Menopausal Mother

   My WackyWednesday Writer today is Lisa Nolan from the blog of the same name: www.lisanolan.com. She describes herself as a "Supermom with a second-hand cape and an empty glass of wine." Sounds like my kind of gal!  Lisa is not only an entertaining humor writer but also a social media guru when it comes to Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest and Google +. She hosts numerous social media events and posts informative articles on her blog site the have been very helpful to me, especially those concerning the publishing industry. Lisa has interviewed many authors and generously promoted their books with excellent reviews that have also helped to boost sales. She is the creator of several blogs and websites in addition to being an indie publisher at Monkey Star Press. Lisa is currently working on the humor anthology, "Motherhood: May Cause Drowsiness," which is a collaboration of comedic stories from sleep-deprived women learning to function on minimal amounts of shut-eye. You won't want to miss her book once it's released!  I'm honored to be a part of this anthology, which is chock full of talented female writers.
     Please welcome Lisa Nolan to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love and be sure to check out her blog site as well!


                            A MOM'S DATE WITH HER CLUTTER

 
     I hate clothes shopping, which explains why I've never been accused of being a fashionista. It also explains why my daughters always call first to ask what I'm wearing before they bring their friends over to the house.

     Shopping is a miserable way for me to spend a day, but when my underwear drawer looks like its been attacked by hungry moths, I know it's time to hit the mall.

     After birthing four babies by c-section and sweating my way through menopausal hell, having a root canal is preferable to me than clothes shopping. I might enjoy it more if I was twenty pounds lighter, but shopping isn't fun when I'm forced to skip the petite section in favor of the Orca department where everything comes in black, white or shower curtain pattern.
   
     My husband often accompanies me during my clothes hunting expeditions because he is: (A) Bored with all 500 cable channels (B) Needs to replenish his tube sock collection or (C) Wants to make sure I don't spend all my cash on animal print house dresses and takeout from the Burger Barn. Normally he's pretty helpful while I scan the aisles for something I can squeeze into. It's always a challenge to find an outfit that doesn't leave me looking like the exploding dough from a Pillsbury Crescent Roll tube.

     While I'm on the other side of the store pondering zippers v.s. elastic waistbands, my husband feels no shame in shouting across the room for everyone to hear:

     "Honey, can you still fit in an XL?"
 
     "Hey Babe, you want those jeans with a control top panel, right?"

     I try to be frugal while I shop, but by the time I hit the clearance section, there are only two clothing sizes left on the racks---hummingbird or mastodon.

     Once I'm able to find a dress that doesn't resemble a large paint tarp, I head for the dreaded dressing room. It's always at this moment that I wish I lived in the 1500's where everyone bought one-size-fit-all clothing from Dirty-Smocks-R-Us and dressed by dim candlelight to mask the effects of a mead and potato diet.

     Another reason I dread entering the dressing rooms is because there are some shoppers who use these cubicles for more than just trying on clothes. How do I know this? Several of my children worked in major department stores during their high school years and shared a few nightmare tales that have scarred me for life. These popular stores should consider posting signs so that paranoid people like me don't have to worry about stepping into DNA samples left by the previous occupants. Simple signs that would be helpful, such as: "FECAL FREE ZONE" or "MOTEL 6 IS DOWN THE STREET…. THEY'LL LEAVE A LIGHT ON FOR YOU!"

     It never fails that by the time I get to the checkout counter, the angry woman in front of me with three returns and a missing receipt was once the president of her high school debate team. My eye starts to twitch the moment she engages in refund warfare with the young girl behind the cash register. Obviously neither one of these women knows I'm two hours late getting home to walk a dog known for bouts of IBS. That's one "WELCOME HOME" surprise I can do without.

     Along with the shopping spree comes the daunting task of cleaning out the old clothes to make room for the new. I'm a firm believer in recycling and have found some creative ways to repurpose my granny panties with a needle and thread. By sewing them together, I can make an outdoor patio umbrella, a tent for camping trips or an heirloom quilt for the grandkids. Pinterest has nothing on me.

     The reality is that when I try on the new clothes at home, they don't look as good on me as they did in the dressing room. I'm convinced that department stores use trick mirrors so that every woman appears as shapely as an hour glass. When I get home and look in my own mirror, all I see is a pear dressed up in a shower curtain.

     Chances are I'll be returning my one-size-fits-none clothing to the mall….but only after a quick stop at the Burger Barn.



***You can find more Meno Mama this week at http://humoroutcasts.com/2014/devil-juice where I dish on the (funny) effects of too much wine.

        ***********************BREAKING NEWS!!!*************************


 I'm pleased to announce that Menopausal Mother's first book, "Who Stole My Spandex? Midlife Musings From A Middle-Aged MILF" will be released this coming fall!!!


     Many of you dear readers have been asking me if I would ever consider putting my nutty life in a book so that you can enjoy my wackiness 24/7. That time has come, and I hope you will spread the word, join my author site here: http://www.marciakesterdoyle.com and sign up for news of the official release here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1Sktj_KWKQgRlj4-YJWMD4eeuwROs2bGXJkdpq5B1fqI/viewform.

    My WWW guest today is one heck of a funny lady! Please welcome Joy Hedding of  Evil Joy Speaks! Joy writes mostly about her family life but throws in the occasional (and totally relatable!) rant or a clever poem, and she participates in several group blog postings each month. She is one of the few writers I know who doesn't like coffee (GASP!) but still gets her caffeine fix through tea. She also has an interesting nickname for pinot grigio wine but I can't repeat it here. You'll just have to check out her hilarious blog to see for yourself!
     "Evil Joy" really isn't evil at all---I think she has a kind heart and is very supportive of her peers in the blogging community. I'm betting you're going to love this lady as much as I do! Please welcome Joy to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!


                                         NEW FORM OF SELF TORTURE

     A few months ago I wrote something on my Facebook wall about having faith in dreams coming true. I hinted that something special was about to happen, and now that day has finally arrived.

     I' M  G I V I N G  B I R T H ! ! !

     Noooooo, not to a baby. I'm too old to even lay dinosaur eggs. I'm talking about giving birth to a dream that has been gestating for a very long time.

     Today I'm pleased to announce that Menopausal Mother's first book, "Who Stole My Spandex? Midlife Musings From A Middle-Aged MILF" will be released this coming July 2014!!!


     Many of you dear readers have been asking me if I would ever consider putting my nutty life in a book so that you can enjoy my wackiness 24/7. That time has come, and I hope you will spread the word, join my author site here: http://www.marciakesterdoyle.com and sign up for news of the official release here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1Sktj_KWKQgRlj4-YJWMD4eeuwROs2bGXJkdpq5B1fqI/viewform. Here's a little teaser that was written by my publisher about the book:





     Some very special bloggers are promoting my book today on either their their blogs or their Facebook pages as part of the book cover reveal. I am honored that they have offered to do so, and would love it if you could stop by their sites to thank them and see what they have to say. BIG hugs and thank you's to the following bloggers for helping Menopausal Mother spread the news today! 

Sarah Shaw Almond	The Sadder But Wiser Girl	http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com/
Kelly Fox	Foxy Wine Pocket	http://www.foxywinepocket.com
Teri Biebel	Snarkfest	http://snarkfestblog.blogspot.com/
Angela Keck	Writer Mom's Blog	http://writermomblog.com/
Crystal Ponti	MommiFried	http://mommifried.com
Crystal Ponti	Blue Lobster Book Co.	http://bluelobsterbookco.com
Beth Teliho	Writer B is Me	http://www.bethteliho.wordpress.com/
Amanda Mushro	Questionable Choices in Parenting	http://questionablechoicesinparenting.com/
Stacey	OneFunnyMotha	http://onefunnymotha.com
Sarah Nolan	The Momisodes	http://smn0409.blogspot.com
Alyson Herzig	The Shitastrophy	http://theshitastrophy.com
Jennifer Cooper Cedeno	My Daily Jenn-ism	http://mydailyjenn-ism.blogspot.com
Stacy Burnett	Stacy Sews And Schools	http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com
Linda Roy	Elleroy Was Here	http://elleroywashere.com
Mary Widdicks	Outmanned Mommy	http://outmannedmommy.com
Tamara Gerber-Stutz	Confessions Of A Part-Time Working Mom	http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/
Vikki Clafin	Laugh-Lines	http://laugh-lines.net

 
    Anyone who knows me well knows I don't fly. Ever. For this reason, I have missed out on some spectacular opportunities due to my debilitating phobia. I'm left to daydream about trips to exotic places from the comfort of my La-Z-Boy chair.
   
     For quite some time, I've been trolling through my friend's vacation photos on Facebook with a twinge of envy. Although I'm not a fan of the airbus from hell, the thought of driving to a destination that takes longer to reach than the hours between lunch and dinner is even less appealing to me. Long road trips bring out the fidgety kid in me who has to pee every ten minutes, eat every five and whines, "Are we there yet?….ARE WE THERE YET???" My family knows if they want a happy passenger riding shotgun in the car, it's not going to be me. They're better off taking the dog.

     When word spread across the internet that there was an Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop taking place at her alma mater in Dayton, Ohio, I wanted to go. Badly. Tickets were selling fast and the list of attendees read like the Who's Who of the blogosphere. I was instantly swept up in the tide of excitement generated by my blogger friends who'd already purchased tickets. Within minutes, I found myself scrolling through the registration form and clicking on the "Pay Now" button. Before I knew it, my reservations for the three day conference and hotel room was confirmed.

     And I had no freaking idea how I was going to get there from Florida.

     My husband generously stepped forward and volunteered to drive me to the conference. Seventeen hours up, seventeen hours back. That's thirty-seven hours of interstate purgatory.

     Somehow we did it, and we survived without throttling one another at the end of the day. It was one of the most rewarding experiences in my life, not just because of everything I learned at the conference but in the friendships that were made.


     Rather than bore anyone with the details of the new writing and publishing techniques I learned, I'm going to share instead some valuable lessons gleaned from roadside observations and my first foray into the conference world.

     During this six day adventure, I learned the following:

* Hair dyed the color of a red velvet cupcake is frowned upon by the A&W lunch crowd in a small town populated by people who are all related to one another.

* There's enough roadkill between Florida and Ohio to feed a family of six for a year.

* Places with names like Big Bone Lick State Park really DO exist.

* Every roadside restroom is NOT created equal.

* Don't get lost in the dark mountains of Kentucky late at night where the only visible light comes from a cell phone. Nothing motivates you to drive faster than a highway dotted with "BEWARE OF FALLING ROCK" signs.

* If you eat more carbohydrates in three days than you consume in one year, don't be surprised if your sphincter muscles go into shock. You might need the jaws of life or a garden hose to get your inner plumbing right.  * I also learned that it IS possible to gain ten pounds over the course of a weekend.* 

* Avoid driving through Atlanta, Georgia during rush hour….unless you enjoy sitting in standstill traffic and watching a guy in the car next to you digging for gold in both of his nostrils.

* It's all fun and games staying up late in the hotel bar with the other conference attendees until you see your reflection in the mirror at 6:00a.m.  By the look of everyone else, I wasn't the only one sporting puffy under eye baggage. I haven't seen that much luggage since the great carousel jam-up at the airport in 1989.

* Invest in satellite radio for long road trips, otherwise you'll be subjected to Mexican opera and hours of country music that will cause a permanent twang in your voice.

* At the convention dinner, if you decide to skip the fish dinner in favor of a meatless meal, you might end up with something resembling cat yak.

* You'll laugh so much that all those Kegel exercises you did twenty years ago will be put to the test.  

    The Erma Bombeck conference will return to Dayton in 2016, and I already have my packing list ready of the next trip. This includes an extra supply of fiber pills, a flashlight and a fold-up Port-a-potty. I also have my list of expenses prepared:

Gas…….$500
Hotel…….$450
Workshop……$400
New friends made at the conference…..PRICELESS!

   

      So……I decided to step WAY out of my comfort zone this week and do something I have never done before: attend a writer's convention! But not just any convention----this is the Erma Bombeck Writers convention! How cool is THAT? By the time you read this, I'll be laughing it up in Erma's college town of Dayton, Ohio, with a bunch of other funny writers. The only thing missing is one of my blogger besties. I wanted more than anything for her to be here with me, sharing a glass of vino and making each other laugh. But since she couldn't make it, today she is doing what every good bloggy buddy does--she is taking control of my blog. BWHAHAHA!!!! I love this blogger so much that I invited her back for a third time on my site! Please welcome my dear friend Sarah from The Sadder But Wiser Girl! When I met Sarah over a year ago, I knew immediately I had found a kindred spirit in the blogosphere and she has been one of my favorite bloggers since then. I always look forward to reading her new posts because she consistently makes me laugh. Sarah and I share a really weird sense of humor that often leaves others scratching their heads---but we totally understand each other and have spent many nights on the computer until the wee hours laughing over stupid stuff. Our conversations are hilarious and we do some of our best brain storming this way.
     Besides being a very talented writer, what I value most about Sarah is her friendship---she is so kind, sweet and loyal---I know I can depend on her in a pinch. She has always been incredibly supportive of Meno Mama and knows how to lift up my spirits when I'm having a craptastic day. Please welcome this talented, hilariously funny lady to my site with lots of comment love!

***I also did a funny interview over at Questionable Choices In Parenting this week. You can find it here: http://74.220.207.116/~questir1/2014/04/02/mother-perfect-mother-unique-mothers-day-giveaway-interview-menopausal-mother/

***Last but not least, Meno Mama was featured again on one of her favorite sites, The Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop! You can read my funny take on aging here: http://humorwriters.org/2014/04/04/vultures-waiting

Wish me luck, Folks-----heading out next week to my very first humor writer's conference (Erma Bombeck Conference) in Ohio!! WHOO-HOO!!!!!

      I am SO EXCITED to introduce you to my special WWW guest today----Gary Sidley of  Bryan Jones' Diary-The Ramblings Of A Menopausal Man! Naturally I was drawn to his blog because of the name "Menopausal Man," but I was even more thrilled to discover a kindred spirit in him. He could easily be my better half in the blogosphere since we share so many of the same, midlife symptoms. I love the fact that he finds the humor in aging….and oh, what I wouldn't give to meet this hilarious man in person to compare notes! Gary's blog is one of the funniest ones out there and a refreshing change since it's written from the male perspective. Do yourself a favor ladies AND GENTLEMEN, and check out Gary's blog. I promise you this comedic writer knows how to deliver the belly laughs. Please welcome him to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!