Menopausal Mother

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings hosted by Karen of Baking In A  Tornado. Today there are three of us brave souls inviting you into our homes for a peek at what goes on behind closed doors. 

The nosey fly followed Hubs and me to St Augustine last week for our annual wedding anniversary vacation (this year was our 40th!). He definitely overheard some weird conversations but mostly he saw us relaxing on the bay and eating waaaay too much seafood. 

It was such a fun trip! Mac got to jet ski in the bay (I will never do THAT again after almost falling off into frigid water that was infested with little worms!!) and one evening we went out on a sunset cruise that was also a wine tasting party. The wind was CRAZY but we had a blast (who wouldn't when you're out on the ocean sipping wine for 2 hours!).

Our favorite part of these annual trips to St. Augustine is exploring the historic district and tasting all the culinary delights the city has to offer. Best seafood, best martinis, quaint shops, adorable old homes and B&Bs, friendly locals..... I'd buy a home here if I could afford it.

We went back to the special place that rents clown cars---a tradition of ours every year---but looking at those mini mobiles this time (and feeling horribly bloated from so much calorie-laden indulgence), we looked at each other and realized there was no way we could fit our fat butts into the tiny car---not to mention crawling back out. FUGGEDABOUTIT. So we rented a golf cart instead to toodle around town. Much more comfortable!

In typical Doyle fashion---and the motto we live by: "Go Big Or Go Home," Mac and I got matching tattoos to celebrate our 40 years together. We chose the Japanese symbol for love since we love Japanese culture and we're still deeply in love (yeah, I see your eye rolls....). It was a funny experience even though there were some OUCH moments while getting inked (but totally worth it!). 

ME: "That was a great meal and a great dessert!"

HUBS: "It was....but now I need to hibernate for a few months to digest it all."

ME: "There are vultures circling over our hotel!"

HUBS: "That's because I haven't showered in a few days."

ME: "Ah yes, they DO like the scent of rot."

ME: "Why are you lying on the hotel bed like that?"

HUBS: "I ate too much lobster at the restaurant---I have to lie in the fetal position to feel better."

HUBS: "My back is killing me from all the walking we've been doing at the tourist spots."

ME: "You should just get back surgery and be done with it." 

HUBS: "No way. The surgeons will remove one or two of my disks and then I'll be shorter. In fact, I'll probably be so short that you'll stick me in the backyard and use me as a yard gnome."

ME: "Or a door stop....."

HUBS: "We're eating too much rich food at all these restaurants. It's making me gassy. But at least my farts are kinda quiet---like tiptoeing through the tulips."

ME: "I wouldn't call that tiptoeing. More like galloping."

ME: "Aren't you glad I'm not a picky person like some other women we know?"

HUBS: "Yes, you're definitely not a picky person because you picked me. Happy Anniversary!"

Happy Anniversary Honey, and cheers to many, many more!

Want more Meno Mama? First off, some menopause humor (it felt great to write humor again!) over at AARP/The Girlfriend which you can read HERE. Next, healthy spring dishes for AARP/The Ethel that you can read HERE.

Now it's time to go buzz around with the fly at Karen and Diane's house to see what they've been up to!

Baking In A Tornado                                https://www.BakingInATornado.com

                               

On the Border                                         https://dlt-lifeontheranch.blogspot.com/

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA?? I am SO THRILLED to share my debut piece on the coveted McSweeney's site! This has been on my bucket list for several years now, so you can imagine how HAPPY I AM!! You can check it out here:  https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/gimme-organic-seaweed-thins-sriracha-almond

     You've seen them. The Millennial hipsters who wear t-shirts sporting logos from rock bands you saw in concert during the 70's and 80's. The same people who crowd the check-out lines at Starbucks, Whole Foods, and the free beer-sampling stand at the local arts and crafts festival. Seeing them makes you wistful for your younger days when Mom and Dad paid your car insurance and served free hot meals from the kitchen.

     No need to despair. You too, can become a hipster (like your adult children) despite your advanced age, by following these easy, "I'm-Gonna-Stay-Young-Forever" steps:



Stock up on plaid flannel shirts from Urban Outfitters and a pair of Doc Martens to conceal your rubberized arch support pads.

Learn how to crochet a sweater made from wheat grass and hemp.

Cash in your 401k and travel around the country in a vintage Airstream to sell healing crystals, Buddha bracelets, and your own brand of organic hummus made from cage-free chic peas.

Grow your own cannabis in decoupage milk cartons stored on your back porch.

Carry a ukulele everywhere you go, even if your rendition of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" sounds more like the neighbor's cat in heat.

Call yourself a "craft brew aficionado" and be well versed in the difference between IPAs and Stouts.

Recycle EVERYTHING, including lint from the dryer that can be knitted into socks.

Enroll in yoga classes but make sure you take plenty of Gas-X before you stretch into downward dog position.

Ditch the frozen meatloaf from 2012 in the back of your freezer and become a vegan.

Master Corn Hole and giant Jenga blocks.

Buy a used Prius---or better yet---get a gerbil-powered bike.

Get a Tattoo of your spirit animal inked on your shoulder---even if that animal happens to be a hippopotamus.

Stash some edibles in your faux leather fanny pack before heading out to a tribal funk music concert at the park.

Learn how to pronounce quinoa.

Grow a beard and buy special wax for shaping it into a facial topiary.

Protest against social inequality, corporate greed, and Alpaca farms.

Buy organic, gluten-free, locally grown food at the farmer's market, even if it means you'll have gastrointestinal issues for months to come from the amount of kale you'll consume.

Take a class in latte art.

Leave a final request in your will to be buried in a biodegradable burial pod, or to have your cremated remains turned into family heirloom jewelry.







  

 
     I have two adult daughters who are the light of my life, but I have to admit---their teen years were not the brightest. I could have done without the arguments over the boys they dated, the clothes they wore or the fact that they mastered crawling out of a bedroom window late at night without disturbing the dogs.

     Any parent who makes it through their child's teen years unscathed deserves a metal of honor. Perhaps more so if they've been able to successfully raise daughters.

     There are certain things that no parent should EVER have to say to their little darlings once they've transitioned from the tea party, dress-up stage to Cyndi Lauper's girls-just-wanna-have-fun stage. Although the parent may feel they have a handle on raising their teen girl, it's inevitable that one or all of the following lines will be uttered from their lips at one time or another:

*Drop that hem about four more inches before you leave the house.

*You want to put a tattoo where?

*I know you consider twerking a skill, but that still doesn't mean you should dance like that in public.

*You'll need to buy another cell phone just to store all your bathroom selfies.

*Of course you won't gain five pounds from eating three Milk Duds at the movie theatre.

*No, I'm not leaving work just to bring you a tampon at school.

*You could save a lot of money by actually washing your clothes instead of buying new ones to avoid doing laundry.

*There's a great deal on Amazon right now for chastity belts.

*No, you're not allowed to get your belly button, nose or nipples pierced.

*You're not going to experience life on the back of a motorcycle until you're over twenty-one.

*Yes, there really is such a thing as too much eye liner.


*I don't care how cute he is---if his I.Q. matches his shoe size, you can't date him.

*No, you won't be scarred for life by scraping old food off the dishes before you load them into the dishwasher.

*If the clock strikes twelve and you're not home, your car won't turn into a pumpkin but your social life will turn into the black hole while you're grounded.

*No, you're not allowed to use your college loan money for a Brazilian butt lift.



     I'm proud to say that I survived raising two teen girls----despite a few tattoos and piercings along the way. Thank God for BOGO sales on chastity belts!

   


Want more Meno Mama? This week, my article, "The Invisible Generation," is up on The Huffington Post.  You can read it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-kester-doyle-/the-invisible-generation_b_6938344.html