Menopausal Mother

Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, there are three of us opening our homes so that you can see what goes on behind closed doors. 

This month the fly accompanied me to the local renaissance festival....again. The fair is in town for 7 weeks, so I will be visiting a few more times ( just can't get enough of those turkey legs!) but I thought I'd share some photos of my first weekend there. For the past few years, I've been dressing up as a fairy rather than in the heavy dresses and capes I once wore to the festival---it gets pretty warm here, and multiple layered dresses, headpieces, and gobs of sparkly fake jewels do not go over well in 85-degree temperatures. Thank God we live in the time of A/C and battery-operated hand-held fans! 

So sit back, munch on a turkey leg, and enjoy some mead while you scroll back through time......

     Ahhh yes, it's Valentine's Day---the most dreaded day of the year for the majority of the male population. No one needs a GPS to find their man after work on this particular holiday. They're lined up at the drugstore card counter, sweaty palms leafing through pink and red cards on the stands. Turn down the next aisle and you'll find them grabbing heart-shaped boxes filled with chocolates off the shelf. If they're lucky, they might even find a few rose bouquets left in the cooler near the checkout counter. Nothing says "You're The Love Of My Life," than a last-minute discount gift from a drugstore.

     But there are gifts that are far worse.....and if your significant other gives you any of the following items, you have my condolences on Valentine's day......


1. A BOGO sale on pre-approved cemetery plots

2. Edible beef jerky underwear.

3. Milk chocolates made from molds of your lover's unmentionables.

4. His ex-girlfriend's favorite cologne, White Shoulders.

5. Novelty toilet paper with your boyfriend's image printed on each sheet (nothing says LOVE like wiping your backside with your man's face).
6. Sparkling rose wine bottled in the basement of his cousin's home in Asbury Park, NJ.

7. Paper roses made from recycled buffalo dung.

8. Jenny Craig lifetime membership.


9. A pregnant hamster.

10. Twelve wilted roses bought from a shady- looking guy who approached your car window when you were stopped at a red light.

11. Nose hair trimmer, bikini wax kit, and his & her tongue scraper set.
12. A sensor-activated Build-A-Bear with a continual song loop of "Every Breath You Take."

     Here's to hoping you have a very NORMAL Valentine's Day with a cheesy, sentimental card and a box of cream-filled chocolates to celebrate love. Cheers!


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? Check out my weekly contributions to CONSIDERABLE, the website where I'm a regular content creator now. (LOVE MY JOB!!) You can find my work  here: https://www.considerable.com/contributor/marcia-kester-doyle/

     I've been in a menopausal state of mind for eight years now, and my brain could really use a break. The endless mind chatter keeps me awake most nights and disrupts my thoughts like an attention-seeking toddler when I'm trying to get things accomplished during the day.

     In a menopausal way of thinking, the little things become the big things, and not in a good way. My husband and kids think I've lost my mind because of the ridiculous arguments we've gotten into. I have always had an A-type personality, but these Jekyll and Hyde mood swings need to stop for the sake of my own (and my family's) sanity. Thankfully, I have a husband and some pretty awesome kids who totally get it, so they give me a wide berth when they see the steam coming out of my ears

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     If you were to crawl inside my head on any given day, these are the things my menopausal brain would say to you:

"I'm going to be really good today on my diet. I'll eat an egg white omelet, a small salad for lunch, then salmon for.....OH LOOK! A DONUT!"

"Geez, it's so effing hot in this house. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, COULD SOMEONE PLEASE TURN DOWN THE THERMOSTAT??"

"Oh man, my bed looks so comfy....and I'm so tired. What would it hurt to take a little nap?"
**Wakes three hours later wondering what century she is in**

"I love you, but if you leave another strand of your used floss on the bookshelf, I swear I will strangle you with it in your sleep."

"It's 4:00a.m. Why am I still awake, wondering how people potty train rabbits?"

"Today was awful. I hate everyone and everything. Wait, you have chocolate? OMG I'm so happy! What a great day!"

"Where did I leave my damn car keys? Oh, here they are.....okay, which one of you numbskulls put my keys in the shower?  Huh? It was me? No way, I didn't do that. I couldn't have.....could I?"

"Sweetheart, you're my little shnookums and I love you so much....wait. Stop! ARE YOU KIDDING? DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW?"

"A BOGO sale on fiber pills? Hell yeah, I'm gonna stock up. One can never own too many fiber pills."

" I didn't forget to pick up the dog food. It's your fault because you forgot to remind me."

"It's raining and now our plans are ruined and my life sucks so I'm going back to bed and don't even think about talking to me right now."

"Let's order pizza tonight. No, wait---I think I want Chinese food instead....but tacos also sound really good. Actually, I could go for a juicy steak. Or maybe a burger. Or chicken wings---yes, that's what I want! Can I get a slice of pizza on the side with that?"

"Just pour the wine and don't ask any questions."

"Who used the last roll of toilet paper without replacing it? I will hunt you down and kill you."

"It's freezing cold in this restaurant. Honey, can I borrow your jacket?"
<<five minutes later>> "Waiter, can you please turn up the fans? It's ridiculously hot in here."

"Why am I always so bloated? My belly is huge! I look like I'm pregnant.....with a baby elephant."

"Yes, I know I've put on some weight recently. No, it has nothing to do with my eating habits. It's not my dumpling cravings either, I swear. It's just menopause."

    ISN'T IT ALWAYS JUST THE MENOPAUSE????

     My husband accuses me of talking too much, especially when I get together with my gal pals. He might be right, but I swear, there are times when I know to keep quiet. And there are plenty of sentences you will NEVER hear me say. Ever. This would include:

"Can I hold your pet tarantula? He looks so cute and fuzzy."

"I'd like to purchase an airline ticket...."

"Please invite me to your baby shower so that I can watch you open 30 gifts over the course of three hours."

"Of course I'd love to go to a Miami Dolphins football game in 90 degree heat and drink a warm beer with you."


"Keep driving---I don't mind holding my leaky bladder another 50 miles until the next restroom stop."

"I can easily give up wine for Lent."

"We don't have to order dessert after dinner."

"I'd love to go swimsuit shopping!"

"Yes, I ate the entire box of chocolates by myself."

"Nap? I don't need to nap. That's for old people."

"I can give up social media anytime."

"This cabbage soup diet sounds like a lot of fun."

"Sure, invite me to your Essential Oils party."

"A Cross Training program at 5:30 a.m.? Count me in!"

"I don't need under eye concealer."

"Yes, let's stop dying my hair. I'd be thrilled to go natural gray."

"I don't need any more dogs."

"I'd be happy to babysit your rambunctious toddler in the hotel room while you go bar hopping for five hours."

"We should turn the thermostat up to 80 degrees to lower our monthly electric bill. A little sweat won't hurt me."

"I don't need to keep blogging because hey, who has time for humor?"

   
     Humor is EVERYTHING. As Erma Bombeck once said, "When humor goes, there goes civilization." I couldn't agree more. Keep laughing, my friends.

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I was on Her Story this week sharing an article about losing my sister. You can read it here: http://herstryblg.com/true/2018/4/10/soaring-with-eagles I was also featured on Blunt Moms with my aviation traumatization story which you can read here: http://www.bluntmoms.com/why-you-wont-catch-me-on-a-plane/

     I've never been a fan of televised sports, and that includes the Super Bowl. I realize this puts me in a category of about 1% of the U.S. population, but as I watch everyone else get caught up in the hype of the game, all I can think about is what's on the menu that night. I don't fawn over photos of Tom Brady. I don't even care that he's still wearing that damn glove. Instead, I drool over Pinterest photos of game day snacks. All the dips and hot wings and cookie bars and mini sub sandwiches..... this is almost as exciting to me as a Thanksgiving dinner.

     Back to the point. I'm not a fan of watching the Super Bowl---I usually find something else to occupy my time during the game. However, I'm not immune to the funny commercials, and for this reason, I will endure sitting on my couch for several hours while the lunatics in my family clap and scream loud enough to make our dogs howl in protest.

     There are a ton of things I'd rather do than watch the Super Bowl on game night, and some of those things include:



1. Host a neighborhood Deflategate/Tuck Rule/Spygate party.

2. Sell my old crock pot on Letgo before "This Is Us" airs after the Super Bowl.

3. Trim my toenails and contemplate making a set of avant-garde earrings out of the clippings.

4. Watch videos of potty trained felines flushing toilets.

5. Read War and Peace.

6. Pluck stray chin hairs.

7. Drink copious amounts of boxed wine and pretend to be interested while my guests scream at Bill Belichick.

8. Wax my eyebrows.

9. Watch for people double-dipping their chicken wings in the bleu cheese dressing.

10. File my taxes.

11. Rearrange my husband's sock drawer.

12. Trim rogue nose hairs.

13. Read the Ikea instruction manual for my new entertainment center.

14. Binge-watch Rick and Morty during the third quarter while eating all the cocktail meatballs originally made for the game.

15. Finish the entire box of wine in preparation for watching Jack Pearson's demise on "This Is Us" after the Super Bowl.


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week I'm honored to have a NEW and very personal essay, "The Healing Stone," featured on Mamalode about loss, grief, and recovery. You can read it here: http://mamalode.com/story/loss/the-healing-stone/. Meno Mama was also featured on the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop with another humorous spin in the Super Bowl game, which you can read here: http://humorwriters.org/2018/01/26/10-reasons-lovehate-relationship-football/

 
     I've read tons of posts in the blogosphere about gratitude. It's obvious that most of us are thankful for the same things----our families, friends, pets, health, jobs, homes, etc. But what about the little things that we often take for granted? Our lives are made easier by technology----so much so, that we often forget the small things that contribute to our daily comfort.

     Some of the "little" things I'm grateful for (and that I'm convinced I couldn't live without) include:

1. Double rolled toilet paper sold in bulk packaging.

2. Duct tape. It fixes EVERYTHING.


3. Nibble calories that don't count, especially at Costco when they hand out free food samples.

4. Plug-in air fresheners for the car to deter man sweat and the ghosts of old farts.

5. Dri-FIT wicking underwear that prevents chafing at the gym. Nobody wants to explain why there's a rash on their crotch.

6. Cheese. It's the international language of love.


7. Stretch pants. 'Nuff said.

8. Undereye concealer, especially after a long night of playing "Name That Tune" with Mr. Insomnia.

9. Bug repellent. My only defense against blood-sucking mosquitoes and the Zika Virus. No worries---I'm too old to get pregnant with anything other than a food baby.

10. Hair dye. It conceals all the grays my children have given me. I've already gone through more rainbow colors than a packet of Skittles.

11. Wine....my bottle of liquid relaxation after a stressful day.

12. Floss. The tight spaces between my teeth are like mini storage compartments. I could live off the trapped food particles in my mouth for a month if I didn't floss regularly.


13. Deodorant. Especially when I'm standing in a long line at Disney World and it's 90 degrees outside.

14. Air conditioning. I live in south Florida, which means the A/C pretty much runs all year long, especially since I'm menopausal.

15. Naps. Now that I'm older, my priorities have changed. Naps are at the top of my list, followed by food, Netflix and sex....specifically in that order.

16. Chocolate, because it makes the world go 'round....and it's cheaper than Prozac.


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm thrilled to be interviewed on Too Full To Write this week! Check out my funny interview here: https://toofulltowrite.com/2016/09/29/author-interview-marcia-kester-doyle-who-stole-my-spandex-life-in-the-hot-flash-lane/

     Welcome to a special edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Nine bloggers are inviting you into their homes today to be a fly on the wall. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I first began writing the FOW's two years ago because I wanted a way to remember all of the crazy stuff that came out of the mouths of my family members. I participate in FOW posts 12 times a year, and enjoy sharing the "best of the best" from each year with you. Today I'm recalling some of my favorite remarks that were shared on the blog in 2014.



"Whenever I take my laptop outside, I can't Wi-Fi.  All I get is the spinning wheel of death on my screen."

"You need to do something about that loose toenail. It looks like a tortilla chip on your foot."

"Why on earth did you buy a red star for the top of the tree? We now have a brothel Christmas tree."

"I hate dieting. My stomach is so hungry, it's eating itself."

"You told me this spray tan in a can stuff works. So how come I look like a patchwork quilt?"
"Didn't you read the directions? You're supposed to spray it from 6 feet away."
"How is that humanly possible? My arms aren't 6 feet long!"
"This house runs on love, laughter and chilled bottles of wine."

" I can't enjoy the Christmas feast this year without feeling guilty. You've demonized all the calories."

"Everyone knows you're the twisted branch in the family tree."

"Do you think the IRS will let us use your food baby as a tax deduction?"

"We need to ask my mom for some parenting advice on our son. He's making me crazy."
"Isn't she the one who tied your brother to a clothesline in the backyard while she did the laundry?"
"Like I said, she has the best advice when it comes to raising boys."

"You're really good at crafting words into stupid."

"Stop rubbing my leg with your wolverine toes."

"Note to self: Just because the zumba teacher is twerking in class does not mean that I have to. My back will never be the same."
"I'm so full, I have belly girth. Do they sell Spanx for men?"

"Oh look! The dog is dragging her butt across the carpet. If she picks up enough dust particles, I won't have to vacuum. She's a pug butt Swifter."

"Hangover is such a harsh word. Let's just say I have the wine flu."

"His snoring is driving me crazy. He sounds like a truffle-sniffing pig when he sleeps."

"You would have made a good pirate."
"Why? Because of my thirst for rum?"
"No---because of the grunting noises you make when you eat meat….and the fact that you haven't showered in three days."

"I think it's time to go shopping. My underwear drawer looks like it has been ravaged by moths."

"My liver better hurry up and regenerate because I've been drinking a lot lately."
"Sprinkle Miracle Grow on it. Better yet, start a liver harvesting farm: cornfed and hormone free."
"If I didn't know any better, I'd swear your mother dropped you on your head when you were born."

"He has an intestine longer than I-95….which explains why his poop is the size of a nuclear sub."

"It's obvious you're a holiday hoarder. You need a decoration intervention."
"You have the memory cells of a gnat."

"Every dinner at the Doyle house is like a Man vs Food episode."

"Mom, can I borrow twenty bucks?"
"I don't have it. I just donated all my money to the alpaca rescue fund."

"I had no idea our granddaughter could scream so loud. She sounds like she needs a priest to come in and perform an exorcism."

"If you eat too much couscous, the grains become time bombs. Once they hit the bottom of your gut, they detonate."

"Why is there a two hour special on TV about A.D.D.? People with the disorder can't sit that long to watch it. They'll lose focus after the first five minutes."

"One of the things on my bucket list is to do the running with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain."
"At your age, it will be more like running with the mules."






 

     As you may have noticed, I've taken a little time off from blogging recently to adjust to the passing of my mother, and to reorganize certain areas in my life that need my full attention. I'm hoping to bring back the funny next week, because the main thing I've learned throughout this grieving process is to hang onto my sense of humor. It gets me through the rough patches when I'm at my lowest point. I know that's easier said than done, but I'm working on it. In the meantime, I'd like to share a special post I wrote for another site about last goodbyes and the grieving process. This post was written two months ago from my mother's hospital room when she was still fighting to survive. At the time, I had no idea what the outcome would be, and was inspired by her strength and courage. If you have a moment, please visit Purple Clover where the post was featured earlier this week. You can read "Last Goodbyes" HERE.

     I'd still like to bring some laughter to start your weekend off right, and am pleased to introduce another humor writer who never fails to make me smile. Please welcome Roxanne Jones of Boomer Haiku to Meno Mama's site today! She was kind enough to rescue me when I was struggling to write a new post. My muse is still in grief mode, but with the help of my family and their humorous antics, I'm sure I can bring the funny back soon. Meanwhile, enjoy this hilarious post--- "8 lies I Tell Myself"---from Roxanne, and be sure to give her lots of comment love!









 

     Welcome to another edition of Fly on the Wall group posts, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today 16 brave bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes. 

      At my house, whenever my whole family gets together, things get weird. Someone will bring out the accordion and attempt to play polka music. Worse, SOME people actually try to dance to the music. Soon after, a pudding fight ensues. 


     Yes, I live with lunatics, and they all belong in a padded cell….together.  


"You've infected me with your lunacy."

"Don't throw out those leftover pancakes! I might eat them later."
"Instead of 'Save the Whales' your new slogan should be "Save The Pancakes."

"Laughter is NOT the best medicine. Chocolate is."

"I like this bottle of Winking Owl wine, even though it's really cheap."
"It tastes like crap. They should have named it Winking Sphincter wine."

"With all the tossing and turning you do in bed at night, I think that qualifies as a day's worth of rigorous exercise."

"Did my granddaughter just say that having to carry all of her stuff up the stairs was 'ridiculous'?"
"No---she said it was 'DICKulous.' She hasn't mastered her R's yet."

"Dear triple shot of espresso, please lie to me about how much we're going to get done today."

"Stop licking my earlobe---I already know you're feeling amorous. Who needs Q-tips when I have your tongue?"
"Are you talking to me or the dog?"



"Why is your ring tone a loud siren? Are you trying to give yourself a heart attack?"  
"Wow---that Water Pik works better than floss! After eating a steak, I just sprayed half a cow out of my molars." 

"I have so many tabs open on my laptop --- it sounds like a jet getting ready to take off."

"Note to self: never give your husband cabbage for dinner an hour before he has to drive clients around all night for Uber."


     Now you understand what I mean when I say I've been locked in a padded cell with these whack jobs. Can you hand me the keys to get out of here, please???