Menopausal Mother

Welcome to another group posting of Fly On The Wall! Thirteen brave bloggers are once again inviting you into their homes for a sneak peek at what goes on behind their closed doors.

This month the fly got dizzy trying to keep up with the Doyles. We've been celebrating lots of family  birthdays in October and having a wee bit too much fun. I'm enjoying a mini stay-at-home vacation while my editor finishes tackling my Spandex book. We're in the home stretch and things are about to get REAL. Did I mention that I'm scared to death? No worries---it's all good. Next month I'll be sharing some exciting news, so stay tuned, my friends.

In the meantime, I have some snippets of conversations that were heard by that nosey fly when he was buzzing around my house. Here is some of what he overheard:



"Zip Lining gives you the world's worst wedgie."

"I think there should be an Octoberfest every month. Novemberfest, Decemberfest, Januaryfest…."


"Whenever I take my laptop outside, I can't Wi-Fi.  All I get is the spinning wheel of death on my screen."

"You need to do something about that loose toenail. It looks like a tortilla chip on your foot."

"I hate dieting. My stomach is so hungry, it's eating itself."

"Who left that nasty turd bomb in the toilet bowl?"

"Pretending I'm a pleasant person all day is exhausting."

"If it walks out of the refrigerator, it's well past its expiration date."

"If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knee caps."

"You know that saying, 'When the shit hits the fan'? Why would anyone want to throw poop at a fan?"

"Of course, the garden looks great…..I'm the plant whisperer, after all."

"Note to self: Just because the zumba teacher is twerking in class does not mean that I have to. My back will never be the same."

"Stop rubbing my leg with your wolverine toes."

"This house runs on love, laughter and chilled bottles of wine."




***Want More Meno Mama? This week I was featured on Midlife Boulevard where I'm talking about the "vulture years."  You can read it here: http://midlifeboulevard.com/embrace-vulture-years/ I also have a post up this week at Humor Outcasts---more funny facts about being a mid lifer years. Get your chuckles here: http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/born-this-way

  Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall hosted by  Baking In A Tornado. 14 bloggers have agreed to let you hear what secrets the fly discovered while buzzing around their homes. This month the fly spent a lot of time around our bathroom. That's never a good sign. I'm just warning you ahead of time---the stuff he's going to buzz about today isn't pretty. You might even need an air freshener while you read the post. Or a gas mask…..


"When our broken dryer is running, why does it sound like someone is
beating the crap out of a donkey?"

"I just farted in the car and I feel like I'm stuck in a gas chamber."

"Meet my daughter the toenail factory. She can grow new ones on command!"

"You know what's on my bucket list? To ride on an elephant. Naked."


"You'll have to excuse me from the dinner table. I need to uncork a poop."

"If you keep dancing like that, you're going to sprain an ankle."
"More like sprain an ass!"

"Who the hell thought it would be funny to cover my car door with Vaseline?"
"Are you SURE that's just Vaseline?"

"Everyone knows you're the twisted branch in the family tree."

"I just farted and a corn kernel popped out."
"That would be called a 'corn shart'."

"Stop trying to do burnouts in our ghetto-fied mommy mobile."

"I should get transvaginal mesh surgery."
"That might be a problem since you're a man."

"I'm surprised I didn't get bad bruises on my butt and thighs after slipping on the wet floor."
"That's because you have as much padding there as a linebacker."

"The dog just licked my face and his breath smelled like poop. Does that mean I now have pug fecal face?"

"I used to eat chalk and lick erasers on a dare when I was a kid."
"Well, that certainly explains a lot."

"I just got pulled over by a cop for speeding and he gave me a ticket! It probably didn't help that somebody drew a picture of a large penis on the back of my dusty car window."


     If you haven't fainted yet from the obnoxious fumes emanating from this post (the aftermath of our holiday indulgence), then be sure to visit the other participating bloggers to hear what the fly has to say about them!

REMINDER: The VoiceBoks contest is still going on. It doesn't end until Feb.2, and I'd like to stay in the top 10. Can you please help me by taking a moment to vote for my blog? You can vote from your home computer and a cell phone, but be sure and turn the phone sideways to widen the screen to vote. Just click on this link, scroll down to "Menopausal Mom" and click on the heart next to that name. DONE!  Thank you for your support! Vote here: http://voiceboks.com/top-50-hilariously-funny-nominated-parent-bloggers-2014/

Are you a MILF? Find out by reading my new post over at In The Powder Room: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/the-edge/2014-01-nine-signs-you-might-be-a-milf.html