Meno Mama is spending the holiday with her crazy family at the nuthouse, so in the meantime I wanted to leave you with a funny guest post I wrote a few months ago for my gal pal Stephanie over at http://whencrazymeetsexhaustion.com. This is a memory from a long time ago…one I'm not too proud of but fortunately am able to laugh at myself for doing the things that I did back then. What can I say? I was young and stupid at the time……



We planned it for months. It was to be the birthday party to end all parties. I bought a beautiful, white silk pantsuit with lace and hand sewn seed pearls on the front for the momentous occasion. The bar, disc jockey and baby sitter had all been reserved, along with a food and decorating committee. On THE BIG DAY, my brother surprised me with a bottle of Dom Perignon ( nectar of the gods) and my husband had a brand, spanking new minivan delivered to our home. It was the perfect day….and I don’t do well with perfection. Because somehow I find a way to screw it up. Two hours before the party started, The Hubs was in the driveway signing the papers with the car salesman. The cold bottle of Dom was calling my name from the refrigerator. I drank the first glass while I finished putting on my makeup. I drank the second (and third) while I was curling my hair. By the time I was pouring my fourth, The Hubs finished the deal and handed me the keys to my new birthday present. I didn’t eat before the party because I’d been dieting so that I wouldn’t look like the Michelin Man in my white pantsuit. I think you know where I’m going with this: champagne + empty stomach = TROUBLE. By the time we arrived at the club, my nerves kicked in at the prospect of hosting a party for 50 people. I quickly marched up to the bar to place my order. My brain started screaming, “NOOO!” the minute my mouth shouted ,”Sex On The Beach!” I NEVER drank that cocktail combination! Someone slipped the bartender a few extra bills to make the drink stronger for the birthday girl. Yeah, like I needed that. I pinched my nose and chugged the drink to calm my nervous excitement. Oh vodka, you fickle bitch, convincing women they can move like a pole dancer on the floor to any pulsating beat from a DJ’s sound system. The siren song of alcohol warped my perception, leading me to believe I was as sexy as Cat Woman in a snug, white pantsuit. I sidled up to every male in the room (including the janitor and a skitterish waiter) like a wolf in heat. The Hubs was busy playing host and didn’t seem to mind that his wife was quickly turning into a party train wreck. That evening, 20 years ago, is still a blur to me. I remember stumbling through some horrid line dances and stepping on many toes. I never got to blow out the candles or taste the birthday cake because I was too busy ralphing up Sex On The Beach in the toilet. My beautiful, white pantsuit turned into a Jackson Pollock painting with red cranberry juice splatters all over the fabric. I DO remember my sister and my best friend holding my hair out of my face so that I wouldn’t wake the next morning with puke-encrusted strands. It took several men to carry me down a flight of stairs to the minivan and believe me, this scene was nothing like Madonna’s “Material Girl” music video where all the male dancers are carrying the sexy, writhing singer down the stairs. Oh, I was writhing all right; writhing in agony because my stomach had not finished giving up the ghost. I learned the next day that everyone happily carried on without me and (thankfully) no lap dances were performed. After I woke from my alcohol induced coma with a headache reminiscent of electro shock therapy, I crawled to the phone to start my long list of apologies to the guests. Moral of the story: tequila might make a woman’s clothes fall off, but Dom makes me dumb and vodka makes me vampy. Next time I’ll wear camo to the party to hide my upchuck imperfections.


***Please check out my pugalicious Christmas card to all of my dear readers today over at In The Powder Room! http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/home-time/2013-12-doyle-nut-house.html

 
      Welcome to my special Fly On The Wall holiday edition, hosted by Karen of http://www.bakinginatornado.com. We've made the fly quite dizzy this month with our frenzied holiday  preparations. He might have landed in my spiked eggnog the other day, so don't believe everything he tells you that he overheard in my home. It's probably the rum talking.

"Oh good, it's Christmas! Time to play my favorite holiday board game, 'Gorge, Party And Purge.'"

"Elves are the illegitimate children of Mrs. Claus, who was the original ho. That's why Santa yells, "Ho Ho Ho!'"

"Reindeer poop is magic fertilizer for the garden---kind of like Miracle Grow."
"Does this mean the roses will sprout antlers?"


"You have too many tubs full of holiday stuff here! You belong on Hoarders….the Christmas edition."

"Santa must have been agoraphobic. He only left his house once a year to drop off gifts and pilfer cookies."

"What is the nog in eggnog? The dregs of the egg?"

"Stop feeding the dog so much Christmas ham. Pretty soon she's going to need a pug girdle."

"I think I have a holiday yeast infection."
"Then you're out of luck because I don't think they make Monistat for men."

"He hated having to wear that tux to the party. He was practically foaming at the mouth for a beer…..it made him look like a rabid penguin."


"Are those moose knuckles in your pants or are you just happy to meet me under the mistletoe?"

"I love your holiday rum cake but it always gives me heartburn. I'll need a barrel o' Tums after eating a slice. An enema might also be in order."

"What does he want for Christmas?"
"An alligator, but it needs to be toothless."
"Why, so it can gum him to death?"

"Are you planning on spending New Year's Eve passed out on the front lawn again?"
"I wouldn't mind it as long as there aren't anymore fire ants on the grass. Last year I woke up looking like I had measles."

"What a nice surprise! A Coconut Bliss pillow from the mattress store for Christmas. It smells like vanilla cake. If I wake up a few pounds heavier tomorrow and the pillow is missing, you'll know why."


"Feeling blue during Christmas? All you need is pug therapy!"

"I  just had a two layer burp---Special K cereal on top of taco salad. I think I'll follow it up with some Christmas fudge."

"I don't need Viagra. I have you."
"Now THAT'S the holiday gift that keeps on giving!"

"Elves are the mischievous cousins of yard gnomes. Forget 'Elf On The Shelf.' We have Elf In The Butt."

"Time to upgrade your radio for Christmas, Mom. You know, they do make ones that aren't as big and heavy as a cinder block."

"I just got my period after two years, just in time for Christmas. WTH, I'm menopausal! Well played, Santa."

"Next year I want to be in the Christmas boat parade."
"Forget it---the pirate rum ships disappeared a long time ago."

"I'm not trying to be a grinch but I'm tired of putting up Christmas yard decorations. The lights always burn out and inevitably the reindeers will end up beheaded. The others have backward antlers. They're dyslexic reindeers."


     Merry Christmas from our crazy home to yours! Now put down that eggnog and go visit the other merry bloggers participating in today's Fly On The Wall!


***Don't forget to check out my weekly post over at In The Powder Room. I've put a new spin on some old Christmas tunes. Check out, "I'm Dreaming Of A Cheap Christmas" here: http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/me-time/2013-12-dreaming-cheap-christmas.html

     Wednesday seems to be the favorite day for guest blogging all over the blogosphere. I'm chatting about Christmas over at my good friend Starr's site http://www.theinsomniacsdream.com/2013/12/writers-retreat-tis-season.html so please stop by if you have a chance to say hello. In the meantime, many of you already know my Wacky Wednesday Writer guest today---Eli from http://coachdaddyblog.wordpress.com. Don't let the title of his blog fool you. It's not just a site for sports fans to follow up on their favorite teams.  Eli writes from a father's perspective on raising daughters, which I find to be a refreshing change from the sea of mom blogs that I read on a daily basis.   His posts vary in topic from sports, to good food, to humorous family stories. He also features a guest blogger on his site every Wednesday and has implemented an idea that he says is based on Hemingway's assertion  that any story can be told in a six-word sentence. He picks a prompt and bloggers are invited to answer the question in six words. He posts the responses on his site and it's truly amazing to see the different perspectives from each writer.

Dear Santa:

    You might remember me from last year---you know, the crazy lady who wrote a letter begging you to stuff her stocking with Prozac and M&MS? Yeah, that was me. I have a new wish list this time, so put the cookies down and listen up. You owe me that much after replacing the Prozac with a bathroom scale last year. Not funny.

 
    I've been excited for WEEKS to introduce you to today's Wacky Wednesday Writers guest! Not only is she one of the coolest bloggers out there, she also owns and loves pugs as much as I do! Please welcome my dear friend Linda Roy of http://elleroywashere.com.
    There's always great stuff going on over at Linda's site. She hosts a weekly blog hop, "I Don't Like Mondays", participates every Tuesday in "Twisted Mixtape" (featuring some of her favorite bands), and listen to this---she posts "Cocktail Saturday", where you can find the yummiest drink recipes for your weekend gatherings. This is all in addition to her regular, humorous posts.
     Linda is also one of the BUSIEST, talented writers I know. She's a managing editor at Raised On The Radio, a staff writer for Aiming Low and Lefty Pop, and to top it all off, leads the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses. I honestly don't know when this multi-talented lady has time to breathe. Maybe on the weekends over her special cocktail concoctions.
     We've been internet buddies for awhile but I am FINALLY going to meet Linda at the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop this April in Ohio. I just know Dayton will never be the same after we leave our mark there.
     Without further ado, please welcome Linda Roy to Meno Mama's site today and give her lots of pug hugs!
     

 
    There was a time when I took pride in the fact that my house was one of the busiest (and noisiest) on the street. I had four children of my own, took care of five others during the after school hours, and maintained a revolving door for all the neighborhood kids to come over whenever they chose.
     On one particular rainy afternoon, I counted seventeen kids (ranging in age from 10-17) in my matchbox-sized home. I'm convinced that this is when my love for margaritas began.
     My house was always LOUD. Music blasting, televisions blaring, giggling, squealing and raucous games of basketball in the driveway---this was the norm. The chaos never bothered me. I loved my role as the entertaining "cool" mom, and was happy to provide enough calorie-ladened snacks to feed an army brigade.
     I was also ten years younger with an endless supply of energy that could rival the stamina of the Energizer bunny.
     Three of my four children have grown and flown the coop. The last one still at home is eighteen and he'd rather have a root canal than spend an evening at home with dear old Mom and Dad. This allows us quite a bit of wiggle room for privacy and a glimpse of what life will be like when the last one packs his bags and heads off to college (hopefully to a school on the other side of the continent). This is why I know I'm going to LOVE being an empty nester:

* A lower grocery bill. My supermarket expenses will finally be lower than my monthly mortgage payment. I will no longer need to buy stock in toilet paper, milk or Axe Body Spray.

* My car insurance rates will drop….but so will my tax deductions. Perhaps the I.R.S. will count fostering male dogs with bathroom handicaps as a tax deduction.


* My house will stay clean. No more hazardous waste piles of laundry or a bathroom requiring a
Hazmat team to scrub it clean.

* We can travel spontaneously anywhere in the world---or maybe just to Walmart---without needing to hire a babysitter.

* No more math homework (Y=mx+b... HUH?), erupting volcanoes in the kitchen (science experiment) or thirty page term papers on the Civil War that create tears of frustration (and several shots of tequila for mom).

* My husband and I can finally have a REAL adult conversation instead of the usual, "Has he pooped today?", Did she eat her greens?", "Make sure he brushes his teeth before bed", "Does she want fries with that?"

* No more detailed school supplies lists from teachers (what do you mean you need a specific brand of environmentally safe markers made in China by three-fingered panda bears?). And no more expensive school uniforms (Honey, you're NOT wearing a plaid mini skirt and heels to school in a reckless  attempt to imitate Jenna Jameson in an adult movie!).

* I don't have to cook for a crowd every night. The Hubs and I will be perfectly content to snarf down a bowl of Cocoa Puffs for dinner while watching an episode of Hoarders.

* No more part time job as a taxi driver chauffeuring kids in a beat-up mini van to choir, gymnastics, karate, dance, soccer, cheerleading or band. It also signifies the end of chaperoning school field trips to the zoo and getting parrot poop on my head.

* Sex 24/7. Every night can be a date night, and every moment is a Cialis moment. The only thing that's missing is matching bathtubs in a wildly inappropriate place, like the tool aisle at Sears.

     As I revel in my thoughts of newfound freedom, my eighteen-year-old son informs me has picked the college he'd like to attend….and it's only ten minutes from our home. Looks like my empty nester plans will have to be put on hold a little bit longer. But I can still dream, can't I?      

***My weekly feature over at In The Powder Room is a funny spin on aging. You can read all about it here:  http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/me-time/2013-12-truth-about-aging.html

***Want MORE Meno Mama? I am also featured on Better After 50 this week talking about my colonoscopy with The Hubs. I'm also featured again on the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop---my holiday from hell story--- if you would like to check that out as well. Here are the links to both sites:
http://betterafter50.com/2013/12/i-got-a-colonoscopy-with-my-husband/  and  http://humorwriters.org/2013/12/07/holiday-from-hell.html

     I absolutely ADORE my Wacky Wednesday Writer guest today! I met Lisa Newlin of http://lisanewlin.com last year through a mutual blogger friend who recommended her site to me. I'm so glad she did, because I have found a kindred blogger spirit in Lisa. We share a similar zany sense of humor and everything she blogs about is not only relatable but laugh-out-loud funny. Whether it's Zumba class, Spanx or her love for Chipotle, Lisa always delivers the giggles. Please welcome her to my site today and share a little comment love with this beautiful, funny friend of mine!