Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, five brave bloggers are welcoming you into their homes for a peek at what goes on behind closed doors. At my house, the fly is always entertained by my husband's witty comebacks. No matter what comment I make, Mac has something to add to it. Unfortunately, these funny conversations often take place late at night while I'm trying to sleep. I say something, then he says something weird back, and then I can't stop laughing, which sends me into a coughing fit....and then I have to pee. That pretty much sums up my evenings.

     Here's a little sampler platter of our latest midnight conversations:



"At your funeral, instead of putting up sentimental photos of you in a slideshow, I'm going to share photos of every weird thing you've ever done."
"That's going to be the longest funeral in history."


"You must be getting old. The first thing you do every morning is take Meloxicam just so you can get out of bed without  pain."
"It could be worse. What if the first thing I needed to get out of bed was an antiinflammatory suppository?"

"Your stomach feels like a big, hard lump."
"Don't worry----that's not a tumor. It's last night's noodle casserole."


"You're not sleeping well because the window is open and there's a strong breeze blowing through."
"No, it's because there are too many strong rum drinks blowing through me."


"Can you reach the light switch? Your arm is longer than mine."
"Not everything on me is long anymore, you know......"

"When I put the food that I ate today into my Fitness Pal app, it answered by telling me I need to go on a diet."
"That's because your stomach has a built-in GPS system for navigating the best snacks in the house. "


     Maybe tonight when I go to bed, I'll just fake-sleep so that my husband doesn't keep me awake. Ha! Who am I kidding? My bladder will never let me sleep through the night anyway....

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? You can read my interview on the craft of writing with Writer CEO HERE,  And my latest for CONSIDERABLE HERE.  But what I'm REALLY excited about is the publication of my first article with AARP on eye health, which you can read HERE.




Buzz around, see what you think, then click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

     Luckily, I have a family that supports my writing, even though my career often sabotages my intentions of running an efficient home. I can't remember the last time I ironed a shirt or used the vacuum, which explains why there are dust balls the size of Arizona tumbleweeds rolling across my floor. The dirty clothes in the laundry room are multiplying faster than a pack of feral cats, and I'm certain there's a colony of orphaned socks hiding behind the dryer.

     Some days I'm plagued by writer's block, and all I have to show after sitting at my desk for six hours is a daisy chain made of paper clips. But on a good day with enough coffee to fuel the creative spirit, my muse goes into overdrive and there's no stopping me. This also means there is no time to make dinner, and my family is forced to forage in the freezer for whatever unidentifiable food they find entombed in plastic containers. It's amazing what they can create with stale hotdog buns and a bag of frozen carrots that were purchased when President Bush was in office.

     There are other times when I'm so engrossed in my writing that I forget to shower and shave, which accounts for the increased Yeti sightings in our area. My disheveled appearance is a testament to the hours I spend at the keyboard, although it's tough explaining this to my husband, the mailman, and my embarrassed teens when their friends catch me in my cereal-stained bathrobe at 4:00 p.m. It's all part of living the writer's dream, although no one warned me that I'd also become proficient at tuning out Fetty Wap blasting from my kid's room, or ignoring the temperamental toilet that's flooding my bathroom floor. The minivan needs an oil change and the dogs are overdue for their yearly deworming, but as a writer, I can see beauty in all the chaos. Tumbleweeds and toilet rings be damned----I'm embracing the writer's life wholeheartedly, one dirty sock at a time.





***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I have a NEW post up on Robot Butt this week: "12 Things To Keep You Busy While You're Unemployed"---you can read it here: http://www.robotbutt.com/2018/03/24/12-things-keep-busy-youre-unemployed/ Also, on Pickle Fork this week: "The Little White Lies Men Tell Themselves": https://medium.com/pickle-fork/the-little-white-lies-men-tell-themselves-a2aff92047e2 AND.... another poem on P.S. I Love You: "Winter In Fayette" https://psiloveyou.xyz/winter-in-fayette-ea35e8520c1c

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, seven bloggers are once again inviting you into their homes for a sneak peek at what goes on behind their closed doors.

     The fly buzzing around my house this past month saw several birthday celebrations and a whole bucketful of love. I feel so blessed to have all of my children living nearby. I see them every weekend, and sometimes during the week. How cool is that? I am also blessed to be married to my best friend, who never fails to make me laugh no matter what curves life throws me. These are the best years of my life, and I look forward to many more birthdays with this crazy family of mine.

     Here are some snippets of conversation shared with my hubs this past month:


   

"We ate too much bean dip at the party. I'm pretty certain we'll be farting in bed all night."
"Well, don't be surprised if we wake up to find our sheets on the ceiling."

"How was your birthday trip to St. Augustine? What did you guys do?"
"Fat. We got fat."

"Why do you need another purse? You already own a gazillion of them."
"I need different colors and sizes to match my outfits."
"Then men should be able buy dozens of wallets for every occasion. A church wallet, a fine dining wallet.....a velcro one for sporting events, a casino wallet with lots of pockets, and a date night wallet with a condom holder...."
"Okay, you made your point. But I'm still buying the damn purse."

"I'm tired of food having so many calories. From now on, I'm eating off your plate because your calories don't count."


ME TO HUBS: "It's time for me to teach you how to twerk."
HUBS: (dressed in underwear and socks) "Are you making me do this because I may or may not have had too many glasses of wine tonight?"
ME: "No, I'm asking you to do it because I need to be entertained."
HUBS: (grabbing bedrail in an attempt to hold his balance while he moves his butt back and forth) "Is this the right way?"
ME: (gasping for air because I can't stop laughing) "It's right if you're trying to imitate a manatee during a mating ritual."
HUBS: "Glad I could amuse you, but I think I just threw my back out...."



"You know you're old when you have to pack a knee brace, arch support pads, and extra pain relievers for a trip."

"How's the diet going?"
"Great! I had three egg whites for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and chicken for dinner."
"Good for you---but why can't I find my six leftover chicken wings that were in the fridge?"
"I didn't say what kind of or how MUCH chicken I ate, did I?"

"Did you know that you walk like a penguin when you wake up at 3:00am to go to the bathroom?"
"Yep. I'm doing my best imitation of a Weeble wobbler because they don't fall down."

"Let's buy our Halloween candy now before the store runs out of the good stuff."
"You're not fooling anyone with that excuse. Those mini chocolate bars are for your personal stash. If I buy the treats now, there will be nothing left to pass out on Halloween except for candy corn and gum."
"After 33 years of marriage, you know me too well. Time to trade you in for a newer model..."


****WANT MORE MENO MAMA? Check out my first humor piece on ROBOT BUTT: "The Seven Neighbors Mister Rogers Never Imagined."

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, Eight bloggers are inviting you into their homes to catch a glimpse of what goes on behind closed doors.

     Summertime in south Florida is ridiculously hot, and sometimes the intense heat fries our brains. That's the only explanation I have for the weird things that have been said around my house this past month......


"I'm scared to book a cruise. I've never been on one before."
"Come on, Mom, it'll be fun. Let's just go ahead and make the reservations!"
"No way---I remember how Titanic ended."
"Mom, there are no icebergs in the Bahamas......"

"You know your marriage is strong when you can survive head lice or a termite invasion without killing each other."


"That meat was awful and so tough. It wasn't prime rib---tasted more like prime cat."

"Coffee is my magic elixir."
"Well, they just said in the news that coffee promotes longevity."
"In that case, I'm going to live longer than Betty White."

"I really want to breed our pup at least once before he gets neutered. I need to find a good breeder."
"What are you trying to do, pimp out our pug?"

"I went on social media for just a few minutes. Two hours later, there I was, watching Youtube videos on how to toilet train cats. And I don't even own a cat."


"You have millionaire tastes on a chicken nugget budget."

"I'm starting a new diet, but I'm allowing myself one cheat day a week."
"Yeah, I said that once too, but my cheat day lasted a whole year."

ME: "This ice cream cone is stale" (continues to eat all the ice cream inside). "Here, I don't want anymore. You can have the rest."
HUBS: (Stares at empty, soggy bottom of cone) "How generous of you....."

"Just because I came from an era when there were no microwave ovens or cable TV does NOT mean that there were dinosaurs roaming the earth when I was born."

"I'm starving! When is dinner?"
"Not for awhile. I have to feed and walk the dogs first."
"I guess I know my place in the family food chain...."

"Stop showing me these graphic photos on the internet of human oddities. They'll give me nightmares of waking up with a tail."

"You never realize how little self control you have until someone walks into the room with a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts."

     Do you need a little humor to boost your mood after watching all the junk on the news lately? Are you looking for a fun, poolside read? I have the perfect solution to kickstart your summer with some much needed laughter. For a limited time, you can STEAL MY SPANDEX at the low price of just .99 cents for the ebook version, which is available on Amazon and on Barnes & Noble.

     Just so you know that you're spending that .99 cent wisely (instead of hitting up the Dollar Store for a seashell soap dish), I'm sharing one of my favorite chapters from the book as a sneak preview to help convince you that your money will be well spent on a few hours of humor:


 
                         SLEEPUS INTERRUPTUS

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, nine bloggers are inviting you into their homes for a glimpse of what you would see and hear behind closed doors.

     When I participate in these Fly On The Wall posts, most of the comments I share come from my husband, who certainly has a way with words. His quick wit is what attracted me to him in the first place. Sort of like flies to honey (see what I did there?). He had some zingers this past month, and I've been grabbing my pen and pad every time he says one of his off-the-wall comments.



"I have my own floatation device in the pool----it's called an 'inner tube waistline'."

"You know you're getting old when you have to keep floss in every room."

"I forgot to shower and my armpits smell like tacos. I've sniffed them so many times today that now I'm craving Taco Bell."


"I just got carded. But not for looking under 21. The clerk wanted to know if I was entitled to the senior citizen's discount."

"My food traps are so bad, I need a pressure cleaner to get the extra food out of my molars."

"Ancestry.com has a package deal on sale today. You should get one so we can finally find out what your DNA is."
"No thanks. I'm too afraid to find out that I might be kin to a schnauzer."

"I picked up the bedroom furniture you ordered. It's the wrong size."
"What do you mean? I bought a dresser and two end tables."
"The furniture is for a baby's room. The drawers wouldn't even hold a stack of onesies, let alone my t-shirts."
"I'm not sending it back. We just have to make it work."
"Then you can forget about filling it with adult diapers when you're old. And don't be surprised if the nightstands come with baby bottle holders."

"THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 21 AND 61: AT 21, YOU'RE FULL OF ENERGY AND EXUBERANCE. AT 61, YOU'RE LEFT HOLDING A BAG OF LEFTOVERS"


"I just don't feel attractive anymore. My skin is as saggy and wrinkly as an elephant's, and no one wants to f#@k an elephant."

"Male UTIs are the worst. It feels as if someone put a cattle prod up my urethra."


"Why do you always attract so many mosquitos? They're swarming all over you."
"Because my DNA is made up of 40% crap."

"I look so old----people probably mistake me for the grim reaper."

"Our favorite doctor is no longer on our insurance plan. I really need to get an endoscopy for my esophagus, but with my luck, I'll be sent to a doctor named 'One Tooth Fred' who'll put the tube up the wrong orifice."


 
    Is it any wonder why I've been married to this guy for 33 years? He keeps me laughing, and laughter keeps us both young. It's a win-win situation. I think I'll keep him.

     As bad as I feel for women experiencing the symptoms of menopause, my heart goes out even more to the men who have to live with them while they endure "the change of life." When my husband and I exchanged wedding vows 33 years ago, neither one of us had any idea that I would one day morph into the Tasmanian devil at the onset of menopause. Most of the time, I don't even recognize myself. I have to give the guy credit for sticking by my side as long as he has. I'm not sure what's in it for him, other than the occasional back rub and someone to stop him from heading out to the pet store in his torn cargo shorts and t-shirt that reads, "Cat: The Other White Meat."

     Although menopause has changed me, my husband has learned to go with my emotional flow that's as unpredictable as a summer hurricane. All that matters is that we're still holding hands during the stormiest of times.

     Recently, I pressed him for details about the changes he has witnessed in me over the last few years, and he was a little TOO quick to fill in the blanks......

       
1. My wife once had the energy of a toddler after too many cups of Kool-Aid. But these days, sleep is her priority...even over sex and chocolate. She'd stay under the covers all week if I let her. But someone has to cook a meal every now and then.....unless the family doesn't mind the gastrointestinal apocalypse that would occur if I did the cooking.

2. When she's not in bear hibernation mode, my wife is a creature of the night. Insomnia often robs her of a decent night's rest, but rather than squeeze in some valuable writing time, she prefers to stalk Pinterest recipes or shop on Amazon for decorative pillows. How many pillows does one person need? The good news is that I no longer need an alarm system for the house. While I'm snoring in the bedroom, my better half is wide awake and will release a blood curdling war cry if an intruder tries to break in....or if a cockroach skitters across her path.

3. There isn't a husband on the planet who doesn't live in fear of the dreaded question, "Do these pants make me look fat?" The first year my wife started menopause, we went though four different scales because she was convinced they were all inaccurate. Her pension for chocolate and pizza had nothing to do with her weight gain. At least she can blame menopause for her extra pounds. The only excuse I have is beer.

4. We always "spooned" when we went to bed together. It was comforting to feel her body pressed against mine each night before falling asleep. Now that she has night sweats, if I try to cuddle up to her, I'll likely lose a limb.

5. Dear God, the pendulum mood swings. If I survive these, I can survive anything. Forget Jekyll and Hyde. I'm living with Donna Reed and Attila the Hun. To say that my wife is "a little on edge" is an understatement. If I leave so much as a dirty coffee cup on the counter, her patience level will snap in a nanosecond and I'll find myself fighting for space on the dog's bed each night.

 6. Ever since the hot flashes started, my wife has become a thermostat nazi. When I come home from work, I feel as if I've been magically transported to Alaska. It wouldn't surprise me if I came home one day to find icicles hanging from the ceiling.

7. My wife and I have always been a passionate couple, but after menopause struck, her sex drive plummeted. I'm not the virile youngster I once was, either, but nowadays in order to get things heated in the bedroom, I need a gallon of wine for my wife and the Jaws of Life for easy access.

 8. Forgetfulness comes with age, but menopause can make a woman senile. My wife was one of the most organized people I knew, to the point of being OCD about the house and our family routine. We depended on her to keep us scheduled and sane. If it was up to me, the kids would have gone to school late in their bedroom slippers and have nothing but corn chips in their lunch boxes. But along came menopause, sucking every organizational cell out of my wife's body and leaving me with a pod person who's suffering from constant brain fog. Car keys in the fridge. Water bubbling over on the stove. Dog poop on the carpet because SOMEONE forgot to take the fur balls for a walk after lunch.

     I think it's time to book a room for my wife at the Forget-Me-Not Manor for Senile Seniors. Better yet, I'll take the room for myself, because no one will yell at me for leaving a dirty coffee cup on the counter. And hopefully I'll get to keep all of my limbs.

    I have the lovely and talented Anne Bardsley, author of How I Earned My Wrinkles, guesting on my site again today with a story that many of us females can relate to when it comes to our attempts at looking sexy. Most women I know covet good looking shoes, and probably own at least fifty pairs. When I was younger, I had no problem sporting some flashy stilettos when I hit the night clubs. But nowadays, I'm much happier in a pair of fuzzy slippers. Sadly, my floppy-eared bunny slippers are not acceptable at my favorite dining spots, so I have to strap on a pair of heels and wobble my way into the restaurant. Anne, however, braved it one night in a sexy pair of VERY high heeled shoes. God bless the woman---she has more courage (and stamina) than I do! I hope you enjoy her story, and please welcome her to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!

     Today I'm featuring one of my favorite writers who happens to be a dear friend I met through the blogosphere awhile ago, and I've admired her writing ever since I found her site, My Inner Chick. Kim Sisto Robinson blogs about women's issues, humor, and her family, but she mostly writes about her sister, Kay, who was murdered on May 26, 2010. Ever since her beloved sister's death, Kim has been on a mission to spread awareness about domestic violence, and I applaud her efforts to empower women by giving them a voice to speak out against abuse. Please check out her site for a list of resources there for victims seeking help to end the nightmare of domestic violence.

     The post Kim is sharing with us today, however, is one of her humor pieces that I can totally relate to since I'm just as guilty of being distracted by the internet as she is. I have burned dinners, forgotten appointments and lost plenty of sleep while scrolling through Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter. It drives my husband nuts, but at least now I know I'm not the only one who has picked up this distracting habit. Enjoy the post and please welcome Kim to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!