Thursday, August 29, 2019

How To Prepare For A Hurricane (Part 2)

Now that Florida is sitting squarely in the cone of concern, I'm revisiting an older humor post I wrote about hurricane preparedness. Are YOU ready?

1. Turn on weather channel. Note lines for bottled water, gas, and plywood. Hit panic mode the minute you realize you are in the "cone of concern."

2. Ignoring the gallons of available tap water from your kitchen sink, map out strategic plan to find brand name water bottles in your neighborhood. Camp outside Walmart at 5:30 a.m. until the supply truck rolls in.

3. Tune into weather channel, chew your fingernails down to bloody stubs and tell everyone on social media how frightened you are.

4. Sit in line two hours for gas. Yell obscenities at the guy taking 30 minutes to fill up ten containers for his generator.

5. Stock up on eggs, liquor and bread. Return to store for a case of Twinkies and several bags of Cheetos.

6. Watch old videos online of other catastrophic hurricanes, then tell everyone on social media that you think you might die.

7. Realize you are low on batteries and spend four hours driving around town until you find the last package for 75$ sold by some shady guy at a roadside stand. Ignore the expiration date of 07/2010 on the box.

8. Tune into weather channel and realize you need more wood, more nails, and a helluva lot more toilet paper.

9. Update your will.

10. Wash ALL of your underwear in the event you are unable to do laundry. Consider buying adult diapers. 

11. Check The Weather Channel. Eat entire tube of Pringles.

12. Cover all windows with shutters and plywood. Velcro your three cats together so you don't lose them in the storm. Hunker down in the bathtub with your mattress and the velcroed cats.

13. Consume three sacks of chocolate chip cookies while you wait out the storm. 

14. Once the hurricane passes, prepare to live in the Dark Ages in 90-degree heat with no electricity, no hot water, and people who have not bathed in a week.

15. Celebrate your survival by polishing off the rest of the Twinkies.

Friday, August 23, 2019

Fly On The Wall During An Endless Summer

     Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group blog postings hosted by Karen of Baking In A Tornado. Today, five bloggers are graciously inviting you into their homes for a sneak peek at what goes on behind closed doors.

     The only thing the nosy fly has overheard in my home lately is arguments over the electric bill because I've been pushing the thermostat down to subzero temperatures. Hot flashes and a ninety-degree heat index don't mix, folks. Is summer ever going to end? Bring on the sweater jackets, the sexy boots, and pumpkin lattes. I'm ready for fall!

     In the meantime, I've had some pretty interesting conversations with my husband (that is, when we weren't arguing over who was the last one to use up all the ice cubes in the freezer for margaritas)....

"Did you take that new prescription for your sciatic nerve pain?"
"What prescription?"
"Did it work?"
"Did what work?"
"Did it get rid of your aches and pains?!?"
"What aches and pains?"
"Sounds like your pain is gone....along with your memory!!"

"Good God, woman, what did you put in that food? I can't stop pooping."
"That's not the question you should be asking. The REAL question is, why did you eat an entire quiche?"

"Throw out that under-the-counter paper towel holder. I want something simpler."
"But it's brand new!"
"And it's worth what---three dollars?"
"I'll sell it on Let Go."
"That's so dumb!"
"You never know---there might be a guy in Idaho who really needs it."
"What's he gonna do, pay $3 for the towel rack and another $15 on shipping?"
"Well, it is brand new...."

"I shouldn't have eaten lunch at that fast-food Mexican place. My colon is spitting out those chalupas."
"I'm sure it has nothing to do with the 'breakfast burrito surprise' you ate this morning."

"Doc gave me this special brace to wear on my hand and wrist at night."
"It looks like a spatula."
"Yep, I'll be flipping pancakes in my sleep."

"I need to use a tanning lotion on my body before we go on vacation, otherwise I'm going to look like a plucked chicken by the hotel pool."

"Did you have the tuna salad for lunch today?'
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"Because your breath smells like a fishery."

"Why is it that every time we go out, you don't want to take a purse, so you ask me to carry all of your stuff? You might as well say, 'Hey, can you carry this heavy bag of elephant dung in your cargo shorts? I'm sure it will fit.'"

     I thought that once I became an empty nester, I would run out of material for these Fly On The Wall posts. But I was wrong. My husband never disappoints.....

***Want more Meno Mama? This week you can find me on Funny-ish with some bathroom humor. You can read it HERE

Buzz around, see what you think, then click on these links for a peek into some other homes:

Baking In A Tornado        
Never Ever Give Up Hope   
Menopausal Mother           
Spatulas on Parade           
Go Mama O                          

Friday, August 16, 2019

The Myths Of Menopause

     Today on the blog I have my guest Dr. Sarah de la Torre, an OB/GYN in Seattle, WA. She's sharing her tips on how to cope with the symptoms of menopause and issues related to women's intimate health. Please welcome her to the blog with lots of comment love! 

MENOPAUSE MYTHS: Ob/Gyn Tips to Live Your Best Life at Every Age

Menopause has historically been one of those hush-hush topics often only discussed over a glass of wine with girlfriends. However, with 38 million women at or reaching menopause, that hardly seems fair. Why should such a huge proportion of our population have to feel ashamed about something as natural as menopause?

When you know what your symptoms are and how to deal with them, it becomes easier to see menopause for what it really is — an exciting time of personal growth, unparalleled freedom, and sky-high confidence. 

Dr. Sarah de la Torre, an OB/GYN in Seattle, WA dispels the most common menopause misunderstandings:

MYTH: It’s Going to Be Miserable + There’s Nothing You Can Do About It
Lifestyle changes are vital with eating a healthy diet, getting exercise, managing stress well and staying sexually active. Avoiding hot environments, beverages and spicy food can also help alleviate some of the common symptoms of hot flashes. For some women, alternative medicine such as plant estrogens, yoga, and hypnotherapy have been incredibly helpful in alleviating the symptoms of menopause. 

MYTH: It Only Happens to Women 50 +
The average age of menopause is 52 but many women begin to experience perimenopause 5-15 years leading up to the onset of actual menopause. This transition time between premenopause and menopause is when the symptoms can show up.  Once in menopause (after not having a period for one year), many women’s symptoms go away. 

MYTH: You No Longer Feel Sexy (or Want Sex)
When most people hear the word 'menopause', they think of that dreaded time in a woman's life where she goes from young and vivacious to old overnight. But that's just plain inaccurate. “Many women report feeling more vibrant than ever before during their menopausal years,” says Dr. de la Torre. After years of insecurity and self-consciousness, many menopausal women note that they finally begin to care less about what others think and most importantly, they start to put their own health and wellbeing in the spotlight. Dr. de la Torre recommends vFit, an at-home intimate wellness solution, to her patients to help improve sexual function, sensation, pleasure, intimacy, and confidence. 

About Dr. de la Torre: Sarah de la Torre received her medical degree from the University of New Mexico and completed her OB/GYN residency at the University of Washington. She has worked in a private practice since 2003 and is on the Clinical Faculty of the Department of OB-GYN at the University of Washington School of Medicine. Dr. de la Torre became Board certified with the American Board of Obstetrics & Gynecology in 2005.

About vFit: vFit is a quick, comfortable, no downtime solution for a woman’s most intimate wellness – and addresses them in the privacy of home. Designed with postpartum, perimenopausal and postmenopausal women in mind, vFit is the world's first non-invasive, hormone-free intimate wellness solution incorporating a patented combination of red light (LED), gentle heat, and sonic technology for improved wellness and confidence. 

CONTACT: KELZ PR – - to be connected with Dr. de la Torre for more tips on how to cope with menopause and interviews on women’s intimate health.
Sarah de la Torre, M.D., F.A.C.O.G., N.A.M.S. 

Wednesday, August 14, 2019

Cool Clothes For Hot Women

     One of the worst symptoms of menopause, at least for me, is hot flashes. They happen out of the blue, sometimes when I've just applied my makeup or when I'm at a party enjoyimg the company, when suddenly, I feel as if someone turned the thermostat up to 109. Within seconds, I am drenched in sweat. My makeup smears, rivulets of sweat run down my body, and my clothes stick to me. It's annoying and very embarrassing!

     Fifty One Apparel has the solution for this uncomfortable symptom of menopause---clothing made with climate control technology! Below you will find more info on this amazing clothing line!


Fifty One Apparel has been developed from a belief that there is a need for a clothing range that caters to women suffering from symptoms during menopause. Hot flushes can make women uncomfortable, self-conscious and embarrassed and night sweats can cause disrupted sleep, which leads to lack of concentration, energy, and motivation. This combined, can cause low self-esteem, confidence, and mood.
Our unique clothing line ensures we help eliminate these symptoms by providing comfortable, stylish and functional clothing.   Our climate control technology "Outlast" ensures heat is taken away from the body and stored to be released back when the body begins to cool down, thus keeping you cool and dry, day and night, leaving you feeling comfortable, confident and happy.
We created our clothing line with you in mind. We understand the busy lifestyles we have during this stage of our lives, with families, careers and social life, so not only are our clothes intelligent at keeping you comfortable and dry, but they are also practical. You can wear our collection anywhere, anytime. Perfect for the gym, workplace, day out, a night away, loungewear or nightwear. 

 Our Story……….
We are two friends, with families, fast approaching the age of natural changes in women - Menopause. We have worked in retail and sales for 50 years (combined) and are using our expertise in this field to make a difference to women going through menopause.
Our light bulb moment and journey to creating Fifty One Apparel started off quite innocently in Iceland, when a friend suffering from hot flushes, stripped down to just a tee shirt and jeans in the arctic freeze, feeling hot, sticky and irritable.  After seeing her plight it very quickly dawned on us that there really wasn’t the right sort of understanding, or clothing, available that was comfortable, stylish and helpful during hot flushes. Understanding that this symptom can last for years, we did not want women to suffer.
So we set about producing Fifty One Apparel, a unique collection of clothing that helps regulate body temperature for women during menopause. 
 Our mission
It is our mission and the utmost priority to create a top-quality product that actually makes a difference.
Using technology which was originally developed for astronauts with NASA, we have sourced fabric that is high quality and highly effective in its purpose. 
Our fabric has the ability to regulate body temperature by detecting a rise or dip in body temperature and accordingly releases or traps heat within its fabrics until it is needed.

In using cellulosic yarn, as opposed to the polyester yarns which wick away moisture, it allows for a natural handle and versatile styling for a multi-function use. We do not dictate how to wear our clothes, the choice is yours we simply hope you love wearing them.

Friday, August 2, 2019

A Day In The Life Of A Women's Rest Stop Bathroom Stall On Interstate 95

     I dread using public restrooms on the interstate during a long road trip, but sometimes it can't be helped, especially if I'm traveling with a large iced coffee from Dunkin's. Whenever my husband and I make a pit stop I try to get in and out as quickly as possible because I never know exactly what I'll find behind the stall doors.

     The other day when I was on my way back from a mini-vacation in Palm Beach, I needed to make a potty stop. The restroom was actually quite clean, but it got me thinking....what sort of things does a bathroom stall witness in the course of a day? (Yeah, I know, I think about strange things sometimes while I'm using the bathroom.) I imagine the women's restrooms on the interstate have seen it ALL. What would their daily itinerary look like? If only the stalls could talk....

6:00 a.m. Janitor check-in time: Ahhhhhhh smell that? Bleach! Finally, I've been cleared of the olfactory sorrow left from that busload of teenagers heading back home after a day at Walt Disney World. Let's see if today's travelers do a better job at keeping me from smelling like a fisherman's wharf.

7:32 a.m. Prepare for women who don't read the disposal sign for feminine products: Seriously, lady? Clearly, you didn't read the sign above the metal receptacle where there's already a collection of mummified tampons waiting to be tossed. What are you trying to do, choke me?

9:01 a.m. Poop alert: Uh-oh, she has her headphones on. That means she brought her poop playlist. She's gonna be here for a while.

10:45 a.m. Send out the first daily reminder.:Wash your hands. WASH YOUR HANDS!

11:13 a.m. Tinkle alert: Don't blame me if the seat is wet. That last tinkler hovered above me and sprayed like a cat. You might want to wash your backside with some hand sanitizer when you're done.

12:00 p.m. Lunch break: I don't know what you're smoking but I'd love a hit.

1:01 p.m. 15-minute group therapy: Well, Carol, I don't know who Brad was texting while you were scanning the road for the Fort Pierce exit, but I'm pretty sure Kandy with a "K" is NOT his cousin. Cry and talk a little louder on your cell so the rest of the women waiting in line to use this stall know what you did last night at the Motel 6.

1:15 p.m. Play Potty roulette: What's behind stall door number one, two or three? Take your pick---we're all filthy!

2:04 p.m. Clean up in stall #2: Holy crap, WHAT IS THAT SMELL?? Call the plumber---we have a floater!

3:00 p.m. Naptime: I really look forward to this quiet time in the stall, just before rush hour hits. Shout out to all the ladies with Paruresis. This hour belongs to you, my bladder-shy friends!

5:36 p.m. Send out a second daily reminder: Flush the toilet. FLUSH THE TOILET!

6:10 p.m. Art class: That's a lovely drawing of the male anatomy but my walls are not designed to be your personal canvas. Also, I don't think Kevin would appreciate your SMALL drawing.

7:22 p.m. Pray to the patron saint of air fresheners: The senior citizens' bus just rolled in from the bingo tournament in Vero Beach. Brace yourselves; flatulence is coming.

10:38 p.m. Toilet paper refill time: Honey, you're gonna need a LOT more paper for that.

1:00 a.m. Puke alert: That's okay, I got you, girl. I'm guessing too many Jager Bombs? Here's some advice: Pop two aspirin, chug a bottle of Gatorade and eat a bag of greasy potato chips. You'll feel good as gold in the morning, and no one will ever know you spent your Friday night praying to the porcelain god.

2:44 a.m. Border run: Seriously, you had to have Taco Bell's Steak Rattlesnake Fries?

2:45 a.m. Flush?

2:46 a.m. Flush again: Hello??


4:30 a.m. Contemplate life's greatest mystery: Why does corn look the same coming out as it does going in?

6:00 a.m. Janitor clock-in: I'm so happy to see you! I've had a crappy 24 hours, dude. Whoa, another busload of teenagers? They're the miscreants of bathroom etiquette! Let's just slap a "BIOHAZARDOUS MATERIALS INSIDE" sign on my stall door and call it a day...






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