I'm counting down the years until
the last of my four children moves out of the house. I get giddy at
the prospect of being an empty nester. While there are some parents
who might dread this phase of life, I know I'll embrace the newfound
freedom of an unscheduled calendar. No more P.T.A. meetings, teacher
conferences, football games, homework squabbles, band practice or
bake sales. I dream of the day I can lock the front door, hop in the
RV and hit the road to Margaritaville.
There are numerous advantages to
being an empty nester:
*The laundry room will no longer
look like I it has been hit by an atomic bomb of dirty clothes.
*The liquor cabinet that was once
locked down tighter than Fort Knox can now be left open for legal
libations.
*Our extra bedrooms will no longer
resemble hotel rooms trashed by rockers and their overzealous fans
after a sold out concert.
*My electric bill will decrease
because no one will be checking the refrigerator every ten minutes to
see if new groceries have magically appeared inside.
*I won't have to wake up before
the owls go to bed to get my kid to the school bus on time.
*I can travel to exotic places
like Bore Bora. Just kidding! I'm broke after raising four kids. The
only trip I can afford now is to Walmart.
*No more stockpiling of toilet
paper, milk or socks.
*It'll take three days to fill the
dishwasher---maybe more since I'll only be cooking for two. How much
space do I need for a microwave tray, cup of soup or a bowl of Cap'n
Crunch cereal?
*Ant colonies will no longer form
on my kitchen counters to feast on donut crumbs or pizza crusts left
out by the kids the night before.
*There will be no more squabbling
over the TV remote. I can watch Cupcake Wars instead of listening to
Kim whine on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
*I won't have to conceal my
Chinese leftovers in a container marked, “Urine Sample” to fool
hungry teenagers.
*I'll finally be able to hear the
birds singing outside instead of covering my bleeding ears to the
loud, thumping bass of my son's EDM music.
*My grocery bill will be cut in
half since I'll no longer be feeding a school of piranhas at the
dinner table.
*The Hubs and I will be able to
get our freak on 24/7 without worrying that the kids will catch us
playing Little Red Riding Hood in bed with the big, bad wolf.
There is a bright light at the end
of the tunnel of motherhood and it's called, RETIREMENT....
until the circle of life comes
around and bites me in the ass with grand children. 
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