Anyone who has been married for any length of time has had their share of disagreements. I've been married for thirty years, which qualifies me as a professional "argument" arbitrator. Some of the feuds I've had with my husband have been more serious than others, but you have to know when to pick your battles to get on equal footing.The two of us come from very different backgrounds, each with our own set of emotional baggage. For the most part, we're on the same page, especially when it comes to parenting. But there are other issues in our marriage that have reduced us to foot-stomping, sulking toddlers when neither one of us is willing to give in. The issues we are argue over most include:
Children: We want the best for offspring, but sometimes we disagree about their choices. I have no problem with my children dating at the age of sixteen, but my husband would rather they wear a chastity belt until they're thirty-five.
Money: This is the one subject that consistently pops up in our disagreements, because there is never enough of it to cover our expenses. My husband would love to drop some bills on a new bicycle, while I'm out scouting deluxe critter condos for my five chinchillas. And neither one of us wants to fork over five-hundred dollars for a new water heater. Sudsing up in the oscillating lawn sprinkler just might be worth saving a few bucks.
Sex: My spouse is a morning person, and I'm a night owl. I preferred to hide my imperfections by candle light. He, on the other hand, rises with the sun and is as chipper as a toddler cracked out on Coco Puffs cereal.
Friends: Everyone has a friend that their spouse doesn't like. My husband has belligerent buddies who get drunk during sporting events and embarrass me with their rude comments. I have gal pals who love to chat it up all night over a bottle (or three) of wine. My husband refers to them as "yappers" who need to be muzzled after midnight.
Pets: My spouse would be happy if there were no pets in our house. The little accidents on the carpet and hairballs rolling around on the floor like tumbleweeds drive him to distraction. He feels that raising children is enough of a responsibility without adding critters to the mix. The night I brought home a stray bunny to add to our growing zoo population, my husband threatened to make rabbit stew. We argued for days, but he finally relented because the nibbling critter keeps his mustache hairs neatly trimmed.
Time Management: After financial issues, this is the second biggest issue on which we don't see eye to eye. When the kids were toddlers, we argued over whose turn it was to stay home and change diapers while the other person had free time with their friends. Now that we are older, free time is not an issue, since the adult kids have left the nest (and thankfully no one is still in diapers). The problem we face is trying to coordinate our schedules for family gatherings. Between strip bingo and pancake breakfasts at the Elk's Lodge, we rarely have time to schedule our colonoscopies together.
Technology: I was like a bear coming out of hibernation when it came to technology. I was the last one to own a cell phone, Kindle, or laptop. My husband brought me into the twenty-first century with my first iPod, which I had no clue how to use. When he tried to teach me the basic steps, I became frustrated and impatient. I couldn't grasp how something so small could be so complicated. The Hubs made the mistake of asking if I was born during the Jurassic period when I couldn't figure out how to use this wondrous gadget. The conversation ended when I chucked it at his beer belly.
Chores: The biggest question of the week at our house is: Who's turn is it to clean the bathroom? No one wants to scrub that toxic dump without a pressure cleaner and heavy-duty gloves. The kitchen isn't much better, since it looks like a bacon grease bomb has been detonated. We usually flip a coin to settle the argument. The Hubs still hasn't figured out why I always call "heads." (It's a two headed coin.)
In-Laws: When you exchange wedding vows, you inherit more than a spouse. You inherit their crazy-ass relatives as well. It's like Forrest Gump's analogy of a box of chocolates: some might be nutty, and some might be rotten. And some might be deceptively hollow inside. The best compromise is to move a continent away from anyone else who shares your DNA.
Jealousy: When we're at parties and I see my husband flirting with a bleached blonde or a buxom brunette, my temper rises. I become like Medusa, my eyes zeroing in on him, willing him to turn to stone. If necessary I bring out the big guns and publicly share that little tidbit about his painful hemorrhoids.
Marriage is never easy; it's a give-and-take relationship that needs to be nurtured in order to bloom. Trust, communication, and respect are the keys to a healthy marriage. After being together for thirty years, my husband and I have to learn not to sweat the small stuff. In other words, there's no point in arguing over whose turn it is to change the grandchild's blow-out diaper. Pretty soon, we'll be changing each other's adult-size ones.
***This story originally appeared in "Clash Of The Couples" (November 2014), published by Blue Lobster Book Co. I'm honored to be a part of this anthology with so many talented writers. If you would like to read more humorous stories about lover's quarrels, feel free to order the book from Amazon HERE.
***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week I had articles featured on MOGUL--- "The Seven Dwarfs Of Menopause" and on THE FIFTY PLUS LIFE----"From Empty Nest To Full House."
***This story originally appeared in "Clash Of The Couples" (November 2014), published by Blue Lobster Book Co. I'm honored to be a part of this anthology with so many talented writers. If you would like to read more humorous stories about lover's quarrels, feel free to order the book from Amazon HERE.
***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week I had articles featured on MOGUL--- "The Seven Dwarfs Of Menopause" and on THE FIFTY PLUS LIFE----"From Empty Nest To Full House."
