Thursday, December 26, 2013

The Birthday Party From Hell

     Meno Mama is spending the holiday with her crazy family at the nuthouse, so in the meantime I wanted to leave you with a funny guest post I wrote a few months ago for my gal pal Stephanie over at http://whencrazymeetsexhaustion.com. This is a memory from a long time ago…one I'm not too proud of but fortunately am able to laugh at myself for doing the things that I did back then. What can I say? I was young and stupid at the time……


THE BIRTHDAY PARTY FROM HELL

We planned it for months. It was to be the birthday party to end all parties. I bought a beautiful, white silk pantsuit with lace and hand sewn seed pearls on the front for the momentous occasion. The bar, disc jockey and baby sitter had all been reserved, along with a food and decorating committee. On THE BIG DAY, my brother surprised me with a bottle of Dom Perignon ( nectar of the gods) and my husband had a brand, spanking new minivan delivered to our home. It was the perfect day….and I don’t do well with perfection. Because somehow I find a way to screw it up. Two hours before the party started, The Hubs was in the driveway signing the papers with the car salesman. The cold bottle of Dom was calling my name from the refrigerator. I drank the first glass while I finished putting on my makeup. I drank the second (and third) while I was curling my hair. By the time I was pouring my fourth, The Hubs finished the deal and handed me the keys to my new birthday present. I didn’t eat before the party because I’d been dieting so that I wouldn’t look like the Michelin Man in my white pantsuit. I think you know where I’m going with this: champagne + empty stomach = TROUBLE. By the time we arrived at the club, my nerves kicked in at the prospect of hosting a party for 50 people. I quickly marched up to the bar to place my order. My brain started screaming, “NOOO!” the minute my mouth shouted ,”Sex On The Beach!” I NEVER drank that cocktail combination! Someone slipped the bartender a few extra bills to make the drink stronger for the birthday girl. Yeah, like I needed that. I pinched my nose and chugged the drink to calm my nervous excitement. Oh vodka, you fickle bitch, convincing women they can move like a pole dancer on the floor to any pulsating beat from a DJ’s sound system. The siren song of alcohol warped my perception, leading me to believe I was as sexy as Cat Woman in a snug, white pantsuit. I sidled up to every male in the room (including the janitor and a skitterish waiter) like a wolf in heat. The Hubs was busy playing host and didn’t seem to mind that his wife was quickly turning into a party train wreck. That evening, 20 years ago, is still a blur to me. I remember stumbling through some horrid line dances and stepping on many toes. I never got to blow out the candles or taste the birthday cake because I was too busy ralphing up Sex On The Beach in the toilet. My beautiful, white pantsuit turned into a Jackson Pollock painting with red cranberry juice splatters all over the fabric. I DO remember my sister and my best friend holding my hair out of my face so that I wouldn’t wake the next morning with puke-encrusted strands. It took several men to carry me down a flight of stairs to the minivan and believe me, this scene was nothing like Madonna’s “Material Girl” music video where all the male dancers are carrying the sexy, writhing singer down the stairs. Oh, I was writhing all right; writhing in agony because my stomach had not finished giving up the ghost. I learned the next day that everyone happily carried on without me and (thankfully) no lap dances were performed. After I woke from my alcohol induced coma with a headache reminiscent of electro shock therapy, I crawled to the phone to start my long list of apologies to the guests. Moral of the story: tequila might make a woman’s clothes fall off, but Dom makes me dumb and vodka makes me vampy. Next time I’ll wear camo to the party to hide my upchuck imperfections.


***Please check out my pugalicious Christmas card to all of my dear readers today over at In The Powder Room! http://www.inthepowderroom.com/read/home-time/2013-12-doyle-nut-house.html

46 comments:

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  2. My sides almost split! I don't know what's wrong with vodka. It is said to be the perfect drink for women, but every time I get more than two pegs, I I feel like the sexiest woman around and yes, if I drink more than that I seem to experience tabula rasa!

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  3. Oh my Marcia, I think we all have that story we are not proud of... lol... I have one of those... I will have to share it with you sometime... :)

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  4. Oh my days, that's so funny, a birthday party you can't remember. You should have kept the white pantsuit, put it in a frame and hung it on the wall as an artistic reminder for the grandchildren, ha ha ha. You should also explain what each stain represents too, ha ha ha.

    Now, I hope you're behaving yourself right now MM? I know just how crazy you all get in that house. Enjoy and make sure you tell us all about it with pictures too.

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    1. I'm hosting a New year's Eve party next week….let's see what happens…..

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    2. My heart is in my mouth now... ha ha ha.

      Have a great time celebrating without me seeing you on the news :)

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  5. It has to be done at some point in our lives - it all adds to the rich tapestry of life (as well as giving you a funny experience to blog about).

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    1. I knew it must have happened for a reason!

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  6. What a great story! We can all relate to this somehow!! Happy Birthday!

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    1. Yup--I think we've all had at least one drunken, embarrassing moment in our life!

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  7. I shall have to make sure I try vodka at some point (minus the champers) - I normally drink red wine, which makes me think I'm HILARIOUS, and then after a while it becomes a very good idea to DRINK ALL THE DRINK.

    And later on...yeah...puking. Sleeping on the floor. Or balancing my head on the taps over the sink. Asleep. Getting a bruise down the middle of my forehead...

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    1. OMG now THAT'S a story I want to hear!!!!

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  8. I remember that party Marcia! I arrived a little bit late and never did see the birthday girl!! I remember a few years later you saw a picture of the cake and said when was this? lol it was a really good cake!!! Yes it was one bad party for you but my dear friend, you have hosted soooooooo many wonderful parties this birthday one included...you just didn't get to enjoy it!! Love you!! Julie

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    1. I know, right? From what I hear it was a GREAT party. I'm just mad that I had my head in a toilet all night and missed out on all the fun!!!

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  9. OMG that sounds like my New Year's Eve last year. My husband and I argue about how many times I puked. I swear it was only five but he was completely sober so I have to believe him when he claims it was eight.

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    1. So what are your plans THIS New Year's???? If you are having a party, promise to take some pictures……and write a post about it!

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  10. The Birthday Party from Hell Blog was hilarious. The writing of the Blog was very impressive. Well done.

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    1. Thanks, Daniel! I really appreciate all the support you have given me!

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  11. Your post gave me flashbacks! LOL. You're not alone in the club of having done & regretted this - and I hope that's as comforting to you as it is to me. :) First big party that I ever attended with my new boyfriend Bill years ago - yep - similar story to the one you just so humorously told. I even managed to get sick ON him. Ugh! So glad that he has a great sense of humor and was able to overlook the super sick picture that I painted that night. We married a few years later ... and he still enjoys laughing and retelling the story of our first party date whenever he gets the chance. Oh the things we'd go back and change if we could! :)

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    1. OMG it was one of your early dates and you threw up on him? AND he didn't mind??? Oh yes, he is a keeper!!!! Hey, next time, I want to party with you!

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  12. Oh. My. Word. And suddenly I'm grateful that I've never been a drinker of anything stronger than grape juice. (And THAT can get me going . . .) I'm looking at the bright side here. At least you got to keep the mini van. Right? Right?! :)

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    1. Oh yes! I had that mini van for YEARS!!!! In fact, it was the vehicle that 3 of my 4 kids learned how to drive in!

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  13. just dropping by to wish you and yours a Happy New Year. http://www.shopfrommyhouse.com/

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  14. It's like when someone mentions martinis (for instance) and I add "I drank martinis - one time" or "I drank tequila shots - one time". I have some stories I'd love to forget. Hah. I now stick to the alcohol I know. ;)

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    1. Champagne is the one thing I can count on to keep me from making a fool out of myself.

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  15. Oh, I have had a few of those birthdays but it usually involved Mr Johnny Walker, Mr Jack Daniels, and that evil lady Ms Tequila! Blackout drinking!

    Vodka is usually in my martinis - and I have had a few bad nights with those too.

    I never learn.

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  16. Hahahaha sounds like you had a wild night! Brought back memories! I hugged the toilet a few times myself, crying out to all the saints promising I will never drink alcohol again. LOL

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    1. I can;t tell you HOW many times I have promised never to drink again….but by the following weekend you can still find me with some sort of fruity libation in my hand.

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  17. Oh, I love it! Mostly because I've been there before, and it's nice to see that I wasn't alone! Except mine was cheap beer, not Dom. Haha!

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    1. Ohhhhh I've had a few sessions with the toilet after some beers as well…..

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  18. Hilarious Marcia!You never fail to make me smile.. Hope you are enjoying your holidays.. have a blessed year ahead!

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  19. Brings back a horrible memory of my own! I think we all have experienced this nightmare, maybe not always on our birthday, but at some point during our lives. And then we learn.

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    1. I THOUGHT I learned…but sadly, it has happened a few more times…just not quite as severely!

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    2. Oh, we all have stupid, embarrassing stories we can tell, alcohol-induced or not. I hope you learned a lesson from this, young lady!!! :) Some day I'll tell you the scandalous story of me, home-made liqueur and the squeaky-toy codpiece :) Although that's not embarrassing, it's just funny :) Or I could tell you about the debauched night of Greek wine, restina, and hot Greek men...probably everything would have been okay if I hadn't thrown BEER in at the very end ;)

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    3. Oh now THIS is a story I MUST hear!!!!

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  20. That poor pant suit! I've learned the tequila lesson the hard way, too. I've spent lots of time hoping there are pictures to prove it :) Haha!

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    1. Oh nooooI don't want ANY pictures….tempted to burn the ones I have!

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  21. OMG This sounds like my 21st bday. Oh, and the Halloween when my then-future, now-ex hubs had to carry me upstairs after I made out w him and then puked on his shoes...

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    1. If he is your ex then I'm GLAD you puked in his shoes!

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  22. I remember this post! I still love it! Oversharing is fun!

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    1. Ah yes, nice to know I can get a few laughs at my own expense. Isn't that what blogging is all about?

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