There's always great stuff going on over at Linda's site. She hosts a weekly blog hop, "I Don't Like Mondays", participates every Tuesday in "Twisted Mixtape" (featuring some of her favorite bands), and listen to this---she posts "Cocktail Saturday", where you can find the yummiest drink recipes for your weekend gatherings. This is all in addition to her regular, humorous posts.
Linda is also one of the BUSIEST, talented writers I know. She's a managing editor at Raised On The Radio, a staff writer for Aiming Low and Lefty Pop, and to top it all off, leads the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses. I honestly don't know when this multi-talented lady has time to breathe. Maybe on the weekends over her special cocktail concoctions.
We've been internet buddies for awhile but I am FINALLY going to meet Linda at the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop this April in Ohio. I just know Dayton will never be the same after we leave our mark there.
Without further ado, please welcome Linda Roy to Meno Mama's site today and give her lots of pug hugs!
Your Ambush Makeover Needs a Makeover
I’m going to come clean here. Because I actually clean up pretty nice.
Sometimes I sit through The Today Show during the Hoda and Kathie hour. I’m careful to clarify that I “sit through” it - I don’t actually watch it. Because if I watched it, I would never stop bitch slapping my flat screen.
Every now and then one of their henchwomen pulls a couple of bedraggled tourists from the front lines of stalkers...uh...fans...and sends them into the studio for a makeover of epic proportions with style guru Louis Licari (la la la la la). Some are surprised, some lobby hard for it - holding signs - “Please help me! I haven’t cut my hair since the Nixon administration!”, but they’re all just thrilled at the chance to be plucked from obscurity, remade and thrown back into obscurity - all on national television.
Don’t get me wrong. I’d jump at the chance to have a makeover. Hell, I’m going to get my roots touched up tomorrow and I’m more excited than a Kardashian rolling naked on a floor filled with hundred dollar bills. But the thing about makeovers is that the end result is almost always glamorous. How is that a problem, you ask? Well, it isn’t - except that anybody can look great with a new “do”, a color treatment, full professionally applied makeup and a pricey cocktail dress from Bloomingdales. Big deal. Then what? What happens after the hubby takes you out for a spin around Gotham in your new duds, a few too many glasses of bubbly and a stumble back to the Sheraton later, and you get all waka waka waka on each other and wake up looking like Rocky Raccoon? What then? What happens when you go to the Shop n’ Drop to get milk a week later, back in rural Oswego? I’ll tell you what happens: nothing. On go the sweat pants, the hair’s all frizzed and you’re all frazzled.
Because you can buy a gal a fish dinner, or...you can teach her to fish.
Or something like that.
What about life after the cocktail dress? What about the grocery store, the school pickup line, bowling night? ‘Cause between you and me, the last time I’ve seen the inside of a restaurant other than TGIF-This was too long ago to recall and that’s not just the alcohol talking. I’m serious here - how’s a girl supposed to get consistent Vidal Sassoon results on a Loreal budget?
I want to Norma Kamali my way through Target. I want to be stylin’ with my gal pals like the Applebee’s we’re sitting in is in South Hampton. I want my hair to do that slow motion thing Tina Fey’s hair does in the freaking Nutrisse commercial. And I want to be able to style it myself. Every time. In under ten minutes. You gothat, Louis La La La Lacari? I wanna make that guy my bitch. Next time I walk into the 7-11 I wanna turn heads, not stomachs - got it?
Let’s face it; a makeover is a once in a lifetime thing. And I don’t know about you, but when it finally happens to me, I want to be swept off my feet like the last scene of “Officer and a Gentleman”. That style guru better pick me up and carry me off to Fabulous Land while everybody claps and my best friend manages to shout through her gritted teeth, tears and unmitigated jealousy “Way to go Paula - way to go!” Except my name isn’t Paula.
Because I’m worth it.
Linda Roy is a writer, musician, mom and much to her husband's dismay, the female Larry David. She'll criticize your parallel parking to prove it. She's grateful the word "snark" has been introduced into the vernacular, since she used to be known as "the chick with the bad attitude". She blogs at elleroy was here, fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses, and is an editor/staff writer at Aiming Low, Raised On the Radio and Lefty Pop. She writes and records song parodies at Funny Not Slutty and has contributed her writing to Sprocket Ink, In the Powder Room, Bonbon Break and Earth Hertz Records. You can connect with her on Twitter, Facebook, Google+, Pinterest and Bloglovin'.