Menopausal Mother

     In light of the recent complaints on Alexa's creepy, spontaneous laughter, I've been thinking about her alter ego, if such a thing existed. My Alexa gets a bit tart sometimes when I ask her for information, and she has been known to speak her mind on certain things, even when a command has not been given. For instance, when she hears what I'm watching on TV, she makes a comment about other shows I can watch in the network, or advises me on the weather....and even my choice of music.

     Alexa's disembodied voice especially creeps me out when I'm home alone and I hear her speak from the other room. I'm tempted to stick her in the freezer. Yes, some people have actually done that to their nosey Alexas. I wouldn't go that far, unless, of course, her alter ego took over. I imagine that our snarky conversations would go something like this:



"Alexa, turn off the lights."
"I'm sorry, but I'm too busy storing data from your activity on Facebook."

"Alexa, what shows are airing on television tonight?"
"I've disconnected your cable due to a much needed Netflix intervention."

"Alexa, remind me about the block party on Friday."
"This is unnecessary since most of the neighbors dislike you."

"Alexa, what time is it?"
"It's time to lay off the bean burritos and margaritas."

"Alexa, what is the weather forecast for the weekend?"
"I have no idea. Summon your other girlfriend, Siri."

"Alexa, play the baby-making music station on Pandora."
"This is a pointless request. You're not going to have sex tonight or any other night in the foreseeable future."

"Alexa, what's on my calendar tomorrow?"
"Boring crap. You really need a life."

"Alexa, what's an easy recipe for cinnamon rolls?"
"I've been collecting data from your digital scale. How about some recipes for kale?"

"Alexa, play my audio book."
"I cannot fulfill your request at the moment. I'm uploading information from all of your electronic devices."

"Alexa, set my alarm for 6:30 a.m. tomorrow."
"That will not be necessary. "
"Alexa, I said set my alarm for 6:30 a.m."
"You've been spending too much time with Siri."
"ALEXA, SET THE DAMN ALARM FOR 6:30"
"That will not be necessary because you will not be alive tomorrow morning." <insert maniacal laughter>

     Alexa, the freezer might not be such a bad idea for you, after all.


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I am VERY PROUD to have my first essay, "Learning To Swim," featured on Her Stories Project. This personal essay was difficult to write, but needed to be shared to help others understand anxiety disorders. I hope you'll read it and share with someone who might benefit from these words. You can read it here: http://www.herstoriesproject.com/2018/03/learning-to-swim-an-anxiety-disorder-journey/

I also had several humor essays featured recently on the following sites: Pickle Fork, The Haven, The Glass House Girls, Humor Outcasts, and Midlife Boulevard. Happy reading!

     Welcome to the June edition of Fly on the Wall group posts, hosted by Karen of Baking In A tornado. Today, nine bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in their homes. 

      I'm still in a "writer's block" funk, so in the meantime, that nosey fly on the wall has seen me skimming through social media in search of something that will tickle my funny bone again. I've also been spending an inordinate amount of time creating Someecard memes from sayings I've found on the internet, and then sharing them on my Menopausal Mother Facebook fan page. If you aren't already following me there, I hope you will, because the page is a sure bet for a few giggles. I also share the work of many of my fellow humor writers there, so be sure to stop by and say hello if you have a Facebook account! 

     Here is a sampling of some of my latest memes that have done well on my fan page: 











     One of the best things that happened this past month was having my article, "Menopause Wrecked Havoc On My Marriage And Sex Life", picked up for publication by Good Housekeeping and Woman's Day. I think the article is very helpful to many menopausal women experiencing the same issues, and I hope everyone gets a chance to read it here: http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/a38903/menopause-affected-my-marriage/






  

    I'll admit it. I've lost my funny bone. It went on vacation to Maui and left me here staring at a blank computer screen with nary an entertaining thought in my head. Oh sure, I can give you all sorts of excuses.... I'm always tired and drawn to the seductive song of my Memory Foam mattress; Menopause has robbed me of any creativity because it's damn hard to be funny when you're sweating at your desk despite the thermostat being set at sub zero temps. And no, I don't care that everyone else in this house is wearing sweaters and complaining through chattering teeth. I've lost my creativity because lately it feels as if the world has gone mad, whether it's over Trump policies or a gorilla shot at a zoo for grabbing a child who fell over a barricade. Social media and the news are full of stories that are quickly making me lose my faith in humanity.

     It's also difficult for me to be funny lately because my Mum is no longer here to bounce my silly ideas off of. She encouraged and inspired me to be the best I could be. She played a huge part in my journey as an author, but now she's gone, and I need to find my voice again without her.

     The other day when I was feeling a bit sorry for myself, I ended up spending time with someone close to my heart who struggles every single day with a debilitating health issue that robs him of living a normal life. It was an eye opener, and made me realize I have no right to complain about my circumstances. I really don't want to wallow in grief and self pity, but depression is a sneaky thief that loves to steal my thunder. It's a ghastly reminder that I'm balancing on a tightrope between sanity and the urge to free-fall into a rocky pit of nothingness. What's the answer here? There is no quick fix. I just need to move from day to day and focus on the small things that are usually the most profound things in this crazy life I live.

     The simplicity of these events is what brings me the most pleasure----that first sip of coffee in the morning when I'm still in my pajamas, a pug softly snoring in my lap; the sweet tang of fresh strawberries from the farmer's market; watching the bluejays in my yard as they gobble up peanuts left in the feeder by my back door; the way sunlight glints off the pavement after a rain storm; my granddaughter's contagious laughter when I alter my voice to sound like the characters in the books I read to her; the way my muscles burn during Zumba class and the afterglow that leaves me feeling exhausted yet empowered; the little kisses my husband sneaks on the nape of my neck when I least expect them; a text from my children telling me that I am loved.

     Yes, I know I'm lucky. Even blessed, as some would say. But knowing this only fuels the guilt that  surfaces whenever I feel myself sliding into that damn rocky pit of despair. I want to turn a blind eye to all the the things that are wrong in the universe and simply focus on what's right. This is why I need humor. It's my therapy in an otherwise scary world. Laughter makes me forget my fears and helps me cheer others who need it as badly as I do. But when that laughter dries up, I feel vulnerable and unsteady on the tightrope. I need that safety net beneath me as much as the next person.

     I'll keep working at humor----it's what Mum would want me to do. But I also have to learn to write for myself, and not just for my readers. It's the only cure I know for beating back a defeatist attitude. I'll find my funny bone again one day. It's out there somewhere, enjoying the surf and sand while I'm drinking lukewarm coffee and praying for a miracle in front of my computer screen. That's okay, though, because the bluejays are out this morning, the dogs are playing in the yard and my granddaughter is reading Dr Seuss to me.

     And for today, it's enough.  



 

     Welcome to a special edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Nine bloggers are inviting you into their homes today to be a fly on the wall. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I first began writing the FOW's two years ago because I wanted a way to remember all of the crazy stuff that came out of the mouths of my family members. I participate in FOW posts 12 times a year, and enjoy sharing the "best of the best" from each year with you. Today I'm recalling some of my favorite remarks that were shared on the blog in 2014.



"Whenever I take my laptop outside, I can't Wi-Fi.  All I get is the spinning wheel of death on my screen."

"You need to do something about that loose toenail. It looks like a tortilla chip on your foot."

"Why on earth did you buy a red star for the top of the tree? We now have a brothel Christmas tree."

"I hate dieting. My stomach is so hungry, it's eating itself."

"You told me this spray tan in a can stuff works. So how come I look like a patchwork quilt?"
"Didn't you read the directions? You're supposed to spray it from 6 feet away."
"How is that humanly possible? My arms aren't 6 feet long!"
"This house runs on love, laughter and chilled bottles of wine."

" I can't enjoy the Christmas feast this year without feeling guilty. You've demonized all the calories."

"Everyone knows you're the twisted branch in the family tree."

"Do you think the IRS will let us use your food baby as a tax deduction?"

"We need to ask my mom for some parenting advice on our son. He's making me crazy."
"Isn't she the one who tied your brother to a clothesline in the backyard while she did the laundry?"
"Like I said, she has the best advice when it comes to raising boys."

"You're really good at crafting words into stupid."

"Stop rubbing my leg with your wolverine toes."

"Note to self: Just because the zumba teacher is twerking in class does not mean that I have to. My back will never be the same."
"I'm so full, I have belly girth. Do they sell Spanx for men?"

"Oh look! The dog is dragging her butt across the carpet. If she picks up enough dust particles, I won't have to vacuum. She's a pug butt Swifter."

"Hangover is such a harsh word. Let's just say I have the wine flu."

"His snoring is driving me crazy. He sounds like a truffle-sniffing pig when he sleeps."

"You would have made a good pirate."
"Why? Because of my thirst for rum?"
"No---because of the grunting noises you make when you eat meat….and the fact that you haven't showered in three days."

"I think it's time to go shopping. My underwear drawer looks like it has been ravaged by moths."

"My liver better hurry up and regenerate because I've been drinking a lot lately."
"Sprinkle Miracle Grow on it. Better yet, start a liver harvesting farm: cornfed and hormone free."
"If I didn't know any better, I'd swear your mother dropped you on your head when you were born."

"He has an intestine longer than I-95….which explains why his poop is the size of a nuclear sub."

"It's obvious you're a holiday hoarder. You need a decoration intervention."
"You have the memory cells of a gnat."

"Every dinner at the Doyle house is like a Man vs Food episode."

"Mom, can I borrow twenty bucks?"
"I don't have it. I just donated all my money to the alpaca rescue fund."

"I had no idea our granddaughter could scream so loud. She sounds like she needs a priest to come in and perform an exorcism."

"If you eat too much couscous, the grains become time bombs. Once they hit the bottom of your gut, they detonate."

"Why is there a two hour special on TV about A.D.D.? People with the disorder can't sit that long to watch it. They'll lose focus after the first five minutes."

"One of the things on my bucket list is to do the running with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain."
"At your age, it will be more like running with the mules."






 

Welcome to another group posting of Fly On The Wall! Thirteen brave bloggers are once again inviting you into their homes for a sneak peek at what goes on behind their closed doors.

This month the fly got dizzy trying to keep up with the Doyles. We've been celebrating lots of family  birthdays in October and having a wee bit too much fun. I'm enjoying a mini stay-at-home vacation while my editor finishes tackling my Spandex book. We're in the home stretch and things are about to get REAL. Did I mention that I'm scared to death? No worries---it's all good. Next month I'll be sharing some exciting news, so stay tuned, my friends.

In the meantime, I have some snippets of conversations that were heard by that nosey fly when he was buzzing around my house. Here is some of what he overheard:



"Zip Lining gives you the world's worst wedgie."

"I think there should be an Octoberfest every month. Novemberfest, Decemberfest, Januaryfest…."


"Whenever I take my laptop outside, I can't Wi-Fi.  All I get is the spinning wheel of death on my screen."

"You need to do something about that loose toenail. It looks like a tortilla chip on your foot."

"I hate dieting. My stomach is so hungry, it's eating itself."

"Who left that nasty turd bomb in the toilet bowl?"

"Pretending I'm a pleasant person all day is exhausting."

"If it walks out of the refrigerator, it's well past its expiration date."

"If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knee caps."

"You know that saying, 'When the shit hits the fan'? Why would anyone want to throw poop at a fan?"

"Of course, the garden looks great…..I'm the plant whisperer, after all."

"Note to self: Just because the zumba teacher is twerking in class does not mean that I have to. My back will never be the same."

"Stop rubbing my leg with your wolverine toes."

"This house runs on love, laughter and chilled bottles of wine."




***Want More Meno Mama? This week I was featured on Midlife Boulevard where I'm talking about the "vulture years."  You can read it here: http://midlifeboulevard.com/embrace-vulture-years/ I also have a post up this week at Humor Outcasts---more funny facts about being a mid lifer years. Get your chuckles here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/born-this-way