Several years ago John Gray published his #1 New York Times bestselling book, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", and helped change our way of thinking about the roles we play in our relationships. While I agree with Mr. Gray's perception of the differences between men and women, I'm taking it a step further and highlighting the similarities of the opposite sex in comparison to the behavior of dogs and cats.
Before anyone becomes offended with this form of gender profiling, it's only fair that I mention I've owned many cats and dogs in the past, AND that my husband helped contribute to this post, because he strongly relates to a dog's mentality.
It's no secret that men are wired differently than women. Men are less complicated----they say what they mean, and they usually act on those words. Women are far more complex. Sometimes our words have underlying meanings, and our actions are often the very opposite of what we want. We worry more about what others think of us, while men spare little time wondering how others perceive them. Men also have the innate ability to put aside negative emotions and quickly move on, while females will fixate for days--even years---on emotional injustices, only to second guess themselves in the end.
DOGS AND MEN:
*Dogs sniff each other's butts to get an idea of who they're dealing with. In similar fashion, men size one another up in social situations. Thankfully, there's very little butt sniffing going on.
*Dogs will poop just about anytime, anywhere, and feel no need to hide it. Men are pretty much the same. Unlike most women I know, men can comfortably poop at work, or when they're out to dinner, or at a party, sporting events and even at a stranger's house. That's fine, as long as they don't get TOO comfortable with their surroundings and poop on the carpet. Many male dogs are also known for eating their own excrement, but that's where the similarities stop. Thank God.
*Dogs are easily entertained. They chase their tail for hours and never tire of running after the same ball, over and over again. They love to get dirty, play rough and run around to the point of exhaustion. Men are easily entertained by television, where they can sit for hours on end until the couch is permanently marked with the imprint of their butt cheeks. If a mini fridge and a toilet were built into the sofa, they'd probably never leave. Men also like to play rough, and don't mind if they get dirty doing it. Think rugby, football and mud wrestling (especially if women are involved and they're wearing tight t-shirts).
*Dogs will hump anything; other dogs, human legs, pillows.....sound familiar? All it takes is for a female to bat her eyelashes at a man, and humping is sure to commence.
*Dogs like a pat on the head and to be told that they're "good" when they do something right. Men are very much the same. They need to be shown appreciation for everything they do. But instead of giving them a milk bone treat, just give them a six pack of beer.
*Dogs will do as they're told most of the time, and all they want in return is a little affection. Men will jump through hoops to please their women, including buying embarrassing items for them at the drugstore at 2:00 a.m., if they believe they'll be rewarded with some extra loving in the boudoir.
*Dogs don't hold grudges. If they're mad at you for leaving them home alone, they'll just chew your best pair of shoes and then suck up to you when you return. When men do something stupid they're also quick to apologize and do whatever it takes to win your forgiveness. They're also responsible for keeping florists and chocolatiers in business.
WOMEN AND CATS:
*Cats spray to mark their territory. In other words, "I had this spot first, bitches." I know quite a few women who have this same mentality when it comes to their men. Fortunately for the guys, these women don't feel the need to mark their territory with pee.
*Cat's are private about their bathroom ritual and like to keep their pooping area clean. They don't enjoy using the litter box in front of people, and once they've done their business, they conceal the evidence in the sand. Women are also private poopers, and will mask the deed with a variety of aerosol sprays to freshen the air. If no sprays are available, they'll deny ever using the bathroom and blame the smell on an unsuspecting coworker.
*Cats are happiest when they have catnip. Wine is like catnip to women. Enough said.
*Cats go into heat and rub against other cats hoping to spark some action. "Touch me here and I'll purr. Touch me in the wrong spot and I'll bite the shit out of you." When a man is navigating his way around a woman, he must also use the same caution. If he squeezes a woman's love handles because he thinks they're "cute", he'd better be prepared for her to draw blood with her claws.
*Cats only want affection on their own terms. They give you "permission" to love them when they're in the mood, but are often standoffish with a "leave me alone, you peasant" attitude. Women are the same, unless alcohol is involved.... and then their purring motor goes up a few notches.
*Cats seldom do what they're told and rarely seek human approval for their actions. Occasionally they'll bring home a dead rat as an appreciation gift. Luckily, women don't stalk rodents for gifts, but if she offers to treat her man to a tattoo of her name etched across his bicep, he'd better agree, or else the mark of her stiletto heel will be tattooed across his forehead.
*Cats carry grudges. Feed them the wrong food and they'll ignore you for days. Bring home a new puppy and they'll seek revenge on your drapes. There's a reason cats keep their claws sharpened. When a man gets into an argument with a woman, she'll bring up things that happened twenty years ago. Females have the uncanny ability to remember EVERYTHING from the past, and those claws are always kept sharpened in case it's time to use their man as a human scratching post.
The only way to make a relationship happy and healthy is to accept and respect the differences between men and women. Compromise is essential if a couple plans to stay in the relationship for the long haul. Even cats and dogs are willing to share the misery of fleas, and if necessary, the dog helps the cat hide any evidence of poop by emptying the litter box of its contents. If that isn't true love, I don't know what is......
Today's guest writer is a humorist I met two years ago at my first Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop in 2014. We instantly clicked, and I was thrilled to connect with her again this past April at the 2016 EBWW convention. Angela McKeown, who blogs at Momopolize, is a funny, sweet woman with a great sense of humor. She had me laughing the entire weekend we spent in Dayton, Ohio, and is now part of my tribe of Erma gals that I adore. Please welcome Angela to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love and shares!
