Menopausal Mother

 
   In honor of Halloween, I'm sharing one of my favorite posts written in 2013. Meno Mama has lots of new followers who may have missed this blog when it was originally posted, so I thought it would be a good idea to get your halloween festivities off to a great start. Enjoy!


     We survived the Y2K "computer crash" on December 31, 1999, and we surpassed the deadline of the Mayan calendar. But what about a zombie apocalypse?
 
      I live in Florida, home of the most notorious flesh-eating zombie stories of 2012. Zombie defense plans have been all the rage since The Walking Dead first aired on television, and after watching enough episodes, I think I'm prepared to do battle. This folks, is how I plan to survive a zombie apocalypse:

1.  First, disguise myself as a zombie to fit in with the rotting rogues. I will do this by refraining from bathing for weeks, rolling in garbage and raw sewage, shredding my clothes, tossing out my toothbrush and skipping my daily naps for awhile. Of course at this point, none of my fellow humans will want to be downwind of me, either.

2.  Hone my growling, moaning and bloody slobbering skills.

3.  Practice precision slicing of cantaloupes with a large machete.

4.  Stick wood planks down my pants in an effort to walk stiff-legged.

5.  Stockpile toilet paper, chipped beef, canned corn, beans and Little Debbie Cakes to eat secretly in my attic while the zombies are outside gnawing on human chicken wings.

6.  Build a mote around my house and fill it with zombie-eating alligators. Or perhaps piranhas would be more effective since they don't leave anything behind. The vultures in my special, ugly bird aviary will be allowed out each morning to eat the zombie leftovers. If they're too full to finish the gruesome banquet, I can always haul out the wood chipper/shredder to finish the job.

7.  Blast Judy Collins, Bette Midler and Barry Manilow songs from loud speakers to deter the zombies and make their brains explode.

8.  Douse myself in a perfume repellent known as "Eau De Zombie Poop".

9.  Trap the zombies by digging big holes in my yard and camouflaging them with leaves and branches. Once the zombies fall into the trap, I'll torch their asses.

10.  Place a large banner across my home that reads: "1st Annual Zombie Barbecue. If You're Human, They Will Come".  Then I'll sit behind the machine gun turrets on my roof and wait....


     As I go through my check list in preparation for the apocalypse, I realize all that is left is for me to slip into my special zombie gear.

     I'm ready for battle. Are you?


***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? Check out my NEW blog post, "The Secret To A Successful Marriage" featured on Scary Mommy. You can read it here: http://www.scarymommy.com/the-secret-to-a-successful-marriage/   I also had a post featured on Better After Fifty this week---"The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause" which you can read here: http://betterafter50.com/2015/10/the-seven-dwarfs-of-menopause/

    Welcome to another edition of Fly On The Wall group postings hosted by Karen of  Baking In A Tornado. Today, 14 bloggers are inviting you into their homes to catch a glimpse of their life if you were a fly on the wall.

     The first two weeks of October rocked! National Geographic came to our house to film a follow-up episode about my pet chinchillas. The crew was delightful and made us feel very comfortable. If you'd like to see the original television program with Hubs in action at the exotic vet pet's office, check out Nat Geo Wild if you have cable On Demand. The name of the episode was "Chinchillin' Like a Villain." Then you can click on this website to watch the follow-up video they filmed at our home: http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/wild/dr-ks-exotic-animal-er/videos/animal-update-kirby-the-chinchilla/ What a blast!

     The other exciting thing that happened this month was that I got to meet my idol, NY Times Best Selling Author Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess). Folks, she is unbelievable funny and sweet! I was thrilled to get a signed copy of her recent book.

     After all the excitement died down, things were pretty quiet around my house unless you count coughing, sneezing and nose blowing as rigorous activity. Yes, the dreaded head cold from hell invaded our home and is still lingering here like the ghost from Christmas past. My only reprieve from this miserable ordeal was the birthday I celebrated last week. It was great having my family around and of course, the perfect opportunity to pick up some weird tidbits of conversation from them to include in my FOW blog post!

"I just accidentally squirted nose spray into my eyes, thinking it was my eyes drops. At least my eyes will breathe better now. "

"If you eat that chunky bleu cheese dressing, it's going to be chunky on your salad AND chunky on you thighs."

"If you let me sleep in a little later in the mornings, I promise your world will be a better place."

"It's a good thing snot isn't fattening because I've been swallowing a ton of it with this head cold. "
"That's 'snot' funny..."


"I need a new mirror. This one makes me look fat."

"If I was a pigeon, I know EXACTLY who I would poop on."

"I'm not sleeping in the same bed with you tonight. Your snoring is so loud that it shakes the bed. Last night it registered 4.3 on the Richter Scale. "

"I'm great at multitasking. I can start three diets at once while simultaneously snarfing down a bag of Hershey's Kisses."

"It never fails that when I'm having a great hair and makeup day, I don't run into anyone I know. But the days I pop over to the grocery store in my pajama jeans, a stained t-shirt and ratty hair, I run into my entire graduating class in the liquor aisle."

"If parents were smart, they'd just put food dispensers in their teenager's rooms and call it a day."

"My granddaughter spent the night last night. This morning she decided to teach me the entire alphabet by naming three things for each letter. All this before coffee. I forgot how much 3 yr. olds chatter."

"I was really excited to receive tickets in the mail for a complimentary lunch until I saw that it was for a pre-planning seminar held at a funeral and cremation center."



     Despite being sick, my family is still a great source of entertainment. Where else can I laugh so hard that I cough, sneeze, and pee in my pants simultaneously?

***WANT MORE MENO MAMA? This week I was featured on BLUNTmoms with my post, FIVE STAGES OF A HEAD COLD. You can read it here: http://www.bluntmoms.com/five-stages-head-cold/

 
   I'm always looking for new and innovative ways to combat the symptoms of menopause, especially when it comes to hot flashes and night sweats. There is nothing worse than waking up in the middle of the night to damp sheets clinging to my skin.

     I recently spotted an ad from Cool-jams about their special sleepwear that has the ability to keep the body cool and dry when it's hot. This certainly got my attention, and I contacted the company immediately for more information. They offered to send me a free pair of pajamas in exchange for an honest review of their product, and I happily agreed.

     A little background history on Cool-jams:

     Cool-jams fabric was originally developed for the Canadian armed forces. The military had requested development of a fabric that would look and feel like cotton, but it also needed to have wicking ability, temperature regulation, quick drying ability, Anti Microbial longevity and effectiveness, Anti-pilling, washability and wearability. Today, this ground-breaking fabric is only available through Cool-jams Sleepwear, which was recently selected as one of the top innovative sleepwear companies in the United States by Apparel Magazine.

     The Science Behind Cool-jams Wicking Sleepwear:

     Cool-jams fabric is a specially designed Poly Microfiber that has been engineered to feel like soft cotton but has all the attributes associated with the fastest wicking and drying material in the world. The fabric, with its amazing "cotton-like" comfort and feel, is integrated with  Bact-Out®  (an antimicrobial agent that offers odor and fiber degradation resistance) and delivers unparalleled performance in moisture management. It lasts 6 times longer than cotton fabric, maintains color sharpness with minimal fade, and is a great alternative to cotton pajamas. 


     How it works:

     The unique technology behind Cool-jams Wicking Sleepwear involves fine fibers which are made into long strand fibers known as filaments. Each breathable, microfiber filament is less than 1 decitex in measure, and are tinier than a strand of human hair. The five to 8 filaments that are used have slightly different performance capabilities, and are twisted together to form a fine thread. Due to the unique blend of filaments and their configuration within the thread, this creates a greater surface area for moisture to travel along the thread. These threads are then knitted together in a specific pattern, which increases the speed of moisture movement through the material (also known as the Moisture Transference System).

     The Moisture Transference System is a three step process. First, as the body perspires, moisture is transferred through the material from the skin to the outer layer of clothing, a process known as moisture absorption or wicking.  Secondly, the moisture spreads over the surface area (moisture transport or disbursement). The third step is the disbursement process, which allows the outer air to evaporate the moisture (moisture drying or evaporation). As moisture is pulled away from the body, it carries with it the body’s built-up heat, helping to regulate body temperature. This also minimizes excessive temperature drops in the body during the cool down period after intense physical activity. The Moisture Transference System technology regulates the body heat while minimizing the energy used to keep the body cool and comfortable.
    
     In short, Cool-jams fabrics can be constructed to reduce or accelerate air flow and have the ability to absorb moisture off the body to its outer surface. The fabric disperses moisture over larger areas in record time for faster drying and optimal comfort.


     My Experience:

     I ordered the Sonya Snap Front Nightshirt from Cool-jams and received it within a few days of placing the order. The pajamas are attractive and very soft to the touch. I loved sleeping in them---they were comfortable and definitely kept the dampness away. The material is lightweight, quick drying and wrinkle resistant, which makes it perfect for travel. Another plus I discovered is that the fabric does not shrink, fade or pill after multiple washings, and I enjoyed sleeping in pajamas that stayed fresh and odor free. I can see why many of the Cool-jam customers refer to the sleepwear as "menopause pajamas" because they really do draw the heat and moisture of night sweats away from the body. If you're tossing and turning at night or waking up sticky with perspiration, you need to order a set of these pajamas right away for a good night's rest!

     For more information, please visit the following links and enter to win a $50 sleepwear gift certificate to use on their website. They will pick a random winner two weeks after this blog has been posted.
   
***Cool-jams now also offers temperature regulating bedding, sheets, comforters , pillows and mattress pads. Visit Cool-jams at www.cool-jams.com to learn more about their products.***

    Most people are familiar with the "Five Stages Of Grief" made popular by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in the early 70's. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance are all part of the grieving process.

     While battling a nasty head cold this past week, I realized that these five stages are applicable to what I'm feeling as I trudge through my coughing-sniffling-sneezing phase. I sound like a barking seal and have been holed up in my house for days because the cough is as loud as an air raid siren. No one needs to see me in my ratty bathrobe that has pockets bulging with used tissues. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear this is how a zombie apocalypse begins.

     I've also been taking that "feed a cold, starve a fever" saying way too far. I don't have a fever, so I feel justified in stuffing my miserable, aching self with a stack of pancakes and a warm bowl of mac & cheese. There's a reason these gastronomic pleasures are called "comfort foods." This is also why I'm living in my bathrobe lately….because chances are my jeans won't fit.

     If you've already been slammed with this season's new illnesses, I'm sure you'll relate to these five stages of a head cold:

DENIAL:  "I don't have a cold. It's just my allergies acting up. And the only reason my body aches is because I overdid it at the gym yesterday. There's no way I'm getting sick right now---only two days before my vacation begins. I'll just drink a gallon of orange juice, pop some throat lozenges , and go to bed early. I'm sure I'll be fine in the morning."

ANGER: "Who the hell gave me this cold?!? No one else in my family has been sick. I'll bet it was that guy hacking up a lung behind me in the 10-Items-Or-Less line at the grocery store. This is all his fault. How dare he set foot in public. He may have started a flu pandemic! If this coughing gets any worse, I'm going to put myself in an isolation tank for two weeks. At least it will get me out of doing housework for awhile. I'm far too weak to push a vacuum."

BARGAINING:  "Dear God, if you wipe away these cold symptoms right now, I promise to stop cursing so much at bad drivers. I'll even build a habitat for all the ferrel cats in the neighborhood. Better yet, I'll make dentures for all the elderly crocodiles living in the Everglades. I promise to do anything you ask, if you just make this head cold disappear."

DEPRESSION: "10 days and I still can't get out of bed. According to Web MD, I have a rare disease that comes from exposure to the dust on a rhino's horn. Although I have not been to a zoo in five years and as far as I know, no one on the block has a rhino stashed in their backyard. I'm exhausted and drowning in nasal spray. My gawd, I'm going to die right here in my recliner….in my ratty bathrobe, with two Vick's Inhalers shoved up my nostrils. If I die tonight, the mortician won't need to embalm me because I'll have enough cold medicine in my system to keep my body preserved for years."

ACCEPTANCE: "Okay, I'm not dying, even though I look and sound like I have the Black Plague. I just need to adjust to breathing out of my mouth and having a head that feels like it has been filled with sand bags. At this point, I'd be willing to convert to Scientology if it meant having one phlegm-free day.

     Now that I've been through the five stages of a head cold, I've forgiven the stranger who shared his germs with me at the grocery store, bargained my way into a larger size pair of jeans and decided that there will be no more trips to the rhino exhibit at the zoo.

     I'm pleased to announce that last summer,  Booktrope picked up my book "Who Stole My Spandex?" for publication of the second printing, to be released on November 17th! Today I'm very excited to share with you the NEW cover design.

     I have the a wonderful team at the publishing house, and their creative genius has taken my Spandex book to the next level. BIG thanks to Michelle Fairbanks from the Booktrope design team for creating this awesome cover, and another BIG THANKS to my dear friend Linda Roy who came up with the fabulous subtitle. She's one of the funniest writers out there, and I knew I could count on her to come up with something brilliant for my book.

     If you want to give the gift of laughter to friends and family members this holiday season, please consider ordering your copy of "Who Stole My Spandex?" from Amazon on November 17th. It would make a GREAT Christmas gift!

    Today I am beyond thrilled to introduce you to a dear friend of mine who also happens to be an amazing writer. I stumbled across Kim Sisto-Robinson's blog, "My Inner Chick", about a year ago and was immediately drawn in by both her humor and her poignant posts. We share a common grief---the loss of our sisters, which makes me feel even closer to Kim because no one understands that kind of loss until they've experienced it first hand.

     I also love Kim's funny outlook on aging, and I wanted to share her unique sense of humor here with you, dear readers. Please welcome her to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!


          12 WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING EFFING OLDER

   
     Smart teenagers know that the way to a parent's heart is through obedience, love and respect for the people who raised them (plus offering to do a few loads of laundry will go a long way). But smarter teens know when to keep their mouths shut, even though chances are they disagree with most of what their parents tell them. They have their own agendas, but the clever ones know how to distract their parents long enough to cloud their judgment. They'll push the limits to borrow the family car or extend a curfew, all the while swearing that they'll be careful.

      As parents, we want to trust our little beastlings, so we give them the benefit of the doubt. But sometimes it backfires…..

1. I'll co-sign on their student loans because I know they'll never be late on a payment.  
    Yes they will. And when it happens, you'll be inundated with robo calls from collection agencies          because your college-age teen chose to buy the latest iPhone, stereo system, or big screen TV rather than make a monthly loan payment.

2. Sure, my kids will help me mow the lawn this weekend, fold the laundry and dust all 90 squirrel figurines in my curio cabinet. 
     For real? What planet are you from? First off, no teen wakes before noon. After that, you'll be lucky if they brush their teeth and put on deodorant. In other words, you'll be cleaning out the A/C grate and weeding the garden by yourself.

3. My kids won't remember family night at the sports bar/restaurant when I had one too many beers. 
       Yes. Yes they will. And they will remind you until your 80th birthday about the time you entered a punching bag contest after nine beers and the punching bag won. Nor will they let you forget what you looked like after you swung, missed the bag, and ended up on the floor curled up like a cocktail shrimp.

4. My teen just got his driver's license. He'll do fine since I taught him how to be a consciencious driver and to always obey the speed limit.  
     What you don't know won't hurt you….until your child hands you a $150 speeding ticket from going 65 in a 25 mile-per-hour school zone. This same teen still believes that his 1991 Dodge Caravan can outrun a 2015 Mustang GT.

5. Of course my kids know better than to break their curfew. 
     Uh-huh. That's why they leave their bedroom window unlocked and oil the hinges on the front door with W-40 while you're sound asleep in Never Never Land.

6. I know my kids enjoy spending time with the family, especially when it's Monopoly night.
     Wrong. They would rather scrub grout from their shower tile or babysit the neighbor's toddler who has a bad case of diarrhea than spend an evening with dear old BORING mom and dad.

7. Their first love will be the school valedictorian who has a full scholarship to an ivy league school where they'll earn their doctorate in nuerosurgery. 
      Dream on. Every teen goes through their "I-wanna-bad boy/bad girl-phase." Grit your teeth and gnaw on a leather strap until they outgrow this nail-biting phase of life.

8. I don't need to spend more than $200 a week on groceries for a family of four. 
     There's a little known fact that teens, especially boys, consume a gallon of milk a day washed down with an entire package of cookies and chips. You might as well buy a few chickens while you're shopping because you can never have enough eggs in the house when there are one or more teenagers living under the same roof.

9. My teen hates the smell of cigarette smoke and the taste of alcohol, plus she hates taking any form of medication. Chances are she'll never drink, smoke, or try drugs.
     Sadly, this is wrong. Chances are your teen WILL try one or all of these things at some point because peer pressure is mightier than you can imagine. Brace yourself for a bumpy ride…"Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore."
   
10. My kids will never get a tattoo or body piercing. 
     You wanna make a bet? The good news is that some of those things will be in areas on their body that you will never see, so don't worry about it. If you can't see it, it doesn't exist, right?
   
     The only lie you're allowed to believe is the one that really isn't a lie, even though at the time (while raising teens) it might feel like one. They love you. They really do. And one day when they're old enough to understand all that you've done for them, they'll appreciate you.

     But don't forget to hide the WD-40, just in case….