Not only is my special WWW guest a talented comedy writer, she's also a fabulous editor! How do I know this? She edited my book, "Who Stole My Spandex?" Please welcome Sarah del Rio of est.1975 ! What I love about Sarah's blog is her honesty ----no subject is too squeamish---and her fresh perspective on modern-day parenting. The stories she shares on her site are HILARIOUS….ear wigs, poop jars and scrambled porn….what's not to love?After I hired Sarah to edit my book, we spent hours chatting on the phone, texting and IMing one another. Sure, we accomplished plenty of work together, but we also spent plenty of time laughing about our shared experiences in parenting. I felt a connection to her right away because we both have the same quirky humor. I loved having her on board with my book and even better---made an awesome blogger friend at the same time.
The story that Sarah is sharing today is a good example of why morning sickness and fried fish do NOT mix during pregnancy. This one had my laughing out loud, folks. Please welcome this super funny lady to Meno Mama's site today with lots of comment love!
A FINE KETTLE OF FISH
Not long after
I became pregnant with my only son, I began to suffer from
an obscure medical condition called "morning
sickness."
If you're like
most people, you've probably never heard of this highly unusual
complication of pregnancy. But guess what? You're in luck. As someone
who has personally experienced the rare phenomenon of "morning
sickness," I am more than qualified to explain it to you.
For those of you
not in the know, "morning sickness" happens like this:
1. You get
knocked up.
2. You barf forever.
I should also
mention that in some cases of "morning sickness," the
symptoms can last well beyond a few uncomfortable weeks and into
the ENTIRE NINE MONTHS OF YOUR PREGNANCY. I'm sure it won't
surprise you to know that I was one of those cases. The
only real bright side was that I walked away with a bunch
of awesome stories to tell. Stories like:
- The time my husband pan-fried some pepperoni and I barfed;
- The time my husband brought home Chipotle and I barfed;
- The time my husband made scrambled eggs with cheese and I barfed; and
- The time I ate McDonald's breakfast and I barfed (in a dumpster). http://www.bluntmoms.com/mcdonalds-humongous-army-green-dumpster/
Yet, one story in
particular will always stand out as the pinnacle of my "morning
sickness" experience, and I hope you will find it as disgusting
delightful as I do. Enjoy.
************
It was six weeks
before my son was due to arrive, and three weeks before he actually
did arrive. By this time I had my morning sickness mostly under
control with a life-saving cocktail of Zofran and Unisom --
though when I say "mostly under control" I mean I was
only barfing several times a week as
opposed to several times a day.
For some reason
my husband had suggested fish and chips for dinner and for some
reason I had agreed. But almost immediately after we'd finished
eating, my stomach started to grumble and bitch, and I knew
without a shadow of a doubt that my fish and chips dinner was not
going to *stay* dinner. And I also knew that when it came up, it was
going to be BAD.
You know how you
can just tell? I could just tell.
And I was right.
It was BAD.
First I got the
sweats. Then I became nauseous. At first I tried doing "morning
sickness mitigation tricks" like laying on my left side and
taking deep breaths. Those didn't work, so I had my
husband bring me the trusty Big Blue Bowl, a large mixing
bowl from Williams-Sonoma that I took almost everywhere. You
know -- just
in case. Sometimes
it helped just having it around, even if I didn't end up
actually using it.
Sadly, the
comforting properties of the Big Blue Bowl did not alleviate my
nausea this time around, and soon I was lunging towards the
bathroom, just barely making it to the sink in time to evacuate all
of my fish and chips into its porcelain embrace. But when I
turned on the faucet to try and rinse everything down the drain, the
sink informed me in no uncertain terms that IT WAS NOT GOING
TO COOPERATE. It was completely clogged with partially
digested fish chunks and was bound and determined to stay that way.
So I spent the
next ten minutes bailing out the sink with the trusty Big Blue
Bowl (a call-to-arms not exactly in its job description) and
relocating all of the nasty chunky grossness into the toilet, where
it could be flushed away with ease. The sink's
drain remained clogged, but at least there was no longer
any standing fish puke water in the basin.
It was at this
point that I realized I was once again starting to
sweat. And within moments it became crystal clear that something
unpleasant was about to start happening in the *other*
direction, and it was about to start happening in very short order.
And sure enough,
it did.
For the first
time since I'd been in the family way, I became struck with raging
diarrhea.
In all honesty?
After months and months of pregnancy constipation, I thought I might
actually enjoy a little bit of diarrhea. BUT I WAS WRONG.
This was no "cut it loose and heave a cleansing sigh of relief"
diarrhea. This was painful, cramping, "take all your clothes off
and hang onto the sides of the toilet seat for dear life while rivers
of sweat run down your back and into your ass cleavage"
diarrhea. And it was no bueno.
(A brief aside:
For those of you who are wondering whether this whole thing
might just have been food poisoning, I can assure you that
it most definitely wasn't. My husband ate some of my fish AND
some of my chips, and didn't get sick.)
Eventually
everything worked its way out, and when I was feeling able, I cleaned
up as much as I possibly could (the fish puke water, the
diarrhea residue, and did I mention I also pissed on the
floor while barfing? Because I did.) Unfortunately the sink
was still clogged, and needed to be dealt with. I tried to plunge it,
but that didn't work; then I tried Drano, with equally unfortunate
results. So despite my best efforts, my poor husband was finally
called in to disassemble the sink, which was now clogged with
regurgitated fish parts *and* puke *and* Drano.
Guys? I have the
best husband. Because even though he said he wasn't grossed out
by the fish barf, I know he kind of was. Wouldn't you be? I mean, *I*
was grossed out by it and it was *my* barf. BARF THAT SMELLED
LIKE YACKED-UP FISH. SMOTHERED IN DRANO.
And while
I'm bestowing glowing words upon my husband, I think I should also
mention that we didn't have any rubber gloves in the house at the
time. I'll let that sink for a moment.
*a moment*
Yeah. Exactly.
EWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwwww.
BIO:
Sarah
del Rio is a comedy writer whose award-winning humor blog est.
1975 brings snark, levity, and
perspective to the ladies of Generation X.
Despite
being a corporate refugee with absolutely no formal training in
English, journalism, or writing of any kind, Sarah somehow manages to
find work as a freelance writer and editor.
She
contributes regularly to blog site BLUNTMoms,
has made several appearances on the Huffington Post Best Parenting
Tweets of the Week List, and her blog est.
1975 won
Funniest Blog in The Indie Chicks 2014 Badass Blog Awards. She has
also been featured on blog sites Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, and
the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop.
You
can find Sarah’s blog at http://established1975.com.
You can also like her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/est1975blog,
and follow her on Twitter at www.twitter.com/est1975blog.
Social Media Handles:
Twitter: @est1975blog
Pinterest:
www.pinterest.com/est1975blog
Facebook:
www.facebook.com/est1975blog
Sarah, that's exactly how I remember pregnancy - lots of puke...and many more years to come...it is why I had myself spayed and only have ONE child...and awesome son!
ReplyDeleteI am also spayed after ONE SON! We are Internet sisters! :) Thanks for reading!
DeleteThanks for having me on your site, Marcia! It is such an honor!
ReplyDeleteoh my god Sarah, I barfed like a mo fo the whole time I was pregnant with both of my kids. Morning, noon, night, and in between. Constant vomit. I even barfed on my husband while they were pulling the baby out of me. No kidding.
ReplyDeleteLinda - I barfed twice on the delivery table myself! Did you have Zofran in your IV drip? I did!!
DeleteI still to this day can not eat raspberries without remembering puking them up with my daughter... NINE YEARS AGO.. talk about post tramautic stress from puking.
ReplyDeleteI had a friend who had the same experience with orange juice. Never drank it again.
DeleteVery funny, but I'm off fish and chips for a while.
ReplyDeleteYou're not the only one, brother!
DeleteNow I'm suddenly glad I never eat fish.
ReplyDeleteBut oh lordy do I know about the barfing thing. Only in my case it was after a night of heavy drinking. I didn't make it to our tiny bathroom in time to get it all into the toilet. It splattered all over the toilet, floor and even part of the bathtub. It didn't help that it was red wine I drank so it looked like a damn crime scene in my bathroom. I was going to clean it up but my husband, bless his heart, ended up doing it. Hmm. I think I may have to get a bit gross for once on my blog and write about this story in full.
Go for it!
DeleteI did!
DeleteWhat I remember most about my first pregnancy was the all day and all night sickness and silly me thought morning sickness happened first thing in the morning but still want and had two more daughters
ReplyDeleteEven though I gagged while reading your very descriptive story- I also laughed so hard I nearly pissed myself. This reminds me of so many stories of barfing and peeing on the floor in my family, and one very disgusting corn dog barf in the kitchen sink that had the same results - and that was from my youngest son!
ReplyDeleteI have to admit, I didn't have much nausea during pregnancy (I had the "walking through hip deep mud" exhaustion instead). Don't think I took that for granted. I paid homage and bespoke gratitude to the morning sickness gods at a shrine that consisted of a brand-new pristine garbage can. At least I thought about it.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! You had my empathy the whole way, lol!
Thank you so much for this. I'm sitting in a hotel room at 10:00 pm and practically peed in the bed I was laughing so hard. I learned that the myth about morning sickness vanishing at the of the first trimester was as much of a lie as eating saltines in bed before I got up the morning. All that one got me was cracker crumbs in my bed. Women, we are saints!
ReplyDelete