Menopausal Mother

     I'm always excited to feature one of my fellow Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop authors on the blog. I've known Janie Emaus since we met in 2014 at the convention, and we've been good friends ever since. I admire her writing style, and she never fails to make me laugh when she writes humorous stories about aging (because I can sooooo relate!). Her essay that I'm sharing today is one of my favorites because I have been in this situation before. Janie keeps it real, so I'm sure you'll be laughing with me on this one, too.....

                               THREE GENERATIONS OF BUTTS

Hair whitens. Butts droop. Arms sag. Aging is not a pretty picture, is it?  
No butts about it. 

     On the blog today I have my dear friend and fellow writer, Theresa Wiza, who is here to share her experience with menopause and to show us some really cute t-shirt designs for hot (as in HOT FLASHING) women like us! ***Samples of shirts are below the post***



Menopausal Women are SO HOT! Quick disclaimer – I didn’t know I was in menopause until my gynecologist told me I was post-menopausal. Surprise! So let me take you back to the time I was in my early 30s, more than half a lifetime ago. My younger sister and I were discussing our sporadic periods and mild hot flashes – you know – the difference between mild and hot versions of hot sauce? Like that. We would sit in restaurants and periodically remove our jackets and put them back on, take them off, put them back on, and repeat the process every time we got together. We even discussed our thoughts considering the possibility that we were experiencing peri-menopause. Was that even possible? Weren’t we too young to be in peri-menopause? We had no reference point, because our mother, who had a complete hysterectomy in her 30s, never experienced menopause. Fast-forward to the year I turned 48. I awoke one night drenched in sweat. OK, now I know I’m menopausal, because I had heard about night sweats, and I was obviously having one. So I made an appointment with my gynecologist, and after she tested me, I learned I was post-menopausal. Because I was only 48, she tested me again, and yep, same result – POST-menopausal! I was flabbergasted! That was it?! One night of night sweats? You mean menopause is OVER for me and I’m POST-menopausal already? How lucky could I be? I’m never lucky! How did I get away with only one night of night sweats? No more hot flashes? Yay! Yippee! I’m so excited! And I never again experienced another night of night sweats – of awakening with sheets drenched in sweat – thank you, God! But, alas, the effects of menopause were not over – not by a long shot – not by 20 years (so far, anyway – add dramatically disgusted face here), because what continued were HOT FLASHES, not to the point of soaking the sheets with sweat at night, but to periodic waves of sweltering heat that NEVER ended! And all I could think was, NOT FAIR! Maybe the reason I’m still experiencing menopausal hot flashes is that I have always been HOT! People could be sitting around me wrapped in blankets, and I would be trying to figure out how not to be naked and still feel comfortable. A stash of sweaters from the early 70s, when I was in my 20s, haven’t seen daylight since the 70s. Worn only on days when temperatures were sub-zero and I had to walk a couple of blocks to work, I’d get to work, remove all of my outer clothing and bake the rest of the day. Those sweaters are still in perfect condition. I keep them, because I’ve heard that little old ladies get really cold, and I don’t want to have to purchase new sweaters when I already have a bunch in perfectly good condition. Though I’m now 68, I am apparently not yet old enough to wear them. My body heat problem is so bad that wherever I go, I have to find out at what temperature people like to keep their thermostats so I can dress accordingly. My mother and one of my sisters are always cold, so I avoid them. Just kidding. I wear tank tops or similar no-sleeve clothing when I’m in their homes. Family occasions, no matter where we all meet, are usually very crowded, and I’m especially sensitive to body heat. Put a bunch of people in a room together and my body’s temperature rises about 1 degree for every person there. So when the temperature in the room is 70, and you add 40 people to the mix, I’m so hot, you could roast a meal on me (I hope you weren’t eating when you read that last sentence). If you attended those gatherings, you’d find me grabbing paper plates and fanning myself with them or running outside barefoot in the snow just to cool off. You’d see my face dripping with sweat, and you’d hear me repeating over and over, “I’m so hot!” One day, not long ago, after hearing from his mother, for probably the millionth time, “I’m so hot,” my son, who was standing near me, blurted out, “Don’t flatter yourself!” After I burst with laughter, I thought, Wow, what a great idea for a menopause t-shirt! So, with a picture in mind about how I wanted the shirt to look, I asked my creatively cartoony cousin to design my menopause shirt for me. And he did! So Ladies, if you experience hot flashes, remember that you’re not just hot – you’re SO hot, you’re practically on fire! And now may I present to you the menopause shirt that will announce to everyone just how hot you really are (but don’t flatter yourself).



TO ORDER:

"Gutsy" T-shirt: http://bit.ly/GutsyWomen

"Courageous" T-shirt: http://bit.ly/CourageusFeisty

"I'm So Hot" T-shirt: http://bit.ly/SoHotMenopause

BIO: Theresa is first and foremost a mom, grandma, and great-grandma. When she's not writing and crocheting, she's taping her new YouTube channel, Youthful Aging for REAL Women, or she's designing t-shirts, mugs, tote bags and more. She always ends her posts with, "find a little joy and sprinkle it everywhere." 
***You can find Theresa's YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0g5TV_PpWQ5ESHEbDRaXkg

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, five bloggers are inviting you into their lives for a glimpse of what you might see if you were a fly on their wall.

     As my husband's 63rd birthday approaches, he has done nothing but complain about his various ailments. If it's not the carpal tunnel in his wrist, it's his sciatic nerve in the left leg that's bothering him. Some days it's his arthritic knee or his lower spine, which he is certain has a crushed vertebra from 1995 when our son caught him by surprise by launching off the bed onto his back. Recently, the doctor told him that his blood sugar was a bit high too and that he needed to consider a low carb diet. Bagels were once his BFF but now he gets mad at me when I serve lasagna or offer him a banana muffin. He is often cranky and tired---which I understand---but I'm starting to feel like I'm living in an old folk's home.

     In true fly-on-the-wall fashion, here are some typical conversations we have about his health:


"If your back hurts that much, why not sleep with the heating pad on all night?"
"Oh sure, that's not dangerous at all.....a heating pad left on all night, then in the morning it's ashes to ashes...."

"This low carb diet is making me nuts. It was my turn to set up the donuts in the breakroom today, and it killed me that I couldn't eat one. I just started gnawing on my arm."

"I have a bone density test today. At my age, I'm worried they'll tell me I've already been deboned."

"The doctor said I should take CBD oil for my sciatic nerve pain. Does this mean my left leg will get high?"

"Help me unload the groceries from the car."
"That's funny you ask because my arms have been cut off. I can't help."
"What's even funnier is that you're about to have your head cut off if you DON'T help."

"Sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office this morning, I overhead someone talking about a dog with a bad eye and only three teeth."
"Sounds like they were describing you in ten years."


"Wow, the news is full of depressing stories. A white water rafting accident, an airplane malfunction and a carnival ride that broke down, injuring several people."
"Well, there's three activities I can cross off my retirement wish list."

"You know you're getting old when you hear 80's music playing at the grocery store and you think, Hmmm...I need to add that song to my playlist."

"Have you tried that new Facebook face App that ages you by 50 years?"
"I'm turning 63. If I did that app, the only photo I'd see is a skeleton with big eyebrows."


     Well, I for one refuse to let my age stop me (but I'm almost four years younger than him, so it's easy for me to say that). Just ignore my limp when you see me hobbling out of Zumba class, and don't bother looking in my medicine drawer ( I swear, the sore muscle salve and plantar fasciitis pads are his, not mine!!). Age IS just a number, right??

     See that photo below of the secret smile? That was my expression when I recently learned that a personal essay I submitted to the NEW YORK TIMES is going to be published in November!! I've pretty much been hyperventilating ever since I received the news. This is HUGE for me since NYT has been on my bucket list since I first started blogging in 2011. The other site I've coveted for years is McSweeney's, and as you might know by now, they published my first humor piece two weeks ago, so YAY!! My mum knew how important these two sites were to me, and she told me never to give up. Her advice---persistence---paid off. Love you, Mum, and miss you. I just wish you were here to celebrate with me.



Buzz around, see what you think, then click on these links for a peek into some other homes:
Bookworm in the Kitchen             https://www.bookwormkitchen.com/

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today six bloggers are bravely inviting you into their homes for a sneak peek at what you might find if you were a nosy fly buzzing around their house.

Things have finally quieted down since my son's wedding last month (You can read all about it here) but what a crazy month and a half it has been! My husband and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary together, and then one of my closest friends flew in from Louisiana to visit for a few days. To give you an idea of how things went when we spent some much-needed girl time together, we ended up closing down a bar. I'd forgotten what it was like to be 25 (but my body felt like it was 75 in the morning). The hangover struggle is REAL.

The wedding came and went (far too fast!!) on April 20th, and then two days later SURPRISE!! I ended up having emergency eye surgery for a torn retina. Actually, it was torn in three places and before you ask, no, I didn't have any kind of head trauma. My condition started as Posterior Vitreous Detachment, which is common when you get OLDER. Yeah, something else we get to look forward to as we age (as if wrinkles, menopause and weight gain wasn't enough). The surgery to cauterize the retinal tears felt like Luke Skywalker and Darth Vadar battling it out with their laser wands in my eyeball. But things are much better now, and I CAN SEE!!

Despite the crazy few weeks we had here, my husband was never short on humor....


"Why do I keep getting cobwebs all over me?"
"Because you're old."

"I don't feel good."
"Eat a cheese stick."
"That's your solution to everything! Got a stomach ache? Eat a cheese stick. Depressed? Eat a cheese stick. Sleepy? Eat a cheese stick. Enough with the cheese sticks! It's pissing me off."
"Well then....eat a cheese stick."

"Why is our pug humping a pillow?"
"She has an innate need to dominate all the pillows in the house."

"You just had the laser surgery. Be careful---don't cough too hard---your eye might pop out."
"THAT IS NOT WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID."

"If I keep dancing like this, I'm not gonna just throw my back out; I'm gonna lose a few vertebrae and be three inches shorter by the end of the evening."

"You must like Spandex---you wear it all the time."
"Oh sure, I love having my internal organs pushed up into my throat."

"Game of Thrones is over and my life will never be the same."
"That's because you never had much of a life to begin with...."
"Be careful what you say; I'll pull a Daenerys Targaryen on you if you don't stop."
"Not unless you hatch a few baby dragons first."

"Why does our toilet make that weird, high-pitched sound whenever we flush it?"
"It's screaming in horror."

"I noticed that you never use your expensive gravity blanket in bed anymore."
"It weighs too much. If a burglar broke in, I wouldn't be able to get up to stop him. But the real reason is that I'm afraid of being trapped underneath it when I need to pee at 3:00 a.m."


     I'm glad my eyeball is better now. I'd hate to have missed out on all the fun around here.



***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? Last week I was featured on Indelible Ink with a humor essay on clothes shopping. You can read it here: https://medium.com/indelible-ink/one-size-fits-none-c6157e38fcf2.  PSSSSSS! If you like what you read, click on the clapping hands in the left margin of the article---I actually get paid for readership! Thanks!


Click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

     I'm very excited to share with you today an excerpt from author Sherry Stanfa-Stanley's book, Finding My Badass Self: A Year Of Truths And Dares. Sherry spent a year of her life staring down her fears by trying new experiences that were far outside of her comfort zone. Some of these unusual experiences included going on a raid with a vice squad and SWAT team, exfoliating a rhinoceros, and crashing a wedding.

     Finding My Badass Self is a celebration of Sherry's courageous journey into the unknown during a transformative time, proving that it's still possible to reinvent one's self even in the midlife years. The book is a great read and one that inspires us to push past our fears in order to discover our true mettle in a world brimming with new possibilities.

 But don't just take my word for it---check out the excerpt below and order your copy today!

                               BEARING IT AT THE BEACH





BIO: 

Author Bio:  Sharon O’Donnell is a writer from Cary, NC and is the author of two humor books: Please Don’t Let Me Be the Oldest Mom in the PTA (released in July/2018) and House of Testosterone: One Mom’s Survival in a Household of Males. She has written articles for Good Housekeeping and Better Homes & Gardens, and was an award-winning columnist for The Cary News for 12 years. She lives in Cary with her husband of 30 years and their youngest son, 17-year-old Jason, with frequent visits from sons Billy, 27, and David, 24. And of course their male long-haired dachshund, Fenway. You can find her at sharondonnellauthor.com, www.uplit.org , momsofboys.com, or @4boysanddog 

     I've been in a menopausal state of mind for eight years now, and my brain could really use a break. The endless mind chatter keeps me awake most nights and disrupts my thoughts like an attention-seeking toddler when I'm trying to get things accomplished during the day.

     In a menopausal way of thinking, the little things become the big things, and not in a good way. My husband and kids think I've lost my mind because of the ridiculous arguments we've gotten into. I have always had an A-type personality, but these Jekyll and Hyde mood swings need to stop for the sake of my own (and my family's) sanity. Thankfully, I have a husband and some pretty awesome kids who totally get it, so they give me a wide berth when they see the steam coming out of my ears

.

     If you were to crawl inside my head on any given day, these are the things my menopausal brain would say to you:

"I'm going to be really good today on my diet. I'll eat an egg white omelet, a small salad for lunch, then salmon for.....OH LOOK! A DONUT!"

"Geez, it's so effing hot in this house. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, COULD SOMEONE PLEASE TURN DOWN THE THERMOSTAT??"

"Oh man, my bed looks so comfy....and I'm so tired. What would it hurt to take a little nap?"
**Wakes three hours later wondering what century she is in**

"I love you, but if you leave another strand of your used floss on the bookshelf, I swear I will strangle you with it in your sleep."

"It's 4:00a.m. Why am I still awake, wondering how people potty train rabbits?"

"Today was awful. I hate everyone and everything. Wait, you have chocolate? OMG I'm so happy! What a great day!"

"Where did I leave my damn car keys? Oh, here they are.....okay, which one of you numbskulls put my keys in the shower?  Huh? It was me? No way, I didn't do that. I couldn't have.....could I?"

"Sweetheart, you're my little shnookums and I love you so much....wait. Stop! ARE YOU KIDDING? DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW?"

"A BOGO sale on fiber pills? Hell yeah, I'm gonna stock up. One can never own too many fiber pills."

" I didn't forget to pick up the dog food. It's your fault because you forgot to remind me."

"It's raining and now our plans are ruined and my life sucks so I'm going back to bed and don't even think about talking to me right now."

"Let's order pizza tonight. No, wait---I think I want Chinese food instead....but tacos also sound really good. Actually, I could go for a juicy steak. Or maybe a burger. Or chicken wings---yes, that's what I want! Can I get a slice of pizza on the side with that?"

"Just pour the wine and don't ask any questions."

"Who used the last roll of toilet paper without replacing it? I will hunt you down and kill you."

"It's freezing cold in this restaurant. Honey, can I borrow your jacket?"
<<five minutes later>> "Waiter, can you please turn up the fans? It's ridiculously hot in here."

"Why am I always so bloated? My belly is huge! I look like I'm pregnant.....with a baby elephant."

"Yes, I know I've put on some weight recently. No, it has nothing to do with my eating habits. It's not my dumpling cravings either, I swear. It's just menopause."

    ISN'T IT ALWAYS JUST THE MENOPAUSE????

     When I was young, it was easy to make New Year's resolutions and actually stick to them (well, for at least six months. Give me some credit here, folks. Swearing off chocolate for an entire year is unreasonable). Now that I'm older (sigh), I realize that New Year's resolutions are not for the faint of heart, and basically, I'm just too lazy to stick to them. My intentions are always good at the start of the year, but then life gets in the way, and I find myself slapping the snooze button on the alarm way too often just to avoid my resolutions.

     This year I'm going into 2018 with more positivity....meaning that I'm pretty positive the following New Year's Resolutions are ones I will most likely never keep: