Menopausal Mother

1.  You tell a student at school that you like her lacy, black Madonna gloves–and she retorts,  “Who is Madonna,  Mrs. Robinson?   ((SIGH))

 2.  You notice a hot pair of jeans you had worn in high school at The Goodwill and they’re in the Halloween section.  (Seriously, dudes?)

 3.  A handsome young hunk with piercing blue eyes smiles at you at the grocery store.(Yeah, you still have it, Kim).  “Hey,  Mrs. Robinson,  remember me?   You were one of my teachers in Kindergarten.  ((Double Sigh)).

 4.  You’re watching The Hangover.  It comes to the part where the guy finds the tiger in the bathroom.  You laugh so hard,  you need to excuse yourself to change your Victoria Secret underwear.  (WTF?)

5.  You’re forced to click the son-of-a-bitching box at the clinic, which says, 45-55 age group.  ( but you want to click,  it’s none of your bloody business, idiot! asshole ).

6.   Your supervisor is 25 years old and calls you mom.  (Life isn’t fair).

 7.   In the beginning,  you thought 50 Shades of Gray was a paint color at Menards.

8.   You can’t remember your “real” hair color.   ( but you feel deeply blonde).

9.   At your last reunion,  you turn to your girlfriends, exclaiming,  “I think we’re at the wrong place.  These old people look like our teachers!”

10.  You might say, yes, yes, yes to another baby,  but your uterus says,  no, no, no!

11.   Partying now means:  Staying home with a nice bottle of Merlot, warm blankets, & Orange is the New Black.  (Don’t you just LOoooooVE Crazy Eyes?)

12.  Your imperfections are (Finally) transforming into beautiful,  dynamic, meaningful segments of the real “You.”

Now,  this is the best part!

 —Darling,  Reader,   what are your thoughts about growing older?  Give me some insight into your experience.

* You worry about the amount of candles on your birthday cake and keep a fire extinguisher close by, just in case.

* The vitamin store down the street has become your one-stop-shop, and you find yourself wishing they had a 24 hour drive-thru when you're constipated and in need of some heavy duty fiber pills at 1:00 a.m.

* You pop Tums like candy after every meal and keep an extra bottle on your nightstand. 

* If you're a woman, you start tucking your boobs into your waistband. If you're a man, you worry that you might trip over your testicles if they drop any closer to your ankles. 

* You recognize all the songs on the easy listening radio station and sing along with each one. 

* Despite hating it as a kid, prune juice tastes pretty good now.

* You consider yourself lucky if you remember where you left your car in the Target parking lot.

* It takes a moment to straighten up your spine once you push yourself off the couch. 

* You pay special attention to infomercials advertising the "Girth Girdle", "Pound Around Pantyhose" and the "Belly Buster." 

* You're squinting at road signs and switching all of your 40 watt light bulbs for 60's, especially the ones above the bathroom mirror.  

* You drag the heating pad out of the linen closet more than once a week.

* Your pills and supplements no longer fit in an ordinary pill box, so you're forced to use a large shoe box instead.

* You own more than one pair of Spanx.

* Your refrigerator is stocked with probiotic yogurt to regulate your digestive system and to prevent a bowel blow-out in public.

* You hate to miss an episode of Dr. Oz and plan your schedule around his daily show.

* Your days of sunbathing are long gone but the leopard spots on your face, arms and legs are a constant reminder of all the times you forgot to wear sunscreen.

* Your butt is beginning to droop like two wet sandbags.

* While at work, you long for your kindergarten days when napping after lunch was encouraged.

* You spend a small fortune on teeth whitening strips to counteract your increased consumption of coffee and red wine.

* You're either sweating or freezing all the time. The weather is no longer your friend, and neither is the thermostat.

     No need to worry, my forty-something friends. Pour yourself another prune juice cocktail and embrace your inner leopard!