
I absolutely ADORE today's Wacky Wednesday Writers guest! Please say hello to the fabulous Mary Anne Tuggle Payne of
http://forever-51.com. Her blog posts usually have me howling with laughter, as do many of her Facebook statuses. I was so thrilled to find Mary Anne because we are both midlife bloggers, and everything she writes is so relatable to me. She is a gifted humorist and an inspiration! I'm very fortune to have her guesting today, because I suspect this talented lady will be a household name one day. Her recent post, "Y'all Laughin at Us? Bless Your Hearts,"went viral in 24 hours! How cool is that? Be sure to check out her awesome blog and give her a BIG welcome here today on Meno Mama's site!
Love Me, Love My Cheeseburger
I am really gonna do this. I am going
to order that mofo and feel damn good about it.
The anticipation is building. I’m not
feeling so bad about this choice as I’m in the line behind a new
Audi A7 with a nice looking gal behind the wheel with a great hairdo.
She’s smoking a cig–-even better….
We creep up the line until I pass her
on my way to the other order box and I wait my turn. I am feeling
pretty good about this decision. Especially since there is the gal in
the Audi and a gal in an Acura in front of me with no kids in their
cars. We are secret sisters in crime.
I’m at the speaker---and she asks:
“Welcome to Diet Hell, would you like the new double muffin top
burger with cheddar, oreos, fritos and chocolate?”
I say---”I WISH! No thank you, but I
will have a Number 2, LARGE, with a Diet Coke..”
She says, “First window please”…
I pull up and pass the Audi and the
Acura. Me and my Honda go to the window, pay cash and I come away
with a QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE MEAL--- and I am HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!! I eat that burger like I’ve just been kicked off the island after 3
weeks of Survivor. Down to the last fry.
Every morning, when I get up and turn
on my computer or phone and look at my email, the Body Police
on the internet have been pretty busy because I get---no lie---about 6-10
emails a DAY early in the am from all those places out there like
Weight Watchers, Prevention, Jenny Craig, Healthy Mom, NutriSystems,
Wheat Belly and more. How to this, how to that…. holy crap, I am so
confused. What a way to start your day.
At 53, and being a tad soft around the
middle, I am also prime for heart attack, diabetes, gout, knee
problems, thinning hair, incontinence and more fun body dysfunction
than you can imagine. I KNOW there is a troll out there that took
one look at a picture of me on FB and said–-OK, we got another
one---prime target–--send her the emails of death!!!!!!!!!!!!!
True to form, every time I say I’m
going to lose weight, BC (the husband) drops 5 pounds in one week
basically doing nothing but eating what I’m eating. I struggle to
lose 2. Obviously I do not have enough testosterone. I walk the dogs
every day and even they are looking thinner. In my thirties I dropped
baby weight like a rock. In my fifties, that baby weight is back and
it’s called having a teenager weight gain. Remember that new
baby worry---the worry that they aren’t going to roll over, or they'll fall
out of the crib, fall off of something, or eat something dangerous?
Well, now that baby is behind the wheel of a car.
I actually am looking forward to the
empty nest weight loss in a year or so.
I have found out the hard way that no
amount of money in your wallet will fix all that stuff like fatness
and unhealthiness, because it has to come from within.
That’s the only way.
I am tired of the guilt. I am tired of
feeling bad about eating even one French fry. I am tired of the
comments, the P90X guilt, the running guilt, the food guilt. Yep, I
run. I run to the bathroom.
Once the guilt and self-doubt is thrown
to the lions, I truly think that great things can happen. Even my
skinny girlfriends complain about their size. What has this come to,
except for a ton of women of all sizes and shapes unhappy with
themselves? Great.
So yes, I am going to try and improve
my health. And no, I am not going to feel guilty about that piece of
birthday cake I ate that’s in my office kitchen. Even though I
committed chip-a-side the other night at a super bowl party, I did
counter it with tons of raw vegetables and yogurt dill dip. It made
Monday a day to be close to a restroom…
If I go every day feeling guilty about
something I did or did not eat, I'll end up at a standstill and end up
doing nothing good for myself.
Unfortunately, body and beauty
perfection is the holy grail of women today. And what should be the
holy grail for women is to truly like ourselves.
Warts and all.
bio:
Mary Anne Payne has been a writer, in her own mind for years. A real estate blogger since 2002, she started, under the threat of death from her girlfriends, her blog Forever 51 in 2012. Since then her posts have been featured on BlogHer, Huffington Post, Better After 50, Generation Fabulous, Midlife Boulevard, in her local community, and in 'Laughing Out Loud' an ebook on Amazon. Mary Anne wants world peace, a cure for hot flashes, and a cheap boarding school for her teenager.