Menopausal Mother

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group postings, hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, nine courageous bloggers are welcoming you into their homes to catch a glimpse of what goes on behind closed doors.

     I'm sad to see that we only have a few more weeks of summer left. August has been an amazing month for us. We've had several birthdays in the family and all sorts of celebrations recently. We cracked open a bottle of champagne the day my very first article was featured on The Washington Post (WARNING: get your tissues out. You can read it HERE), something that has been on my bucket list for 2017, and then we celebrated Hub's birthday over the course of two weeks (because a Doyle celebration can never last just one day). Family gatherings have filled almost every weekend this summer, which makes me realize how fortunate I am to have all of my adult children living nearby. This has been one of our best summers yet---I can only hope that the fall will bring even more of the shenanigans that my family seems to love.


     As always, there were plenty of silly conversations going on during our gatherings, and I was lucky enough to catch a few.....


"I was just reminded of why I love being an empty nester."
"How so?"
"My youngest stopped by for the night. By the time he left, there were dirty dishes in the sink, a wet towel on the bathroom floor, a pizza box on the stove and an un-flushed toilet. Yeah, I don't miss the good ol' days of having a house full of teens...."

"I was just talking to a bluejay outside. Seriously, in bird language."
"Snow White has nothing on you."

"Cheese sticks are your remedy for everything. Hungry? Eat a cheese stick. Tired? Eat a cheese stick. Angry? Anxious? Got diarrhea? EAT A CHEESE STICK."

"I call my new fashion style, 'Anything With An Elastic Waistband'."

"I want to write a new blog post titled, '10 Reasons I'm A Good Wife.' Can you help me with it?"
"No, because I can't come up with of 10 reasons."

"Stop feeding all those little birds from our hotel balcony. If you don't stop, this place is going to look like something out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie. "

"I think I just swallowed the wrong pill. It was supposed to be my antidepressant, but I think it was one of the dog's pills."
"Well, at least now you don't have to worry about getting fleas."

"My skin is so bad from my landscaping job, the dermatologist will think I'm using sandpaper to erase my wrinkles."

"The medical form asks what my marital status is. Doesn't that depend on the day?'"

"You know you're getting old when you visit Disney World, a place that you've been going to for thirty years, only now you have to wear a knee brace to walk around the park, and you've become like Pavlov's dogs by needing to pee every time you see a restroom sign."

     Goodbye, summer. We'll be looking forward to more celebrations in the fall!

****WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week you can find my featured essays at The Mom Life Chronicles and The Washington Post.

     If you love chocolate as much as I do, then today's guest blog post by Saurabh Mittal is for you! I love good chocolate, even more so now that I know about its healthy benefits. Check out this informative article and indulge in some chocolate today!

                   8 Health Benefits of Chocolate for Women

     Every three to four months, I'm required by my physician to have blood work done to monitor my medications. I'm not squeamish about having blood drawn, but I am squeamish about the entire process of sitting in the waiting room for an extended period of time with complete strangers.

     After reading all my emails, social media updates, and watching numerous pug videos on my cell phone, boredom sets in. As the saying goes, "An idle brain is the devil's workshop"....my thoughts run the gamut from recalling a meal I ate twenty years ago to imagining how panda bears mate.

     I remember watching my mom at the kitchen sink when I was young----she talked to herself while doing the dishes. Now that I'm at that age, I find myself doing the exact same thing. Luckily, I'm not mumbling out in public....yet. But my brain never shuts up. And today, while sitting in the lab waiting room, my brain kept me fully entertained:

"Geez, this room is packed. I sacrificed two extra hours of sleep and set an early morning appointment just to avoid a long wait. Now there's only two seats left. One next to a geriatric man who looks older than Moses, and one next to a burly young man with a "Money Over Bitches" tattoo on his left shoulder. I suppose I could sit next to him and we could bond over our tattoos, but I don't think he'd appreciate the tiny squirrel inked on my thumb. Okay Moses, you win."

"I wish my stomach would stop growling. No one else in this room has eaten in the past twelve hours, either. I don't hear their stomachs rumbling. Probably because they're not used to eating like a bear out of hibernation, like I do. No coffee, either, unless they like to drink it black. Beasts."

"Who is this elderly lady that wandered in? Oh Lord, she's talking to herself. Something about a yellow tabby cat that she owned when she was five. No no no, don't sit next to me. Don't make eye contact. It's too early for this shit, and I haven't had my coffee yet. I can't people right now."

"Is that a picture of a cheeseburger on the magazine cover? For the love of all that is holy, why would this place have food network magazines scattered across the table when they know damn well we've all been fasting for the past twelve hours? We should form a mutiny and steal all the employee sack lunches from the refrigerator."

"Seriously, dude? No one wants to hear why you were unable to obtain a fecal sample for the lab this early in the morning. God, I need a cup of coffee...."

"Maybe I shouldn't have eaten steak and beets covered in butter last night for dinner. It might screw up my cholesterol numbers when the blood work comes back. If the numbers are too high, my doctor is going to think I eat entire sticks of butter for breakfast."


"There should be a little relaxation room here off to the side for people who have just completed their blood work. If the lab was smart, they'd sell flavored coffees and cinnamon buns. Or maybe even cheeseburgers, like that one on that food magazine cover. They'd make a fortune! Huh. Perhaps I'm onto something here..."

"I NEED TO PEE!"

"Oh great.....I've been sitting in this waiting room for thirty minutes, and now it's pouring outside. I can't drive home in that weather. I'll need a canoe just to navigate my way out of the parking lot. Forget that---it's raining harder. I'll need a yacht.

"Why the hell did that lady get called in before me? I was here first, and I had an appointment, too. And how can she look so good at this ungodly hour? Coiffed hair and perfect makeup. These people are lucky I didn't show up in my bathrobe and bunny slippers."

"Did the nurse just call my name? Yeah, it's MAR-SHA, not MAR-CEE-UH. That's fine---just find a vein quickly and gimme a cup to pee in. Hopefully those buttered beets won't show up in my test results."

 
     I survived my visit to the diagnostics lab and made it home safely in the rain without having to hitch a ride on Noah's ark. However, I'm still disappointed that there were no cinnamon rolls or warm coffee waiting for me after my blood work. Next time, I'm raiding the employees' fridge.

**WANT MORE MENO MAMA? I was recently featured on Perfection Pending. You can check it out here: http://www.perfectionpending.net/2017/07/27/10-reasons-why-not-toddler-trenches-anymore-kind-awesome/

     I have a special guest on the site today. Please welcome Lorraine Miano, author of The Magic Of Menopause: A Holistic Guide To Get Your Happy Back. Her new book is filled with informative tips and covers all aspects of the menopause experience. Lorraine is an Integrative Certified Health Coach who is very passionate about helping women who are dealing with menopause, and her book speaks to many of us in this phase of life.

     Below is an excerpt from her book. If could like to order a copy, you can fund the link below. Please welcome Lorraine to Meno Mama's site with lots of comment love!

So, you may ask, what is so magical about menopause?