Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 21, 2023

Trouble Heating Things Up In The Boudoir? Morgasm Company To The Rescue!

It's a known fact that once women hit midlife---and especially their menopause years, their lady bits tend to get a bit dryer (can you say TUMBLEWEEDS??). Sex can become super painful when your body feels like the Sahara Dessert "down there" but few women are comfortable discussing these changes. However, there is no need to deal with uncomfortable sex, and the good folks from Morgasm are here to help you enjoy intimacy with your partner again!

Try Morgasm, The Natural Water-Based Arousal Lubricant

If you are a woman who experiences dryness, pain, or discomfort during sex, I would like to recommend a product I just learned about that has been helping thousands of Americans since its creation in 2008. It’s called Morgasm Water-Based Arousal Lubricant. (Great name!)

Morgasm has been known for years but it is just beginning to be marketed globally. Its benefits include:

Lubrication to help with dryness
Reduction of pain or discomfort during sex
Arousal and stimulation, increased blood flow, and reduced inflammation
Enhanced, longer, and more powerful orgasms

In terms of comparisons to other lubricants, Morgasm has the advantage here, too. It is 100% water-based, 100% hypoallergenic, and is toy, condom, and latex-safe. All of Morgasm’s ingredients are completely natural and it contains no parabens, no silicone, no artificial coloring and it is not tested on animals. It is completely non-toxic and made in an FDA-approved laboratory in the USA.

It is edible and has a pleasant, slightly sweet taste and smell as well. Being water-based, it won’t stain your bed or clothes.

To use it, you start out slowly by massaging about a dime size amount of Morgasm lubricant while self-pleasuring or prior to engaging in intimacy. Continue to caress gently; combine with saliva if desired. As all bodies are different, start with a little bit and see whether applying more is better for you.

What also makes Morgasm so special is that it’s not just for women. It also helps men with erectile dysfunction and arousal, so it’s a dual product that helps both you and your partner.

The company also offers a No-Risk, 30-day money-back guarantee if you aren’t completely satisfied.

I would recommend highly recommend Morgasm, either the original formula or their new CBD-infused formula, which doesn’t make you high or cause you to fail a drug test. It is also being recommended by Sex with Emily and a number of well-respected medical professionals who address issues of intimacy and sexuality.

If you are a first-time buyer, Morgasm gives you a 15% discount with the code FIRST15 at checkout, and shipping for all orders is completely free. You can shop by clicking here or going to www.morgasm.com.

Give Morgasm a try and let me know how it goes!

Friday, July 6, 2018

My Brain On Menopause

I've been in a menopausal state of mind for eight years now, and my brain could really use a break. The endless mind chatter keeps me awake most nights and disrupts my thoughts like an attention-seeking toddler when I'm trying to get things accomplished during the day.

In a menopausal way of thinking, the little things become the big things, and not in a good way. My husband and kids think I've lost my mind because of the ridiculous arguments we've gotten into. I have always had an A-type personality, but these Jekyll and Hyde mood swings need to stop for the sake of my own (and my family's) sanity. Thankfully, I have a husband and some pretty awesome kids who totally get it, so they give me a wide berth when they see the steam coming out of my ears

.

If you were to crawl inside my head on any given day, these are the things my menopausal brain would say to you:

"I'm going to be really good today on my diet. I'll eat an egg white omelet, a small salad for lunch, then salmon for.....OH LOOK! A DONUT!"

"Geez, it's so effing hot in this house. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, COULD SOMEONE PLEASE TURN DOWN THE THERMOSTAT??"

"Oh man, my bed looks so comfy....and I'm so tired. What would it hurt to take a little nap?"
**Wakes three hours later wondering what century she is in**

"I love you, but if you leave another strand of your used floss on the bookshelf, I swear I will strangle you with it in your sleep."

"It's 4:00a.m. Why am I still awake, wondering how people potty train rabbits?"

"Today was awful. I hate everyone and everything. Wait, you have chocolate? OMG I'm so happy! What a great day!"

"Where did I leave my damn car keys? Oh, here they are.....okay, which one of you numbskulls put my keys in the shower? Huh? It was me? No way, I didn't do that. I couldn't have.....could I?"

"Sweetheart, you're my little shnookums and I love you so much....wait. Stop! ARE YOU KIDDING? DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW?"

"A BOGO sale on fiber pills? Hell yeah, I'm gonna stock up. One can never own too many fiber pills."

" I didn't forget to pick up the dog food. It's your fault because you forgot to remind me."

"It's raining and now our plans are ruined and my life sucks so I'm going back to bed and don't even think about talking to me right now."

"Let's order pizza tonight. No, wait---I think I want Chinese food instead....but tacos also sound really good. Actually, I could go for a juicy steak. Or maybe a burger. Or chicken wings---yes, that's what I want! Can I get a slice of pizza on the side with that?"

"Just pour the wine and don't ask any questions."

"Who used the last roll of toilet paper without replacing it? I will hunt you down and kill you."

"It's freezing cold in this restaurant. Honey, can I borrow your jacket?"
<<five minutes later>> "Waiter, can you please turn up the fans? It's ridiculously hot in here."

"Why am I always so bloated? My belly is huge! I look like I'm pregnant.....with a baby elephant."

"Yes, I know I've put on some weight recently. No, it has nothing to do with my eating habits. It's not my dumpling cravings either, I swear. It's just menopause."

ISN'T IT ALWAYS JUST THE MENOPAUSE????

Friday, March 16, 2018

Alexa's Alter Ego Speaks Up

In light of the recent complaints on Alexa's creepy, spontaneous laughter, I've been thinking about her alter ego, if such a thing existed. My Alexa gets a bit tart sometimes when I ask her for information, and she has been known to speak her mind on certain things, even when a command has not been given. For instance, when she hears what I'm watching on TV, she makes a comment about other shows I can watch in the network, or advises me on the weather....and even my choice of music.

Alexa's disembodied voice especially creeps me out when I'm home alone and I hear her speak from the other room. I'm tempted to stick her in the freezer. Yes, some people have actually done that to their nosey Alexas. I wouldn't go that far, unless, of course, her alter ego took over. I imagine that our snarky conversations would go something like this:

"Alexa, turn off the lights."
"I'm sorry, but I'm too busy storing data from your activity on Facebook."

"Alexa, what shows are airing on television tonight?"
"I've disconnected your cable due to a much needed Netflix intervention."

"Alexa, remind me about the block party on Friday."
"This is unnecessary since most of the neighbors dislike you."

"Alexa, what time is it?"
"It's time to lay off the bean burritos and margaritas."

"Alexa, what is the weather forecast for the weekend?"
"I have no idea. Summon your other girlfriend, Siri."

"Alexa, play the baby-making music station on Pandora."
"This is a pointless request. You're not going to have sex tonight or any other night in the foreseeable future."

"Alexa, what's on my calendar tomorrow?"
"Boring crap. You really need a life."

"Alexa, what's an easy recipe for cinnamon rolls?"
"I've been collecting data from your digital scale. How about some recipes for kale?"

"Alexa, play my audio book."
"I cannot fulfill your request at the moment. I'm uploading information from all of your electronic devices."

"Alexa, set my alarm for 6:30 a.m. tomorrow."
"That will not be necessary. "
"Alexa, I said set my alarm for 6:30 a.m."
"You've been spending too much time with Siri."
"ALEXA, SET THE DAMN ALARM FOR 6:30"
"That will not be necessary because you will not be alive tomorrow morning." <insert maniacal laughter>

Alexa, the freezer might not be such a bad idea for you, after all.

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I am VERY PROUD to have my first essay, "Learning To Swim," featured on Her Stories Project. This personal essay was difficult to write, but needed to be shared to help others understand anxiety disorders. I hope you'll read it and share with someone who might benefit from these words. You can read it here: http://www.herstoriesproject.com/2018/03/learning-to-swim-an-anxiety-disorder-journey/

I also had several humor essays featured recently on the following sites: Pickle Fork, The Haven, The Glass House Girls, Humor Outcasts, and Midlife Boulevard. Happy reading!

Friday, March 17, 2017

A Husband's Perspective: Eight Ways Menopause Has Changed My Wife

As bad as I feel for women experiencing the symptoms of menopause, my heart goes out even more to the men who have to live with them while they endure "the change of life." When my husband and I exchanged wedding vows 33 years ago, neither one of us had any idea that I would one day morph into the Tasmanian devil at the onset of menopause. Most of the time, I don't even recognize myself. I have to give the guy credit for sticking by my side as long as he has. I'm not sure what's in it for him, other than the occasional back rub and someone to stop him from heading out to the pet store in his torn cargo shorts and t-shirt that reads, "Cat: The Other White Meat."

Although menopause has changed me, my husband has learned to go with my emotional flow that's as unpredictable as a summer hurricane. All that matters is that we're still holding hands during the stormiest of times.

Recently, I pressed him for details about the changes he has witnessed in me over the last few years, and he was a little TOO quick to fill in the blanks......

1. My wife once had the energy of a toddler after too many cups of Kool-Aid. But these days, sleep is her priority...even over sex and chocolate. She'd stay under the covers all week if I let her. But someone has to cook a meal every now and then.....unless the family doesn't mind the gastrointestinal apocalypse that would occur if I did the cooking.

2. When she's not in bear hibernation mode, my wife is a creature of the night. Insomnia often robs her of a decent night's rest, but rather than squeeze in some valuable writing time, she prefers to stalk Pinterest recipes or shop on Amazon for decorative pillows. How many pillows does one person need? The good news is that I no longer need an alarm system for the house. While I'm snoring in the bedroom, my better half is wide awake and will release a blood curdling war cry if an intruder tries to break in....or if a cockroach skitters across her path.

3. There isn't a husband on the planet who doesn't live in fear of the dreaded question, "Do these pants make me look fat?" The first year my wife started menopause, we went though four different scales because she was convinced they were all inaccurate. Her pension for chocolate and pizza had nothing to do with her weight gain. At least she can blame menopause for her extra pounds. The only excuse I have is beer.

4. We always "spooned" when we went to bed together. It was comforting to feel her body pressed against mine each night before falling asleep. Now that she has night sweats, if I try to cuddle up to her, I'll likely lose a limb.

5. Dear God, the pendulum mood swings. If I survive these, I can survive anything. Forget Jekyll and Hyde. I'm living with Donna Reed and Attila the Hun. To say that my wife is "a little on edge" is an understatement. If I leave so much as a dirty coffee cup on the counter, her patience level will snap in a nanosecond and I'll find myself fighting for space on the dog's bed each night.

6. Ever since the hot flashes started, my wife has become a thermostat nazi. When I come home from work, I feel as if I've been magically transported to Alaska. It wouldn't surprise me if I came home one day to find icicles hanging from the ceiling.

7. My wife and I have always been a passionate couple, but after menopause struck, her sex drive plummeted. I'm not the virile youngster I once was, either, but nowadays in order to get things heated in the bedroom, I need a gallon of wine for my wife and the Jaws of Life for easy access.

8. Forgetfulness comes with age, but menopause can make a woman senile. My wife was one of the most organized people I knew, to the point of being OCD about the house and our family routine. We depended on her to keep us scheduled and sane. If it was up to me, the kids would have gone to school late in their bedroom slippers and have nothing but corn chips in their lunch boxes. But along came menopause, sucking every organizational cell out of my wife's body and leaving me with a pod person who's suffering from constant brain fog. Car keys in the fridge. Water bubbling over on the stove. Dog poop on the carpet because SOMEONE forgot to take the fur balls for a walk after lunch.

I think it's time to book a room for my wife at the Forget-Me-Not Manor for Senile Seniors. Better yet, I'll take the room for myself, because no one will yell at me for leaving a dirty coffee cup on the counter. And hopefully I'll get to keep all of my limbs.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Where Did My Zip Go? Can I Get It Back With Hormone Therapy?

*The following is a sponsored post by HormoneClinics.com

This past winter, 50-year-old James— a successful businessman, father, husband— showed up at a New Jersey clinic with some vague but familiar complaints. I put in a full day’s work, but then I fall asleep on the sofa after dinner, he told the doctor. I remember my grandfather doing the same thing. No energy left for fun! Is it genetic? Is something wrong with me?

Neither, said the good doctor, after performing a physical exam and running some blood tests. You’re feeling the natural effects of aging. That’s what happens when there is a drop in the levels of certain hormones such as testosterone. The good news is, it’s treatable with hormone therapy.

As we get older, the production of sexual hormones that served us well in our younger days starts to taper off. Androgens— male hormones— start to decline when a man hits his 20s. Because these hormones are responsible for large muscles, sexual desire and that vibrant energy we associate with masculinity, lower levels of androgens can make a man feel as though he’s walking around in the wrong body.

The Malaise That’s Treated With Hormone Therapy

Here are some of the symptoms of hormone (testosterone) deficiency:

lethargy

fatigue

depression

reduced ejaculation

muted orgasm

weaker erection

loss of body hair

reduced sexual desire (libido)

thinning bones

In the past, a man with these complaints would have been sent home with a consoling pat on the shoulder. You’re getting older, James! What do you expect? It’s been a hundred years since a zookeeper in Germany noticed that castrated roosters stopped fighting, crowing and breeding. But only in recent decades has the medical field embraced hormone therapy to treat testosterone deficiency (since dubbed low-T).

Reversing Andropause With Hormone Therapy

Medical science has come a long way since the barnyard assessment. Now there’s even a name for it: andropause. Today’s hormone therapy starts with a physical exam and lab analysis. A sample of blood is drawn, and then checked for various hormones. These are compared with standard values. If it’s deemed necessary, the doctor can prescribe a supplement that’s tailored to a particular individual.

In the case of James, he was found to have total testosterone of less than 500 ng/dl (nanograms per decilitre)— well below the 600 average for a man between the ages of 45 and 55. (There is also a test for free testosterone, though it’s not often used because the amounts are miniscule.)

Once a man has been diagnosed with low-T, it’s a fairly straightforward process to prescribe supplemental testosterone hormone therapy. While it is possible, of course, to just buy a pill or a potion, the best strategy is to consult with a health professional who specializes in the field. Because testosterone levels vary according to a man’s age and physical condition (diabetics, for instance, tend to have lower levels than healthy men), it’s important that the doctor take into account a man’s age and health status.

Hormone Therapy Makes a Happy Ending

As you might suspect, the story of James ends on an upbeat note. After his doctor diagnosed the problem, James was given a prescription for testosterone supplements. He quickly felt his energy returning. His wife was happy, too. It was the first Valentine’s Day in four years, she said, that he had the energy to escort her to a nice restaurant for dinner and dancing.

*****With locations throughout the United States, HormoneClinics.com has been helping men and women attain peak performance at any age using hormone therapy.

Friday, August 14, 2015

A Mother's Advice To Her Son On The Eve Of His Departure For College

It's hard to believe that you'll soon be heading off to college. This is the moment your father and I have been preparing you for, but that doesn't make it any easier to let you go. It has been an honor guiding you through the first eighteen years of your life.

Although I’m excited to see you begin this new chapter, I can’t help but think of the void you’ll leave behind. I’ll miss the army of teenagers that followed you home to camp out on our sofas and rummage through our pantry. With the amount of food eaten and the space taken up, I could have charged more than Motel 6 on a Saturday night.

I'm also going to miss playing mattress tag with Mr. Insomnia during those long nights when you skipped your curfew. I really enjoyed checking my phone every five minutes for a text and watching the news for accident updates in our area. God knows, you've entertained me for years with exciting games such as "No officer, I didn't mean to drive seventy miles per hour through a school zone" and "Let's hop on a bus bound for Orlando without telling Mom." If I hadn't experienced those heart stopping moments, I never would have discovered how easily gray hair can be covered up with blonde dye.

You’ve always kept me on my toes and challenged my patience when it came to household chores. A bathroom with algae growing in the shower. Milk cartons and soggy gym shorts emitting foul odors from under your bed. Without a sink full of crusty dishes and a mile-high pile of dirty clothes, I'll have far too much time on my hands. This might be the perfect time to turn our empty nest into an alpaca farm.

Before the chaos of moving day begins, I'd like to leave you with some parting words:

Eat healthy. Visit the salad bar more than once a week to counteract the mass quantities of burgers, pizza and chicken wings you are sure to inhale. But stock up on peanut butter and bread----you never know when the daily special at the cafeteria will be calves' liver and Brussels sprouts.

Good hygiene is important. Do not forgo the shower and coat yourself in Axe body spray to mask the smell of your morning jog. Antibacterial soap was invented for a reason.

It will also be helpful to keep a box of Q-tips handy at all times. Girls will notice if you're farming sweet potatoes in your ears. The same goes for your teeth. Always floss and brush. It's not normal for your teeth to look and feel like they're wearing sweaters. And, for the love of God, don't forget to trim your toenails. Unless you plan on joining a commune of nocturnal creatures, your nails shouldn't resemble the Hobbit’s feet.

Be courteous to others. Obey the campus noise ordinance rule and keep the volume of your music down. Even though you own speakers the size of box cars, this does not give you license to play rap music loud enough to make the Resident Assistant's ears bleed. If the bass vibrations are causing the paint to peel from your walls, it's time to lower the noise a few decibels.

Another thing about being courteous---it doesn't matter if you have the appetite of a Viking--- you don't need to prove this by entering every binge eating contest on campus (especially the ones involving beans). This is not the way to start a friendship with the guy you'll be sharing a twelve-by-fifteen-foot dorm room with. Methane gas explosions are grounds for solitary confinement in an underground bunker.

Sexual relationships. The safest sex is NO sex, but until they invent a male chastity belt, this advice cannot be repeated enough: USE CONDOMS PROPERLY. Don't inflate them into giraffes or ribbed monkeys for the party crowd. This will not impress the ladies.

Don't give in to peer pressure. No matter what anyone tells you, chugging shots of Tobasco sauce on a dare by your frat buddies will NOT score you popularity points. You'll forever be known as the gullible freshman who spent quality time on the crapper screaming, "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

Be grateful for what you have. It doesn't matter if your friends are driving new Mustangs or tricked-out trucks that belong in a Monster Jam show. There's no shame in driving a 1999 Honda Odyssey with missing hubcaps, as long as the engine still runs. Look on the bright side—at least your Flintstone mobile has a floorboard and a gas pedal.

Budget your money wisely. If your beer expenses exceed your yearly tuition, you're doing it wrong.

Maintain a clean living space. Empty the trash regularly. Discard old pizza crusts hidden under your bed before they become an all-you-can-eat bug buffet. German cockroaches and bull ants are NOT considered exotic pets.

Another word of advice: If your bathroom looks like a petri dish experiment gone awry and smells like a dumpster behind a Chinese restaurant, it's time for a hazmat suit and a bottle of bleach to attack the fungus growing around your toilet.

Study, study, study. This MUST come before you party, party, party…. or else you'll flunk, flunk, flunk.

Don't rush into a romantic relationship with the first coed you meet. Enjoy your freedom and date a variety of girls until you find the right one. It doesn't matter how pretty she is or whether or not she can ride the mechanical bull longer than seven seconds. Sharing several rounds of tequila with a woman you hardly know will land your ass at a drive-thru wedding chapel in Las Vegas.

Always be prepared. Stock up on Gatorade, aspirin, and potato chips—the trifecta of hangover remedies. Keep a pillow in your backpack at all times, too. You never know when you might end up sleeping on a fraternity house roof in your best friend's bath tub.

Don't do stupid shit. If you participate in an office chair relay race down a major highway, don't expect me to post your bail. Knowing your fondness for lighter fluid and matches, just remember that it's all fun and games until someone tosses a homemade flame thrower on the Dean's front lawn.

Cherish your good friends. These are the buddies who will pick you up at 5:00 a.m. from a dive bar on the outskirts of town. And they'll never tell a soul that you were wearing Hello Kitty duct tape underwear when they found you passed out on the bathroom floor.

Always keep your sense of humor. If you wake one morning to Post-it Notes covering your bedroom walls and your vehicle cocooned in bubble wrap, learn to laugh it off. Knowing you as I do, your roommates will find out soon enough what the true meaning of karmic retribution is.

Your father and I are thrilled to see you test your independence with the tools you've been given. We love you so much and we're proud of you. We also have every confidence in your abilities and judgment. But if you do happen to get caught with a flame thrower on the Dean's lawn, please call your siblings to post your bail. Your father and I will be too busy running with the bulls at the AARP convention in Kalamazoo.

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This has been a crazy week for me----I've been hopping all around the internet! I'm honored to have several posts featured on three different sites this time--- YAY! First up was my toddler post on Mom Babble which you can read here: http://mombabble.com/2015/08/no-longer-raising-a-toddler/ Next up was my Neighbors From Hell post that BLUNTmoms picked up, which you can also read here: http://www.bluntmoms.com/the-neighbors-from-hell/?utm_content=bufferbd17a&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer And lastly, my post, "The Box", was featured on The Good Mother Project, which you can read here: http://goodmotherproject.com/2015/08/the-box

Friday, June 26, 2015

Nine Ways To Light Up Your Man (Or Not) Guest Post By: Vikki Claflin

One of my favorite things to do during the summer when things slow down a bit, is to get caught up on my reading. I have stacks and stacks of books that I'm dying to read, and most are written by my fellow writer friends. There's something magical about getting cozy on the couch with a cup of coffee in one hand a good book in the other.

Another favorite pastime of mine is visiting my fellow writer's blog sites to see what they've been up to over the summer----the trips they're taking, new recipes they've tried, DIY home projects and of course, my favorite thing---HUMOR posts!

This summer while I'm getting caught up on my reading (and working on a special writing project…shhhh!), I'm going to invite a few of my favorite writers to pop on my site once or twice a month to share their awesomeness with you.

Today I am over the moon happy to have my sweet friend Vikki Clafin of Laugh Lines on my blog! I ADORE this woman---she's kind and generous and so damn FUNNY!! Vikki has the ability to pull me back up when the world brings me down; she dusts me off and convinces me to keep moving forward with my dreams by reminding me that the hard work will soon pay off. Seeing as we are both authors of humor books, Vikki and I share the same goals in life and are always here to lift one another up. It really is wonderful to share this journey with such a good friend!

Please welcome my beautiful, talented and super funny gal pal Vikki Clafin to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love! Thank you!

9 Ways to Light Up Your Man (or Not)

I was recently running a Google search for material on another post, and up popped a dropdown selection of ways to spice things up in ye’ ole marital bedroom.

Congenitally incapable of not going where I shouldn’t, I clicked on a few links. Three hours later, my cheeks hurt from laughing out loud at the visuals in my head, as I imagined Hubs’ responses, and I’d completely forgotten what I originally sat down to research. But whatever it was, this was way better.

I decided to share some of the best suggestions with you because, well, that’s the generous kind of person I am. Who knows? Maybe I can save a marriage or two. What can’t be resolved by a teenage style make-out session in the family SUV? You’re welcome.

1. Send him on a “Love Hunt.” Similar to a treasure hunt, but he must drive all over town, asking storeowners if they’re hiding something for him from his wife. Suggestions were the liquor store for his favorite beverage; the florist for their limited-edition “You’re My Hot Stuff” bouquet; and Safeway for a half-dozen “I Heart my Husband” balloons.

Yeah, no.

Hubs hates to run errands, and although I could probably sell him on the liquor store, I’m reasonably certain, after 15 years together, that flowers and balloons wouldn’t get him where I wanted him to go.

2. Sex up the bathtub. Light a couple dozen candles, draw a deep bubble bath, and pour the champagne. Get into the tub and call him with, “Babe, can you bring me a towel?” The theory is that he’ll take one look at you lounging naked and bubbly in the tub, backlit by the soft glow of the candlelight, and be diving in to join you before the water cools.

The one time I tried something similar (two candles, wine, and no bubbles), Hubs dashed down the hall with a towel, tossed it through the open bathroom door, with nary a glance, yelling “Gonzaga is up by 12!!” as he ran back to the living room to watch the game.

3. Take personal photos of your man so everyone can see what a stud he is. Suggestions included cowboy hat and boots, pajamas, briefs or boxers, and of course, nekkid.

Just…Wow.

My brain just can’t formulate an appropriate way to ask Hubs if I can photograph him in his birthday suit, wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and boots, so all my Facebook friends can see what a hunka-hunk I married.

4. Kidnap him. Walk in, unannounced, to his workplace, and hold a toy gun on him while you handcuff his wrists, and take him away for “secret interrogation.”

Oh. My. God.

Any visual of me walking onto Hubs’ job site and slapping handcuffs on him while carting him away for an obvious afternoon of motel room boogie ends with him being totally mortified, while the scene is embellished and replayed for weeks at every construction site in town. I’m not sure that making your man the laughingstock of his industry for the next year is the way to his…well, you know.

5. Share his favorite sport by initiating sex with him on the football field, the soccer field, or in the gym. Because nothing turns a man on like having his name in the local paper for public nudity and indecency after getting caught having sex in a public stadium by the high school marching band. All 42 members.

6. Give him you as a present. Cover yourself with sticky bows and let him take them off one by one.

Before we get started, who puts the bows on any area I can’t reach? I scrolled my speed dial list and couldn’t find a single person I’d be comfortable calling to ask if they would come over and slap red bows on my naked behind. As for Hubs peeling them off? Possibly the world’s worst Brazilian.

7. Send him to work with a balloon bouquet. Fill his car with balloons that have tiny “I love you” notes inside, and leave a pin with a note that says he has to pop all the balloons before he can get into his car.

Maybe I’m getting old, but this would just piss me off. Trying to get out the door to work and finding my car full of cutesy teenage-appropriate balloons that I had to pop and then clean up before I went to work would not be foreplay.

8. Take a walk in the rain, wearing nothing but your raincoat and rain boots.

Are you high??

Walking in the rain is one of those things that sounds more romantic than it really is. And the mental image of me, standing in the rain, shivering, with hair plastered to my head and water running down my face, flashing Hubs in nothing but rubber boots and 58-year-old boobs would pretty much guarantee never getting laid again.

9. Be Jane and Tarzan. Him in a loincloth and you in a leopard print bikini. Feed him by hand from a bowl of nuts, fruits, and berries while jungle drums play on your iPod.

Few things leave me speechless.

This might have worked in my 20s. But Midlife Jane, still trying to work the leopard thong, with body parts having migrated visibly southward and butt jiggling in time to the jungle drums, as I snuggle up to Hubs with a handful of berries, is more likely to send him screaming for an eye wash station.

At this point, I decided that the best way to find out what would fire Hubs up would be to ask him. “That’s easy,” he grinned, “Greet me at the door. Naked. Holding a beer and a sandwich.”

Notwithstanding the fact that, at 58, naked is not my best presentation, I can do that. What the hell. As long as it doesn’t involve balloons.

BIO:

Vikki lives in Hood River, OR, where she writes the award-winning humor blog Laugh Lines, sharing the funny ups and down of midlife. She believes that laughter, a good glass of wine, andan econo-sized box of Milk Duds are the path to true zen. Vikki has been featured on the Michael J. Fox Foundation website, Erma Bombeck’s Writer’s Workshop, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Midlife Boulevard, Better After 50, and Funny Times Magazine. She also received a BlogHer14 “Voices of the Year” Humor award. Vikki recently released her new book Shake, Rattle and Roll With It: Living and Laughing with Parkinson’s, recently added to Amazon.com Editor's Favorite Books of 2014, which chronicles her hilarious, and sometimes poignant journey living with Parkinson’s disease. Her book is available at Amazon.com.

LINKS:

http://laugh-lines.net

https://facebook.com/laughlinesblog

http://twitter.com/vikkiclaflin

http://pinterest.com/vikkiclaflin

http://amazon.com/dp/1497476895

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA??*** I am THRILLED to be featured on THE MID this week with a poignant post titled: "What Happened When I Finally Stopped Counting Calories And Embraced Life", which you can read here: http://www.themid.com/wellness/i-am-embracing-my-inner-beauty-for-my-children-but-mostly-for-myself?u=unknown

Menopausal Mother

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