Menopausal Mother

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, four bloggers are bravely opening their homes to you so that you can be a "fly on the wall" to see what goes on behind closed doors.

     We're all abuzz over here at the Doyle house prepping for a new baby granddaughter, who is due in a month! Tomorrow we celebrate with a baby shower brunch, and I am beyond excited. I've been to a gazillion showers over the years, but this one will be different for me because it's co-ed! I guess this is what the young moms are doing nowadays. Even the traditional baby shower games have changed ("Bobbing For Bottle Nipples," "Twerking Ping Pong Balls"...say whaaaaa?). I'm giving you fair warning----my next Fly On The Wall post in October will most likely be filled with incriminating photos from this crazy event.


     Most of the conversations that have been going on around my house lately involve my husband's health. He's 62 going on 32, or so he thinks. He has a physically demanding job outdoors, which I'm certain contributes to 99% of his aches and pains, but this hasn't stopped him from slowing down one bit. His nightstand drawer is loaded with a bevy of medication for whatever ails him, and I enjoy nothing more than teasing him about this advanced age when he complains.....

"I'm so tired go being sore when I wake up every morning. Yesterday it was my back. Today it's my hips."
 "Jurassic park called. They're missing one of their dinosaurs."


"I can't sleep right now. Everything aches."
"Is that why you're squinting at me in the dark?"
"No, I'm pretending to be a chipmunk with a bad eye."
"I can't handle your weirdness at 1:00 a.m. Go the f@*k to sleep."
"Be nice or else I'll maul you with my chipmunk paws."

"Are you going to need a taller ladder to reach that shelf?"
"Yeah, I need two more inches."
"That's what she said...."


"I'm playing a video golf game on my iPad and my competitor's name is Fatty Fatkins."
"Then you should probably change your user name to Poopie Poopkins."

"Have you ever noticed that a pug's butt looks like Jesus in a robe with his arms outstretched?"
"And so we shall pray to the almighty pug: Father, Son and the Holy Sphincter."


"My legs are really hurting tonight. I need another blanket."
"You need an amputation."


     I need my husband to stay healthy at least until the new grand baby arrives. After that, I'll be placing a call to Jurassic Park about an idea for a new exhibit......


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I'm up on Pickle Fork this week with a funny post on surviving a hurricane. You can read it here: https://medium.com/pickle-fork/how-to-survive-a-hurricane-in-fifteen-easy-steps-952a879e2b80

     If there is one creation on earth that I hate above all else, it is the COCKROACH. We have plenty of them down here in south Florida because these nasty insects love the tropics as much as the tourists do. We call ours "palmetto bugs," and they're the size of chupacabras. Even worse--the females can FLY (the true definition of hell).

     Another disgusting and horrifying thing about cockroaches: they refuse to DIE, no matter how many times they're sprayed with poison or squished with a shoe. I'm convinced they'll survive the apocalypse in a zombie-cockroach kind of way....which means that we're all doomed.

     I've had enough years in Florida to "observe" cockroaches, (what I really mean is that I SCREAM and run in TERROR) and the females are particularly tenacious. They give birth to dozens of babies at once and are quite clever about laying their eggs in hidden places. I'm certain they have a secret agenda, but if I had to think like a female cockroach, I imagine this is what my daily agenda would be:
                              

6:00 a.m.  Kitchen lights on. Hide under toaster and nibble on crumbs.

6:45 a.m. Rummage around silverware drawer for more crumbs. Avoid roach motel.

7:30 a.m. Mix and Mingle Party under shower drain.

8:45 a.m. Invite girlfriends over to raid open bag of Chips Ahoy left in pantry.

9:00 a.m. Come down from sugar high. Check reflection in mirror to make sure chocolate chip cookies did not make butt look bigger.


10:00 a.m. Engage in Yeti tactics with furry, four-legged creature. Wiggle antennas and scurry under door mat before getting caught.

12:00 p.m. Nap time (check out wet laundry pile at bottom of teenage boy's closet).

3:00 p.m. Catch up over coffee grounds in trash bin with girlfriends

5:00 p.m. Dinner: remnants of food left in dog bowl.

7:00 p.m. Hang out incognito with humans watching Orange Is The New Black by blending in with floral drapes.

8:00 p.m. FREAK OUT HUMANS (Bitch, you think that Raid shit is gonna kill me? We've survived trips on Russian spaceships and we'll be here long after your species is extinct).

10:00 p.m. Kitchen lights out. Party time!

10:15 p.m. Kitchen lights on----everyone hide under the dishwasher!

11:00 p.m. Rendezvous with sweetheart behind toilet. Make 100 baby cucarachas. Smoke afterwards.

2:30 a.m. Early morning smorgasbord with friends on kitchen counter: leftover pizza crust, two lettuce leaves (for the dieters) and several tortilla chip crumbs. Lick margarita glasses left in sink.

5:00 a.m. Climb tiles in shower to work off extra tortilla chip calories.

5:30 a.m. Groom wings, get manicure on all six legs, lay egg in Tupperware bin.

5:55 a.m. Plan baby shower.

6:00 a.m. Lights on---a new day! Meet girls for breakfast under the toaster oven. Discuss wing span length of buff cockroach living two drawers down. Fantasize about the day we will INHERIT THE EARTH.



***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? It has been a BUSY week for me!! I co-wrote a satirical list post with close friend and fellow humorist Linda Roy, and we were featured on The Weekly Humorist! You can read the post here:  https://www.weeklyhumorist.com/new-requirements-for-voter-registration-under-the-trump-administration/  Later this week, I had my first feature post on Little Old Lady Comedy---a fun, new essay on why menopause doesn't suck, which you can read here:  https://littleoldladycomedy.com/2018/09/05/why-menopause-doesnt-always-suck/

     If you're thinking about hiring a lawyer, my guest on the blog today has some advice for you. Please welcome Will Bail, a freelance link builder and web developer who can show you ways to save money by hiring a lawyer when you need one the most.





BIO:

Will Bail is a freelance link-builder and web developer. He has an adventurous mind but seldom travels as he would rather stay home and make client's business websites more visible on the internet. When not working, you can find him playing nintendo games or hanging out at the church.