Menopausal Mother

 
    Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings hosted by Karen of  Baking In A Tornado. This is your opportunity to get a sneak peek at what goes on behind the closed doors of the writers who are participating in today's postings.

   
     Things have been pretty busy here since January, but rather than tell you all about it, I'll SHOW you what the Doyle family has been up to. If you've been reading my Fly On The Wall posts on a regular basis, then you know there's never a dull moment around our home. I am blessed with a loving, crazy, close-knit family that enjoys being together and having fun. These photos tell it all:






Ringing in the New Year with close friends and family. The evening would not have been complete without a champagne toast, some booty dancing, and a surprise appearance by Olaf the snowman. Um, yeah.....don't ask.....



My daughters and I are sticking to our New Year's resolutions to get in shape and stay that way with the help of our awesome Zumba instructor. Nothing like a vigorous dance workshop to sweat off the holiday pounds. And God knows I had a LOT of cookies and egg nog to work off.



I finally completed something on my bucket list: a trip to Disney World to celebrate my granddaughter's fifth birthday. We made some incredible memories that I hope she'll always remember and hold dear.....because I certainly will.



Check number #2 off my bucket list: For years I have wanted to raise a pug puppy, but never had the opportunity, until recently. This beautiful, furry ball of love was adopted by us just a few weeks ago. Say hello to Yoda, the little boy who melts my heart (and destroys my shoes). He's the best cure for depression! Yoda always makes me laugh because he's such a little stinker, but I love him to bits. Our two, adult pugs are still confused about his presence and wondering when his real parents will return  to pick him up. Sorry guys, but Yoda is here to stay. #MyForeverPup



This photo is blurry for a reason. My daughters and I were laughing too hard at our annual Super Bowl party. Did I watch the game? Nope---just the commercials. But I had more fun goofing around with my girls. Super Bowl to me is synonymous with chicken wings, chip & dip, and unlimited desserts. That's okay though, because everyone knows that calories don't count during the Super Bowl weekend.



After all the excitement, it was time to wind down with a visit to our favorite local park----Morikami Japanese Gardens. It's our little slice of heaven on earth that we can't live without. We're lifetime members, because the beauty and serenity of Morikami's zen gardens center us after a hectic week.  It has nothing to do with the fact that their cafe also makes the best tempura I've ever eaten....and I'm totally addicted to the stuff. Maybe calories don't count in Morkiami, either.



Check #3 off my bucket list: Seeing Andrea Bocelli in concert! My daughter and her boyfriend surprised us with the tickets, and we were thrilled! It was a lovely evening with dinner on the water in Miami, and then being treated to hours of superb music. Best Valentine's Day gift ever!

     Up next: we're off to the local Renaissance Festival, so you know there's going to be some unusual photos in my next FOW post.  Didn't I tell you Doyles like to have FUN?



Cluttered Genius                            http://www.clutteredgenius.com      

    Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group posting. 13 bloggers are inviting you into their homes today for a glimpse into their private lives. Thank you once again Karen from Baking In A Tornado for hosting these hilarious group posts!

     The past month has been a mixture of joy and sorrow for me. As many of you know, my mother passed away unexpectedly on April 4th. My family has been dealing with the loss as best we can, and  in typical Doyle fashion, using humor to get through the rough patches.

     On a lighter note, one of the highlights from earlier in the month was my trip to Dayton Ohio for the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop conference. I had one of the best times of my life meeting many of my online blogger friends and taking educational courses to improve my writing skills. Since I don't fly, I convinced dear ol' Hubs to drive me again this year, just like he did for the last conference in 2014 (you can read all about it HERE). Being trapped in a car together for 19 hours spurred many an interesting conversation and quite a bit of binge eating. When I wasn't napping or stuffing my face with Pringle's chips and peanut M&Ms, Hubs and I enjoyed the scenery around us. I received some strange looks from people at truck stops when I climbed out of the car with my purple hair, but all in all, we had a great time.


     If you had been a fly on the wall in our car during the road trip, here are some tidbits of conversation you would have overheard:

"You know you're old when you have to drive with a knee brace on."

"I think the GPS is drunk. It keeps getting us lost. It needs its own GPS."

"How am I supposed to eat this gooey sandwich while driving at the same time? It's like trying to hold a sloppy joe behind the steering wheel. Half of the goop ends up in my lap."
"Well, at least you'll have some leftovers on your shorts for later in case you get hungry again."


"Why is it that when we leave the state of Florida, all the radio stations only play oldies music?"
"Because we're fossils who still remember all the lyrics. Most of these singers are already dead....someone must be trying to tell us something."

"Can't you drive any faster up this mountain road?"
"I'm driving a Prius, what do you expect? It's like driving a car powered by hamsters. When someone asks me if it's a four cylinder, I tell them, 'No, it's a four hamster.' And right now, I think one of them just died going up this mountain side."

"I'm an emotional drinker, and you are seriously stressing me out during this road trip. Oh look! A pub!"
"Good to know I won't need to call 911 now."

"We need to lay off on the bean burritos. This car can only handle so much gas. "
"At least it's not just one of us doing it. My farts are responding to your farts."
"Yeah---we're sharing fart emojis."

" We need to get an RV and take more road trips. We could retire early and live off our savings."
"That sounds great, but what will we do for money the following week?"

"Sometimes there just aren't enough curse words invented to meet my demands after a day like today."

"What do you mean I'd be lousy at camping? I'm an outdoorsy type of guy."
"Only if your tent comes with a large cooler full of beer."

"My legs and knees are so sore and stiff from sitting in the car for five hours, I can barely stand. It's a good thing no one is trying to rob us at gun point right now, because I wouldn't be able to run. I'd just hand over my wallet and tell them they're welcome."


THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GO OUT OF TOWN AND YOUR FOUR-YEAR-OLD GRANDDAUGHTER GETS AHOLD OF YOUR MAKEUP KIT

 
    Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today 13 bloggers are bravely opening their doors to you so that you can be a fly on the wall in their homes.

     I'm enjoying a relaxing summer with my family despite the heat, humidity and mosquitoes. We've been spending a lot of time at the beach in the evenings where I go all "Martha Stewart" and set up a special place for us to picnic. Yes, I actually have a chandelier that hangs from my little tent along with strings of Chinese lanterns and solar lights. We play corn hole and frisbee by sunset and it is at these times that I feel truly blessed to claim this wacky tribe as my family.


     If you were a fly on the wall at our house (or at one of our beach picnics) this month, this is what you would have overheard:

"I ate too much pasta salad at the picnic tonight. I feel like I'm birthing a noodle baby."

"This website that wants to feature one of my blog posts just asked for a photo of me in my natural habitat. That means I need to send them a picture of me with a drink in my hand."

"My armpits stink so bad after being at the beach all day. They smell like sour cream and onion chips."

"I think I missed my calling in life. I could have been a competitive hotdog eater."
"Which is why you've earned the nickname, 'Beefy McSexy.'"

"I've got jello shits from the jello shots we took at the 4th of July party. Everything is coming out like a rainbow."

"Stop rolling over in bed the same time that I roll over."
"I can't help it if we sleep like synchronized swimmers."


"Some mistakes are just too fun to only make once!"

"He wants everyone to party with him every night, but he's the lone wolf when it comes to drinking shots of whiskey."

" I just found an interesting job on the internet. It calls for experience in transitioning cows, replacement heifer programming and experience in milking parlor management. I could be a dairy farmer herdsman!"
"The only thing you know how to herd are the pugs when you hustle them outside to pee."

"I don't like this new toilet paper. It's too rough, don't you think?"
"You're talking to a girl who had to wipe her backside with leaves in the Black Forest at one time, so don't ask me about texture."

"You're so A.D.D. you need to Google search for stuff in our house."

"The true definition of hell is the waiting room at the Sears automotive repair center where there's only a crappy TV and a stack of outdated car magazines."


That's pretty much a recap of my summer so far. As always, I'm living the Looney Tune life. Now go check out all the other brave ladies who are participating in today's Fly posts!


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm beyond thrilled to be featured this week on Honest Mom. I'm part of the "Speak Out" essay section with my post on "The Truth About Depression." You can read it HERE: 

  Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall hosted by  Baking In A Tornado. 14 bloggers have agreed to let you hear what secrets the fly discovered while buzzing around their homes. This month the fly spent a lot of time around our bathroom. That's never a good sign. I'm just warning you ahead of time---the stuff he's going to buzz about today isn't pretty. You might even need an air freshener while you read the post. Or a gas mask…..


"When our broken dryer is running, why does it sound like someone is
beating the crap out of a donkey?"

"I just farted in the car and I feel like I'm stuck in a gas chamber."

"Meet my daughter the toenail factory. She can grow new ones on command!"

"You know what's on my bucket list? To ride on an elephant. Naked."


"You'll have to excuse me from the dinner table. I need to uncork a poop."

"If you keep dancing like that, you're going to sprain an ankle."
"More like sprain an ass!"

"Who the hell thought it would be funny to cover my car door with Vaseline?"
"Are you SURE that's just Vaseline?"

"Everyone knows you're the twisted branch in the family tree."

"I just farted and a corn kernel popped out."
"That would be called a 'corn shart'."

"Stop trying to do burnouts in our ghetto-fied mommy mobile."

"I should get transvaginal mesh surgery."
"That might be a problem since you're a man."

"I'm surprised I didn't get bad bruises on my butt and thighs after slipping on the wet floor."
"That's because you have as much padding there as a linebacker."

"The dog just licked my face and his breath smelled like poop. Does that mean I now have pug fecal face?"

"I used to eat chalk and lick erasers on a dare when I was a kid."
"Well, that certainly explains a lot."

"I just got pulled over by a cop for speeding and he gave me a ticket! It probably didn't help that somebody drew a picture of a large penis on the back of my dusty car window."


     If you haven't fainted yet from the obnoxious fumes emanating from this post (the aftermath of our holiday indulgence), then be sure to visit the other participating bloggers to hear what the fly has to say about them!

REMINDER: The VoiceBoks contest is still going on. It doesn't end until Feb.2, and I'd like to stay in the top 10. Can you please help me by taking a moment to vote for my blog? You can vote from your home computer and a cell phone, but be sure and turn the phone sideways to widen the screen to vote. Just click on this link, scroll down to "Menopausal Mom" and click on the heart next to that name. DONE!  Thank you for your support! Vote here: http://voiceboks.com/top-50-hilariously-funny-nominated-parent-bloggers-2014/

Are you a MILF? Find out by reading my new post over at In The Powder Room: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/the-edge/2014-01-nine-signs-you-might-be-a-milf.html

 
      Welcome to my special Fly On The Wall holiday edition, hosted by Karen of http://www.bakinginatornado.com. We've made the fly quite dizzy this month with our frenzied holiday  preparations. He might have landed in my spiked eggnog the other day, so don't believe everything he tells you that he overheard in my home. It's probably the rum talking.

"Oh good, it's Christmas! Time to play my favorite holiday board game, 'Gorge, Party And Purge.'"

"Elves are the illegitimate children of Mrs. Claus, who was the original ho. That's why Santa yells, "Ho Ho Ho!'"

"Reindeer poop is magic fertilizer for the garden---kind of like Miracle Grow."
"Does this mean the roses will sprout antlers?"


"You have too many tubs full of holiday stuff here! You belong on Hoarders….the Christmas edition."

"Santa must have been agoraphobic. He only left his house once a year to drop off gifts and pilfer cookies."

"What is the nog in eggnog? The dregs of the egg?"

"Stop feeding the dog so much Christmas ham. Pretty soon she's going to need a pug girdle."

"I think I have a holiday yeast infection."
"Then you're out of luck because I don't think they make Monistat for men."

"He hated having to wear that tux to the party. He was practically foaming at the mouth for a beer…..it made him look like a rabid penguin."


"Are those moose knuckles in your pants or are you just happy to meet me under the mistletoe?"

"I love your holiday rum cake but it always gives me heartburn. I'll need a barrel o' Tums after eating a slice. An enema might also be in order."

"What does he want for Christmas?"
"An alligator, but it needs to be toothless."
"Why, so it can gum him to death?"

"Are you planning on spending New Year's Eve passed out on the front lawn again?"
"I wouldn't mind it as long as there aren't anymore fire ants on the grass. Last year I woke up looking like I had measles."

"What a nice surprise! A Coconut Bliss pillow from the mattress store for Christmas. It smells like vanilla cake. If I wake up a few pounds heavier tomorrow and the pillow is missing, you'll know why."


"Feeling blue during Christmas? All you need is pug therapy!"

"I  just had a two layer burp---Special K cereal on top of taco salad. I think I'll follow it up with some Christmas fudge."

"I don't need Viagra. I have you."
"Now THAT'S the holiday gift that keeps on giving!"

"Elves are the mischievous cousins of yard gnomes. Forget 'Elf On The Shelf.' We have Elf In The Butt."

"Time to upgrade your radio for Christmas, Mom. You know, they do make ones that aren't as big and heavy as a cinder block."

"I just got my period after two years, just in time for Christmas. WTH, I'm menopausal! Well played, Santa."

"Next year I want to be in the Christmas boat parade."
"Forget it---the pirate rum ships disappeared a long time ago."

"I'm not trying to be a grinch but I'm tired of putting up Christmas yard decorations. The lights always burn out and inevitably the reindeers will end up beheaded. The others have backward antlers. They're dyslexic reindeers."


     Merry Christmas from our crazy home to yours! Now put down that eggnog and go visit the other merry bloggers participating in today's Fly On The Wall!


***Don't forget to check out my weekly post over at In The Powder Room. I've put a new spin on some old Christmas tunes. Check out, "I'm Dreaming Of A Cheap Christmas" here: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/me-time/2013-12-dreaming-cheap-christmas.html