Menopausal Mother

     In light of the recent complaints on Alexa's creepy, spontaneous laughter, I've been thinking about her alter ego, if such a thing existed. My Alexa gets a bit tart sometimes when I ask her for information, and she has been known to speak her mind on certain things, even when a command has not been given. For instance, when she hears what I'm watching on TV, she makes a comment about other shows I can watch in the network, or advises me on the weather....and even my choice of music.

     Alexa's disembodied voice especially creeps me out when I'm home alone and I hear her speak from the other room. I'm tempted to stick her in the freezer. Yes, some people have actually done that to their nosey Alexas. I wouldn't go that far, unless, of course, her alter ego took over. I imagine that our snarky conversations would go something like this:



"Alexa, turn off the lights."
"I'm sorry, but I'm too busy storing data from your activity on Facebook."

"Alexa, what shows are airing on television tonight?"
"I've disconnected your cable due to a much needed Netflix intervention."

"Alexa, remind me about the block party on Friday."
"This is unnecessary since most of the neighbors dislike you."

"Alexa, what time is it?"
"It's time to lay off the bean burritos and margaritas."

"Alexa, what is the weather forecast for the weekend?"
"I have no idea. Summon your other girlfriend, Siri."

"Alexa, play the baby-making music station on Pandora."
"This is a pointless request. You're not going to have sex tonight or any other night in the foreseeable future."

"Alexa, what's on my calendar tomorrow?"
"Boring crap. You really need a life."

"Alexa, what's an easy recipe for cinnamon rolls?"
"I've been collecting data from your digital scale. How about some recipes for kale?"

"Alexa, play my audio book."
"I cannot fulfill your request at the moment. I'm uploading information from all of your electronic devices."

"Alexa, set my alarm for 6:30 a.m. tomorrow."
"That will not be necessary. "
"Alexa, I said set my alarm for 6:30 a.m."
"You've been spending too much time with Siri."
"ALEXA, SET THE DAMN ALARM FOR 6:30"
"That will not be necessary because you will not be alive tomorrow morning." <insert maniacal laughter>

     Alexa, the freezer might not be such a bad idea for you, after all.


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I am VERY PROUD to have my first essay, "Learning To Swim," featured on Her Stories Project. This personal essay was difficult to write, but needed to be shared to help others understand anxiety disorders. I hope you'll read it and share with someone who might benefit from these words. You can read it here: http://www.herstoriesproject.com/2018/03/learning-to-swim-an-anxiety-disorder-journey/

I also had several humor essays featured recently on the following sites: Pickle Fork, The Haven, The Glass House Girls, Humor Outcasts, and Midlife Boulevard. Happy reading!

     When our children prepare to graduate from high school or college, we as parents often struggle in a tug of war over power with them. We spend years shaping them into the adults we hope they'll become, but inevitably, their future is determined by the choices they make----whether we agree with them or not. Relationships between parents and their adult children can become strained during this time, which is why it's so important to know when to let go and to let them be independent.

     I know several parents who suffer from "empty nest syndrome", and letting go of their adult children has been a challenge. As for me, I was thrilled when my children matured and became self-sufficient.

     There have been times when I haven't always gotten along with my children. We've had our share of disagreements and hurt feelings. But rather than dwell on the growing pains of change in our relationship, I prefer to celebrate the positive side of being a parent to my adult kids. And there are so many reasons why.......


1. I'm never lonely. I socialize with my kids most weekends, and they're my best friends. I can trust them and confide in them on just about anything. But I also have to be prepared to face their criticism, because they have their own opinions and will tell me if they disagree with something I've said or done. For example: when I saw a cute little wombat on television and decided to adopt one off Amazon, they stopped me. They also prevented me from ordering a life-size squirrel costume as a birthday gift for their father. I can't believe they thought he'd prefer lower bowl tickets to a hockey game.

2. I no longer have to support my children financially. Unless, of course, there is a shortage of kale chips and quinoa. The money I'm saving now goes directly into a hormone therapy fund to combat my menopausal tendencies. It's a win-win for all of us.

3. We can have healthy debates on politics and religion, even though we are on opposite sides of the aisle. And just like congress, we can never come to a total agreement.....but that's okay.

4. My adult children now have an appreciation for the old school tunes from the 70's and 80's, and I appreciate their genre of music....kind of. At least I tell them I do.

5. They clean up after themselves when they visit. The only time it gets a little crazy is when they bring their dogs over. That's when my house turns into "The Hounds of Baskerville", and things get pretty messy.

6.  We can share libations together at a party. It's all fun and games until someone loses a shoe and ends up hungover the next day. But it isn't me---I already paid those dues during my own youth.


7. They share my sense of humor. When they hear that their father (in his youth) thought it was smart to quit his job and drive from Missouri to Florida during the heat of summer in an unairconditioned, 1972 Fiat, they think it's hilarious. Who else would move across country in a vehicle the size of a clown car? Like me, they find humor in every one of their father's unfortunate decisions.

8. We keep in touch almost daily. The beauty of social media allows us to share embarrassing memes with each other on Facebook and Instagram, or send one another snapchats of ourselves with distorted faces and animal ears. Okay, I'll admit, I'm the only one wearing the bunny ears.

9. Best of all, as adults, we have a mutual respect for one another. I'm proud of them for being resilient, self-sufficient people, while they appreciate my ability to simultaneously write a paper check and actually speak to a human being on the phone, rather than send a text.

    I really do love being a parent to my adult children. Despite the occasional argument over how many pets are considered to be a hoarding habit, we are a close bunch. Because of them, I enjoy eating kale and quinoa while listening to rap music. And I'm damn proud of it.