great post. I laughed the whole time.
ReplyDeletexoxo
-Ellen
You were right there with me , skeeving me out with the frying pan comment and suggesting he was living in my box springs...I still think about that every night when I crawl into bed Lol!
DeleteI would have died a slow death if it were just me and a rat in the house alone. Seriously, I am not scared of much, but definitely don't like rats. Think it comes from growing up in Queens!! But love how you had him living it up with Peter Rabbit!! SEriously, you have some imagination, lol!! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Janine! My mind does wander into parts unknown....
DeleteGosh, my heart started racing as I read this. Naked, alone, and with a RAT in the same room? I probably would have busted out of a window and run screaming down the street...
ReplyDeleteI was trapped--naked--couldn't move! But oh yeah, I wanted to run out of there like the house was on fire!
DeleteSo your American Indian name would be She Who Facebooks Naked With Rats! My sister is She Who Showers With Bats. I don't have interesting Native American names...
ReplyDeleteYou can have the rats. I think I'll stick with the mice.
Give me a minute and I'll think up an Indian name for you....!
DeleteI never would have made it out alive because my frail heart would have stopped. However, a few months ago we had a rat in our attic and Uncle Jeffy set rat traps with peanut butter, and SNAP, he killed that sucker in a matter of hours.
ReplyDeleteThat's the thing---I can't stand killing anything---I don't even want to HEAR a rat trap snap! The Hubs shoots them with his pellet gun when he sees them outside--and even that skeeves me out. I'm such a wuss.....
DeleteLOL!! I bought my husband tickets to a Red Wings Game (an hour away from our house) when a bat decided to make its appearance inside of our house. I called everyone I knew, most of who said to sting it w/a tennis racket swat and take it outside.
ReplyDeleteI knew I couldn't.
I threw a book at him (don't judge me, I was scared). He flew. My daughter and I screamed. We locked ourselves (in case he could move door handles) in my bedroom until daddy-o got home and hoped he wouldn't squeeze under the door to exact his revenge. It's harrowing just thinking about it. ;)
Had it been a rat, I might have died.
Oh this is too funny!!!! See, I'm not afraid of bats--my sister used to work at a wild bird care center and once brought home a whole group of baby bats. We had to feed them and take care of them until they were ready to be on their own. I fell in love with the little critters. I'd probably have one as a pet if it wasn't illegal....
DeleteYou are far braver than I. :)
DeleteI used to have a friend who made fun of the fact that I fed the squirrels. he would say "they're rats with bushy tails" and scoff at me. But having a rat or squirrel in my house, ya, seriously not appealing!
ReplyDeleteA squirrel I could easily handle--they HAVE come into my house before and I just coaxed them back outside with a peanut. But a rat....he just kept scurrying around and freaking me out!
DeleteI loved how you turned the scary rat into a friend in your mind and how you pictured it. You painted that picture for me as I was reading.
ReplyDeleteLoved it, you are an amazing writer!
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much, Heather! I appreciate you visiting me and saying such a nice thing about my writing! XO
DeleteOh this is too funny! You should join our linkup! In the fall, I came home to a chipmunk in our house! I think our cats bring things in to play with. At any rate he scurried across the floor, I screamed, the thing ran into the bathroom and I closed the door and told the kids to stay away! The poor thing was stuck in there until my husband got home. He took the screen off the window and gave it a ramp up (a board for it to climb up) and the chipmunk went on its merry way. But it spent several hours in the bathroom first!
ReplyDeleteI probably would have tried to use my squirrel whisperer skills on the chipmunk and kept him as a pet!
DeleteMaybe you should have started by saying that your family owned a 'farm', ha ha ha. And I do remember the film Ben, that put me off rodents for the rest of my life. How scary it is to see something run past real quick from the corner of your eye. I would have fled the house naked, and at times like these, I don't care what the neighbours say and I would have kept running....
ReplyDeleteWhat you need is a set of cats whenever you get a rat. They usually do the trick in quick time. Glad to read this as I was on a spiral downer...
Whenever you feel yourself heading toward a spiral downer, you just come see me and I promise to make you smile, RPD! I know it makes me smile just so see you here!
DeleteI hate rats. We get rats the size of cats in our ceiling in winter. Gives me absolute nightmares.
ReplyDeleteGreat post as always.
xoxo
The size of cats?? Oh, I would definitely have to move or burn the house down!
DeleteYUCK!!! I have goose bumps just reading this. Any ideas on how it got in?? Maybe he assumed he was welcome because of all the other varmints you have living there. If a rat ever invades my living space, it is time to MOVE!!
ReplyDeleteI think he came in through the laundry room--we found a hole behind the water heater. But yeah, maybe he was sneaking in to party with the chinchillas!
DeleteI'd be hanging naked from the ceiling fan. Still. Forever.
ReplyDeleteUntil someone turns the fan on.....like the rat!
DeleteI'm so in love with your ninja chinchillas, that I totally forgot about the rat grossing me out. My favorite line is, "..fuzzy little carcass chillin' with 11 pairs of socks..." Poor little guy.
ReplyDeleteI did feel bad about that--but I prefer to think that he died of natural causes rather than see my husband shoot him or something. And yes, my ninja chinchillas are a pretty awesome bunch!
DeleteHA HA! I'm like that with spiders. Every spider is the size of a mini-poodle in my mind and I freak out! A natural death is much better than...well, you know. Ouch! :)
ReplyDeleteSpiders are pretty creepy but for me, the absolute WORST is palmetto bugs--the cadillac- sized cockroaches we have here in South Florida! Nothing, not even a rat, scares me as much as those things!
DeleteHysterical! No but really I would have been out on my front lawn birthday suit and all! You would ha e heard about me on the news. Next time call me I'll send my pal the bear over to eat the rat and we'll kill two birds with one stone so to speak. Love this post I laughed through it all. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you liked it! Well, it sounds like bear isn't afraid of rats, unlike my cowardly pug. If it happens again I will definitely call you...and I'll even make us a batch of margaritas to celebrate!
DeleteSeriously meno mama, I cannot read any of your posts without needing a diaper myself. Those Facebook replies, were absolutely priceless. :)
ReplyDeleteThank God for Facebook friends---they helped me get through it--otherwise I just might have been tempted to torch the house!
DeleteOh lordy almighty!
ReplyDeleteThe creepy creatures ALWAYS know when we are alone. Its like their own sick twisted sence of humour "Watch this guys, I'm gonna get this human! *insert evil laugh*" I'm sleeping with my broom tonight!
I love how you still made this very comical.
xoxox
It's so true!! This shit only happens to me when I'm home alone!! It's like the creepy crawlers have their radar trained on me or something....
DeleteFunny Funny Post – however, had that experience happened to me, I would NOT have been laughing, so I guess you could say that I'm laughing at your expense. Hope you don't mind :)
ReplyDeleteThat's OK--I love having people laugh at my expense--that's what this blog is all about!
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ReplyDeleteHa... I'm still trying to wrap my head around that 1st paragraph!!! ALL those "critters." God Bless You...
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed, as usual. Have a great weekend, Slu
Thanks, Slu! Yeah, those are my little babies. See, I DO like rodents!!!
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ReplyDeleteThis was too funny! oh my I would have died if a rat had been in my house!!!!
ReplyDeleteOr sit naked on a bed for a few hours waiting for the rat to leave!
DeleteWhat a riot. I tried to give you my best ideas at the time... Sorry I couldn't save you from the emotional trauma and obvious PTSD. I think you should probably go get that ferret now before Edger's brother moves in! ;)
ReplyDeleteI think you're right---got any ferrets you wanna sell?
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ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteDamn Spammers! :)
DeleteI get a ton of them now since I got rid of the Captcha. If they were at least FUNNY I would comment back!
DeleteI've never been fond of rats and I don't think I would have handled it as well as you did. But I love the letter at the end. LOL
ReplyDeleteMaybe the letter scared him off? Lol!
Deletehello menopausal mother
ReplyDeletesorry not visit your blog for a long time...
How are you menopausal mother..?
i miss you so much
TiranaAduka visit you today..
have a nice day...
I am so happy to see you here today! I'll be sure to stop by your site and say hello!
DeleteYour blog is great. I just started mine and would love anyone to stop by and check it out! Thanks! www.happierhappenings.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteWell thank you for choosing my blog as one of your stops! I'll be sure to swing by and say hello on your site, too!
DeleteI'm with you on this one. Get out of here NOW!
ReplyDeleteFunny post.
Have a terrific day filled with smiles. ☺
Seeing your nice comment made my day better already! Thanks!
DeleteThat's how I feel about spiders! I almost took down a wall trying to smash a big black bastard last summer. I say burn the place down and rebuild. Just to be safe :)
ReplyDeleteFortunately we seldom get spiders...of course now that I just said that, I may have jinxed myself...maybe burning the house down really IS the best option....
DeleteOMG how scary!!! But you make it so funny. You're so good at that! Good thing you didn't see it while you were on the air!!!!
ReplyDeleteOMG could you IMAGINE?? I would have been all calm and then everyone would have heard, "OH MY F-ING GAWD THERE IS RAT IN MY HOUSE!!!! AHHHHH!' MessyMoms Radio would probably never ask me back again....hahaha!
DeleteHaha yiiikes!
ReplyDeleteI have a sad story about a hamster I had for a very short period of time.
Living in NYC, sleeping on an air mattress, and we had mice. We had lots of them. I set up a few traps. I set up the sticky kind. And I plugged in one of those things that makes a real high pitched noise to also keep mice away. Shortly after, I bought a hamster as a pet (never had one before). And within a week, the poor guy died. I think that the high pitched device drove him crazy. :( I felt really bad!
But I get your frustration with mice. They're just icky. And they can creep through teeny tiny little spaces, which is just NOT cool.
I think all the rodents are adorable outside but once they get into my private space---not so cute anymore!
DeleteI would have FREAKED the EFF out! I'm scared of everything. My hubs always says he can't tell by the sound of my screams whether it's a spider or an axe murderer in the house. And I'll say, "Oh, there's a difference?"
ReplyDeleteHahaha!! That is GREAT!!! I scream like that over cockroaches---they freak me out worse than rats!
DeleteThis design is steller! You certainly know how to keep a reader entertained.
ReplyDeleteBetween your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost.
..HaHa!) Wonderful job. I really enjoyed what you had to say, and more than that,
how you presented it. Too cool!
Take a look at my webpage; golden Lab retrievers
It's incredible how the appearance of one small, furry creature can send modern folks like us into a tizzy. In my house, even the sighting of a spider will cause the kids and wife the scurry, scamper, and seek higher ground until Daddy, who is equally skeeved but hides it better, can do something about it.
ReplyDeleteWonderfully funny - enjoyed!
Hi John! So happy to see you here! Yeah, my husband SAYS he isn't afraid of the creepy crawlies, but he tip- toes around them with a broom and a shoe and jumps at the slightest sound!
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ReplyDeletehahaha! I remember the day you said you had a new visitor. Sorry it ended up the way it did for Edgar, but he really should have been invited in first, don't you think? I now want a lard-assed bunny. Oh, I love you, girl. Too funny.
ReplyDeleteYou want lard-ass bunny, he's all yours! He is responsible for half my weekly grocery bill! Love seeing you here, Michele. Love you! <3
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ReplyDeleteOh my goodness! I would be SO freaked out! Your note at the end was hysterical :) You've got this thing!
ReplyDeleteLet's just hope none of Edgar's relatives decide to get revenge......
DeleteHA! What a fun post. Funny, isn't it, but there's a BIG difference between a pet rodent and an uninvited one who's got the audacity to make scary scritchy noises and poop all over the house. (Or in our case, the attic.)
ReplyDeleteOh I know! I can hear them in that attic at night sometimes--and that's OK as long as they don't come into the house!!!
DeleteThanks for showing us the extremem difference in rodents and hooking up on the Hump Day Hook Up
ReplyDeleteHaha! Rodents seem to be my specialty!
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ReplyDeleteROFLMAO - ok, I am with you - I would have been totally skeeved and not been able to sleep with the rat being there ... but I *do* love your made up Beatrix Potter life for him. :-) I am found you via the bloglovin' hop :-)
ReplyDeleteMelanie
My Imperfect...
Happy to have you here Melanie and thanks for the follow!
DeleteSorry about your rat-attack!!
ReplyDeleteI use to have 2 chillas...they would always find a way to break out of their cages - it was a cospircay!! Or, hormonal, because after every great escape came little chilla babies....the cutest little things in the world!! I still have books and remote controls that they nibbled on while on the lamb. Thanks for sharing - stopping by from Paula's No Rules link-up.
You are the first blogger I have met who had chinchillas! A lot of people dint even know what they are! And oh yes, they are BIG nibblers! Thanks for the visit!
DeleteHi i am kavin, its my first time to commenting anywhere, when i read this piece of writing i
ReplyDeletethought i could also create comment due to this sensible article.
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Bwahahaha! We're so sisters! And I raised chins too! Also guinea pigs, hamsters, bunnies and mice. Love the little furry varmints. When they stay
ReplyDeletewhere they are supposed to!!! Out of my underwear drawer!!!
You and I must be ling lost twins, I swear….
Delete