Menopausal Mother

   
      When my husband celebrated his fortieth birthday, he received quite an array of "Over The Hill" gifts---denture cream, thick-lensed eye glasses, fiber pills, hemorrhoid cream, a plastic cane and a bottle of Gas-X. Luckily, when I turned forty, people were much kinder. I received mostly wine and imported chocolates (my gal pals know me so well).  But not everyone is this fortunate. We all have that relative or friend who has absolutely NO CLUE what to give as a gift, so they try to find something clever. Clever does not always mean fun. Sometime clever means, "I wouldn't be caught dead in this thing and it's going in our next garage sale." Yes, I know it's the thought that counts and that I should be grateful…. but sometimes I have to wonder what my friends and family were thinking while they were shopping. Do I look the the type of person who would want a statue of a grizzly bear gnawing on a salmon in the middle of my living room?  Or a pink bunny shower curtain? Just hand me a roast beef sandwich and I'll be happy.

     Here are some gifts that NO ONE wants to unwrap on their birthday, but if you have a few "frenemies" with upcoming birthdays, then this might be your go-to list.

1. A toilet plunger with a big bow tied around it. What does this say about the person you're giving it to?

2.  A large cookbook for eating healthy and losing weight. Add a scale to the package and you might just lose your friend for good.

3.  Candles shaped like zoo animals. Watching the head of a giraffe melt into a pool of wax is rather disturbing.

4.  A buy-one-get-one-free deal for a flu shot. Skip it. They'd probably rather have a different kind of shot….like the one that comes in a small glass and feels like fire going down your throat.

5. Sky diving tickets. This makes a great gift if your friend is an adventurous daredevil. A person with a healthy fear of heights? Not so much. You'll need to include an oxygen mask and a defibrillator.

6.  A gift certificate to the "Kinky & Stinky Sex Toy Shop." I shouldn't have to explain why this is wrong on so many levels.

7. Two nights at a bed & breakfast….in Teheran.  It's fine to travel around the world on your birthday, but if you expect to celebrate another one next year, stay far, far away from this place.

8.  A pair of Spanx.  See item #2 above.

9.  Tickets to the Feline Frenzy Cat Show.  This might be an interesting experience if the recipient  fills their pockets with tuna and sits in the front row.

10.  A Groupon discount to attend a yodeling contest.  While you're at it, why not throw in an Alpine horn so that the person who receives this gift can star in the next Ricola commercial?

11.  Precious Moments Figurine. Unless your friend is in her seventies and addicted to the QVC shopping network, this item will surely end up in a garage sale.


13.  A faux Picasso painting bought from a neighbor's yard sale. Save your two bucks and coax your four-year-old to finger paint your friend's portrait.

14.  A police siren/taser alarm clock.  If the person who receives this gift doesn't jump out of bed after the first 30 seconds of the siren, the clock guarantees to taser them awake. Great incentive not to be late for work.

15. Creepy Clown Lantern. Items like this are the reason so many children end up on a psychiatrist's couch when they're adults.

16.  A Do-It-Yourself-At-Home colonoscopy kit.  If you're giving someone this gift, be sure to include bathroom cleaning supplies. And an air freshener.

17.  A sequined zebra print hat with matching striped vest. This is fine as long as the recipient isn't planning an African safari. A jaguar might mistake them for wild game.

18.  Mooing cow in a can. The only person who might appreciate this gift is a homesick, transplanted farmer stuck in New York City.
19. Onesie pajamas with drop seats…for adults. Be sure to add an adult-sized bottle, bib and pacifier to enhance this gift.

20.  A misshapen coffee mug that resembles an alien's head or an unidentifiable animal. Just because you made the mug in your last ceramics class doesn't mean you can pass it off as a piece of contemporary art.



     If you receive any of these obnoxious presents on your birthday, look on the bright side---they can always be sold in a garage sale or re-gifted at your next "Secret Santa" holiday office party. Who wouldn't appreciate an oil painting of Moby Dick swallowing a ship or a pair sequin kitty underwear?




Want more Meno Mama? This week I'm on Humor Outcasts sharing what's in my SPAM folder!   Read it here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2015/got-spam/