I am beyond thrilled to introduce you to today's WWW guest! Say hello to Amy Sherman of Witfaced! I feel very fortunate to have met Amy at the ERMA 2014 convention last April and let me tell you, this lady is FUNNY!!! She's also very kind and sweet to everyone she meets. I adore her and admire her unique sense of humor. Not only is Amy an exceptional writer, she also does a killer stand-up routine that I was lucky enough to see at the convention. She had everyone there in stitches and I knew immediately that this talented woman was bound for a successful career in the world of comedy.Please welcome the lovely and hilarious Amy Sherman to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!
QUIZ WHIZ
FB personality quizzes. Love them? Hate them? Have a life and never heard of them?
They are total bunk, yet I read the designated answer that applies to me so intensely you would think I just spent an hour with my shrink and was getting actual feedback. (Like that ever happens.)
When some of these ridiculous quizzes pop up in my feed, I berate myself for participating, while anticipating how accurate each one will be. Because, honestly? I love to read about me. I love to simplify me. I. Love. Me. And isn’t that what all these quizzes are all about?
I have no idea who programs the algorithms that lead to the selected Disney Princess (Jasmine), my mental age (12), or Which World Cup Player Should I Hook Up With, but the questions are as fascinating as the answers. And I have to make choices. Sometimes hard ones. Like choosing between red wine, white wine, sangria, gin & tonic, or a margarita, for a First Date preference. I drink Tito’s and vodka isn’t even on the list! I worry how each click will affect my final result. It’s unnerving.
BTW, I have to book a flying carpet to Poland or Germany because I got World Cup player, Lukas Podolski. (Never heard of him.) I hope he likes mentally-underaged-girls, in middle-aged bodies, that believe they are some type of animated Princess.
Fuck it. I’ll probably just hook up with the whole damn team. I mean, if I’m going to all that trouble, I may as well make it worth my while. My 12-year-old mind assures me I’ll be fine, and my 59-year-old body knows the score, so I’m jumping onto my hand-loomed rug and heading to Europe. Maybe I’ll get a yellow card. At least I hope something gets fouled.
When I return, I will be taking my own quiz, personally developed to help everyone better understand themselves. Feel free to pass it around. That’s what quizzes and STD’s are for. You’re welcome.
“Which STD are you?”
LET’S PLAY!
Which is you favorite color?
a. Purple
b. White
c. Red
d. Yellow
Red
Syphilis: You are often mistaken for someone else. You can be rash in judging others. If you neglect yourself for too long, you may not be able to recover. Don’t get sore, get help. You’re considered pretty old-fashioned and penicillin is your best friend. You are actually more benign than you think and should be grateful to be recognized early and often.
Yellow
HPV: You are not unique in any way. You are quite social, but sometimes wish you were more discerning. You love meeting friends for a little shopping and Chardonnay. Your main philosophy in life is, “Who cares? I just wanna have fun.” And you did. And here you are, wishing you had been born after a good stiff shot (in the arm, not down your throat) could have made a difference.
White
Herpes: You are quick to share. You are generally calm, but occasionally your temper flares up and you express yourself with blistering diatribes. Regardless, you remain an incurable romantic. (Incurable being the operative word.) Don’t be the butt of everyone’s jokes, just be happy to spread the wealth.
Purple
HIV: You like to fly under the radar, have anal tendencies, and prefer to lie dormant until you absolutely must reveal yourself. Some people are afraid of you, while others think they are not even within your reach. Don’t let that stop you from becoming close with others. Just choose your friends carefully and try to have a bigger impact on your sworn enemies. They kind of have it coming.
BIO:
Amy Hartl Sherman is a writer, poet, cartoonist and humorist. She is a graduate of the University of Illinois with a B.S. in Communications, an improv comedian, and a retired flight attendant. Amy currently resides in Glen Ellyn, Illinois with her husband, a parakeet missing one toe, a Chihuahua, and a parakeet-toe-chomping Dachshund. Her sons escaped unharmed. You can read her blog Witfaced here: http://www.witfaced.com
Okay... I have decided I don't like any of these colors... lol
ReplyDeleteI don't take the quizzes on FB but I do get a kick out of reading what other people get... most times it is good for a laugh:)
I am not sure I could handle reading what mental age FB thinks I am... 12 might be good.. hahaha
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ReplyDeleteLaura! I can find other "colors" for you to choose from. STD's are almost limitless. It's important to know who you are. Without FB quizzes, I might not know myself at all. Thanks for checking this quiz out!
DeleteCorrection: Luanna. I'm going blind with syphilis...
DeleteThanks Amy lol... but I think I will pass on the color... haha :)
DeleteThis is so funny...now I realize I should have been taking the damned quizzes & booking tickets instead of raging at my screen wishing fb had a free form field where I could *really* tell them what I think (and prove that I am the age fb seems to think I am...)
ReplyDeleteCindy, thanks for the read. What kind of commenter are you? a. The best!
DeleteHILARIOUS! You know, they actually got my real age right. Scary. But they are BS. Yours are best.
ReplyDeleteCarol, you're the greatest, whatever your age. Color me contagious.
DeleteAmy, this is too much! Hysterical! My career and my writing would be much farther along if I stayed away from FB quizzes!
ReplyDeleteAstra, what kind of writer are you? a. My favorite!
DeleteWhen you fly to meet up with Podolski (yes, I do know who he is), wouldn't you rather SCOOOOOOORRE a GOOOOOOooooooool than foul out? He is young, athletic, rich, and cute so scoring is in line!
ReplyDeleteKymberly, you KNOW it!
DeleteHa! And how sad is it that the color I picked (Purple) pretty much accurately reflects me.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if that means I really AM 80% Southern.
Bless your heart.
Jenn, you are 100% not an enemy. Thanks for the read!
DeleteWonder if your favorite color quiz will go viral on FB? It has potential!
ReplyDeleteSTD's are truly viral, right? Thanks!
DeleteI get so mad at myself for taking those time sucking quizzes but I guess I must like reading about me too.
ReplyDeleteHow in the world did the parakeet lose it's toe? The poor thing.
Doreen, I had the cage on the floor. Ditto(the parakeet) clung to the side because he wants to be with the dogs. New dog, Sadie, grabbed ahold and dragged the cage via his toe. I thought his foot was just injured and took immediate action. Not until he was fully healed did I realize he was one short. Tough bird. Dangerous Dachshund.
ReplyDeleteI'm one of those lame people who hasn't seen a FB quiz before :( I picked yellow - wish I was more unique :) Very funny stuff...
ReplyDeleteLana, the fact that you haven't seen a FB quiz makes you very unique! Thanks for taking the time.
DeleteOh my goodness this was a funny post and I am HIV which is not funny but at the same time funny because well if we don't laugh at these silly quizzes we would get all stressed out over nothing important
ReplyDeleteJo-Anne, thank you for being brave enough to reveal your result. I'm here for you if you need me.
DeleteGood read! I have a love hate relationship with quizzes also...I'm a sucker for every one!
ReplyDeletePhyllis, thank you for being suckered into my quiz.
DeleteDammit! Syphilis. Why do I always get syphilis? I mean...uh...
ReplyDeleteI have to admit, I'm a complete sucker for these quizzes, even though I suspect some of them have only one result. Because...ME!
You are a pain in the something Linda, so I'm not surprised at all. Quiz on!
DeleteSo funny, Amy! My last newspaper column was about those damn FB quizzes that I somehow can never pass up even though the answers are totally bogus. I guess great minds think alike - although, leave it to you to come up with STDs!!!
ReplyDeleteHoly brilliance, Betsy! I was on vacation and missed your fun column. We are evil twins.
DeleteI always know when I come here that I'm going to laugh my ass off. It never fails!
ReplyDeleteOh how scary.
ReplyDeleteI used to have a parakeet and a dog that slept on my bed together whenever I wasn't in it. They didn't like sleeping with me.
A round of applause (or should I say many claps) for your STD quiz. Like you, even though my head knows they are a load of nonsense, I can't help participating.
ReplyDeleteAnd what do I have if green is my favorite color? Gonorrhea, I suppose, if my genitals are broadly the same shade!
Your comments are very catchy, Bryan. Thanks for transmitting them here.
ReplyDelete