Menopausal Mother

• He doesn't have a problem with hitting the drugstore in his pajamas at 2:00a.m. for a tube of Monostat and a bottle of Pepto Bismol. He'll grab a six pack of beer while he's there and tell the checkout lady that he's hosting a helluva party.
  
  
• He sacrifices watching the big game on TV to attend the neighbor's bris. For their dog.
  
  
• He loves his in-laws despite their quirky habits of being cat whisperers and food addicts.
  
  
• When our children were young and we couldn't afford entertainment for their birthday parties, he would don various costumes and morph into “Sven The Happy Swede” or “Daffy The Dysfunctional Clown.”
  
  
• He'll eat my Velveeta surprise casserole without complaint even though it tastes like wallpaper paste and looks like a science experiment gone wrong.
  
  
• Whenever we share a double decker fudge sundae, he sacrifices a few calories by saving the last bite for me.
  
  
• He has plunged our temperamental, overflowing toilet more times than I can count and chased the kids through the house with the dirty, dripping plunger.
  
  
• He doesn't mind being called on in the middle of the night to rescue his teenage daughter when the police detain her for sitting in her friend's car in a baby booster seat without a seatbelt. Yes, she really pulled this stunt.
• He's patient with me when he's feeling amorous and I'm hotflashing like a mofo. Sex is not an option when my lady parts feel like an Easy Bake Oven.
  
  
• He's always ready to protect me from a cockroach invasion. His holster is loaded at all times with a can of Raid on one side and a shoe on the other.

     Welcome to another addition of the Fly On The Wall group postings. Fourteen brave bloggers are allowing their readers to step into their homes for a glimpse of what goes on behind closed doors.

     In the Doyle house, this month has been all about holiday preparations. The Christmas tree is up, the house is decorated inside and out, the frantic shopping has begun and there are oodles of baking goods in my pantry for a weekend of marathon cooking.  I look forward to having my family here as we sip mimosas, open gifts, start a balled-up wrapping paper war and feast on all the delicacies of the big Christmas dinner. My favorite part of the evening is sitting around the fire pit in our backyard as we cozy up to the warmth and listen to family members who sing and play guitar. When I look at all the lovely faces in the glow of the fire, I'm reminded of how blessed I am to belong to this spectacular family.

     If you were a fly on the wall in my house this month, you'd see me designing my own holiday Somee Card memes, which I'm including in today's post. You'd also hear the following snippets of conversation:



"To some, it's a tin of Christmas cookies. To me, it's a support group."

"You could have helped me decorate the tree today instead of being so lazy."
"I'm not lazy. I'm energy efficient."

"There's never a happy ending from a story that begins with, 'that one time I drank Fireball at a holiday party….'"

" I can't enjoy the Christmas feast this year without feeling guilty. You've demonized all the calories."

"It's obvious you're a holiday hoarder. You need a decoration intervention."

"Thank God we have hurricane resistant windows, otherwise they would have cracked when she hit that high note on the Christmas carol."

"It's not good holiday food unless it's really fattening….and you can feel your heart beat slowing down while you eat."

"Need help wrapping all these Christmas presents? …..said no teenager ever."

"Why on earth did you buy a red star for the top of the tree? We now have a brothel Christmas tree."
"I'm going to try to stick to my diet during the holidays."
"I can't do that. I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet."
"What condition?"
"I get hungry."

"I hope you don't wait until the last minute to do your Christmas shopping at a Walgreens drugstore. I don't want to find the Ho Ho Ho Enema Gift Set there."

"Forget 'Elf On The Shelf.' I have 'Steve Up Your Sleeve' and 'Elvis On Your Pelvis.' "

"Whoever said 'Patience is a virtue' never experienced instant gratification."
"Or long line at Walmart."

"I have a lot of decorating to do today, but the coffee will keep me going until it's acceptable to drink heavily spiked eggnog."



MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!




Don't forget to grab your copy of my book, "WHO STOLE MY SPANDEX?" from Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble! Thanks!

     My WWW guest today is very special to me----she has been my blogging buddy since the early days and she's also one of the sweetest women on the planet. Please welcome Michele (Shellybean) Marriott of Follow Me Home. For years, Michele and I have joked about meeting up one day---I keep telling her I'm saving her a seat in my garden so that we can share some wine and talk the night away. We both have several children close in age and we both have the same, zany sense of humor. Her humorous blog posts always make me smile and want to reach through the computer screen to give her a big hug. One of these days, I know we will meet up and finally share that glass of wine. Michele has a heart of gold and I love her to bits. Please welcome my dear and talented friend to my site today. Thanks!

**Side note**  This concludes my Wacky Wednesday Writer guest series until further notice. I need to concentrate on promoting my book in 2015 but will continue to entertain you with my humor blog posts every Friday!

     For many of us, this is the busiest time of year. It's also the most stressful. Trying to juggle the everyday demands of work, children, household chores and errand running coupled with extra holiday obligations is enough to make our heads spin (or earn our very own parking spot at the Liquor Mart).  It's nearly impossible to fit in time for decorating the house, shopping for gifts and baking special treats for family and friends.

    Not only is my special WWW guest a talented comedy writer, she's also a fabulous editor! How do I know this?  She edited my book, "Who Stole My Spandex?" Please welcome Sarah del Rio of est.1975 ! What I love about Sarah's blog is her honesty ----no subject is too squeamish---and her fresh perspective on modern-day parenting. The stories she shares on her site are HILARIOUS….ear wigs, poop jars and scrambled porn….what's not to love?

     After I hired Sarah to edit my book, we spent hours chatting on the phone, texting and IMing one another. Sure, we accomplished plenty of work together, but we also spent plenty of time laughing about our shared experiences in parenting. I felt a connection to her right away because we both have the same quirky humor. I loved having her on board with my book and even better---made an awesome blogger friend at the same time.

     The story that Sarah is sharing today is a good example of why morning sickness and fried fish do NOT mix during pregnancy. This one had my laughing out loud, folks. Please welcome this super funny lady to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!

• The time my husband pan-fried some pepperoni and I barfed;
• The time my husband brought home Chipotle and I barfed;
• The time my husband made scrambled eggs with cheese and I barfed; and
• The time I ate McDonald's breakfast and I barfed (in a dumpster).  http://www.bluntmoms.com/mcdonalds-humongous-army-green-dumpster/ 

If you've been reading my blog for any length of time, you know how much I like to highlight the absent-minded situations that my husband gets into. His intentions are good, but somehow his plans always go awry. Case in point: One afternoon when we were hosting a backyard barbecue, my husband offered to do all the cooking. He'd forgotten to replace the old gas line to the grill, and was happily flipping burgers when he noticed a small spark by the gas tank. Grease from the meat was splattering everywhere and hitting the leaks in the gas line.

We narrowly missed a gas explosion that day when the grill burst into flames. The black plumes of smoke sent the partygoers scrambling out into the street. Fortunately, most of our friends discovered a sudden fondness for Cajun-style burgers.

Another example of good intentions gone wrong occurred years ago when a hurricane approached our coastline. My husband thought it would be "fun" to pack our family of six into the minivan for a quick trip to the nearby beach to watch the storm whipping up the waves. Little did he know that the hurricane was a fast moving storm, and that it was closer to our area than he suspected. When the wind began rocking the sides of the van, he broke the land speed record to get us home before the hurricane hit.

Rather than leave the minivan in the driveway, my husband decided to park it on the side of the house for better protection from the oncoming storm. It was a new vehicle, and he was determined to keep it from being crushed by a fallen tree. In his rush to maneuver the car to safety, he put it in reverse and backed into the tight space of our side yard. His foot slipped  off the brake onto the accelerator and the van lunged backwards, slamming into a tree. The glass in the rear window shattered into a million shards just as the rain started lashing the streets. The kids had a hard time containing their giggles while they watched their wind-blown father struggle with a roll of duct tape and a plastic tarp in the middle of a hurricane.

My husband easily falls into these situations because he is a kind man who is always happy to help others. He'll carry heavy bags out to the car for elderly shoppers at the grocery store, assist a stranger changing a tire on a busy highway, or rescue a stranded friend in the middle of the night.  But sometimes these little acts of kindness backfire.

One morning he was in a crowded elevator on his way up to a job interview when the woman next to him spilled a stack of business cards onto the floor. Being the chivalrous man that he is, he bent down to retrieve the cards for her when he heard something rip. Everyone in the elevator stood silent, and at that moment, my husband realized his brand new slacks had split wide open from stem to stern.

Needless to say, he spent the entire interview with his backside to the wall.

It was the most recent incident, however, that will go down in history as the EPIC PHONE FAIL.

Last week when my "Spandex" book was published, my excited husband sent out a large group text on his cell phone to share the good news with everyone on his contact list. A few days later, one of his buddies responded to the text and asked what he could do to help out. My husband JOKINGLY texted back, "Buy the book, F@#*ER!"

After he hit "send" on his cell, it dawned on him that he'd accidentally sent the message to EVERYONE on his contact list. This included not just our close friends, but the plumber, the minister, our vet, the jeweler, the dentist, all of our doctors, the electrician, the A/C guy, our contractor, my mother, the friggin' MAYOR, our hairdresser, and all of our neighbors. It even went to the physician who performed our colonoscopies.

Now I'm worried that the next time I'm due for a colonoscopy, the doctor might "conveniently" forget to give me anesthesia.

I think it's time for my husband to go back to using a rotary phone.





If you love my blog, you'll love my book, WHO STOLE MY SPANDEX? MIDLIFE MUSINGS FROM A MIDDLE-AGED MILF on sale now in paperback and Kindle at Amazon.com http://amzn.to/11uY6fD or on Nook at Barnes and Noble!


 

     As you know, every Wednesday I like to feature a new writer on my blog site as part of my Wacky Wednesday Writer series. I absolutely adore today's guest blogger.  Please welcome the hilariously funny Diane Tolley of On The Border! I discovered Diane's blog about a year ago and grinned ear to ear as I read the recollections from her childhood on a ranch. I didn't grow up on a ranch, but Diane and I are close in age, so a lot of her memories are similar to my own. She is a master storyteller and saves the greatest punch lines for the end of each post. Her blog always leaves me smiling and adds a nice lift to my day.

     The other thing I love about Diane is that she is BIG on sharing. She goes above and beyond to support her fellow bloggers, and I am very grateful for the countless shout-outs this sweet woman has given me. Please welcome this awesome, funny lady to Meno Mama's site today with lots of love!



DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE. OF MITTENS