Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Wacky Wednesday Writers Guest Post By: Bryan Jones' Diary-The Ramblings Of A Menopausal Man

      I am SO EXCITED to introduce you to my special WWW guest today----Gary Sidley of  Bryan Jones' Diary-The Ramblings Of A Menopausal Man! Naturally I was drawn to his blog because of the name "Menopausal Man," but I was even more thrilled to discover a kindred spirit in him. He could easily be my better half in the blogosphere since we share so many of the same, midlife symptoms. I love the fact that he finds the humor in aging….and oh, what I wouldn't give to meet this hilarious man in person to compare notes! Gary's blog is one of the funniest ones out there and a refreshing change since it's written from the male perspective. Do yourself a favor ladies AND GENTLEMEN, and check out Gary's blog. I promise you this comedic writer knows how to deliver the belly laughs. Please welcome him to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!



                     

THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING A MENOPAUSAL MALE




I’m thrilled to have been asked by my Internet soul-mate, Marcia Kester Doyle, to contribute a guest post to her splendid ‘Menopausal Mother’ blog. But what topic would be suitable for such an esteemed host? In keeping with the maxim, ‘If you can’t beat them, join them,’ I opted to steal one of Marcia’s ideas. A few weeks ago she posted a hilarious list describing the advantages associated with being a menopausal lady. So today I give you the male version: the eight best things about being a 55-year-old man.

1. Hugging women
At my age, I can hug younger women without them believing I’m trying to get into their pants. And it’s true, I’m not. Honest! There are times when I just enjoy interacting with females. But then again, maybe it’s because I’m aware that, at a wrinkled and greying 55, I have more chance of winning Simon Cowell’s X-Factor than extracting sexual favours from attractive young ladies – not that I’m seeking such reactions (just in case my good lady’s reading!).

2. Answering quiz questions
Although not gifted with extensive general knowledge, over half a century of wandering the planet – usually, but not always, with my eyes and ears open - has endowed me with sufficient experience to correctly answer the occasional question on TV game-shows, thereby impressing members of the younger generation. So whether the jackpot-winning question is, ‘What was the first number 1 record by the Rolling Stone?’ or ‘Who was the goalkeeper in England’s 1966 World-Cup-winning team?’ I can give the (misleading) impression of being extraordinarily clever.

3. Hemorrhoid expert
Since my throbbing, bulbous friends pitched their tents deep within the crevice of my arse two decades ago, I have developed into a world authority on the subject of hemorrhoids. Whether you wish to know about the range of ointments available, the pros and cons of the surgical options or buttock positioning to minimize pain, I’m your man.

4. Pooing in peace
As my wife and two grown-up children are familiar with the eccentricities of my bowel – an enigmatic bit of tubing that randomly alternates between frenzy and stagnation – they no longer disturb me when I am sitting on the toilet. Therefore, I am able to spend a peaceful hour on my throne, reading a book or newspaper, without intrusion. Come to think of it, that’s probably why I suffer with hemorrhoids!

5. Wisdom
My hair may no longer be ebony, and my features droopy rather than chiselled, but advancing years have bestowed upon me a wisdom I didn’t possess in my younger days. When I’m criticized I’m able to laugh at my short-comings, in stark contrast to my 23-year-old son who responds to disapproval with a hissy fit and a life-threatening elevation in blood pressure. When out with my wife, and an attractive young woman wanders into view, I choose my words carefully; where once I might have said, ‘Wow, look at the arse on that!’ I now say, ‘That bonny lass reminds me of you, darling.’ (I suspect this change may have extended my life-expectancy!)

6. Kids, it’s payback time
It is a time of life when one can settle a few old scores, by punishing my grown-up children for all the hassle they’ve caused me over the years with their tantrums, thoughtlessness and verbal abuse. So when my 23-year-old son plucks up the courage to bring his girlfriend to our house, it just happens to coincide with me flicking through the family photograph album and passing around the snap of my 3-year-old son bare arsed on a beach in Corfu. And when my 19-year-old daughter invites her mates around for a girly night watching a video, I just happen to wander into the room, without trousers, loudly asking my wife to remind me what time the swingers’ party starts.

7. No more early arrivals
Many years ago, as a virile, warm-blooded young man, sexual encounters were characterized by plentiful energy, plentiful excitement, plentiful lust, but little staying power. Indeed, on occasions I arrived before I’d set off (if you know what I mean). None of that nonsense these days; no sirree! There’s nothing premature about me at 55 - although it might require the perseverance of a single-handed, transatlantic rower to deliver me to the destination!

8. Less laundry bills
There was once a time when I repeatedly changed my clothes. A fresh shirt and trousers were required each morning while socks exited my top drawer at a rate of two pairs per day. At 55, I’m a tad less fastidious. My Wrangler jeans can last a fortnight, a T-shirt about the same. And as for my boxer shorts, they tend to crawl off on their own after seven days of heavy-duty wear.

Yes, there are definitely some distinct advantages of being a menopausal male; for me, that is, rather than for those who have to live with me.


BIO:

Gary Sidley is a freelance writer who recently opted for early retirement following 33 years of continuous employment in the UK’s psychiatric services, mostly as a clinical psychologist. Since retirement, his writing focus is shared between a humor blog (Bryan Jones Diary), humor articles for magazines, and criticisms of western psychiatry (his book, Tales from the Madhouse; an insider critique of psychiatric practice will be published later this year).

More of Gary's mental health stuff can be found on:

Humor articles and chit-chat








44 comments:

  1. What a hoot! I had a good laugh over that! Yes, Marcia, I would definitely say you have met your male counterpart when it comes to menopause and midlife.

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    1. So pleased you enjoyed it, Writercat. And I would feel privileged to be viewed as Marcia's male counterpart!

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    2. Isn't he great???? We are definitely internet/bloggy soul mates! :-)

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  2. My favourites:

    3.Oh man, this is funny. You better start naming those hemorrhoid creams mate, and those soft comfy cushions always come handy at the right moment, ha ha ha.

    5. Be careful, when commenting on other women. Remember the saying about a woman's scorn? Who wants to spend weeks in the dog house? And with an attitude :)

    6. I like it. Embarrass those kids like there's no tomorrow. They'll do the same to their own kids on day.

    7. Spice it up mate, you've got time on your hands so what's the rush.

    8. I wouldn't want to be the one knocking your front door before laundry day! It would be too hilarious to see you moving in one direction whilst your pants fight to go the other way, ha ha ha ha.

    Ah, a retired psychologist, it all makes sense now... ha ha ha. I must pop over to your blog soon.

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    1. I appreciate your detailed comments (and sound advice!). I'll take heed of your your 'other women' advice, but the words just seem to slip out.

      Get well soon.

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  3. Refreshing, so refreshing, to hear the other side of this!

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  4. Carol, thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

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  5. Very funny. Your book sounds facinating.

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    1. Glad you found it amusing, Doreen.

      As for the book, the topic of psychiatry tends to generate polarized opinions, so your enjoyment (or otherwise) would probably depend upon which side of the argument you are on.

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  6. That was funny! I needed a good laugh this morning! Thanks. :)

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    1. I'm delighted it brightened your day a bit, Becka. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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  7. Gary, enjoyed very much! Of all the advantages listed, I'd say I look forward to the day where I can be in the bathroom for more than two minutes without a search party consisting of everyone in the house being sent to ascertain my whereabouts.

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    1. I hear you, brother; interruptions can be irksome. I appreciate your interest.

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  8. hahahahaHAHAHAHA! I love your revenge on your kids, that is classic! Going in the archives. I'm ALL ABOUT that life right now, and my son is only 18!

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    1. Glad it resonated with you, Joy. Payback time with the kids can be soooooooo rewarding!

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  9. I'm a longtime fan of Gary's blog and it's a thrill to see him getting more exposure. Like he said, he's the guy to go to when your hemorrhoids flair up.

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    1. Thank you, Stephen, for your enduring support and encouragement. And yes, if your bulbous buddies are giving you hell, I'm the man!

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    2. Gary is hilarious and I am soooo happy to feature him today!

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  10. Oh, Gary. Dear Dear Gary. You can hug me anytime while watching Jeopardy, positioning yourself 'just so', after having finally come off your throne, to share your wisdom, as we both make mincemeat of our grown kids, knowing the sex 'thing' will take too much time, and it's much more productive to just get the laundry done. Now that's a GOOD DATE.

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    1. You never cease to amaze me, Cheryl. That comment must qualify as one of the most polished responses I've ever read. You're pure gold!

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  11. Well, I can solve your hemorrhoid problem. You just need to tell those bloody bastards to ditch their tent poles and stakes. What you need is an Inflatable Geodesic Tent–no poles. Here's a link: http://www.fastcodesign.com/1670031/inflatable-geodesic-tent-makes-tent-poles-obsolete. Just be careful when closing the zipper. You're welcome.

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    1. I'm not sure my bulbous buddies require inflation, Joe; they're the size of balloons already!

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  12. Well, if at 55 I have to look forward is hemorrhoids at least the woman hugging and peaceful poos are a good trade off!

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    1. That's a healthy way of looking at it,Phil. It's always good to retain a positive mind-set.

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  13. I LURVE Gary!!! Awesome post -- very funny! I hope I never get roids....they sound terrible. And I'm still waiting for my worldly wisdom. No one partners with me in Trivial Pursuit. Ever.

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    1. I appreciate your generous comments, Beth. I'm no good at Trivial Pursuit either; it's just that, as you get older, one becomes a bit less bad at it.

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  14. This was hilarious... I love how you save on the laundry bill, lol.... and it's good to know I might have answers to trivia as I get older... just because I lived it... haha... You are funny, I can understand why Marcia had you guest post ;)

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    1. Thanks Launna - your kind feedback is very much appreciated.

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  16. Love this! Thank you for brightening my day and putting male menopause into perspective!

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it, Mary. As you can see, the so-called male menopause is a mixed bag!

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  17. I wince in sympathy over your hemorrhoids.

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    1. Thanks for the sympathy. They don't cause me that much pain at the present - more inconvenience (but I wont inflict the details on you here - I'll leave that to my next post!).

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  18. Great Blog. Also Great Article. it's Really Enjoyable Post. Thank you very much for Sharing.

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    1. I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

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  19. Bwahahahaha! I've been after my Husby to write down his feelings as a middle-aged man. Now he doesn't have to! This is perfect! And so funny! My Husby thanks you! And so do I! ;)

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    1. Glad I could be of service, Diane. Please pass on my brotherly support to your hubby!

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  21. Oh man, some of those details I didn't need, but all were hilarious. And I'm totally pulling the "swingers' party" thing on my kids when I'm older...and when I have kids.

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  22. Yes, the image of parents 'swinging' definitely has a disturbing impact on our offspring!

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  23. OMG this is so so funny! I think I especially love the visual of you embarrassing your kids as payback for all of their disrespect and tantrums over the years. I need to remember this stuff for when my kid gets older! And I hear you on the changing of clothes. T-shirts are meant to be worn until they're crusty. Or stinky. Preferably both. Great guest Marcia! You both are hilarious!

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    1. Great to hear from you again, Kristi, and pleased that you enjoyed my ramblings. And yes,some items of clothing will crawl off your body independently when the time is right!

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  24. I remember my younger days of men finding an excuse to hug me. The heat and panting of young men was obvious, but as you said, when a man in his fifties hugged me, it was more of an "ewww" feeling or "he reminds me of my grandpa." Now 56 and married, I get my hugs from my husband. If a horny old man whose my age or older approaches me, (very rare), for a hug, I don't know how to react.

    All funny stuff!

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    1. At 55 I just love the smell, silky skin, girly mannerisms and gestures ... but I better stop there,I'm getting too excited!! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment; much appreciated.

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