Menopausal Mother

     Before going through "the change of life", I was a very tolerant person. But somewhere between screaming like a wild Banshee in the delivery room to my first hot flash, I became less tolerant. It didn't happen all at once, but gradually, like the leaves in New England; I went from vibrant green to crusty brown. In my youth, I never understood the impatience and general crankiness of elderly people. Now that I am a card carrying AARP member, I have a license to be cantankerous. It doesn't take much to spark my temper or tap dance on my last, sane nerve. For instance:
     It never used to bother me when people bought the newest gadget on the market. Back in the dinosaur days, that included microwaves, cordless phones and cassette tape players. Today, everyone HAS to own the latest technological wonder: iPhone, iPad....iBidet and i-Don't-Care.
     Another thing that bothers the hell out of me? People who hide behind their religion to excuse their repugnant behavior. These people interpret God's word in a language that could only be translated on Mars. If you're going to talk the talk, you'd better be prepared to walk the walk. And while you're at it, don't judge me until you've slipped on a pair of my well-worn shoes and walked a few miles in them.
     I have also become increasingly jealous annoyed by people who feel compelled to update me daily on their latest exercise regimen/diet plan. I'm standing in line at the bakery and they're all like, "Wow, I just lost 5 pounds!" and I'm thinking, "Butter cream or chocolate mocha frosting on those cupcakes?"
     And what's up with the fickle bladder in middle age? I used to be like a camel that could store fluids for days...but now this camel needs a colostomy bag.
     I don't have time for people with Type A personalities. When I was younger, I was accused of being one; I admired those powerful, aggressive people fighting for a cause. Now their passion exhausts me and I just don't have patience for their soapbox drama. I'd rather be playing corn hole with a band of merry meerkats.
     When I'm feeling particularly grumpy, the last thing I want to hear is how great your expensive, African safari was, how awesome your kid is at underwater basket weaving and how excited you are for buying that lucky, five million dollar lottery ticket. Unless you're feeling charitable enough to pay off my mortgage, I really don't want to know how the planets aligned perfectly for you while I'm stuck in the crossfire of a meteor shower.
     What disturbs me more than anything is menopausal fatigue. I used to be like the Energizer Bunny. I could simultaneously flip a pancake, nurse a baby, donate $100 to the penguin tuxedo fund and practice my Irish Riverdancing steps, all within five minutes. Now I'm yawning at 10:30 a.m. (and this is after two cups of coffee strong enough to invigorate the Walking Dead). All I want to do is hibernate under a quilt until somebody rings the dinner bell. I WAKE FOR STEAK!
     I've hit my 50's like the last person in a bounce house stuck in the corner crack with no one there to pull me out. But never fear, Meno Mama will persevere.

     Once again I am thrilled (and amazed!) to be awarded some very special honors from my friends in the blogging community. Nicer still is the fact that this gives me the opportunity to share the love with some newer, well-deserving bloggers in our ever-expanding community of writers. The blogs I have decided to pass the torch down to were chosen for their diversity, creativity and spunk. Each award comes with a set of rules and questions. I decided to have some fun with it and bend the rules a little...just because I can.
     Each award requests that I mention 7-11 "fun facts" about myself. Multiply that times 6 different awards and you will know waaaay too much about me. And besides, there aren't THAT many fun things about me anyway...so rather than bore you to tears reading this stuff (when you could be watching an episode of Swamp People), I decided to condense the facts into a tidy package of 12.

EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MENOPAUSAL MAMA:

*When I was in grade school, I had a mixed dominance eye problem and had to wear a patch over my eye for a year. I learned quickly how cruel some children could be. Perhaps if I'd had a peg leg and a parrot on my shoulder, it wouldn't have been so bad. At the very least I could have been hired out as Captain Jack's sidekick at kiddie birthday parties.

*I run a side job selling my homemade rum cakes to the public. These cakes are known to make people drunk after one bite. Just don't hold a lighter up near their mouth after they have eaten some.

*The most difficult thing I have ever written was my father's eulogy...and my sister's 17 months later.


*I have two-tone hair; blonde on top and black underneath. This is due to a mid-life identity crisis: Malibu Beach Barbie meets Elvira.

*I played the flute and piccolo in my high school marching band. If I knew then what I know now, I would have smuggled a flask of vodka in my band uniform hat.

*If I won the lottery and decided to buy a second home in the U.S., it would be in Cody, Wyoming.

*I broke both bones in my left arm playing frisbee with a LARGE jazz dancer on the front lawn of my college dorm freshman year. Going through surgery and wearing a cast for 3 months was the best thing that ever happened to me because it pulled me out of my shell and jump-started my social life. Who knew male nurses could be so HOT???

*I make a damn good prickly pear margarita.

*While most women collect shoes, I hoard nail polish.

*Most days I want to smash my bathroom scale the way rock stars smash their guitars on stage.

*I chew my cuticles when I am bored, hungry or anxious. On a bad day, my fingers look like they've been gnawed on by rabid gerbils.

*I am allergic to Jaegermeister. It makes me break out in hives and turns my tongue black. Don't even THINK about slipping that shit in my drink at a party for entertainment purposes.


     The first award I received is the Laine Blogger Award thanks to Josie @ http://alia-cartwright.blogspot.com. This award focuses on beauty, so my male readers may want to go grab a beer from the fridge and skip down to award #2.
   
RULES:

Answer 5 questions about yourself (same ones listed here)
Add award logo in your post and thank the person who gave it to you---link back to them as well
Pass it on to 5 other bloggers and notify them on their blog that they won

5 QUESTIONS/ANSWERS:

1. What is your current beauty obsession? Facial creams. Yeah, I look like the Loch Ness Monster most nights when I climb into bed.
2. What is the ONE beauty item you wished you owned? Anything that vibrates and makes me glow.
3. What is your favorite topic to read about? Menopause, mid-life mishaps and the mating cycle of squirrels.
4. What inspired you to become a blogger? Writing is my second favorite outlet after drinking wine.
5. What nail polish are you wearing right now? Black on my fingernails to match my goth, menopausal alter ego. Cheery red on my toenails just to throw you off. I like to keep people guessing.

5 BEAUTIFUL BLOGGERS NOMINATED FOR THE AWARD:

rosdianalittleworld.blogspot.com
stylehighstreet.com
www.naturallycurlykinky.com
shortylegsbeauty.blogspot.com
www.makeupobsessedmom.com

     My second award is the Versatile Blog Award courtesy of Ashley @ http://sorrykid.blogspot.com. I also received this award quite some time ago from several other bloggers but was negligent in posting a blog about it and missed following the rules. Bad, bad Meno Mama!! Thank you also for this award from: www.the rambling couch potato, quirky grandmother.blogspot.com, and shortylegsbeauty.com.

RULES:

Add award logo to your blog post and thank the person who nominated you & link back to them
List 7 random facts about yourself (already did this)
Pass award along to 7 other bloggers
Inform each nominee about the award by posting on their blog site comment section

     Since this award was granted to me 4 times in the past few months, I think I can pass it down to 7 bloggers from each time for being nominated, which comes to a total of 28 bloggers. Wow!

28 VERSATILE BLOGGERS

www.pullmyfunnybone.com
superearthling.com
slusworld.blogspot.com
myownwritersnook.blogspot.com
motherof9.blogspot.com
www.natalieblair.net
distinctlym.blogspot.com
www.naptimereview.com
www.mail4rosey.com
mydailyjenn-ism.blogspot.com
www.peanutlayne.com
crazy-mama-drama.blogspot.com
fireandrabbits.com
sooperdad.blogspot.com
www.wantadumpsterbaby.com
www.therealhousewifeofsantee.com
outofboundswithjay.blogspot.com
lifestooshorttoplaypossum.wordpress.com
www.firsttimemomanddad.com
mybrainonkids.net
itsadomelife.com
OneCreativeProcrastinatingGal.blogspot.com
quirkychrissy.com
www.mjmonaghan
heatherchristenaschmidt.com
www.awriterweavesatale
diapersorwine.blogspot.com
myheartblogstoyou.blogspot.com

     Hang in there, people---I'm going as fast as I can here! My third little surprise is a beauty called The Lovely Blog Award, given to me by Pamela @ pjgraves51.blogspot.com. Thanks, Pamela!

RULES:

Include award logo in post and thank the person who nominated you & include their link
Nominate 5 other deserving bloggers
Give 7-15 random facts about yourself (already done)

5 LOVELY BLOG NOMINEES

snarkfest.blogspot.com
bakinginatornado.blogspot.com
dawnsdisaster.blogspot.com
alia-cartwright.blogspot.com
shecantbeserious.com

     Award no#4 is The Sisterhood Of World Bloggers Award, given to me twice, thanks to Sandra @ shecantbeserious.com and Jenn @ mydailyjenn-ism.blogspot.com

RULES:

Include award logo in blog post, thank the nominee and link back to their site
Post 7 interesting facts about yourself (already done)
Pass the award to 7 deserving sisters

     Since I received this puppy twice, I think it is only fair to deliver it to double the amount of winners!

14 DESERVING BLOGGER SISTERS:

sorrykid.blogspot.com
pjgraves51.blogspot.com
followmehome.shellybean.com
www.chewylicious.com
gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com
healthynaturalbeauty.blogspot.com
pocketfulofjoules.com
forever-51.com
jleesblog.com
mymidlifemayhem.wordpress.com
www.theramblingcouchpotato.com
quirkygrandmother.blogspot.com
www.lifecherries.com
thisbitchrocks.blogspot.com

     Award no#5 is the Sunshine Award given to me by Melanie @ motherofnine9.blogspot.com. Thanks, Melanie!

RULES:

Include award logo in blog post and thank the blogger who gave it to you & include a link back
Answer 10 questions about yourself that you have made up yourself (yeah, I know, kinda weird)
Nominate 10-12 bloggers for the award and contact them at their blog site to inform them

     Because this is becoming a ridiculously long blog post due to the nature of my procrastination techniques in acknowledging these awards, I'm going to make it easy on you by describing myself 10 ways rather than answer 10 lengthy questions.

MENOPAUSAL MOTHER IS A_______ (don't even TRY to fill in that blank!) :

*Caffeine addict (3:00 a.m.? Yeah, I'm good for another hour of Facebooking)
*Animal hoarder ( I'm going to start charging admission to visit my zoo)
*Insomniac (I think I was a bat in a previous life)
*Foodaholic (and damn proud of it!)
*Phobic whackadoodle (fears cockroaches, airplanes, left turns, lights out, apocalyptic zombies)
*Squirrel whisperer (if you build feeders they will come....)
*Moody (in dire need of daily humor or I will chew through my restraints)
*Weekend drinker/partier/girl-with-the-lampshade-on-her-head
*Cranky on the outside, mushy on the inside (like a badly burned marshmallow)
*Sucker for romance (a dozen yellow roses goes far...)

12 AWESOME SUNSHINE BLOGGERS:

neathmyheart.blogspot.com
d-foreverserenity.blogspot.com
www.thriftedbywendy.com
unfoldthefolded.blogspot.com
woodsfamilyofthree.blogspot.com
www.youknowithappensatyourhousetoo.com
thegreekhousewife.blogspot.com
lettersfromluanna.blogspot.com
happy-little-feet.blogspot.com
www.athometake2.com
unspokensilences.blogspot.com
singlewritermomrants.wordpress.com

     Last but not least is no.#6, the Liebster Award, thanks to Sittie Cates @ myownwritersnook.blogspot.com

RULES:

List 11 factoids about yourself (done!)
Answer 11 questions given to you
Create 11 new questions for the bloggers you nominate for the award
Choose 11 bloggers for the award
Go to the blogger's page and inform  them of the award
Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog
Only tag bloggers who have 200 or less followers  ***This was awarded to me even though I have more than 200 followers--I accepted it anyway so that I could pass it along to 11 very deserving bloggers!!

11 QUESTIONS FOR MENOPAUSAL MOTHER:

1. What drives you to continue your blog?  My husband is tired of hearing my endless chatter---I needed an outlet to vent before my husband packed his bags and moved out.
2. If you had a different name, what would it be and why would you choose it?  My Indian name would be "She-Who-Runs-With-Squirrels."  Why? Because I do.
3. What can't you live without?  Chocolate...wine...Facebook...naps...I can only choose one?
4. What is your best loved hobby?  Championship beer pong.
5. Why did you choose the title of your blog?  Because I'm friggin' menopausal, what else?
6. How long have you been blogging? One year, one month, 17 days, 6 hours and about 25 minutes.
7. How do you prefer to spend your weekends?  Baking rum cakes, sampling all the wine in the house, putting my husband to work in the backyard garden while I clip my toenails...
8. What goals have you achieved? Married 28 years, raised 4 incredible kids...and I can out-drink men twice my size...oh wait---maybe that's not something to be proud of.
9. Cite a blog you like and why you like it. I LOVE every blog I awarded in this post! I'm currently getting HUGE laughs from 2 bloggers who are new to me: Sorrykid.blogspot.com and www.pullmyfunnybone.com. Both Ashley and Gwen share my twisted sense of humor and lead my imagination to new frontiers.  But there are 3 bloggers who have been my biggest supporters during tough times (both in my personal life and my blogging life)that I want to thank. They are: Lanthie @ www.lifecherries, Kc @ Ketchupchipsusa.blogspot.com and Jon @ Jonwhiting55.blogspot.com.  I love these bloggers and appreciate them more than they know (well...hopefully they do now)!
10. What's your greatest dream in life?  To publish a book that will entice my fans down the path of menopausal insanity.
11. What month were you born? October. Libra. We like to be the center of attention and the life of the party.

11 FABULOUS LIEBSTER AWARD BLOG NOMINEES:

shittydad.wordpress.com
badwordmama.blogspot.com
myworldaccordingtomeii.blogspot.com
jonwhiting55.blogspot.com
heymommychocolatemilk.blogspot.com
outofboundswithjay.blogspot.com
www.pullmyfunnybone.com
www.oneclassymotha.com
mybrainonkids.net
ketchupchipsusa.blogspot.com
badluckdetective.wordpress.com

     While they are patting themselves on the back, I'm going to surprise them with these 11 awkward questions they have to answer----and they may not be too happy about it once they read them but c'mon, have a sense of humor here, will ya?

11 WEIRD QUESTIONS YOU HAVE TO ANSWER TO MAKE MENO MOM HAPPY:

1. Do you salt your watermelon?
2. Your favorite beverage is?
3. Have you ever tasted cat or dog food?
4. If you were a pro athlete, what sport would you play?
5. What animal best represents you?
6. What is the weirdest job you ever had/or hated?
7. Have you ever gotten stuck in something and had to yell for help to get out?
8. Have you ever "sharted" (SORRY!! MY HUSBAND MADE THIS ONE UP!!!)?
9. How old were you when you had your first kiss?
10. If you were on Death Row, what would your last meal request be?
11. What is one of your most embarrassing moments?

     So.....WAKE UP I'M DONE! Liebsters, let me know when you post your answers to these questions because inquiring minds want to know. Congratulations to all of my bloggy friends! Now go out there and spread your love to all the other fabulous bloggers you know!