I'm a sucker for those late night
weight loss infomercials, and as a result, own a library of workout
DVDs and a machine that transforms into a torturous, in-home gym. At
first I enjoyed exercising on my own schedule in the privacy of my
home. I wore my old, ratty Lycra shorts and didn't
care if I looked like a Richard Simmons reject.
After months of listening to the
same, peppy instructors encouraging me to sweat through the pain, I
wanted to kickbox the television. It didn't help that my daily
exercise regimen included an audience of snickering children.
I ditched the DVDs in favor of a
membership at a women's gym. Now I actually look forward to my
workouts, but this enjoyment comes with a price. And I'm not talking
about the cost of a one-year membership. While most of the gym women
are considerate, there are those who make the experience less than
pleasurable:
MIRROR HOGS: These are the women who
run into class late and scoot in front to get a spot by the mirror.
Coincidentally, they're the same people who lack coordination and
throw the entire class off. I can't be responsible for what happens
if my elbow connects with their face.
YAPPERS: After living on rabbit food
for a month, the last thing I want to hear about is your orgasmic
experience with a seven layer brownie cake.
BOMBERS: These ladies drop their stink
bombs off in the gym bathroom before hitting the treadmills. I
understand the need to clean out the bowels before working out, but
do us all a favor and take your fiber supplements AFTER you exercise.
DNA SWAPPERS: Some people think nothing
of leaving sweat puddles on the equipment or hacking up a lung while
recovering from the flu. DNA samples are not necessary unless a
forensics team needs them after drawing your chalk outline on the gym
floor.
CHRONIC FARTERS: These women have blow
holes like whales and no interest in corking it for the sake of other
people's olfactory systems. When I zumba into their fart clouds, my
nose hairs feel singed and my eyes water as if I've been hit by tear
gas.
EXHIBITIONISTS: Women who come to the
gym in shorts that reveal every inch of uncovered lady bits and tank tops begging
for a Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction. Go buy a freakin' bra.
EQUIPMENT HOGS: These people get lost
in a daydream and sit for an hour on the machine instead of doing
their reps. Makes me wish I had a pocket defibrillator or a taser to
shock them into moving.
BARBIE DOLLS: You know the type.
Perfect bodies. Botoxed out the butt....and yet they whine, “OMG, I
need to lose 20 pounds!” Just. Shut. Up.
The real heroes of the gym are the
70+ crowd of ladies still shaking their retired money makers in
class. I admire their fortitude and hope to be just like them when
I'm older. Flatulence and all.
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***This week you can also find Menopausal Mother dishing on what it's like to be married to a menopausal man at: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/menopausal-man/
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***This week you can also find Menopausal Mother dishing on what it's like to be married to a menopausal man at: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/menopausal-man/
***Last but not least, Meno Mama was featured again on one of her favorite sites, The Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop! You can read my funny take on aging here: http://humorwriters.org/2014/04/04/vultures-waiting
Wish me luck, Folks-----heading out next week to my very first humor writer's conference (Erma Bombeck Conference) in Ohio!! WHOO-HOO!!!!!
