I
love my neighborhood. The majority of families on my street are
friendly and helpful. We’ve been through hurricanes together,
survived marital squabbles, conquered a flu epidemic, and dealt with
a bout of head lice that kept everyone quarantined and scratching
their heads for months.
There is a cozy
feeling of unity among us, and I’m fortunate to live in such a
peaceful community. But it wasn’t always this way. I once lived
next to psycho neighbors who snipped our Christmas lights, poisoned
our plants, and filmed us whenever we ventured outside. The day those
whackadoodles moved was the day I did a little happy dance in the
yard as their U-Haul pulled away from the curb.
They say fences make
good neighbors. This is especially true if you’re dealing with any
of these characters on your block:
The Nosy
Neighbors.
These people spy on the comings and goings of everyone on the street.
They know what you ate for dinner, who your favorite drinking buddies
are, where your kids spent the night, and how much you spent to sod
your yard. A ten-foot fence isn’t high enough to keep their nose
out of your business.
The Partiers.
I love a good party, just not at 3:00 a.m., right outside my bedroom
window. Loud karaoke, swimming pools, and cheap booze do not mix.
The Trash
Collector. This
neighbor’s yard is the eyesore of the street. His property is a
graveyard for broken-down cars, rust-bucket boats, and dilapidated
trailers, all hiding in grass that hasn’t seen a mower since the
Clinton administration. If you’re looking for a used stove or
refrigerator, you’ll find plenty on his front lawn.
The Noise Maker.
Oblivious that some people actually need sleep, this guy starts
revving his diesel truck well before the sun comes up, eliminating
the neighborhood’s need for alarm clocks. He also mows his lawn,
trims the hedges, and pressure cleans the house before you’ve had
your first sip of coffee. Somebody needs to slip a Valium into this
joker’s cup of java.
The
Pot Stirrers. These
troublemakers have too much time and alcohol on their hands, and they
thrive on stirring up trouble. Their goal is to pit neighbor against
neighbor and husband against wife by spreading lies and nasty rumors.
Obviously they missed their true calling—as scriptwriters
for Telemundo soaps.
The Pet Hoarders.
Forget stamp collecting. These people collect unneutered dogs and
cats, who roam the streets and mate
faster than mice in a pet store.
These flea-infested pets howl and bark all night, keeping the entire
block awake.
