Menopausal Mother

     What the heck is up with middle age acne?  I don't eat mountains of chocolate or greasy food to stimulate pimple production (even if that is a myth), so why do I get the connect-a-dot cluster of red bumps on my face every couple of months?  Preparation for a phantom period? There is no more period, so there should be no more blemishes.  Yet there they are, popping up overnight like groundhogs peeking up out of their holes to predict another six weeks of winter.
     I never had much acne as a teenager, so maybe this is payback time.  Although I do remember attending some sort of college sorority dance looking like Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer.  No amount of foundation or powder could cover up that Bozo The Clown nose.
     Pimples are often stressed-induced, but in my case, they crop up when I'm at my happiest, or, say, ten minutes before I'm about to meet with someone I haven't seen in ten years, or I'm about to pose for the yearly family holiday photo. I can just hear some of my relatives now:

    "Geez, what the heck is that thing on her forehead? Looks like a third eye!"

     "The tip of her nose sure is red---must be nipping at the liquor again!"

     Why haven't they invented menopausal pimple prevention cream?  Probably because there would be too many side effects, such as:

     Permanent rosacea (Looking like an adult with chicken pox)

     Cankles

     Increased cellulite

     A third spare tire around the middle (lookin' like the Michelin Man)

     Inflamed gobbler

     Bat wing fat

     Elephant earlobes

     Unabrow

     A sixth toe on the left foot

     Why are we cursed with blemishes when we've already suffered through our teenage angst years?  The difference is that these are faux zits.  You're not getting your period but you're going to go through all the symptoms of one, like bloating and crying over the Publix holiday commercials---or anything else sentimental.  It makes me want to adopt a puppy or feed a child in Guyana.

     I've tried dermabrasion and chemical peels that leave my face looking like a freshly steamed lobster.  I've heard that some women go so far as to rub cat litter and cream on their faces for a smooth complexion. I cleanse and moisturize, cleanse and moisturize and most days my skin looks pretty darn good.  But then there are those mornings I wake up with one pimple that somehow morphs into a riotous gang of color by the end of the evening.  At this rate I'm afraid I'll still be ordering Proactive from my granny chair at the old folk's home...along with a case load of Metamucil.  Where's the kitty litter facial scrub when I need it? Meow!

     I don't like the mornings I wake up feeling like Rip Van Winkle, a time when the world has passed me by and I've suddenly gone out of style. Thirty years gone by in the blink of an eye! It makes me feel older than dirt. The good news is that I'm not the only one going through it.
     The other day I complained to my mother that my right hip aches after my morning walk. "Bursitis!" she says, with a knowing grin. The kind of stuff that happens to OLD people. When I complain about the stiffness that occurs in my fingers late at night, she says, "Arthritis!", and recommends some medications. If you really want a reminder of how old you are, go with your kids to a party that has a group of mixed ages attending. Try clearing the dance floor with those spiffy dance moves you executed so well back in the 1980's. You'll learn real quick how old school you really are.
     Thinking on this, I've compiled a list of telltale signs that it's time to join AARP and take advantage of all the senior discounts it offers. If any of the following apply to you, you probably belong to the Jurassic era:

The calendar that was once filled with social engagements now has doctor appointments penciled in.

You're addicted to HGTV and the Food Network.

Your medicine cabinet looks like a Walgreens pharmacy.

Sunburns are out, hot flashes are in.

You need to apply deodorant more than once a day.

Spanx are in, thongs are out.

Naps are the highlight of your day.

It takes you 30 minutes to get out the door because you can't find your keys. Once you do, you 're still late because you keep checking the front door to make sure you locked it. Alzheimer's is not far away.

You used to stand in line for tickets to Guns N' Roses. Now you stand in line for a flu shot.

You're still using a VCR to record your favorite shows.

The music playing in elevators and in the background at the dentist's office is the same stuff you used to dance to in the 70's and 80's.

Hangovers hang on longer than one day.

You still use a phone book to look up phone numbers.

Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills and Viagra are part of your daily food group.


You know what triglycerides are and you monitor them carefully.

You need your contacts in to find your glasses and you need your glasses on to clean your contacts.

Everything in your wardrobe has adjustable waistbands.

You need Starbucks to keep you awake during the day and Lunesta to fall asleep at night.

You look in the mirror and realize you are JUST LIKE YOUR PARENTS!!!!