Menopausal Mother

     Today is a special day at Menopausal Mother's site. I'm introducing you to one of my favorite bloggers, Sarah over at http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com. Her blog caught my attention several months ago when she left hilarious comments on my Caveman Twitter post. I just HAD to check out this talented lady and I've been stalking her blog ever since. I knew the moment I read her bio that I had  met a kindred spirit and someone I could call a true friend in the blogosphere. In the short time that I have known Sarah, I realize our brains are wired the same---pretty soon we won't need to email one another---we'll just communicate telepathically.
     Sarah is still fairly new to the blogging world (she started many, many moons ago back in June 2012), but she already has a large audience and quite a few blogging awards under her belt. Her bio reads:   "The Sadder But Wiser Girl is the mother of two children and is married to an evil genius. Suffering from A.D.D., Anxiety, and a phobia of washing dishes by hand, she blogs to save the world from boringness. Though she is college educated, she would gladly trade her degree in for something useful, like a grilled cheese sandwich. She also goes by the name of Sarah Almond, writer, blogger, and dreamer looking to find her niche somewhere in the great big world."
     I think Sarah has already found her niche, and now we are the fortunate ones on the receiving end of  her humor.



Be sure and check out Sarah's blog at http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com  and show her some love by visiting and liking her Facebook fan page at http://www.facebook.com/thesadderbutwisergirl  and tell her that Meno Mama sent ya!


Want to show Menopausal Mother some love, too? Vote for me in the Circle Of Moms Top 25 contest! Click on the link below, then scroll down until you find my blog. Click "vote" and BOOM! You're done. You can vote for Meno Mama once a day, every day (within a 24 hour time frame), until the contest ends FEB.13. You can also click on the badge at the upper right corner to get to the site as well. Thanks for showing the love!!
http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-Funny-Moms-2013

     Today I am participating in a group blog posting called "Fly On The Wall", created by Karen over at www.bakinginatornado.com. There are 14 other bloggers participating in this fun little project that allows our readers a sneak peak into a day in the life of a blogger. Or as I call it, "Embarrassing Things We Really Shouldn't Share With The Public".
     Before entering my home, there are several signs posted outside that forewarn visitors what they might encounter inside.




     If you are faint of heart, turn back now because this blog post is not for you. If you find the mentioning of certain bodily functions offensive, click out of my site now and find a nice blog post on DIY sofa covers or frilly lamp shades.
     I have a teenager and 3 adult children. When we are all together under the same roof, things get interesting. If you were a fly on the wall in my house during this time, here are some snippets of conversation you would have heard:

     "Dad is just a crusty old man who sunbathes with dinosaurs and eats bologna sandwiches."

     "Stop singing Whitney Houston songs! My ears are bleeding!"

     "Don't eat corn! That junk ricochets back at you in the toilet!"

     "It's a sign of sisterly love that our toenails fell off on the same day. That's what I call true bonding."

     "Why did you let me eat that much orzo? Now I need a stomach pump."

     "I want a penguin. And a kangaroo."
     "Yeah, well I wanted a yard gnome but I never got one."

     "Don't you hate it when you burp and throw up in you mouth at the same time?"
     "Can't be any worse than pushing out a fart and then end up peeing a little bit in your pants."

     "Cut your damn Hobbit toenails!"

     " I gotta pee so bad my bladder is gonna burst in my throat!"

     "You let the dog lick your face? He just ate his own poop outside!"

     "Stop hoarding all the peanut granola bars in your room. What are you, a squirrel?"

     "Oh, she pooped in her diaper. That was a nice little surprise package."

     "You need to get out of sloth mode and get busy doing your chores!"

     "Don't cut your toenails next to me while I'm eating lunch. I don't want those flying missiles landing in my macaroni salad."

     "I'm not putting my laundry in with his. I don't want our clothes rubbing together in the washing machine. I can't even dry my face off on those towels because they all smell like his dirty under ware."

     "No, sweet potato casserole does not come from ear wax."

     "Who the hell had a picnic in the bathroom?"
     "What do you mean?"
     "There's a meatloaf in the toilet and lemonade all over the seat."


     And in the past week, I have been referred to by my children as a:
     Rotten vagina
     Poopsicle
     Blogger whore
     Wine bee-otch
     Fatty McFarty

     Don't get mad, people! These are terms of endearment in my home. Which is why I love my family so much.
     Welcome to the nuthouse!

     We survived the Y2K "computer crash" on December 31, 1999, and we surpassed the deadline of the Mayan calendar. But what about a zombie apocalypse?
     I am once again participating in a Secret Subject Swap with 17 other bloggers, hosted by Karen@http://www.bakinginatornado.com. My prompt this time comes from Jenn over at http://www.somethingclever2point0.com. Her question to me is: "What is your zombie plan?"
     I was actually pleased to get this prompt, because I live in Florida, home of the most notorious flesh-eating zombie stories of 2012. Zombie defense plans were all the rage last year, and after watching enough episodes of The Walking Dead, I think I am prepared to do battle. This folks, is how I plan to survive a zombie apocalypse:

1.  First, disguise myself as a zombie to fit in with the rotting rogues. I will do this by refraining from bathing for weeks, rolling in garbage and raw sewage, shredding my clothes, tossing out my toothbrush and skipping my daily naps for awhile. Of course at this point, none of my fellow humans will want to be downwind of me, either.

2.  Hone my growling, moaning and slobbering skills.

3.  Practice precision slicing of cantaloupes with a large machete.

4.  Stick wood planks down my pants in an effort to walk stiff-legged.

5.  Stockpile toilet paper, chipped beef, canned corn, beans and Little Debbie Cakes to eat secretly in my attic while the zombies are outside gnawing on human chicken wings.

6.  Build a mote around my house and fill it with zombie-eating alligators. Or perhaps piranhas would be more effective since they don't leave anything behind. The vultures in my special, ugly bird aviary will be allowed out each morning to eat the zombie leftovers. If they are too full to finish the gruesome banquet, I can always haul out the wood chipper/shredder to finish the job.

7.  Blast Judy Collins, Bette Midler and Barry Manilow songs from loud speakers to deter the zombies and make their brains explode.

8.  Douse myself in a perfume repellent known as "Eau De Zombie Poop".


9.  Trap the zombies by digging big holes in my yard and camouflaging them with leaves and branches. Once the zombies fall into the trap, I'll torch their asses.

10.  Place a large banner across my home that reads: "1st Annual Zombie Barbecue. If You're Human, They Will Come".  Then I'll sit behind the machine gun turrets on my roof and wait....


     As I go through my check list in preparation for the apocalypse, I realize all that is left is for me to slip into my special zombie gear.

     I'm ready for battle. Are you?

     Now that winter is actually approaching Florida (it's sixty degrees out..BRRR!) and the palm trees might be threatened by frostbite, I pulled out the winter clothes from the attic. Inside the trunk I found an old, leather jacket from my early mommy days. As I tried it on (and noticed it was a bit snug at the waist), I slipped my hands into the pockets and discovered unidentified objects from years past. My fingers delved into the deep depths of the unknown for hidden treasure, and this is what I found:

* One lint coated breath mint

* A faded receipt from a Star Trek convention along with one rubber Spock ear

* Fossilized stick of gum from 2001

* A key to a piece-of-crap minivan I unloaded 10 years ago

* Wadded-up tissue that had disintegrated into a pile of white ash

* A used strand of floss from a steak house

* An unwrapped tampon that had swelled up to the size of an airline pillow

* A clump of moss

* An uncapped, hairy stick of lip balm

* A petrified granola bar

* Ticket stubs to an outdoor concert where the Hubs got smashed and stumbled into the ladies room

* A champagne cork and two sea shells from a night of celebrating on the beach when we...well, you know...

* An arm from a Batman action figure

* A scrap of paper with a phone number to a turtle taxidermy shop

* Two quarters, a Heineken beer bottle cap and a baby's pacifier (sounds like a party to me!)

* A Barbie doll head. No comment.

* A cocktail napkin from Al and Suzy's wedding...the party lasted
longer than the marriage

* A matchbook from a hotel in Orlando where the fire alarm went off at 3:00 a.m. and we were herded like cattle out into the parking lot.  I learned that people at that hour of the morning look like they belong in a circus act or an episode of Swamp People


     After much consideration,  I decided to leave the contents in the pockets---it was a time capsule of sorts. One day my kids will inherit the jacket and wonder about the contents. I like to keep them guessing.