Menopausal Mother

     Since becoming an empty nester, I now have plenty of time to socialize with friends, write my memoir, or snag an hour for yoga. I no longer have to worry about planning trips around my children's school schedules or fret over what to feed a family of six. EVERYTHING in life is easier.

     But it wasn't always this way. My life was once chaotic and stressful, although I must admit, I loved staying busy. It gave me a sense of purpose. Now that the kids have moved out, my priorities have changed, and sometimes it feels weird not to have a strict schedule to follow.

     I look at young mothers today and wonder how they do it all while remaining tethered to the internet. I try to imagine what my life would have been like raising four kids if I'd had a computer in my home and a cell phone in my pocket.

     Distracted. That's what I would have been.

     My children were born between 1987 and 1995. I was a stay-at-home mom, and yes, sometimes it got pretty lonely being cooped up in a small house with four children under the age of eight. If I wanted social interaction, I had to drag my little beastlings to the gym where there was free daycare and I could do an aerobic workout for an hour with my friends. If that wasn't possible, there were always the Mommy & Me classes that were so popular in the late 80's. I made quite a few mom friends through the program, and we kept in touch by meeting at the park with our kids or hosting lunchtime playdates.

     If I wanted to stay connected by phone, it took a bit of planning. Our house had a landline with a long, curly cord in our living room. Whenever the kids were occupied watching a VHS tape (it was either that or the PBS channel---our options were extremely limited), I would set up their snacks, quickly pull the corded phone into the next room for a little privacy, and chat for approximately 30 minutes---or until the video ended.

     Long distance friendships were even harder to maintain. The calling fees were too expensive, so most of my relationships existed through handwritten letters. I recall writing 30 page letters to some of my best friends and waiting eagerly by the mailbox for their response two weeks later. Snail mail was the only way to stay connected, but it made us appreciate the time and effort it took to write a handwritten letter. It proved to the writer and the recipient that they mattered.

     If cell phones had been around back then, I know I would have been preoccupied texting my friends and sharing silly videos on Instagram, because I'm the type of person who is easily sucked into social media. God bless the mothers today who aren't, but as for me, I know I'd be curled up on the sofa far too long with my phone, scrolling through photos and Facebook updates while my kids played nearby.

     A night out to dinner with the kids in tow was also never an easy feat. They became bored after the first ten minutes, got antsy waiting for their food, and were always in a hurry to get back home once they'd finished eating. It was up to my husband and me to keep them occupied at the table. We told funny stories, drew in their coloring books, or played tic-tac-toe on the paper placemats....anything to keep them busy. As much as I enjoyed those times, there was always the stress of eating quickly (hello, heartburn) and praying that no one would have a meltdown in the restaurant.

     I'm pretty sure that if iPads and cellphones existed when my children were young, I would have been sorely tempted to use them to keep my kids entertained while my husband and I enjoyed a glass of wine before dinner.

     The same goes for vacations, which were even more of a challenge. We once drove from south Florida to Missouri for spring vacation, and the 24 hour drive was interminable. Staring out the car window at a flat landscape with the occasional appearance of a cow was not great entertainment for a five-year-old. The best we could do was arm our kids with headphones and storybook tapes for their cassette players. When that became tiring for them, my husband and I popped children's sing-a-long tapes into the car's stereo and sang goofy songs with them until our eyes glazed over. The only thing that saved us from losing our sanity during that road trip was when the kids finally became drowsy and fell asleep---but even then we had to whisper, and we couldn't play the radio too loud for fear of waking them. Let's just say that by the time that trip was over, children's songs like Raffi's "Baby Beluga" were a constant ear worm that took months to get rid of.

     If we'd had access to games on cellphones and tablets for our kids, our road trips would have been ten times less stressful. And I wouldn't have been stuck for weeks with kid songs in my head.

     How is all of this different from what mothers are experiencing today? I'm not going to say that they have it better or worse---every generation has its own challenges. Social media is a great way for moms to stay connected to the outside world, and to seek advice or find like-minded parents who are struggling with similar childrearing issues. There are tons of online mommy groups and pediatric websites that make searching for answers literally just a click away. We never had this luxury; sometimes it took hours to get through to a doctor in the middle of the night and numerous trips to the emergency room just to get medication for a simple infection, since most pharmacies closed by 10:00 p.m.

     Honestly, back in the 80's and 90's, I would have enjoyed staying in constant contact with my friends via emails, texts and social media, but I would NOT have liked living my life under a public microscope where everyone would have been free to judge my parenting skills. There's very little privacy nowadays, but a whole lot of criticism floating around, and as a young mother, I cannot imagine living with that burden while trying to raise my kids. From disciplinary tactics to eating organic or non-organic foods, everyone has an opinion, and no parent is immune from being judged on their decisions.

     I'm also extremely grateful that cellphone photos and videos did not exist when I was a young. Once that stuff is out in the internet, you can never erase it. No one needs to see that photo taken eons ago on my friend's Kodak camera of me being carried out of a party after I'd had one too many vodka tonics. Nope. That evidence from my partying days was burned, and my kids will one day be thankful for being spared from seeing it.

     Now that I'm an empty nester, I have all the time in the world to indulge in my social media connections. I love the freedom of it, but given half the chance, I wouldn't trade it for the internet-free time that I spent with my children while they were growing up....Baby Beluga and all.


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week you can catch me on Pickle Fork with The Three Stages Of A High School Reunion and on Reality Moms with 9 Reasons I Love Having Adult Children.