Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Wacky Wednesday Writers Guest Post by: Elleroy Was Here

 
    I've been excited for WEEKS to introduce you to today's Wacky Wednesday Writers guest! Not only is she one of the coolest bloggers out there, she also owns and loves pugs as much as I do! Please welcome my dear friend Linda Roy of http://elleroywashere.com.
    There's always great stuff going on over at Linda's site. She hosts a weekly blog hop, "I Don't Like Mondays", participates every Tuesday in "Twisted Mixtape" (featuring some of her favorite bands), and listen to this---she posts "Cocktail Saturday", where you can find the yummiest drink recipes for your weekend gatherings. This is all in addition to her regular, humorous posts.
     Linda is also one of the BUSIEST, talented writers I know. She's a managing editor at Raised On The Radio, a staff writer for Aiming Low and Lefty Pop, and to top it all off, leads the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses. I honestly don't know when this multi-talented lady has time to breathe. Maybe on the weekends over her special cocktail concoctions.
     We've been internet buddies for awhile but I am FINALLY going to meet Linda at the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop this April in Ohio. I just know Dayton will never be the same after we leave our mark there.
     Without further ado, please welcome Linda Roy to Meno Mama's site today and give her lots of pug hugs!
     
Your Ambush Makeover Needs a Makeover 

I’m going to come clean here. Because I actually clean up pretty nice. 

Sometimes I sit through The Today Show during the Hoda and Kathie hour. I’m careful to clarify that I “sit through” it - I don’t actually watch it. Because if I watched it, I would never stop bitch slapping my flat screen. 

Every now and then one of their henchwomen pulls a couple of bedraggled tourists from the front lines of stalkers...uh...fans...and sends them into the studio for a makeover of epic proportions with style guru Louis Licari (la la la la la). Some are surprised, some lobby hard for it - holding signs - “Please help me! I haven’t cut my hair since the Nixon administration!”, but they’re all just thrilled at the chance to be plucked from obscurity, remade and thrown back into obscurity - all on national television.

Don’t get me wrong. I’d jump at the chance to have a makeover. Hell, I’m going to get my roots touched up tomorrow and I’m more excited than a Kardashian rolling naked on a floor filled with hundred dollar bills. But the thing about makeovers is that the end result is almost always glamorous.  How is that a problem, you ask? Well, it isn’t - except that anybody can look great with a new “do”, a color treatment, full professionally applied makeup and a pricey cocktail dress from Bloomingdales. Big deal. Then what? What happens after the hubby takes you out for a spin around Gotham in your new duds, a few too many glasses of bubbly and a stumble back to the Sheraton later, and you get all waka waka waka on each other and wake up looking like Rocky Raccoon? What then? What happens when you go to the Shop n’ Drop to get milk a week later, back in rural Oswego?  I’ll tell you what happens: nothing. On go the sweat pants, the hair’s all frizzed and you’re all frazzled.  

Because you can buy a gal a fish dinner, or...you can teach her to fish.

Or something like that. 

What about life after the cocktail dress? What about the grocery store, the school pickup line, bowling night? ‘Cause between you and me, the last time I’ve seen the inside of a restaurant other than TGIF-This was too long ago to recall and that’s not just the alcohol talking.  I’m serious here - how’s a girl supposed to get consistent Vidal Sassoon results on a Loreal budget? 

I want to Norma Kamali my way through Target. I want to be stylin’ with my gal pals like the Applebee’s we’re sitting in is in South Hampton. I want my hair to do that slow motion thing Tina Fey’s hair does in the freaking Nutrisse commercial. And I want to be able to style it myself. Every time. In under ten minutes. You gothat, Louis La La La Lacari? I wanna make that guy my bitch.  Next time I walk into the 7-11 I wanna turn heads, not stomachs - got it?

Let’s face it; a makeover is a once in a lifetime thing. And I don’t know about you, but when it finally happens to me, I want to be swept off my feet like the last scene of “Officer and a Gentleman”. That style guru better pick me up and carry me off to Fabulous Land while everybody claps and my best friend manages to shout through her gritted teeth, tears and unmitigated jealousy “Way to go Paula - way to go!” Except my name isn’t Paula. 

Because I’m worth it. 



BIO:

Linda Roy is a writer, musician, mom and much to her husband's dismay, the female Larry David.  She'll criticize your parallel parking to prove it. She's grateful the word "snark" has been introduced into the vernacular, since she used to be known as "the chick with the bad attitude".  She blogs at elleroy was here, fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses, and is an editor/staff writer at Aiming LowRaised On the Radio and Lefty Pop. She writes and records song parodies at Funny Not Slutty and has contributed her writing to Sprocket InkIn the Powder RoomBonbon Break and Earth Hertz Records. You can connect with her on TwitterFacebookGoogle+Pinterest and Bloglovin'.

32 comments:

  1. Marcia: I love Linda so hard, too! I'm officially in a bitch fit and jealous you two get to meet each other. Hoes.

    Linda: GOTHAM. YOU SAID GOTHAM. *nergasm*

    Twitch.

    K, now that's over.

    This. Was. Fan-fucking-tastic. (Can I say that here?)

    You are so right! Anybody can look good, but not everyone does that all the time. I don't get dolled up likes it's the Emmy's every time I run next door to Circle K for a beer. Ahem, I mean a soda.

    Your life is far more glamorous than mine. TGIF to me IS a Five Star, put on makeup and do my hair and put on real pants kind of place.

    Usually I live on take out and leftovers and look like the back end of a donkey's ass.

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    1. Starr - muah! Love you right back, sista! We went to TGIF the other day and I actually took off the yoga pants I'd been wearing all week to get dolled up for it. When I got home, the yoga pants went back on though. Cuz damn - my real pants were choking the life out of me. Especially after the appetizer sampler.

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  2. I think this is WONDERFUL!! It's the perfect description of my life in today's world. I once lived in the "other world" of glam and money, and let me tell you, it's not all it's cracked up to be! My prince charming did ride up on his white horse (OK, it was a gold Mercedes) and whisk me off to Never-never-land (OK, it was Tucson, AZ) but it didn't take long for fate (OK, it was vodka) to take over and dismount the prince (OK, maybe it was MOUNT the Price and it was a woman named Alice).

    The point is, a once in a while makeover is much more fun than having to look like a princess every day (heck, even The Princess (aka future queen) can't do it). If I can''t put on my makeup in less than 2 minutes, it doesn't happen at all. And my jeans? Wash and wear! Shirts? I have favs that I wear all the time and a few that I save for "special occasions", but who has special occasions?

    Life is life. A few minutes of fame on a tv show would be fun, but not "Life".

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    1. Tina - "…MOUNT the Prince…" LOLOL Exactly; more than 2 minutes of makeup time and my ADHD kicks in. It's so much woooorrrrkkk and it's haaarrrddd. I remember my mom wouldn't step outside to get the mail without a coat of her trademark red lipstick. Pffft. Ain't nobody got time for dat!

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  3. The makeover now is equivalent to the "Glamour Shots". There's actually a realtor in my town that has her glamour photo on her sign :) I grew up in a culture where you couldn't go out till you were all dolled up with wearing designer brands from head to toe. Very shallow and couldn't wait to get out of it and dress in jeans..I believe it's nice to look decent around town but not makeover quality:)I always wondered whether these makeover women kept their look or just went back their old ways when they washed their hair. I enjoy your blog and humour. Great post!

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  4. Thanks! I think it would be great if they did a follow up, don't you? Maybe "ambush" them unexpectedly at home and catch them on the couch with a bag of chips in their sweat pants with their hair up. Um…I think I'm talking about me here…;)

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  5. I don't want a makeover – I want my hair to look great on a daily basis. That is all. I just want to take a magic pill that blows out my hair so it looks great and doesn't annoy me with its straight, staticky nastiness.
    That is all.

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    1. Me too. You know what I think? I think we should find a scientist to formulate that pill, then we need to patent that shit, make millions (because you know we would) and buy out Simon & Schuster, publish our own books and those of our friends, be wildly and fantastically loved and appreciated by the multitudes for our contributions to society and…AND…all with great hair.

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  6. A follow-up would certainly make me happier!
    I'm pretty much an 'I'm clean and covered? We're good to go!' type of person. Style? Not even considered. :)

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    1. Me too. I'd be so down with that. A slice of reality. I'm that way too, these days. I used to put so much effort into my outings, but now, I'm just tired.

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  7. Interesting post. The idea that a make-over that renders you looking fabulous should later cause heart-ache at the contrast when you resort to the usual scruffs, got me thinking about the converse i.e. putting time and energy into looking crap so that when you resort to your usual self you will look fabulous in comparison. I experienced a bit of the latter when I tried on (and was photographed in) a burgundy onesie that my daughter bought me. The word 'obscene' does not do it justic!

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    1. That's an excellent concept Bryan.I think sometimes I do that involuntarily.

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  8. Just awesome! Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up

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    1. Thanks Molley and thanks as always for hosting the Hook Up!

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  9. So a girl I went to High School with had a makeover on Oprah. She had long scraggly hair (like mine) and no fashion sense. She looked AMAZING when it was over. They cut her hair in a stylish bob, put some awesome duds on her, got her contacts and did an amazing job on her make-up.
    I saw her a few weeks later, her stylish bob now looked like Rosanne Rosanna Danna, if you cut that frizz short and don't straighten it, that's bound to happen. And she was wearing some sort of frock.
    'nuff said.

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    1. Yep. That's what I thought. Yeah, before the straightening iron came into our collective lives, trying to keep the frizz at bay was impossible. (I have naturally curly hair and the slightest precipitation makes me look like the guy at the football game with the rainbow clown wig) But the real tragedy here is she had to put up with Oprah. lol

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  10. Hi Linda! What a great post! And so very true...I am what I am, and I guess a ton of Maybelline and Burberry scarves aren't going to change me that much. I was recently thinking how wonderful it would be to have a personal make up person and stylist. All I got going for me is me, and I'm not that talented. I'm a nurse, so fashion is limited to really stylin' scrubs and a ponytail.

    I like Bryan's idea. Maybe I should just really go low, so when I put on something decent, I'll feel like Grace Kelly!

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    1. Nurses have some pretty stylin' scrubs these days. I'm serious. And you are talented. You're helping save lives. On his most productive day, Louis Lacari is saving split ends.

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  11. Oh Linda that was funny and so darned truthful... I know I want to see how someone looks a week or two after the make over... nothing like they looked that day :)

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    1. See? We all want the follow up! I demand the follow up!

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  12. I've always wondered how long the makeovers last too. New hair, new outfit, it only lasts a day. And even if they don't shower (to preserve the do) it's not like they're getting a week's worth of outfits…they get one. And you know not many are headed out to buy according to how they've been advised. I'll bet most feel worse after two or three days because now they've got guilt over not making the changes permanently.

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    1. That's an excellent point! They're being set up for self loathing and lifelong disappointment. And what about the husbands/family members/friends who all go gaga over the results? Do the subjects feel they're letting them all down by going back to Frumpville?

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  13. YES. I have actually washed and styled my hair to have it end up looking worse than it did before I got in the shower. Yup. That's how useless I am with a blow dryer and roller brush. I either go through a bunch of work to end up looking like a hooker, or looking like I did absolutely nothing anyway so my efforts are always a waste of time. I definitely could use professional assistance. ONLY for a special event, though. I'd never aspire to have to dress up everyday. That would be torture. Right now I rate my days based on if I'll have to wear a bra and for how long.

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    1. LOL! After I get my hair did - I don't wash my hair for a week. A week! Because there's not a chance in hell I'll be able to do it again. No amount of instruction on the part of the stylist is gonna change that. Plus? I'm too lazy. That's why God created baseball caps.

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  14. Loved this... turning heads instead of stomachs, haha. That scene from An Officer and a Gentleman has ruined many a woman's life I think :)

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  15. Living in NYC I see many dudes that can use a makeover too. It's almost like they forgot how to dress and take care of themselves once they started living on their own. They need to bring back that show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy". Boy, there were some train wrecks on that show! It was funny at times.

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    1. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy-I loved that show!!!!! Phil you're fast becoming one of my favorite men. Shhhhh-don't tell!

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    2. That's a great point Phil! Some of the guys who are so excited to see the big reveal need a makeover themselves. Queer Eye was such a great show. Loved it!

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  16. Right? I always wondered what happened after those makeovers too. I'd love to go storm some of those people's houses a few months after the makeover to see if they were back to their pre glamorous ways. I'm getting my hair cut and colored Friday for the first time since I had my daughter this Friday-it may not really be a makeover but it will sure feel like it to me. Woo-hoo!

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    1. Hey Sarah - it's Salon Week for us girls! I'm getting mine cut and I'm "rinsing out the gray" today! It does feel like a makeover. Enjoy it!!! And please post a pic of your fabulous post salon self!

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  17. I'm actually capable of looking that way every day, and in under 30 minutes. But I don't cause, well, I don't want to spoil the hubs. And make all the neighbors jealous.

    That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

    Thanks for the laugh, Linda. And for letting me know what goes on with Hoda and Kathie, I make sure to turn the TV off the minute that show starts.

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