Baking In A Tornado's Fly On The Wall group blog posts. I looked back on some of my favorite, older posts from January of 2013 when I first began writing the FOW's (you can read the very first one here) and laughed out loud at some of the crazy stuff that came out of the mouths of my family members. These older posts are like little time capsules of so many memories of the fun times we've had together. Today I'm recalling some of my favorite remarks that were shared on the blog in 2013 and part of 2014.
"Who wrote 'Lazy Ass' in pen across all of my Breathe Right Nose Strips?"
"Hey, your 1099 tax form just came in."
"Is it addressed to 'Loser'?"
"What are those brown specks in the dog's water bowl?"
"It's special pug fecal water---made from the finest backyards in America.
"I can't walk that fast! My thighs are going to chafe and create a fire."
"Why is the van lurching at stop lights?"
"Because that's what's called the death march of the Honda Odyssey.
" Find me a gun. It's time to put down the minivan."
"I've heard of butt floss before but this dog puts a whole new spin on it when he eats dental floss and poops out a connected trail of sausage links."
"Stop speaking with a Jamaican accent. You weren't born in the Caribbean. You were dropped in the middle of a cornfield in Missouri when the mother ship rejected you."
"Forget Irritable Bowel Syndrome. You have a case of Irritable Spouse Syndrome."
"You don't need weight training---I'll bet your right arm is already huge from opening the refrigerator door so many times."
" I want a free, catheter sample pack for Father's day!"
"Stop hanging out with kids who try to duct tape your legs together!"
"You let the dog lick your face? He just ate his own poop!"
"What the heck is that noise my chinchilla is making in his cage?"
"It sounds like he's using a nail file on the bars to break out."
"You're the only kid I know who would go on a cruise ship and play the Titanic theme on his recorder as the boat was pulling away from the dock."
"Turn up the fan---I have clammy butt syndrome."
"I have a stomachache---like hot, burning gas. My butt feels like it's on fire. What does that mean?"
"Lay off the Mexican food."
"No, I don't want a hard boiled egg and a grilled chicken breast in my salad. That would be like eating the mom and her baby on a bed of lettuce."
"I'm not getting out of this bed until my minions bring me some coffee."
"Honey, we don't own any minions."
"Yes we do----they're called children, and the chief minion's name
"Isn't it great becoming a year older? You recognize all the music playing in elevators and mysterious skin tags show up in your arm pits."
"How would you like to spend your birthday?"
"Tipsy shopping and drunk eating, of course."
"It's pretty sad that I can sum up the past year of my life in five words: wine, Nutella, squirrels, blogging and menopause."
"I'm so sweaty in this dress, I have to wing out my thighs. "
"Did you give the pug your birthday dinner leftovers? He just farted and I swear it smells like Cantonese shrimp."
"I'm pretty sure these are rogue fat cells attacking my butt. It has nothing to do with the grilled cheese sandwiches I ate."
"Mom, where's the antibacterial cream?"
"You mean the Neosporin?"
"No, the generic one you bought since we can't afford the real stuff. POOR-sporin."
"No, old underwear does NOT make good Chinese lanterns."
"I'll bet you were one of the cool kids who sat at the back of the bus during school field trips."
"I've been to the back of the bus. All you do is smell urine. It's not a glamorous thing."
"For my retirement party, I don't want a gold watch--- I want a penis pump!"
"Stop dropping gas bombs in the car. You smell like processed ass."
"You're the one who bought me the fried chicken tenders, Dad. They upset my stomach."
"Chicken tenders? More like chicken stinkers out the butt."
"Hon, you've eaten so much on this trip, I think we need to stop at Walmart and get you some men's maternity pants."
"Stop making booger patches on your side of the car!"
"You know I had a good time in those heels last night if my toe nails fall off."
"That kid is killing our grocery budget. You might as well strap a feed bag on him and call it a day."
"I think the laundry breeds while we sleep. There's baby socks in there, and we don't have a baby."
"I can't stay in this ice bar much longer. My testicles are receding. If they go
up any further, I'll be singing soprano in The Vienna Boy's Choir."
"I ate too much Honey Bunches Of Oats this morning and now my bowels hurt. That cereal should be renamed, 'Honey Bunches Of Bullshit'."
"For Christmas, I'm going to ask Santa for an artificial urinary sphincter."
"This coffee doesn't work for me anymore. I think someone is punking me by filling the pot with decaf."
"When the office pooper takes a break, everyone knows it's goin' down in toilet town."
"I should get transvaginal mesh surgery."
"That might be a problem since you're a man."
"I just got pulled over by a cop for speeding and he gave me a ticket! It probably didn't help that somebody drew a picture of a large penis on the back of my dusty car window."
"I used to eat chalk and lick erasers on a dare when I was a kid."
"Well, that certainly explains a lot."
Like I always say, there is never a dull moment in my house. I live with a bunch of lovable lunatics who keep me laughing on a daily basis. And I am blessed to be a part of their craziness.
Please be sure to check out the posts from all 12 bloggers participating in today's Fly On The Wall group postings!