Showing posts with label Drinking. Show all posts

Friday, July 12, 2019

12 Things You Should Never Do At Home If You've Been Drinking

Most of us have done it at one time or another---tied one on while sitting at home on a Saturday night (and thankfully, not behind the wheel of a car---EVER). After experiencing a massive, head-splitting hangover the next day, we usually learn our lesson. But sometimes it takes more than a single night of praying to the porcelain god to get the message across that getting drunk is NOT FUN. Stuff happens when we drink too much....bad things.

Next time you think you can handle that extra cocktail, think again....or else you might end up regretting your alcohol-infused decisions the next morning when you wake up to a shaved-off eyebrow or a wad of peppermint gum knotted in your hair (don't ask how I know). What else could possibly go wrong? Well, I wouldn't attempt any of the following if I was busy tying one on at home:

1. Google your hangover symptoms on WebMD and discover that you either have gout, IBS or leprosy.

2. Create a single's profile on FarmersOnly.com with the user name, "Big Meat."

3. Cut your bangs with kitchen shears....but only if you dig the Friar Tuck look.

4. Impulse-shop on eBay and buy a Daenerys Targaryen wig for your cat, along with an inflatable Iron Throne.

5. Call your Mother-in-law to announce that you're tired of her dry rump roast recipe and that this year you'll be hosting an all-vegan Easter dinner complete with faux ham made from wheat gluten and yeast.

6. Drunk text your boss in Klingonese.

7. Mow the lawn at night, decapitating every sprinkler head in the yard.

8. Update your status on Facebook: "Does anyone recognize this weird rash on my groin?" (photo included).

9. Apply Dollar Store tanning lotion to your face and body. In the morning everyone will think you spent the weekend sunning at Mar-a-Lago.

10. Invite a friend who owns a home tattoo kit to come over and ink something on an unmentionable part of your body; something that will be seen by every gynecologist you visit from now until eternity.

11. Investigate that strange sound outside from behind the trash cans. Decide that you missed your calling as a "rodent whisperer" and attempt hand-feeding that cute mother possum and her babies.

12. Spice up things in the bedroom with your partner by trying out the Kama Sutra g-force position. Call out of work tomorrow for a herniated disc.

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA?? I am SO THRILLED to share my debut piece on the coveted McSweeney's site! This has been on my bucket list for several years now, so you can imagine how HAPPY I AM!! You can check it out here: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/gimme-organic-seaweed-thins-sriracha-almond

Friday, September 4, 2015

Eight Types Of People Who Annoy Me

The best thing about the human race is our individuality. The world would be a dull place indeed if we all dressed the same, talked the same, and shared identical opinions on everything from ice cream flavors to presidential candidates. Our uniqueness is what makes us interesting.

While I respect individuality, there are also certain types of people who annoy the hell out of me. Their "uniqueness" doesn't jive with my own personality flaws (which include impatience, irritability, and a short attention span), and they bring out the worst in me. They make me feel stabby, which is never good for someone who is going through menopause.

If you fit into one of these categories, stay far, far away from me. Or better yet, hide your forks.

THE MOTORMOUTH: This is the person who never knows when to stop talking. There's a tiny motor attached to their mouth and it's set on warp speed. Their incessant chatter triggers an instant headache while I'm trying to process the minute details of a story they're eager to share. I'm not interested in hearing "101 fun facts" about your new turbo vacuum. Nor do I need to know the name of every dairy cow that contributed to the chunks of imported cheese behind the deli counter.

INDECISIVE PEOPLE: I refer to these people as "wafflers." They can't make up their mind about ANYTHING. Ever go out to dinner with these people? If the restaurant has an extensive menu, you might as well bring a sleeping bag because you'll be camping under the table for days.

A waffler will agonize for hours over the abundance of food choices. Fried calamari or beef sliders? It's impossible for these people to make it through a four-course meal because the restaurant's kitchen closes at midnight. For the love of all that is holy, pick the damn calamari and call it a night.

BRAGGARTS: Whenever you share a personal victory, these people like to pipe in about something BETTER that happened to them. They could care less about your trip to Wally World last summer because they were busy partying it up in Monaco. And even though you're proud of the 5K race you ran last weekend, the Braggart is quick to remind you that they ran a 10K race in 102 degrees… uphill. Both ways.

NEGATIVE PEOPLE: No matter how much positivity you try to send out into the universe, negative people will find something wrong with the very things that make you the happiest.

"I just got a promotion at work!"
"Say goodbye to your social life because you'll probably have to work nights and weekends from now on."

"I just bought a new car!"
"I heard there was a recall on that model."

Carry an umbrella when you're around these people, because they will always delight in raining on your parade.

THE CHRONIC COMPLAINER: This person is impossible to please. Nothing is good enough, and fault can be found in just about everything. Their boss is a jerk, their spouse is a slob, their kids are unappreciative, their rent is too high and they have mysterious illnesses that keep them from enjoying pretty much everything in life. Whatever you do, NEVER ask a chronic complainer how their day is going. An ear full of wax is preferable to an earful of misery, which is what these people will give you.

KNOW-IT-ALLS: My biggest pet peeve is with people who think they know EVERYTHING. Heck, they don't even mind telling me how to run my life. If I ask for your advice, great. Give it to me, and chances are I might actually follow it. But when someone steps into my personal territory and tells me how to do something that I feel I have already accomplished on my own, the claws come out. Unless you've discovered a more efficient way to plunge a toilet without splash-back from a fecal bomb, then please keep your opinions to yourself until I ask for your advice.

UNRELIABLE PEOPLE: Don't promise me that you're going to do something…..and then bail on me. Don't change plans at the last minute, either---this messes with my OCD. If we have plans to go to dinner at 6:30 and you don't show up until 7:15, I might have to start the party without you. Which means I might be a hot mess by the time you arrive.

OVER-THE-TOP INDEPENDENT SALES ENTHUSIASTS: I get that you have a job to do, but please stop pressuring me to buy your nail sticker designs, powdered shakes, knock-off designer bags, miracle skincare products, prepackaged diet food or emoticon-shaped jewelry. If I win the lottery and can afford all of these products, I'll let you know. Otherwise, back off…..unless you're selling baked goods. I'm always ready to shell out money for a good cupcake.

What type of people annoy you? Oh wait, let me guess…..people who make lists of the people who annoy them the most.

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week I'm featured n BLUNTmoms with my post, "8 People I Love To Hate At The Gym." You can read it here: http://www.bluntmoms.com/8-people-love-hate-gym/

Friday, August 14, 2015

A Mother's Advice To Her Son On The Eve Of His Departure For College

It's hard to believe that you'll soon be heading off to college. This is the moment your father and I have been preparing you for, but that doesn't make it any easier to let you go. It has been an honor guiding you through the first eighteen years of your life.

Although I’m excited to see you begin this new chapter, I can’t help but think of the void you’ll leave behind. I’ll miss the army of teenagers that followed you home to camp out on our sofas and rummage through our pantry. With the amount of food eaten and the space taken up, I could have charged more than Motel 6 on a Saturday night.

I'm also going to miss playing mattress tag with Mr. Insomnia during those long nights when you skipped your curfew. I really enjoyed checking my phone every five minutes for a text and watching the news for accident updates in our area. God knows, you've entertained me for years with exciting games such as "No officer, I didn't mean to drive seventy miles per hour through a school zone" and "Let's hop on a bus bound for Orlando without telling Mom." If I hadn't experienced those heart stopping moments, I never would have discovered how easily gray hair can be covered up with blonde dye.

You’ve always kept me on my toes and challenged my patience when it came to household chores. A bathroom with algae growing in the shower. Milk cartons and soggy gym shorts emitting foul odors from under your bed. Without a sink full of crusty dishes and a mile-high pile of dirty clothes, I'll have far too much time on my hands. This might be the perfect time to turn our empty nest into an alpaca farm.

Before the chaos of moving day begins, I'd like to leave you with some parting words:

Eat healthy. Visit the salad bar more than once a week to counteract the mass quantities of burgers, pizza and chicken wings you are sure to inhale. But stock up on peanut butter and bread----you never know when the daily special at the cafeteria will be calves' liver and Brussels sprouts.

Good hygiene is important. Do not forgo the shower and coat yourself in Axe body spray to mask the smell of your morning jog. Antibacterial soap was invented for a reason.

It will also be helpful to keep a box of Q-tips handy at all times. Girls will notice if you're farming sweet potatoes in your ears. The same goes for your teeth. Always floss and brush. It's not normal for your teeth to look and feel like they're wearing sweaters. And, for the love of God, don't forget to trim your toenails. Unless you plan on joining a commune of nocturnal creatures, your nails shouldn't resemble the Hobbit’s feet.

Be courteous to others. Obey the campus noise ordinance rule and keep the volume of your music down. Even though you own speakers the size of box cars, this does not give you license to play rap music loud enough to make the Resident Assistant's ears bleed. If the bass vibrations are causing the paint to peel from your walls, it's time to lower the noise a few decibels.

Another thing about being courteous---it doesn't matter if you have the appetite of a Viking--- you don't need to prove this by entering every binge eating contest on campus (especially the ones involving beans). This is not the way to start a friendship with the guy you'll be sharing a twelve-by-fifteen-foot dorm room with. Methane gas explosions are grounds for solitary confinement in an underground bunker.

Sexual relationships. The safest sex is NO sex, but until they invent a male chastity belt, this advice cannot be repeated enough: USE CONDOMS PROPERLY. Don't inflate them into giraffes or ribbed monkeys for the party crowd. This will not impress the ladies.

Don't give in to peer pressure. No matter what anyone tells you, chugging shots of Tobasco sauce on a dare by your frat buddies will NOT score you popularity points. You'll forever be known as the gullible freshman who spent quality time on the crapper screaming, "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

Be grateful for what you have. It doesn't matter if your friends are driving new Mustangs or tricked-out trucks that belong in a Monster Jam show. There's no shame in driving a 1999 Honda Odyssey with missing hubcaps, as long as the engine still runs. Look on the bright side—at least your Flintstone mobile has a floorboard and a gas pedal.

Budget your money wisely. If your beer expenses exceed your yearly tuition, you're doing it wrong.

Maintain a clean living space. Empty the trash regularly. Discard old pizza crusts hidden under your bed before they become an all-you-can-eat bug buffet. German cockroaches and bull ants are NOT considered exotic pets.

Another word of advice: If your bathroom looks like a petri dish experiment gone awry and smells like a dumpster behind a Chinese restaurant, it's time for a hazmat suit and a bottle of bleach to attack the fungus growing around your toilet.

Study, study, study. This MUST come before you party, party, party…. or else you'll flunk, flunk, flunk.

Don't rush into a romantic relationship with the first coed you meet. Enjoy your freedom and date a variety of girls until you find the right one. It doesn't matter how pretty she is or whether or not she can ride the mechanical bull longer than seven seconds. Sharing several rounds of tequila with a woman you hardly know will land your ass at a drive-thru wedding chapel in Las Vegas.

Always be prepared. Stock up on Gatorade, aspirin, and potato chips—the trifecta of hangover remedies. Keep a pillow in your backpack at all times, too. You never know when you might end up sleeping on a fraternity house roof in your best friend's bath tub.

Don't do stupid shit. If you participate in an office chair relay race down a major highway, don't expect me to post your bail. Knowing your fondness for lighter fluid and matches, just remember that it's all fun and games until someone tosses a homemade flame thrower on the Dean's front lawn.

Cherish your good friends. These are the buddies who will pick you up at 5:00 a.m. from a dive bar on the outskirts of town. And they'll never tell a soul that you were wearing Hello Kitty duct tape underwear when they found you passed out on the bathroom floor.

Always keep your sense of humor. If you wake one morning to Post-it Notes covering your bedroom walls and your vehicle cocooned in bubble wrap, learn to laugh it off. Knowing you as I do, your roommates will find out soon enough what the true meaning of karmic retribution is.

Your father and I are thrilled to see you test your independence with the tools you've been given. We love you so much and we're proud of you. We also have every confidence in your abilities and judgment. But if you do happen to get caught with a flame thrower on the Dean's lawn, please call your siblings to post your bail. Your father and I will be too busy running with the bulls at the AARP convention in Kalamazoo.

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This has been a crazy week for me----I've been hopping all around the internet! I'm honored to have several posts featured on three different sites this time--- YAY! First up was my toddler post on Mom Babble which you can read here: http://mombabble.com/2015/08/no-longer-raising-a-toddler/ Next up was my Neighbors From Hell post that BLUNTmoms picked up, which you can also read here: http://www.bluntmoms.com/the-neighbors-from-hell/?utm_content=bufferbd17a&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer And lastly, my post, "The Box", was featured on The Good Mother Project, which you can read here: http://goodmotherproject.com/2015/08/the-box

Menopausal Mother

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